Something Beautiful

by Jenna Jones

  "If he shows up today, I'll be ever so nice. I'll feed him cupcakes from my own hands and paint his toenails." Ben cleared his throat, and Jamie smiled at him and snuggled into his side, arms around his chest. "But I won't suck them. That's only for you, baby."

  "Damn straight," Ben said, and kissed him.

  Dune made a face at them and went to get a cupcake. Tristan was peeling the paper off one -- vanilla, with chocolate frosting and sprinkles -- and handed it to him with a grin. "Having fun?"

  "Yes, thank you, dear." He took a bite and licked frosting off his hand. The frosting was melting a little from being out in the sun. "Very yummy. Did you make it yourself?"

  "I had help from my sisters. It was a very girly day yesterday. Laird said if he came home to find us all in our underwear, braiding each other's hair, he wouldn't be surprised at all."

  "I remember it differently," Laird remarked, coming up behind her and placing his hands on her shoulders. Tristan turned back her head to give him a quick kiss.

  "I didn't want to shock Dune with your depravity."

  "Oh, shock me," Dune said, grinning. Laird was the least depraved person Dune knew.

  "There was so much chocolate here," Laird said. "So much chocolate, all over the kitchen. I thought I'd come home to a letter to Penthouse Forum, to be honest. Dune, I have a particular surprise for you today."

  "Oh? And what would that be?" Dune ate his cupcake.

  Laird beamed at him. "My brother's here. He's excited to see you again."

  Dune swallowed the cupcake through a dry mouth and said, "Oh. That's -- that's great."

  "I thought you'd say so!" He kissed the top of Tristan's head and she smiled at him, but her eyes were on Dune's face. "He's left Chicago and has moved back to the city. He's got a job at the Chronicle -- I'm sure you'll run into him, in fact."

  "I don't get into the office much," Dune said.

  "I'll go get him in a second. And you'll see him around more, I'm sure, with this social whirlwind Tristan has us on."

  She poked Laird with her elbow. "A holiday barbeque is not a social whirlwind. I just felt the need to prove I'm still married to my friends. They're starting to doubt your existence, you know." She said in a more serious tone, "You're going to be okay with him here, aren't you, Dune?"

  "Of course I am. Your burger's on fire," he added, and when Laird ran to save their dinner he went back to join Jamie and Ben. Leo and Adam were there as well: Adam stretched out on the grass with his hat over his face, Leo perched on the stone bench beside Jamie, who was telling some complicated story that seemed to involve ferrets. Dune sat down at Leo's feet and leaned his head against Leo's knee, and Leo reached down to absently stroke his hair.

  Dune closed his eyes. Normally he tried not to think about Gavin -- there was no point in regrets -- but he'd have to deal with it now, wouldn't he? They'd met when Dune was a freshman in college and Gavin a junior. The attraction had been instant: Gavin was beautiful in a way Dune had never really seen before -- not so much bone structure and skin clarity, just his pride, his confidence, his assurance that he was desirable.

  Dune had fallen. Fallen hard. And sometimes he felt he was still getting back on his feet.

  There was only one thing to do, wasn't there? Leave the party and avoid the Chronicle offices, of course.

  He smiled at himself. No, he'd have to be an adult for real, not a bitter ex-boyfriend who had been hurt so badly he'd never fallen in love again.

  No, really.

  "...and then I found a dollar," Jamie finished up, and the other listeners laughed. Dune opened his eyes long enough to wonder what the story had actually been about.

  "Come eat!" Laird called, and they all got up to gather their food. They piled plates with burgers and chips and roasted corn on the cob, and Dune was starting to think Micah hadn't been able to leave whatever his family had planned for the day when Tristan said, "Micah!" and hugged the boy as he stood uncertainly inside the back gate.

  "I wasn't sure I'd be able to come," he said, and his face lit up when he saw Dune.

  "Welcome back, world traveler!" Jamie said, and thumped his back a few times. "How does it feel, being back on your native soil?"

  "Um, soily," Micah said, expression bashful, and picked up a plate. "Feels just like normal. You know."

  "It's good to have you back," Leo said, and gave him a gentle hug. "You'll have to tell us all about it."

  "I wrote about it in my blog," Micah said, and now he was blushing. "I posted pictures there, too."

  "You left a lot out of your blog, I think," said Leo. "Like what happened with your boyfriend, for example."

  Micah gave Dune a pleading look, and Dune said, "Dad, let him get some food before you grill him about his trip. Come on, Micah, have some corn. It's really good." He picked up an ear by the stick it had been roasted on, and Micah took it gratefully.

  "Thanks," he whispered. "If I don't want to talk about it --"

  "You won't have to," Dune said gently, and kissed his forehead.

  "Thanks, Dunie," Micah said again, and squeezed his hand.

  A cell phone chirped and four different people checked to see if it was theirs. "It's me," Adam said and put down his plate. He walked into the house before he answered the phone, and everyone could hear him say, "Hi, you," in a pleased voice before he shut the door behind him.

  Weird, thought Dune, and looked at Leo, whose face had gone completely blank. "Dad?"

  "His editor," Leo said after a moment and smiled at him reassuringly. "I'm sure it is." He picked up a beer can and popped it open.

  Dune thought, It's not an editor and you know who it is. He frowned and felt Micah's hand in his again. He squeezed it, grateful.

  The back door opened and Dune looked over, expecting Adam; but while the face was familiar it was not his red-haired other father. It was Gavin, looking as confident and self-possessed as ever. His eyes scanned the party guests and then met Dune's, and Gavin almost smiled. He worked his way through the other people to where Dune was standing with Micah and stopped in front of them.

  "Dune," he said simply.

  "Gavin," Dune said, and was even more grateful for Micah's hand than before. Micah's fingers squeezed his again.

  "You must be a friend of Dune's," Micah said cheerfully, holding out his other hand. "I'm Micah."

  Gavin barely spared him a glance. "Hi. Dune, my God, it's so good to see you."

  "It's been a long time," Dune said. "I heard you were moving back to the city."

  Gavin laughed. "You've got to love how San Franciscans say that, as if no other city in the world exists."

  "No other city does exist," Micah said, leaning his head against Dune's shoulder. He slipped his arm around Dune's waist and Gavin frowned. "San Francisco is the center of the universe, just like Jerusalem for Middle Ages people."

  "Interesting allusion," Gavin said. "You must be Dune's new plaything."

  "No," Micah said, sounding bright and casual. "I'm just Micah."

  "I see. I'd better get some food or Laird will get insulted. Good to -- look at you, Dune. Nice to meet you, Micah." He ambled away, reminding Dune of a leopard on the Serengeti, made up of stealth and deceptively loose muscles.

  Dune unwound himself from Micah and said, "I have to go," as he started for the garden gate.

  "Dune," Micah said, and Leo called, "Dune!" to him, but he didn't turn around and didn't stop until he was out on the street. He thrust his hands into his hair and bent over, breathing deeply to keep himself from breathing too fast.

  He felt hands on his shoulders and a cheek pressing against his back, and glanced behind him to see Micah. "Leave me alone, please."

  "No. Not gonna. Who was he?"

  "Nobody who matters."

  "You wouldn't be upset if he was nobody."

  Dune moved out from under his hands and sat down on the curb, his feet were sticking out into the street. Micah bumped down beside him and looked at him, patient.

  "He's Ga
vin Marcus," Dune said. "Laird's brother. My first serious boyfriend."

  "Oh." Micah reached over to take his hand. Dune looked away, but didn't resist.

  "We dated in college, for three years. I met him when I was freshman, and -- damn, Micah, you should have seen him when he was nineteen. You think he's good-looking now -- when he was nineteen he was just beautiful. And at first it was amazing, being with him. At first I thought I'd found the love of my life. I thought we'd be together forever, like Adam with Leo."

  "So what happened?"

  Dune inhaled slowly. "And then it wasn't so good. It got pretty bad, in fact. So when he left for grad school, I didn't go with him."

  "Oh, Dunie." Micah put an arm around him and pulled him close, and Dune rested his head on Micah's shoulder a moment.

  "I'm fine," he said, straightening up again. "I'm just fine. I'm over it. I just didn't expect to see him today and it threw me."

  Micah removed his arm from Dune's shoulders. He pulled up one knee and rested his chin on it. "I get it, though. I mean, every time I look at Jamie I think, that's somebody I used to love, and it's not always easy. And we weren't even together that long."

  "I'm fine, Micah."

  "You don't have to be strong for me, you know," Micah said. "It's okay if you want to freak out a little."

  "I don't want to freak out. I don't need to freak out."

  "Okay." He got to his feet. "I'm going to go back to the party, then. I mean, if you need me to stay I'll stay, but if you don't --"

  "I'm fine," Dune said with a sigh, and rubbed his forehead with his palm. "Go back to the party. Everybody wants to hear about Europe. Go on. I'm fine."

  Micah touched his shoulder and went back through the garden gate. Dune stared at the houses on the other side of the street until he felt he could breathe again and then followed him.

  "There you are!" Tristan said when she saw him. "Okay, now that we're all here, I have an announcement to make. Everybody," she said and got up onto one of the picnic table benches to get everyone's attention. Laird, standing on the ground behind her, put a hand on her back to steady her. "There are a few reasons we asked you all here today. First of all, of course, to celebrate the holiday with people we love and adore." She laughed and Laird got up on the bench behind her to embrace her from behind and kiss her cheek. "And the second thing is --" She smiled back at Laird and he squeezed her. "Our families know this already. You guys are next. Laird and I are going to be parents in March."

  There were squeals from Tristan's friends and Jamie cheered, clapping his hands over his head, and Dune couldn't help but notice the pleased, resigned look on Ben's face. It can't be easy, he thought, to see the life you could have had lived by someone else. "Did you know?" he asked Ben quietly.

  Ben nodded. "Yeah. She called me a couple days ago. I fall somewhere between family and friends."

  Jamie put an arm around Ben's neck and kissed him, and they were quiet a moment, foreheads leaning together. Dune sipped his Coke and looked away from them, picking Gavin out from the crowd. Gavin was smiling and had an arm around Laird's shoulders, but his gaze was wandering around the party as if he was bored. His gaze landed on Dune, and his smile grew genuine if no wider.

  Dune looked away, feeling like a coward.

  What a weird week this has been, he thought, and felt Micah's foot slowly rubbing against his own. That helped.

  ***

  Dune's arm was slung over Micah's shoulders as they walked down the block from the Marcuses' house to their cars. "You feeling okay, Dune?" Micah said, hand on Dune's chest. He hated it when Dune got that faraway look on his face.

  "I feel fine, honey. Just fine. I just want to cuddle you."

  "Aw, Dunie." Micah hugged Dune closer, bit his lip and took a deep breath. "You don't have to see Gavin if you don't want to."

  Dune pulled back to give him an odd look. "Why do you think I'm thinking about Gavin?"

  "Aren't you? I would be, in your shoes."

  Dune sighed. "Okay. You've caught me. I'm thinking about him -- trying to figure out what I should do. Part of me wants to prove how well I'm doing without him. Part of me remembers what it was like when it was good."

  "Oh," Micah said.

  "You think I shouldn't go back to him."

  "I think," Micah said slowly, "that you know what's best for you."

  Dune rolled his eyes and rocked his head in frustration, then kissed Micah's cheek and hugged his friend. "I don't know what's best for me in this case."

  Micah blinked a few times. "That's a first. I don't think I've ever heard you say you don't know something."

  "Remember this occasion and mark it well. The man who broke my heart is back."

  "If he broke your heart," Micah slipped both arms around Dune's waist and hugged him back, "then you should stay far, far away -- and when you do see him, show off how wonderful your life has been without him. Make him green with envy and regret every moment he's spent away from you."

  "That's your advice, is it?"

  "Yes." He nodded firmly. "That's what I think you should do. I've learned all kinds of things since you first met me, you know. I'm not the naive kid I used to be."

  "That's true," Dune said softly. "You're all grown up now. All done with school, a new job, an apartment to find..."

  "Unless you meant it about me moving in with you."

  "I mean it, if you still want to," Dune said. "What do your parents think about it?"

  "I haven't exactly brought it up yet. They haven't said anything about me moving out. I think with Shiloh moving back on campus they find the house too lonely."

  "Maybe you ought to stay with them for a few more months."

  "I'd rather be with you," Micah said and swallowed hard. "If I'm with you I can be myself. You know?"

  "I do. But if your parents need you --"

  "They don't need me," Micah said with a scowl. "They just want to know where I am and what I'm doing. That's why I left out so much on the blog -- I knew they'd be reading it. My real journal is a lot more detailed."

  "With sexier pictures?" Dune asked and chuckled.

  "There are some pretty fucking sexy pictures," said Micah with dignity. "I took some great ones of Stuart."

  Dune blinked. "What? You took -- what?"

  "I took some pictures of him. Um. Without clothes. You know, artistic."

  "Wow," Dune said. "I don't know what I find more unbelievable -- that you did that or that he let you."

  "I just asked," Micah mumbled. "He's gorgeous, Dunie." He squeezed his arm around Dune's waist. "But not as gorgeous as you. I could take pictures of you, too. With or without clothes."

  "I'll pass for now, but thank you." He patted Micah's hair. "Think it over, about whether you want to move in with me or stay in Walnut Creek a while longer. No need to rush."

  "Okay," Micah said, and then kissed Dune lightly. "But I think I'll stay wanting to live with you. I like being with you. I told you -- you're my laughing place."

  Dune smiled. "I know, honey. And I'll be around to be your laughing place for a while longer." He sighed. "It's getting late. You probably ought to head home."

  Micah nodded and then kissed Dune again. "I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"

  "Okay."

  "I love you, Dunie."

  Dune smiled again, much less wearily this time. "I love you, too."

  "Good night," Micah said, and got into his car.

  The drive home was uneventful -- most of the traffic was headed the other way -- and the house lights were still on when Micah pulled up. He sighed: another evening of explaining where he'd been and who he'd been with, even though he'd told them before he left. It was so irritating, to be grilled constantly about his whereabouts and his friends. He wondered sometimes if his parents ever listened to anything he said, or if they kept asking in the hopes to catch him in a lie.

  Well, he didn't lie. Much. They probably thought he was still a virgin, since he'd never had a girlfriend, and he carefully
edited various facts about his friends so they wouldn't ask too many questions -- but beyond that, he was honest. He still went to church, he didn't drink much, didn't smoke, didn't do drugs. He just had sex with men. That wasn't so bad, was it? On the scale of things?

  But it was getting uncomfortable, the way his father ranted on about the homosexual agenda in his sermons, the way his parents' friends would say "compassion" and "tolerance" as if they were disgusting traits. Micah wondered sometimes what they would say, all those people who thought he was such a sweet, good boy, if they knew he liked to suck cock.