Feel Good 101_The Outsiders' Guide to a Happier Life

by Emma Blackery

  Great! You’re back! Sorry you had to find out the gross stuff. You know during that . . . act of creation, you were one of billions that could’ve turned into a baby, right? Each one of those billions of candidates would have turned out differently to you, and had you not won, you wouldn’t have been created again somewhere down the line. Each and every single combination of sperm and egg would have resulted in somebody different (mention identical twins and I’ll reach through the book and kick you) and the winner just so happened to be you. Congratulations! I’ve never been a fast runner, but at least at one moment in time, I was considered the best swimmer out of billions.

  So you were a few-billion-to-one-chance-of-happening baby. That’s already an awe-inspiring thing to imagine – but your parents were a few-billion-to-one-chance-of-happening babies, too. And so were their parents . . . and their parents . . . now, I’m not a mathematician, but imagine multiplying those probabilities throughout your ancestry. How are you here?! Again, you may put this down to fate, luck, coincidence or design – but none of those possibilities take away the fact that you being here as you are is mind-blowing. Not only do we have the multiplied odds to take into account over thousands of years, but let’s look closer at your conception – not to be graphic (I’m sorry for this image), but what if your parents had decided not to try for you on that certain night? Or at that certain hour? At that certain second?! Would you still have won? Think about all the factors throughout the day of your conception that must have affected their decision to try for you. Think about all the factors that made it possible for your parents to meet, as far back as you can imagine, back to your great-great-great-great-great-great-grandparents. Every single conversation, every tiny little action, every single thought – the butterfly effect means that you were conceived not only by two people, but also by billions of events by millions of people over the course of thousands of years.

  If you ever wonder whether life is worth fighting for, through all the pain and anguish – it took an awful lot of work to get you here. My great-great-great-great-grandfather didn’t work to charm the pants off my great-great-great-great-grandmother for me to sit here and mope around. I’m sure if they’d lived long enough to understand the concept of memes, though, they’d be happy with my choice to sit around and watch them on a YouTube playlist until 2 a.m. instead of writing this book.

  The Deadly Comparison

  Comparing myself to others is something I have struggled with from the second I learned how to put two things side by side. Sadly, weighing up your own stats against someone else’s – especially when you think highly of that person – can be lethal to your self-esteem. This goes for comparing looks, talent, wealth, material goods, relationship statuses and even emotional wellbeing. Comparison can very easily lead to a sense of jealousy, and becoming jealous or envious of a friend’s accomplishments and lifestyle can destroy even the strongest of friendships – ultimately, nothing good comes from looking at someone else and saying, ‘Why do they have that? Why don’t I have that?’

  Let me say something here: someone else’s success does not correspond with your own. Becoming obsessed with being the best, smartest, richest or even most attractive person you know will make you lose sight of how good, smart, fortunate and attractive you already are. It actually wasn’t until recently that I heard a great phrase from my friend Lily: ‘Comparison is the thief of joy.’ Apparently it was Teddy Roosevelt who said that first, but I prefer to hold my friends in high enough regard that I convince myself they’re just really profound. The saying is so, so true – as soon as you start comparing your own success and achievements to the success and achievements of somebody else, you are already lessening your own accomplishments and sense of pride, replacing them with bitterness and envy.

  I’ll use a personal example: Sure, one of my music videos that I worked really hard on reached over half a million views on YouTube, and that’s incredible – but one of my friend’s music videos got five MILLION in a shorter amount of time! Very quickly, without you even realising it, your brain will start to jump to other thoughts, such as, Her music isn’t even that good. Mine is better. Why did she get so many views, and I so few? Immediately, you’re pitting yourself against another person when you absolutely do not need to. It’s even worse when the person you’re juxtaposing with yourself is a friend. Whether you notice it immediately or not, you will begin to harbour a sense of resentment towards that person for daring to have/earn what you strive for. There are only a few things in life where competition means exclusivity – such as eating breakfast cereal. You only choose one cereal to eat, and don’t go back to eat a bowl of a different type. Things such as songs, videos on YouTube and school grades are not limited edition. People won’t just listen to one song, and then think, Well, I’ve filled my quota for the day! Nor will teachers think, Well, I would give her an A, but I just gave out my one A grade for the day. Someone else’s success doesn’t denote your failure.

  Speaking of success – what is success to you? Is it fame? Is it money? Is it a statistic? Your own level of success should always and only be measured by your sense of happiness in how you’re living your life. You do not have to be rich to be happy, nor do you have to have accolades, or be the head of a big organisation – you just have to make things that you’re proud of, try your hardest to do the things you love, and spend time with the people you care about. Also – wanna hear a secret? We all compare ourselves to others, whether we like it or not, and others compare themselves to you all the time. Whether they’re letting on or not, someone is fixated on something about you that they deem to be perfect. Feeling jealous/ envious and comparing yourself to your peers or heroes is human nature – but it is vital that you overcome it and focus only on your own sense of success, and be happy for those you think are ‘better’ or ‘more attractive’ than you. Do not let your envy burn bridges – be happy for someone else’s achievements, for they may not feel ‘successful’ at all, and keep walking down your own path, in your own shoes, for you can never walk in somebody else’s.

  As You See Others

  Tell me, when you walk down the street and see a passer-by, how much do you notice about their appearance? As they approach you, do you stare at them, calculating what you consider to be their ‘flaws’? Do you hone in on things such as their dress size or each individual spot on their face? Chances are (unless you’re a very mean person) you don’t. As soon as that person has walked past you, you’ve forgotten what they looked like, and you continue with your day.

  That is what others do when they’ve seen you, too.

  Struggling with your own self-esteem is a battle all of its own, but worrying about whether or not others perceive you as ‘hot’ or ‘not’ is futile. There was a YouTube trend a while back called Smash or Pass where YouTubers (mostly male) would bring up photos of other YouTubers (mostly female) and comment on whether they’d ‘smash’ or ‘pass’ them. On top of being grossed out by how objectifying this was, I mostly found myself in the ‘pass’ pile. A few years ago, I would have been devastated, but over the years, I have learned what I’ve been preaching throughout this book– a stranger’s opinion on my appearance is irrelevant. Oh, no! A YouTuber who treats women like trash wouldn’t sleep with me! I’m so fucking sad about it! Even if they’d said they’d ‘smash’ me, they wouldn’t have the damn privilege.

  There is a trick I taught myself which has really helped with pulling out the positives in my appearance when my mind is filled with self-doubt: whenever I do a meet and greet at events, I will look at the person approaching me and find something about their appearance I can compliment them on. Perhaps their hair looks super cute, or their make-up is totally on point, or their necklace is gorgeous! Over the course of a few years, I’ve taught myself to naturally find something positive to think and say about strangers I’ve never met before. I’ve gone from being someone who sees a person as entirely ‘hot’ or ‘not’ to appreciating the little features about everyone
– and in doing so, I have also learned to do the same with myself. Now, when I look in the mirror, before my self-consciousness about my body or facial features can creep in, I remember the things I do like about myself. Sure, I’ve got permanent bags under my eyes (thanks, genetics) but my hair is growing longer each and every day, and looks healthy and strong! Sure, I don’t have curves like the girls on Instagram that I love, but my tattoos on my arm are SUPER COOL. Sometimes, the only way out of a negative spiral is through fighting your own mind each and every day until you’re able to see the things that others appreciate about you.

  Let’s do it together. Write down five things you like about yourself. It’s okay if you have to think about it, but I will not accept ‘I don’t like anything about myself’ as an answer. I bet your hair is cool. I bet your eyes light up super nice when you smile! I bet your butt looks great – wait, can I say that? Just pretend I said your nose is probably cute:

  When you’re done, I want you to tweet me (@emmablackery) your answers. Let’s celebrate your self-worth!

  Don’t you skip out on me! For every ‘flaw’ you think you have, there’s something equally as cool about you that makes you unique. If you’re really struggling, perhaps show this part of the book to your friends or a family member, and get them to tell you things they like about you. Agree with them. Don’t try to downplay their compliments and brush them off! I know it can be hard accepting yourself for how you look, especially when there’s so many hot pieces of ass out there (honestly why do I not look like Hayley Williams yet? I’ve been so good lately), but referring back to a list of things that you are comfortable with in terms of how you look can help to quieten those voices of self-doubt! I’ll do it with you:

  1. I have a nice smile! Sure, I had to get braces in adulthood to straighten my teeth out, but I’m super happy with them now, and I actually grin in photos instead of keeping my lips tightly shut!

  2. My tattoos are TOTALLY RAD SICK COOL DOPE SHIBBY 360 NO SCOPE. Especially the ones on my right arm. I have a hamster wearing a kimono eating sushi permanently chilling out on my arm!

  3. Sure, I’m short, but short is cute sometimes. It makes me appear younger, I never hit my head on doors and I’m always the last to get soaked in a rainstorm. Besides, anyone who doesn’t take me seriously because of my height is a proper bell who doesn’t deserve to hang out with this short glass of water anyway.

  4. My eyes are a nice shape! Every make-up artist tells me so. I don’t know why make-up artists like to say it (perhaps they’ve all had bad experiences with . . . eyes that . . . aren’t nice?) and when I smile my eyes light up and my entire appearance changes to that of a softer, kinder person. I can switch between a death glare and innocent, happy puppy eyes! I’m a master of disguise!

  5. I have a cool birthmark on my hip that kind of resembles Switzerland. I just think it’s neat.

  Whenever I used to look in the mirror as a teenager, I would tug at the pores on my nose and pop every spot I had, praying that puberty would do me right. Now, when I stand in front of a mirror, I still get flashes of that unhappy, insecure teenager, but almost immediately, I see those five things on the positive list. It’s taken a lot of years, a lot of anger directed at my body given to me by both my bullies and myself, but I’ve finally begun to focus on the things that truly matter: my family, friends, making music, experiencing new things, achieving my dreams, instead of worrying about the little lumps and bumps that get me down now and again.

  11

  Nourish Yourself!

  You Are More Than Your Body

  I’ve never been happy with my body. For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to change at least one thing about my appearance, whether it was the shape of my nose (not pointy enough) my jaw shape (too round, not enough neck) or my boobs (like two painkillers on an ironing board, you know?). I’m not about to tell you that I’ve found a solution for insecurities, because I haven’t. I still fight with my mind every time I see another woman I deem as ‘perfect’ or ‘goals’ in terms of appearance in magazines or on TV, no matter how much I tell myself they’re either photoshopped or captured at a specific angle with good lighting on their side. In that very short, specific moment in time, it doesn’t matter if their skin has been smoothed out, or if their waist has been digitally pinched in – they are perfect, and I am not.

  However, I will say that, despite my ongoing insecurities, I have grown more comfortable with the genetics I was given. Over the past couple of years (which are, in my mind, the first years of my adulthood), I have come to the conclusion that my worth is not equal to my appearance. The happiness I feel from a compliment about my attractiveness is always fleeting, whereas the sense of accomplishment I feel within myself after creating something I am proud of (such as a 70,000-word book) stays with me for ever, my pride building and being deposited into a personal bank in my mind that I can withdraw from whenever I’m feeling down. I have a spot on my upper lip? Who cares? I headlined Shepherd’s Bush Empire on tour!

  If anything, the way I now react to someone calling me ‘ugly’ has completely flipped – when I was a teenager, battling with insatiable crushes and the monster that is puberty, my appearance meant everything to me. I wasn’t confident in my abilities as a human, so I focused on trying to look attractive to make up for it. Whenever a kid walking past me in the corridor would call me an ‘ugly goth bitch’, I would brush it off, telling them and their friends where I would invite them to place their opinion (usually somewhere tight and dark that belonged to their mother). Then, when I was alone and away from their judging eyes, I would replay their insults in my mind, often bringing myself to the brink of tears. If those mean kids thought that about me, surely that meant that everyone thought that about me? It didn’t matter how much of a smart, kind, funny person I tried to be – in my mind, I was ugly, and no one would take me seriously no matter how hard I tried.

  Now whenever someone calls me ugly, I laugh at their cheap attempt to upset me. Oh, no! Someone I don’t care about went for the go-to quick insult! Isn’t You’re ugly just the laziest insult in the world? Whether it’s from a bully at school, or a comment online, I just cannot take it seriously anymore. When I first started to receive nasty comments, they really got underneath my skin, but after many years of receiving the same cruel messages every single day, I began to realise a few things. Firstly, attractiveness is subjective – really, they’re stating an opinion, not fact – and secondly, if they’re calling you ‘ugly’, they’re not someone you want in your life, and therefore, their opinion means absolutely nothing! Now whenever I read You’re ugly, or something else insulting my appearance, I’m able to translate it as I do not find you sexually appealing to me, and I breathe a sigh of relief, because, despite what I thought as an insecure young girl, that’s not what I was put on the planet to be, and it’s not something I would get fulfilment from. I wouldn’t want someone so awful as to insult my appearance to find me attractive anyway.

  Of course, that’s just my personal growth. There will be people reading this who do get fulfilment from being considered attractive to others, and there is nothing wrong with that at all – I’m sure if you’re a struggling model and you’re called ugly, that word will sting you a little more than it would me – but the way to rebuild your confidence after an insult about your appearance is to focus on your self-worth. You always have the choice and freedom to bounce back after something hurtful, even if it takes a little while. You have the ability to deflect their attempts at upsetting you and turn them into a determination to do something that you’re proud of, and whether you realise this at fifteen, twenty-five or forty-five, you will eventually be able to find that divide between a stranger’s perception of you, and the perception you have of yourself. Achieve your goals in spite of the negative comments. Pity those who strive to hurt others with such cheap words, and know that you’re a better person for not doing the same to them.

  Of course, not caring about what others think and t
rying not to care about what you think are two very different things. There are still days when I’ll look in the mirror and wish that my boobs were bigger, or my legs were stronger, or my tummy were flatter, and then feel this wave of shame that I’m not like the picture-perfect models or athletes who always look flawless. But here’s my point, and I want you all to etch it into your brain: I am more than my body. My brain is more valuable than the sum of my visible parts. My pride in my abilities to create and love and be loved is stronger than any pride I would have in my would-be perfect appearance.

  With this, I often remind myself of something I once said in a video many years ago: Think of your body as a vehicle. Your body, when it comes down to the wire, is a lump of carbon atoms all formed in a certain way to help transport you to your next destination. Your body will carry you to your friends, your family, your hobbies, your passions and to anything else that makes you happy. It gets you from A to B. You don’t need a Porsche to get you from A to B – any car will do, whether it’s a bit slow, or a bit rusty (this is a metaphor – if your body has signs of rust, please seek medical advice). Your ‘vehicle’ will get you where you need to go. It’s like that cheesy thing your parents always say: it’s what’s inside that counts. Your body is simply a car to use to transport your soul to somewhere you love – respect it for that! Love your body for being able to make your soul happy – whether you think it’s a sports car or a heap of junk. I’m not saying it’s always going to be easy, but day by day, as your body carries you through experiences that an attractive appearance cannot help you with, you will slowly learn to accept yourself for who you are: warts and all.