After Alex Died

by Madison, Dakota

  Cameron took the podium. “Thank you, Dr. Jones. I’m here today to talk about bullying. Not because I was bullied when I was your age but because I was a bully. And it ruined my life.”

  When I looked out over the sea of faces, all eyes were trained on Cameron.

  “I thought I had everything. I was one of the school’s first string basketball players. We were all-state champions. I already had a full basketball scholarship to Penn State. I was popular. I had tons of friends. I could get a date with any girl in the school. And I lost it all.”

  The kids were all enthralled. He had completely captured their attention. He had mine, too.

  “There was a freshman named Alex. He was a small kid, kind of geeky. He thought he was a comedian. He was always doing impressions and telling corny jokes to get people to laugh. Maybe it was his way of trying to get people to laugh with him instead of laughing at him. He made the mistake of talking to two of my teammates in the cafeteria. That put him on their radar. They immediately zeroed in on him as a target. They called him gay boy and it seemed to really bother him, so they did it even more. I joined in because I wanted to be one of the guys and I thought that was the way to fit in. Doesn’t everyone want to belong? Be one of the insiders? Because if you’re not an insider, that means you’re on the outside, too.

  “Before I knew it things had escalated. Other kids actually started looking forward to going to school to see what we were going to do to Alex.

  “The first time I really felt bad about what we were doing to Alex was an incident in the locker rooms. The three of us, Jay and Reggie, and I surrounded Alex by his locker. He looked scared, like he thought we were going to beat him up or something. He actually started shaking. That’s when I realized things had gotten out of hand. We weren’t going to hurt the kid, at least not physically. I thought we were just teasing him. But when I looked into his eyes I could see sheer terror. The guys had planned to pants him but I told them to stop. I said we’d better get to practice, that we were going to be late. We just left him standing there, shaking. When I looked back at him, I could see that he was crying.

  “Alex had a sister who was also a senior. She wasn’t one of the popular crowd but everyone liked her. She was cute and did well in school. A few days after the locker room incident, I passed by her in the hallway and she gave me a look like I was the scum of the Earth. No one had ever looked at me like that before, especially a girl. Everyone loved me, or so I thought. Especially the girls. But the way Alex’s sister looked at me that day stuck with me. If she had slapped me in the face, it probably would have hurt less. By then I knew that what we were doing to Alex was really wrong but we still didn’t stop. It was like rolling a giant snowball down a mountain then realizing you’d made a huge mistake. What do you do? The snowball is already in motion and picking up steam. The thing is just going to keep rolling and growing in size whether you want it to or not.”

  I could already feel teardrops streaming down my face. I tried to quickly wipe them away but like the snowball rolling down the mountain, the tears were flowing and there was no stopping them. I was just glad that all eyes were on Cameron and no one was paying attention to me crying.

  Cameron continued. “Jay and Reggie thought it would be funny to do something to Alex at Homecoming. Like a grand finale right before basketball season was ready to start. I was actually surprised that he showed up at the Homecoming Dance. He had accompanied his sister to the dance. I remember how beautiful she looked in her emerald green dress that matched her eyes.”

  My breath caught when Cameron described the dress I was wearing that night. I didn’t think he’d ever given me a second look. I wasn’t in the popular crowd or a cheerleader, which was the type of girl he normally dated.

  “Alex wore black slacks and a jacket with a green shirt that matched his sister’s dress. I could tell the two of them were close. They always seemed to be laughing and joking with each other. Alex’s sister always looked so happy when she was with him. I still remember how those smiles lit up her face. I can’t tell you how badly I wanted her to smile that way at me, just once.”

  It had been a long time since I really smiled one of the smiles that Cameron was talking about. A true smile of happiness. After Alex died, I felt like my happiness died with him and any light inside me faded away.

  Cameron went on. “Alex and his sister looked like they were having fun, dancing and goofing around. Jay and Reggie video recorded Alex doing some crazy dance moves. When we all went back to Reggie’s place after the dance, Jay and Reggie used some software to alter the video and add photos of men kissing and other stuff. They also added a lot of derogatory words and phrases to the video. They didn’t hesitate to upload it to YouTube and Twitter and email it to hundreds of kids at the school. By Sunday afternoon the video they made had gone viral. Everyone in the school had seen it and was talking about it and it didn’t take long for the YouTube video to get comments from people all over the country. Jay and Reggie never even considered how it would make Alex feel. They just wanted to get attention. My biggest regret was not doing anything to stop them. I was a willing participant in everything.

  “I learned the hard way that actions have consequences. By Monday night Alex was dead. He had killed himself. He’d said the video had ruined his life. It didn’t take long for the story to be picked up by the media. The media called what Reggie, Jay and I did a hate crime. Within a week the three of us were arrested for criminal harassment. I agreed to a plea bargain in exchange for testifying against my friends. You can imagine what people thought of me after that. I became a social outcast. A pariah. My punishment by the court was two years of probation, counseling and community service. But I was punished even more than that. I was thrown off the basketball team, so I didn’t get to play my senior year. My scholarship to Penn State was rescinded. It was during the Sandusky ordeal and the school said they didn’t want to have to deal with another scandal. My dad, who was the mayor of our small town, was asked to resign. He blamed it on me. My parents kicked me out of the house and have all but disowned me. My bright future was completely snuffed out. I didn’t even go the senior prom because I was afraid to ask anyone. I didn’t want to be rejected. The judge at Jay and Reggie’s sentencing said that we had failed ourselves, failed our families and failed our communities. She was right. But even after everything I lost and all my suffering, I know it doesn’t compare to what Alex’s family went through. They lost their son and brother.”

  As soon as Cameron was done with his speech, Destiny’s hand shot up. “What ever happened to Alex’s sister?” she asked.

  “You can ask her yourself. She’s standing right over there.”

  When Cameron pointed at me, there was a collective gasp from the group. All of the kids looked stunned.

  I could feel my heart start to race and the auditorium, that had felt large when I walked in, suddenly felt like it was closing in on me. Several beads of sweat ran down my face and I quickly wiped them away. I could feel my stomach start to churn and I started to get light-headed. I could feel myself start to sway and right before I passed out, Cameron caught me in his arms.

  When my eyes opened both Dr. Jones and Cameron were staring at me.

  “Are you okay?” Dr. Jones asked.

  “I don’t know. What happened?” I was lying on the floor. “Where are the kids?”

  “I sent them to lunch early,” Dr. Jones replied. “You fainted and Cameron caught you just before you fell.”

  I looked at Cameron. “Thanks.”

  “Why don’t you sit up?” he said.

  I did as I was told.

  “Would you like me to get you some water?” he asked.

  I shook my head. “I think I’m okay. Embarrassed but okay.”

  “There’s nothing to be embarrassed about,” Dr. Jones assured me as I sat up and let Cameron help me to my feet.

  She continued. “All of the kids expressed their concern. Needless to say they were surprise
d by Cameron’s story but even more surprised that you were Alex’s sister.”

  “You should probably get something to eat.” Dr. Jones gave me a stern motherly look. “Cameron mentioned that you don’t eat much for breakfast. You know it’s the most important meal of the day.”

  “So I’ve heard.” I glanced at Cameron, who was stifling a grin.

  “When you’re feeling a little better,” Dr. Jones added. “You may want to have a talk with Destiny. She seemed worried about you.”

  “I will.” I was worried about her too.

  “I’ll go to lunch with you,” Cameron offered. I could see he had concern in his eyes.

  “I’ll be okay,” I assured him.

  He was still holding onto my elbow. I felt like he was afraid to let go of me, as if I might fall again. Or maybe he felt like he was holding me up emotionally as well.

  Cameron was quiet as we headed to the cafeteria. “You can let go of my arm,” I suggested. “I promise I won’t faint again.”

  “Okay,” he agreed, but he didn’t release his hold on me.

  “Seriously, I’m feeling much better.”

  When Cameron finally let go of me, he didn’t seem to know what to do with his arms, so he folded them over his chest.

  “I’m sorry you lost your scholarship to Penn State.”

  “I got into a college in Boston for the fall term. A partial academic scholarship. I’ll have to work part-time to pay for the rest. My parents already told me they wouldn’t pay for me to go to school. They were furious when I lost the basketball scholarship.”

  “So you don’t play at all anymore?”

  He shook his head. “Nope.”

  “That’s too bad. You were really good.”

  “I just don’t have it in me anymore.”

  I knew how he felt. There was a lot I didn’t have in me anymore. I stopped and turned to face Cameron. “I had no idea that you ever thought about me.”

  “I think about you every day. I’ve thought about you every day for the past two years.”

  “I didn’t realize that you even noticed me before—everything happened.”

  Cameron put his hands in his pockets and rocked on his heels. “I have a feeling there’s a lot about me you don’t know.”

  I could feel my breath quicken. “I’m not sure what you want from me,” I muttered.

  “I think you do,” he said softly.

  I shook my head. “No.”

  Cameron’s eyes met mine and we stared at each other for a moment. For the first time, I noticed he had specks of gold in his green eyes.

  “No, you don’t know what I want or no I can’t have it.”

  “Just no,” I said.

  “I’ll take that as a no for now.”

  “I never expected you to be an optimist,” I said.

  “I’m not. I used to thrive on a challenge, though. It’s been a long time since anyone’s challenged me. It’s actually been a long time since anyone has cared enough to even bother.”

  Did Cameron think I cared about him? Did I? I wasn’t sure what was going on between us but it scared the Hell out of me.

  “We’d better get to lunch,” I said. “I’m getting hungry.”

  “And I don’t want you to pass out again. Not that I minded catching you. I want to be there for you whenever you fall.”

  I wondered if he realized how often I did fall, at least emotionally, or if that’s what he meant.

  ***

  I sat on my bed holding my framed photo of Alex. I wondered if Cameron was right. Was I holding on to his memory too tightly? Had my life become all about his death?

  There was a knock on the door. I wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone but the knocking was persistent. When I opened the door I was surprised to see Destiny.

  “Can I come in?” Her voice was small and hallow.

  “Sure.” I stepped away from the door so she could enter.

  She fidgeted then bit the edge of her thumbnail. I wondered if she was actually going to say anything or if she expected me to talk.

  Looking at her, dressed in all black, was kind of like looking at myself. Her appearance made her seem hidden and closed her off from other people, which is exactly what I intended by dressing that way. Although lately, I had been lightening up on the dark eye makeup a lot and sometimes even wearing the bright scarf Sofia had given me.

  “Do you want to sit down?” I gestured toward the bed.

  Destiny took a seat on the edge of my bed and I sat on my desk chair. She picked up the photo of Alex that I had left on the bed.

  “Is this Alex?” she asked as she examined his picture.

  I nodded.

  “He was cute.”

  “And funny. And smart. And creative. All people remember is that he was the gay kid who got bullied and killed himself.”

  “Can I ask you some questions?”

  I gulped. What if she asked a question I couldn’t answer or one I didn’t want to answer? I was scared but I also wanted to be there for her if she needed me. “Okay,” I said finally.

  “Were you the one who found him, after he killed himself?” She was still staring at his photo.

  The image of Alex hanging in his bedroom closet flashed through my mind.

  “Yes,” I replied.

  “What was it like?” Destiny looked up at me, her eyes wide.

  “It was the worst day of my life. He had already been dead a while when I found him, so there was nothing I could do to save him or bring him back. I felt helpless. Hopeless. Completely shattered. As you can probably tell, I’m still broken. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to put all the pieces of me back together again.”

  “I’ve thought about killing myself,” she admitted. “A lot. My mom puts so much pressure on me. It’s unbearable. She wants me to be perfect in every way and I’m not. I don’t think I can live up to her expectations of me. I thought dying would be easy but I never thought about what it would do to the person who found me. What if it was my younger brother or little sister?”

  “I have so many wonderful memories of Alex but I’ll always have the image of finding him dead like that in my mind.”

  “What about your mom and dad?”

  I sighed. “Alex’s death completely destroyed my family. My parents blamed themselves. They didn’t think they did enough to help him. They felt like they should have done more to stop the bullying at school. But Alex wasn’t completely honest with them. He didn’t tell our parents how bad it had gotten. After Alex died my mom quit her job as a school guidance counselor. She said if she couldn’t even help her own son, how could she help anyone else? She took a job as a cashier at a retail store. That put a lot of pressure on my dad to make more money so they could make ends meet. They fought a lot. They completely ignored me. It was like their relationship with me died when Alex did. Throughout the ordeal my mom became obsessed with getting justice for her son. She was so preoccupied with sending those boys who killed her son, as she called them, to jail that the retail store finally let her go. My dad struggled to keep everything together. All my mom cared about was making those boys pay for what they did. My dad finally had enough and he left. After the boys were finally sentenced my mom had to go back to work to support herself. She got a teaching job and put our house on the market. Both my mom and dad now live alone in one-bedroom condos and I’m here by myself at college. We used to be a family and now we’re like three separate people, who just happen to be related.”

  “I don’t want that to happen to my family. Especially to my sister. She’s only eleven.”

  I grabbed a book from my shelf. “You can borrow this if you want. You’ll get an idea of what family members go through when they lose someone to suicide.”

  She snatched the book from my hands. “Those They Left Behind: Interviews, Stories, Essays and Poems by Survivors of Suicide. Yeah, I’d like to read this.”

  “You can have it,” I offered.

  She stood. “I know you’re
busy, so thanks for talking to me.”

  “Any time,” I said and I meant it.

  ***

  I was absolutely exhausted after taking the kids to Waterloo Village, a restored 19th century canal town. Visiting the village brought back memories of class trips from when I was in elementary school. When I was a kid, most of my classmates only cared about going to the gift shop and getting rock candy. The high school students weren’t that much better. The history of New Jersey wasn’t a big hit but listening to the lecture on Blacksmithing piqued the interest of a few of them.

  Dr. Jones had to attend a wedding out of town, so she put the counselors in charge of the trip. We didn’t run into any major problems, except for Ryan and Hunter, who couldn’t stop laughing about horsehair stuffed cushions. When I thought about how silly teen boys could be, it didn’t take long for my thoughts to move back to Alex and how much he loved to laugh. He was so quick-witted and always made me laugh, even about the zaniest things. I missed those laughs.

  Cameron even impressed me by showing up early in the morning instead of rolling out of bed and just barely making it before the bus pulled away. I had a feeling he hadn’t gone out with Rachel and Renee. I noticed they had been more distant toward him since his testimony about bullying. It made me wonder which part of his story they didn’t like. I guessed it was because he was no longer a hot shot basketball player but I could have been wrong.

  I had just gotten comfortable in my bus seat and closed my eyes for a second to rest for the bus ride back home when Cameron plopped down in the seat next to me.

  “No napping, remember?” he said.

  I opened one eye and peered at him. “Seriously?”

  “Yes, I’m serious. The safety of six teenagers is in your hands. You need to stay awake and stay focused until we get them home and safely in their beds.”

  “It’s four o’clock. We’ll be back no later than five. Do you really think they’ll be going to bed?”

  “Metaphorically speaking,” he corrected.