After Alex Died

by Madison, Dakota

My worst fear was realized when she read the partners from the sheet she was holding. Cameron and I were assigned to lead the same group and we were expected to work closely for the next six weeks. Dr. Jones asked everyone to move into a seat next to their partners and I could see Sofia give me a grin when she moved over to sit with her partner, Antonio, an attractive Latino who was grinning just as widely when he saw her.

  Cameron made his way over to me and we both stared at each other.

  “I want you all to get to know your partners,” Dr. Jones announced. “You’ll have to learn to rely on each other and trust each other.”

  I shook my head. I just couldn’t do it. There was no way I could spend the summer with Cameron and there sure as Hell was no way I could be his partner. If he was the last person on Earth I couldn’t rely on him and I certainly would never trust him.

  I hurried out of the room and made it partially down the hallway before I burst into tears.

  I could hear two sets of footsteps coming down the hall after me. When I looked up Dr. Jones was glaring at me, and Cameron was standing right behind her, gawking at me.

  “What’s going on?” Dr. Jones’s tone was harsher than I expected. She was one tough woman, no doubt about that. It made me wonder what her story was. People usually didn’t end up that tough without some kind of story.

  “I can’t work with him,” I managed to sputter between sobs.

  Dr. Jones placed her hands on her hips. Her eyes narrowed. “Why not?”

  I was about to reveal the whole story but then I stopped. I gulped it all back and pushed it down my throat. “I just can’t.”

  Dr. Jones shook her head. “Not good enough. Do you want this job or not?”

  It wasn’t a matter of want it was a matter of need. I didn’t have anywhere else to go. “Yes,” I muttered.

  “Yes, what?” Dr. Jones pushed.

  “Yes, I want the job.”

  Dr. Jones looked at Cameron. “And what about you? Do you have a problem working with Deidre?”

  “Everyone calls me Dee Dee,” I interjected.

  Dr. Jones glared at me again. I wasn’t doing anything to endear myself to her, that was for sure.

  “Do you have any problem working with Dee Dee?” The way she emphasized Dee Dee made it sound like I was in kindergarten being scolded by the teacher.

  Cameron merely shrugged.

  That made Dr. Jones cross her toned arms over her chest. “A shrug is not an appropriate response to my question. When I ask a question, I expect a proper response. Got it?”

  “Yes,” Cameron said. His voice was still soft and unsure. This meek Cameron was so unlike the cocky boy I remember from high school.

  “Now, I’ll repeat my question. Do you have a problem working with Dee Dee?”

  Cameron’s eyes flashed to me then back to Dr. Jones. After a moment, he said, “No.”

  I glared at him and he looked away.

  Dr. Jones turned back toward me. “Well, Cameron is required to be here and it sounds like you want to be here, so the two of you need to find a way to work it out.”

  “Is there any way you can pair me with someone else? Anyone else.”

  Dr. Jones shook her head. “A lot of thought went into which teams would be working with which kids. All of the rooms have been assigned based on the teams. It’s too late to change them now.”

  I heaved a long, slow sigh. Was there any way I could survive working with Cameron Connelly? At the moment, the idea was unfathomable but I didn’t seem to have any other options.

  “Okay,” I said finally, although the words felt like a death sentence.

  “Fine. I expect the two of you to work out whatever problems there are and I don’t want there to be any trouble. Got it?”

  Cameron and I both nodded.

  “Got it?” Dr. Jones repeated loudly.

  “Yes, Dr. Jones,” Cameron and I stated simultaneously. A shiver ran through me when Cameron’s gaze met mine and I felt like I was going to be sick. Some of Cameron’s evil words to my brother echoed through my head. Gay boys like you don’t deserve to live.

  I could feel a bead of sweat run down my face and I quickly swiped it away with the back of my hand. Cameron’s eyes were fixated on the back of my wrist, probably trying to figure out what my tattoo said. After Alex died, I had the back of both of my wrists inked. My left wrist says: Born This Way with Alex’s date of birth. My right wrist says: It Gets Better with the date Alex died. Not only did I want to honor Alex with two of his favorite things, the Lady GaGa song and the organization for gay kids who face harassment, I also felt like I had a permanent reminder of my brother and carried him with me wherever I went. And to be honest, I also knew if I inked my wrists, I would be less likely to cut them when I had the urge to die, which was more often than I wanted to admit. I know there are many ways to kill myself but at least I have eliminated that option. And since I don’t have access to a gun that option is out, too. Survivors of suicide, like me, are a high risk group. Even though we know what it’s like to have a loved one die by suicide many of us still think about doing it ourselves.

  As much as I wanted to die sometimes, I still wanted to live more. I often wondered what it took for Alex to tip the scales and finally decide that death was better than life. The night of Homecoming was bad. Really bad. What Cameron and his friends did was unforgiveable. Was it the last straw after weeks of harassment? When did he decide that things might not get better? Or maybe he just couldn’t wait for them to eventually get better? They were all questions I would never get answers to.

  “Are you ready to go back into the classroom?” Dr. Jones’s question brought me back to the present moment.

  “Sure,” I lied. I wanted to go back to my dorm room, pull the shades closed, listen to some depressing music and sulk. I had gotten so skilled at sulking, it had become like a hobby. I spent most of my freshman year of college doing it. I was lucky to have a good-looking roommate with loose morals and lots of friends. She spent nearly every night in a room other than the one we shared.

  “Remember what I said.” Dr. Jones glanced back and forth between Cameron and I. “I don’t want any trouble.”

  Dr. Jones turned on her heels and marched down the hallway toward the classroom. I was surprised how fast she could walk considering her size and the fact that she was in three-inch heels. Even Cameron was having difficulty keeping up with her.

  All of the other pairs of counselors seemed to be having fun, talking and laughing. When I glanced at Sofia, she was smiling as she touched Antonio’s shoulder. Dr. Jones hadn’t stated explicitly that counselors couldn’t have relationships with each other but it was certainly implied in her speech. The way Sofia and Antonio were interacting with each other, I thought they might hook up even before the end of counselor orientation.

  Cameron and I took seats in the back corner of the room facing each other. Cameron was looking down at the laces of his Nike sneakers. We sat in silence for what felt like an hour but when I glanced at the clock on the wall not even a minute had gone by. We still had 20 more minutes until the end of the session and our break. Those 20 minutes were going to feel like 20 years if one of us didn’t say something.

  Finally, I cleared my throat and Cameron glanced up at me. His green eyes seemed to hold something I wasn’t expecting: anguish and defeat. I knew those eyes. I had seen them in the mirror staring back at me more times than I could count.

  I just couldn’t fathom how those anguished eyes had gotten on Cameron, the star of our high school basketball team, the big man on campus. In high school, he exuded so much confidence he was often perceived as being cocky. How could someone like Cameron possibly feel defeated?

  But he looked as broken as I felt.

  “So,” I managed to mutter. My throat still felt dry and the words were hard to get out. “We’re supposed to be getting acquainted with each other.”

  Cameron nodded but he didn’t offer anything else. He just stared at me. I didn’t k
now whether he was waiting for me to say something about myself, or if I was supposed to ask him a question. I kind of liked it better when he was staring down at his shoelaces.

  “Are you still playing basketball?”

  He shook his head then turned away. His eyes were moist and it looked like he was blinking back tears. He swallowed then cleared his throat.

  I waited to see if he would say anything else but he didn’t elaborate. My head was spinning out of control. It was bad enough to be sitting across from Cameron Connelly, one of the three people in the world I absolutely despised. But to be sitting across from Cameron and seeing him be a person I didn’t even recognize was completely blowing my mind. I needed someone to hate. Someone to be a target for all of my rage. And the cocky jocks, Cameron and his friends, had always fit the bill.

  “So you didn’t go to Penn State?” I remembered hearing that he had gotten a full basketball scholarship. It had been all over the local news.

  Cameron shook his head again. The conversation was so one-sided it was in danger of toppling over but it didn’t seem like Cameron was going to participate any more than absolutely necessary.

  “I just finished my freshman year here.” I thought maybe talking about me instead of him might elicit more of a response.

  “I know.”

  How in the world did he know that? How did he know anything about me? Or even care?

  “My mom moved out of town. She sold the house and got a condo close to The Shore.” I’m not sure why I mentioned that. I guess it was still bothering me and I really didn’t have anyone to talk to about it.

  “My parents kicked me out. I’ve been living with my brother in Pennsylvania.”

  That shocked me. When we were in high school, Cameron’s parents were his biggest fans. I remembered going to basketball games and his mom and dad would be wearing matching T-shirts with Cameron’s photo on the front.

  “My mom got a one-bedroom condo,” I admitted. It still hurt.

  “That’s harsh.”

  I shrugged. “I’m an adult. She said she needed to cut down on expenses. I get it.”

  A look of realization seemed to cross his face. “So that’s why you said you needed this job. Free room and board.”

  I put my index finger to my nose.

  “I’m not as dumb as I look,” Cameron joked. Dumb was the last thing you’d ever say Cameron looked. He was one of the guys every girl wanted to date in high school. Tall, muscular, blond with flawless features and a winning smile, he was the complete package. Everyone thought he’d make millions of dollars not just playing professional sports but getting tons of endorsement deals. He was the type of all-American looking guy you’d imagine being on a cereal box.

  “That doesn’t explain why you’re here. You’ve got a place to live.”

  He swallowed then rubbed his forehead. He suddenly looked uncomfortable. “I needed a way to finish my probation hours quickly so I could accept a scholarship at a school up in Boston. My probation officer hooked me up with his gig.”

  Anxiety poured through me as I thought about why he was on probation. All the memories of Homecoming and Alex’s suicide came flooding back. My breath caught as I fought back a sob.

  Cameron was staring at his shoelaces again and I knew the conversation was over. Luckily it was almost time for our break.

  ***

  I stood out in the warm sun trying to clear my head. As I took a deep breath of the humid air, I could feel someone grab my shoulders from behind. Sofia came around in front of me and gave me a broad smile.

  “This may end up being the best summer job ever.”

  “I don’t think Dr. Jones will approve of you and Antonio hooking up,” I warned her.

  “Why do you have to burst my bubble like that?”

  “I’m just saying…”

  She crossed his arms over her chest. “I didn’t hear Dr. Jones say anything about not dating our co-workers. And I already checked the packet. It doesn’t say anything about it in there either.”

  I shook my head in disbelief. “You already checked the packet?”

  She nodded.

  “It may not say anything but I still wouldn’t cross Dr. Jones. She’s one tough woman.”

  “You’re telling me, if one of the hot guys we’re spending the summer with, came on to you, you’d refuse?”

  “First of all, you’re making a huge assumption that any guy, hot or not, would hit on me. There’s no evidence to support that assumption.”

  Sofia raised an eyebrow. “Seriously?”

  “Yes.”

  “I find that difficult to believe. If your hair wasn’t a rainbow of various shades of cotton candy pink and blue and you went a little lighter on the eyeliner and you wore something other than black, you’d probably have every guy knocking on your door.”

  “Maybe I don’t want any guys knocking on my door.”

  “Girls?” Sofia offered.

  I shook my head. “No, nothing like that. I’m just dealing with a lot right now. I don’t need a guy to complicate things.”

  “Does Cameron know that?” Sofia gave me a sly grin.

  “Cameron?” I scoffed. “Even if he was the last guy on Earth, it would not be a consideration. I told you, we have a history. Besides, he’s way out of my league anyway.”

  Sofia actually laughed. “That boy is not out of your league. And there’s definitely something going on between the two of you. I can feel the energy between you. You can’t deny it.”

  “The energy you feel is hatred and disgust.”

  “Okay, whatever you say.” Sofia’s expression was dubious.

  “Look, you don’t know what happened when we were in high school.”

  “Care to enlighten me?”

  I shook my head. “I don’t really like to talk about it.”

  Sofia placed a hand on my upper arm. “Sometimes talking about it helps.”

  But bottling it up inside was easier. “I think break’s over. We’d better get back inside.

  ***

  We had one more session before lunch. Dr. Jones explained the curriculum for the program and described some of the weekend activities where we were expected to chaperone the students. We were going to be taking the kids on major overnight trips to New York City and Washington, DC as well as a number of day trips to historical sites around New Jersey. When I glanced over at Cameron, he was looking at me and he looked lost. If I didn’t know what an asshole he was, I might have felt sorry for him.

  By the time we actually made it to lunch, I was starving. I filled my tray with French fries and a mustard/ketchup combination that I loved and Sofia grabbed me by the elbow and led me over to a table she was sharing with Antonio.

  “Nothing like eating healthy,” Sofia teased as I sat down.

  “Potatoes are a vegetable and ketchup is made from tomatoes and they’re healthy.”

  She rolled her eyes and picked at her salad.

  “Does that even have dressing?” I asked.

  “No,” she complained. “I’m on a diet.”

  “You do not need to lose any weight,” Antonio said as he looked Sofia up and down. “You’ve got the right amount of everything in all the right places.”

  Sofia grinned and then bit into a cucumber.

  “Where’s your partner?” Antonio asked as I was about to pop a fry in my mouth.

  I glanced around the cafeteria and pointed my fry at a table in the corner where Cameron was sitting by himself eating a hamburger.

  “Why don’t you invite him to sit with us?” Antonio suggested.

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea,” I replied.

  “Why not? It would be nice to have another guy to hang out with.”

  I looked at Sofia to give me a hand but she just shrugged. I got the feeling that she was going to be taking Antonio’s side on things from now on.

  When I saw Cameron glance around the room, I waved to get his attention. He gave me a strange look, like he wasn�
�t sure why I was waving at him. I gestured for him to come over and watched as he grabbed his tray and made his way over to us.

  As he stood uncomfortably at the head of the table, Antonio said, “Hey, man. Want to sit with us?”

  Without saying a word, Cameron took the seat next to Antonio, which was directly across from me.

  “What’s up?” Antonio asked.

  “Not much,” Cameron replied. He picked up what was left of his hamburger and lifted it to his mouth but then thought better of it and let it fall back on his plate.

  “The food here sucks,” Antonio said. “I go to Rutgers. The food’s pretty good there. Better than average. This is like dog shit.” Antonio pushed the pizza on his plate away from him in disgust.

  Cameron nodded in agreement.

  “So, where do you go to school?” Antonio asked.

  Cameron shuffled in his seat. He looked uncomfortable. “I’m at the community college,” he muttered.

  My jaw dropped. Cameron got a full scholarship for Penn State. How did he end up at the community college?

  “That’s cool,” Antonio said.

  “So, how do you know Dee Dee?” Sophia asked. I elbowed her in an effort to get her to stop but she just glared at me.

  I stared at Cameron in an effort to persuade him to keep his trap shut but he wasn’t looking at me. He was playing with the French fries on his tray.

  “We went to high school together.” When Cameron glanced up at me, his green eyes looked flat and lifeless.

  “That’s what Dee Dee said,” Sofia added. She eyed me as if she wanted me to elaborate. I knew she was digging for information but I wasn’t ready to dish it out yet. I never talked about Alex’s death and what happened to him his freshman year in high school. After a year of living with my roommate, Kellie, the only thing she knew was that Alex had died. She never asked for any details and I never volunteered any information.

  I had a feeling that Sofia wasn’t going to give up that easily. I had known her for less than a day but I already knew she was the type of person that always got her way.

  Antonio looked at me then he looked at Cameron. “Did the two of you date or something?”