Club Fantasy

by Joan Elizabeth Lloyd

  Home. Manhattan was home, wasn’t it? But it felt so good to be here as well.

  The twins talked for hours. Jenna told Marcy about the milder parts of her sex life, describing clients as dates, not customers. Lying? Yes, but it was necessary. Marcy would never understand.

  Marcy shared tales of AAJ Technologies and the people with whom she worked. The contrasts between their lives hit Jenna very hard. How had it felt to be normal, without scenarios, without men using her body? Stop it, she told herself. It’s not like that at all. You really enjoy what you do. Yeah, she argued, but you shouldn’t.

  They had a familiar dinner at the local spaghetti joint and, as they sipped cups of cappuccino, Marcy was silent for several moments, then asked, “Did something happen to you last evening?”

  The image of Rock’s hand on her body flashed through her mind. Something had certainly happened. “What kind of something?” she asked, trying not to reveal anything.

  “This is going to sound really odd but I had one of those experiences that we used to have. That twin connection thing. I sensed something. Felt something. I can’t really explain it.”

  Explain it? Not a chance. Marcy was suddenly uncomfortable. How could she explain what had happened? Not to her sister, close though they were.

  In the past few months, Marcy been having sudden rushes of erotic images but the previous night had been the most vivid. Some nights she was awakened by the sensation of her breasts being fondled. She could feel it. On occasion, she’d even reached down to embrace the hands but nothing was there. But her nipples hardened as though ...

  The previous evening she’d changed into a cotton nightgown and climbed into bed about ten o’clock to read for a while. Too excited by Jenna’s impending visit to settle down, she got out of bed and went down to the kitchen to fuss over her special cranberry sauce for Thanksgiving dinner. I might as well do it tonight, she thought, then I can refrigerate it until I need it. She added sugar to the pot of water and berries and started to chop walnuts, when she was suddenly overwhelmed by a wave of erotic pleasure that forced her to drop into a kitchen chair.

  She had flashes, visions, snapshots. Dark hands on white skin. Bare breasts. Whose? A man’s face smiling in ecstasy above a smooth, muscular, hairless chest. A diamond stud in an ear. Piercing blue eyes. A fully erect penis and white hands on it. She had almost felt a large cock sliding into her. Almost.

  Marcy had had several boyfriends and one year-long serious relationship that had finally dissolved with both parties on relatively good terms. She wasn’t a virgin, but she’d never experienced anything like what she’d felt. Hesitantly, she reached down and cupped her bare breasts, touching her hardened nipples. She’d masturbated occasionally, but in the past touching herself always had made her feel incredibly guilty. Now the guilt was totally overshadowed by the need to relieve the waves of almost painful need. She let her head fall back and rubbed her breasts, waiting for the sensations to subside. They only got more powerful.

  Unable to stop herself, she pulled up her nightgown and touched her bare flesh. Soaking wet and quaking, she found her clit and rubbed gently, knowing in some basic way, just where to touch. She came quickly, trembling and totally mystified by the enormity of what had just happened. It had been so fast, so violent. It had been wonderful.

  Now she looked at her sister. How could she explain what she’d felt? “Never mind,” she said shaking her head. “It was nothing.”

  “Are you sure? You went a bit pale for a moment. Is everything okay?” Jenna’s face looked so concerned.

  “Everything’s fine.” She changed the subject.

  Thanksgiving dinner for just the two of them consisted of enough food to feed half the population of Seneca Falls. Groaning, the two women eventually stored the leftovers and made themselves comfortable in the living room. “Tell me about New York,” Marcy said.

  “You know about New York,” Jenna said, obviously puzzled. “You were there.”

  “Are you staying there permanently? I keep hoping you’ve made some kind of decision.”

  “I haven’t.”

  Until she had arrived at the Syracuse airport, Jenna had been sure she understood her life. Manhattan. Fast-paced, ever alive, busy Manhattan. Everything that Seneca Falls wasn’t, New York City was. It was where she belonged. Now, she wasn’t as sure. On the trip from the airport Marcy had driven through familiar streets. Past the elementary and high schools they had attended. Past the pizza parlor and the diner, the bowling alley and the multiplex. They’d made a stop at the mall for some candles for the holiday table and Jenna had watched ordinary people hurry by.

  It wasn’t New York City, but it felt good. It felt like home. Too. She was now totally confused. How could she describe it all to Marcy? “I thought I had decided to make New York my permanent home, but here, well, it feels comfortable. I love you and I love this house. As much as I might complain about ‘The Gateway to the Finger Lakes,’ I love Seneca Falls. I guess I need some more time.”

  “AAJ’s open tomorrow,” Marcy said. “Maybe you should see about lengthening your leave. Everyone complained when you left and I know they haven’t been able to replace you. They’ve hired two different people in the months since you left and each lasted about a week. Too high pressure, I guess. So, for the moment, they just farm most of the work out and they’ve stuck me with some of the simultaneous translations at meetings too. I’ve actually gotten pretty good at it, but I’m not you.”

  “Thanks for the vote of confidence. Maybe I’ll do that.”

  “What about Glen?”

  Yes, she thought, what about Glen? “He calls once a week or so and we talk like friends. I’m not sure that it’s a good idea to encourage him, but I like him and I let him know during each conversation that I’m not moving back here any time soon.”

  Marcy hesitated, then said softly, “He asked me to suggest that the two of you have dinner together Saturday night.”

  “He didn’t say anything about that when we talked last week.”

  “He was afraid to mention it so he’s using me as a go-between. He thought you’d say no.”

  “I don’t know, Marcy. He needs to cut the cord and move on.”

  “You don’t care for him any more?”

  “I don’t know what I feel. I never have. Part of me cares deeply for him and part of me needs something he can’t give me right now. I’m really torn but I can’t lead him on. It’s not fair to either of us.”

  “Why don’t you have dinner with him and see what happens?”

  “I’m terrified that the same thing will happen with him as happened with this town. I thought I understood that New York City was my future but when I felt the comfort here I got all confused again. I can’t push Glen away with one hand and pull him toward me with the other.”

  “You’re probably right. He’s really a great guy and I guess I hope we’ll all live happily ever after.”

  Hopeful, Jenna said, “You sound like you have feelings for him.” Getting Marcy and Glen together would solve so many problems. Or would it?

  Marcy shook her head. “It’s not like that, Jen. I love him like a brother. I want good things for all of us and I keep hoping that means you and Glen. You’ll move back, marry him, and we’ll all be together again. I miss you like crazy.”

  The two women clasped hands. “I miss you too, Sis. I wish I could live that happily-ever-after life you see, but things are much more mixed up inside of me than you can imagine.”

  “Is there someone else? One of those guys you’ve been dating?”

  “There are lots of guys but no one in particular.” Rock? No. He’s lust and heat and new pleasures, not a relationship.

  “Okay. Maybe you need to get Glen out of your system once and for all and you’re not going to do it from a distance.”

  “Why are you pushing, Marcy?”

  Marcy sat back on the sofa and popped a blueberry jelly bean into her mouth. “I love both you and Glen. I t
hink he’s a great guy who needs to see you to get past you. I think you need to see him too. Have a fight or kiss and make up or just agree to disagree, but make it clean. It’s too messy now.”

  “Messy. That’s a good way to put it, and I’m afraid you’re right. I need to piss or get off the pot and I don’t think I’ve done a very good job of either.”

  “Good. Now tell me more about your social life in the big city.”

  Jenna steeled herself to lie to her sister, and she hated it. But how could she tell Marcy about Club Fantasy? She’d become something totally unlike the person who’d left to go to New York. Was she ashamed of what she was? Was “she wouldn’t understand” just another way of saying that she’d be ashamed of what I’ve become? Through the rest of the day she didn’t mention the Club.

  AAJ, she discovered, was only too eager to extend her leave. Ms. Henshaw filled out some papers, and now she had another six months to spend in “the big city.” After her meeting with human resources, she had lunch with several of the women with whom she’d been friendly when she worked at AAJ, and they spent almost two hours laughing at stories of both New York City and Seneca Falls. One woman had a new baby and pictures were passed around the table. Looking at the infant Jenna became wistful, wondering whether she’d ever be snapping shots of her own child. She quickly brought herself back to the present.

  Melinda Franks, her best friend at AAJ, asked the question the others were too tactful to ask. “So when are you coming back?”

  Jenna was deliberately noncommittal. “I’m having a wonderful time in New York and I’m not sure what I’m going to do. I’ve gotten Henshaw to agree to extend my leave of absence for another six months, and then we’ll see.”

  There was a collective groan around the large table. “You know how much we miss you, Jenna,” one of the women said and Jenna found her eyes filling. It had been easy to leave the first time, but this departure seemed more painful. When she left the first time it was a lark. Now she realized that it might be permanent.

  When they eventually separated, the women kissed cheeks and Jenna vowed to stay in touch. They all suggested that she visit with them again during Christmas week, but Jenna told them she was probably staying in New York for the holidays. It was already looking like it was going to be a busy week at Club Fantasy.

  Jenna had called Glen on Thursday evening and they had made plans to have dinner Saturday at a steak place that had recently opened. He’d originally suggested that they meet at the same restaurant where he’d proposed, but they both quickly realized that was a bad idea.

  Wearing a pair of brown, wool slacks and an off-white, cable-knit sweater that she had left in her old room, Jenna arrived at the restaurant to find Glen waiting for her at the door. She hadn’t seen him in six months but she quickly realized that he hadn’t changed a bit. Like Seneca Falls, he was warm and comfortable and—home. He hugged her and placed a quick kiss on her cheek. “I’m so glad to see you,” he said. “You look fabulous.”

  “You’ve seen me in this outfit before.”

  “I don’t mean the outfit. You’re glowing and you look happy.” He hung his head with a rueful grin. “I had hoped you’d look a bit thinner and maybe have circles under your eyes but New York City seems to agree with you.”

  “Thanks. It does.”

  Glen gave his name to the jeans-clad hostess who led them to a table off to one side.

  “Wine?” Glen asked.

  “I’d love some.” As he signaled the waiter, Jenna gazed at him. He was so familiar, comfortable, and she loved him in her own way, whatever that meant. She knew his feelings so well. They were written all over his face, yet he was being a complete gentleman and had been nothing but casual in the months they’d been talking on the phone. Could they be friends? She knew that friendship wasn’t all that Glen wanted, but that was what she wanted. Wasn’t it?

  She’d thought a lot about him in the months they’d been apart. There’d be something tiny, a moment when something happened that she’d love to share with him. He’d called her once despite a terrible head cold and she’d felt badly for him, suggesting remedies. She’d been feeling down one evening and he’d seemed to sense it when he called. He’d told her a joke he’d heard at work and it had made her laugh and eased the worst of her momentary depression.

  Together after all the months apart, they spent a delightful dinner discussing everything and nothing. Finally, Glen leaned across the table, took her hands and said, “Jenna, what are your plans now? How long are staying in New York? Forever?”

  Shit. Now’s the time to say, Yes, forever. I’m not coming back so find someone else. But she couldn’t. “I know that it’s not fair of me to say that I don’t know but I don’t. AAJ has given me another six months. I don’t know whether I’ll use it all or come back or just quit one day.”

  She pulled her hands away and Glen didn’t make any effort to stop her. “I thought this would be easy. I thought I’d just come back here and realize that my life was now in Manhattan. I’d pack a few more things, sell my car and decamp. Totally and without reservation. It didn’t happen that way.”

  Glen sat patiently until Jenna continued. “I like it here too. My life in New York City is exciting, more exciting than you can imagine. I’m happy there.”

  “And ...” Glen said, when she didn’t immediately continue.

  “But beside Chloe I have no friends there, no feeling of belonging. Sure, I know lots of people and I talk to lots of people every day but it’s not ...”

  “Intimate?”

  Jenna chuckled inwardly. In a way, though, he was right. She had clients and had lots of forms of intimacy, but it wasn’t closeness, at least not the way it had been here in Seneca Falls. “That’s as good a word as any.”

  “Marcy has told me that you have lots of boyfriends.”

  “She told you that?”

  “I think she’s been trying to be kind, to dissuade me from clinging to what we had.”

  Marcy was a wise woman. What better way to convince Glen to move on. “I’ve had dates. Lots of them.”

  “I’ve had a few too,” Glen said.

  Jenna felt an unreasonable stab of jealousy. It’s unworthy of you, Jenna, she yelled at herself. You want him to move on, make a life.

  Glen continued, “I realized about a month ago that I was obsessing about you. Marcy was right. I was clinging to some vain hope that you really did love me and it would just take a few months of sowing your oats in Manhattan for you to realize it and come back. To me.” He huffed out a breath. “I fantasized the whole scene. Us in the same restaurant, you telling me how you’d made a mistake, me slipping the ring on your finger. I finally told myself to get over it and I made every effort. I think I’m succeeding. I’ve had a few dates and met a few very nice women.”

  Jenna swallowed hard. Why did she feel hurt? Isn’t this what she wanted? “I’m happy for you, Glen.” She forced the corners of her mouth upward in what she hoped would be the semblance of a smile. “I really am.”

  “I know you are,” he said. “You’re a wonderful, generous person and I’m happy to have you as a friend.”

  Glen straightened his spine and tried to make what he was saying sound genuine. True, he had had dates with a few women and each time he’d compared them to Jenna. Not as good a sense of humor, not as knowledgeable about politics, not as well read. But he was going to have to move on. Jenna was making her position clear. Although she seemed truly confused, there was little or no chance that he would be part of her long-term future. So be it. Maybe he could keep her as a friend, although keeping a friendly relationship with an ex-lover was against all the odds.

  Ex-lover. God, he still wanted her. She was still the sexiest woman he’d ever been with. He’d gone to bed with one of the women he’d dated only a few weeks ago. It had been good for her; he’d seen to that. He’d climaxed as well but it hadn’t been wonderful, and he hadn’t called the woman again.

  They finishe
d dinner with no more personal revelations. Finally, he paid the check, over Jenna’s objections, and they walked outside to her car. “I care about you, Jen,” he said as he opened the driver’s-side door. “I care very much. May I kiss you good-bye?”

  Jenna slipped her arms around his waist and kissed him lightly on the mouth. Without warning, all the old feelings resurfaced and her arms twined around his neck as his drew her closer. Passion raged inside him, a quick, consuming hunger for her. No! This wasn’t supposed to happen. They were friends. Then her mouth was on his, hard, hot, filled with desire.

  He pulled back so there was some space between them and looked into her eyes, now glazed with desire. “What’s happening here?” he asked.

  “I don’t know,” Jenna said, her voice breathy and hoarse. “I don’t know.” She kissed him again.

  “Jenna, don’t tempt me. I still want you, that should be obvious. Let’s not confuse everything.”

  “I don’t mean to confuse things, Glen. Really I don’t.”

  He stood for a long moment, trying to regain his equilibrium. “I know you don’t. Let’s say good night.”

  “You’re right,” she said. “This is just messing with things we thought we’d settled. But I have to say it. I don’t want to go home yet.”

  “I don’t want you to, either.”

  Jenna couldn’t believe the words that were coming out of her mouth. One week ago she had understood her life and where Glen fit into it, or didn’t. Now, she was feeling nostalgic about Seneca Falls and the friends she’d left behind. She was wondering whether going back to Manhattan was what she really wanted to do. How can I feel so right in New York, she wondered, and so right here as well? She chalked it up to having a seriously split personality.

  Glen. She couldn’t, in good conscience, lead him on, go to bed with him when she wasn’t sure where her head would be next week, or even tomorrow. God, I’m making this decision over and over. She heard Chloe’s voice. Make the decision, then stop thinking about it. She squared her shoulders. “Glen, you’re right. This is a bad idea,” she said, but found herself locking her car door and starting to walk toward his. “I can’t make any promises. There’s so much about my life in New York that you don’t know.”