After Alex Died

by Madison, Dakota

  Did the prospect of a relationship with Cameron make me happy? I wasn’t sure what I thought about it but I knew I felt something. And it was good to feel something other than numb or depressed. For the first time, in a long time, I was actually thinking about the future instead of the past.

  ***

  I couldn’t believe I was actually nervous while I was getting ready. My stomach was doing some major flip-flops. I told myself to breath and relax but my mind was racing. I hadn’t been on a date since high school—before Alex died. I’d had a boyfriend, Mason Tucker, most of my junior year and the beginning of my senior year. He was my first (and only). After Alex died, I completely shut down and we drifted apart. I couldn’t blame him for wanting someone else. Who wants to spend their senior year dating a depressed recluse? He ended up dating Melissa McGee, who had been my best friend for the first three years of high school. I guess she felt bad about ‘stealing’ Mason from me because once they started dating, we were no longer friends.

  I hadn’t even considered dating until Cameron pushed his way into my life. And now here I stood looking at myself in my new white dress hoping that I wouldn’t make a complete fool of myself on my first real date in almost two years.

  This time, when I heard the soft knock, I knew it was probably Cameron. When I opened the door, my breath caught at the sight of him. He looked gorgeous, like the Cameron I remembered from high school. The one all the girls went crazy over. He wore black jeans that fit snuggly in all the right places and he had on a black buttoned-down shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. His normally messy hair was a bit shorter and styled. He had gone all out in dressing up for the date. Best of all, his eyes were sparkling with a hint of excitement and they lit up even more as he looked at me.

  “You look amazing,” he commented as his eyes ran down the length of me. “I love that dress.”

  “You don’t look so bad yourself,” I replied.

  We stood there taking each other in for several moments. I could feel the energy between us building and I immediately tensed. I still wasn’t sure I wanted to feel as much as I felt for Cameron. The intensity of the building emotions was a bit overwhelming.

  “Is everything okay?” he asked. I couldn’t believe how attuned to me he seemed to be.

  I nodded.

  “It’s okay if you changed your mind.” All the confidence he had when he entered my room seemed to be draining from his body.

  “Changed my mind about what?” I asked.

  He swallowed. “About going out with me.” His voice sounded like it was getting smaller.

  It pained me to see the anguish on his face. “That’s not it. I didn’t change my mind.”

  He gave me a soft half smile. “Good.” He leaned down and gave me a light kiss on the cheek, which sent a small wave a shivers through me.

  “Sofia and Antonio said they would meet us at the club. We’d better get going.”

  After I locked my door Cameron took my hand in his. He felt warm and I could feel that warmth move through my body.

  The walk to Bogey’s was quiet, as we both seemed to be absorbed in our own thoughts. The night air was crisp. It had cooled a bit, which was a relief from the sticky, hot and humid day.

  “I hope you’re ready to dance,” he said as we got closer to the club.

  “I have to admit that I don’t get out very much. When you saw me here a few weeks ago, that was the first time I’d been to a club.”

  “Ever?” He seemed surprised.

  “Yeah, ever.”

  He shook his head. “I thought freshman were supposed to party like crazy. First time on your own, away from mom and dad and all that.”

  “I didn’t exactly have the most normal freshman year of college. I was dealing with a lot.”

  Cameron got quiet again. I noticed that he held my hand tighter, like he didn’t want me to pull away from him. Then he said, “I want you to know that I’m sorry. I hope one day I’ll earn your forgiveness.”

  I stopped. I tried to pull my hand from his but he was grasping it too tightly. “Is that what this is about? You want my forgiveness? I knew Cameron Connelly asking me out was a little too good to be true.”

  He shook his head as he grabbed my other hand. Now he had both of my hands in his. “Look at me, Dee Dee.”

  I glanced up at him and his expression was serious. “I do want your forgiveness. Sometimes I feel like I need it. But that is not what this is about. At all.”

  He brought my right hand up to his lips and placed a soft kiss on it. “I’m here because I want to be with you. I’ve wanted to be with you for a long time. In high school you were such a perfect girl. You were smart and beautiful. I never thought I was good enough for you.”

  I actually let out a laugh. “You thought you weren’t good enough for me? How is that even possible? You were one of the most popular guys in school.”

  “You were in all Honors classes. You dated Mason Tucker, the class president and the most likely to succeed. I didn’t think you’d want anything to do with a dumb jock like me.”

  I shook my head in disbelief. “Every girl in our high school wanted to date you. You dated half of our class. I just assumed I was in the less desirable half.”

  Now he’s the one that laughed. “No, you were definitely in the desirable half. I’d put you in the beyond-my-reach category.”

  “But you dated nearly every cheerleader in our school.” And most of them were prettier than me and some of them were even smarter than me.

  “I was supposed to date cheerleaders. I wasn’t supposed to date the Honors student at the top of the class. Besides, did you ever see me go out with any of those cheerleaders for more than a week or two?”

  I had to admit I hadn’t. I shook my head. “I just assumed it was your choice.”

  “No, definitely not. I’m not the screw-and-bolt kind of guy at all.”

  “You kind of had the reputation.”

  He heaved a heavy sigh. “I wanted a relationship. It just never happened. I think girls got bored with me when they figured out I wasn’t some bad boy Casanova and they moved on to one of my friends who could definitely fill that role for them.”

  “I guess we both had misperceptions about each other,” I observed.

  I could see Cameron had a lot of hurt inside and I wanted to do something to take it away, at least for a little while. I reached up and gave him a soft kiss. We both looked at each other for a long moment and then the floodgates of passion burst open. Cameron pulled me close and kissed me so deeply and so hungrily, it took my breath away.

  When we took a break for air, I placed my hand on Cameron’s cheek. “I don’t know how anyone could ever get bored with you.”

  He closed his eyes for a moment and rested his head against my palm. Then he folded me into his muscular arms and pulled me so tight, nearly every inch of our bodies were touching. “Please don’t ever let me go,” he whispered into my ear.

  We stayed locked in a tight embrace for what seemed like several minutes. I breathed in the scent of him, clean with just a hint of aftershave. I felt so warm, and safe and oddly comfortable inside the arms of a boy who was once my enemy. How could someone, who had once been so cruel, now be so kind?

  Perception is such a strange thing and how quickly it can change. All kinds of thoughts swirled through my head again. Cameron actually thought about me in high school. He thought I was too smart and perfect to be with him and I thought he was too cute and popular to be with me. I felt like Alice, who had just gone down the rabbit hole and ended up in an alternate reality. Was I actually falling for Cameron Connelly, one of the boys who was arrested for harassing my brother to death?

  Cameron kissed my forehead then said, “We’d better get going. I don’t want Sofia to send the cops out looking for us or anything. You know that girl is very protective of you.”

  That made me wonder if they had talked about me. “Is she?” I asked playfully.

  He nodded. “O
h, yeah. She threatened to have all four of her brothers take me down if I ever did anything to hurt you. I don’t think she was kidding either.”

  “We’d better not keep her waiting then,” I replied and we headed off to the club.

  ***

  “Girl, you look hot,” Sofia said as soon as she saw me. She pointed to Cameron. “This boy is lucky you’re even looking at him.”

  Cameron grabbed my hand and pulled me close. “I know I’m lucky. And I’m not going to take it for granted.”

  “See,” she said to Antonio who was standing by her side. “You should never take a woman for granted.”

  Antonio shook his head and looked at Cameron. “Dude, come on. Don’t make me look bad.”

  “Then don’t take your lovely lady for granted,” Cameron teased.

  Sofia eyed Antonio. He let out a sigh then gave her a quick kiss. They both looked at each other and grinned. They made a cute couple and seemed to be very in tune with each other.

  I was still amazed at how in tune Cameron seemed to be with me, even though we hadn’t really known each other very long. Of course, we had known of each other for years, but it was becoming increasingly clear that much of what I’d thought I knew about Cameron was based on my own faulty perceptions and misjudgments about him.

  When an upbeat dance song came on Antonio pulled Sofia onto the dance floor and Cameron pulled me right after them.

  He wasn’t a great dancer but he wasn’t a complete disaster either. He could keep the beat and we were having fun. The time went by fast and soon the four of us were sweating and thirsty.

  Three Cokes and a Sprite later, we were all back on the dance floor. After a moment Sofia started making gestures toward the far edge of the dance floor. I turned to look and spotted Renee and Rachel both staring daggers at me. My mood quickly shifted and I suddenly felt uncomfortable.

  Cameron put his face close to my ear so I could hear him over the music. “What’s wrong?” he asked. How does he always sense my mood changes so quickly, I wondered.

  “Renee and Rachel are glaring at me.” I pointed in their direction.

  When Cameron glanced over at them, they both smiled and Rachel gave him a little flirty wave.

  Cameron looked flustered when he turned back towards me. “What’s wrong?” I asked, a little too cattily. I could feel jealously start to pulse through my veins and I immediately hated myself for it.

  “Nothing.” Cameron was trying to be dismissive about the whole thing but I could see something was really bothering him.

  “Obviously, there’s something going on. You’re acting weird and the blondes are shooting daggers at me from across the dance floor.”

  Cameron gulped. “Can we talk about it later?” His voice was getting small again. It always seemed to shrink when he was upset or nervous.

  “Maybe it’s just better if I go.” I started to walk off the dance floor but Cameron grabbed my elbow to stop me.

  “Please,” he was almost pleading. “Don’t go.”

  “I think you need to tell me about Rachel and Renee and why they look like they want to kill me.”

  Cameron pulled me over to a table in a quieter corner of the club. Well, as quiet as you can get in a packed dance club anyway.

  “Do you remember that day when I was late for the trip and you saved my ass with Dr. Jones?”

  I rolled my eyes. “How could I forget?”

  “I went out with Rachel and Renee. We went out drinking. I know, it wasn’t a smart thing to do. Especially because I’m almost done with my probation. Let’s just say they were very persuasive. Renee has a boyfriend back at Rutgers where she goes to school. They were trying to fix me up with Rachel. I thought she was cute at first but she got really drunk and started coming on to me. It had been a really long time since I was with someone. Girls don’t exactly throw themselves at guys arrested for criminal harassment. She asked me go back to her room with her and I did.”

  Cameron looked down at the table, clearly uncomfortable but he continued. “The next morning, I immediately regretted being with her. I knew it was a mistake. Rachel said she didn’t want anything serious but she wanted to continue to mess around. I told her no but she said, ‘Well, see about that. I usually get what I want when I want it.’ I’ve tried to avoid them but it’s obviously not that easy since we all work together.”

  He still wouldn’t look at me. I could see he felt bad about what had happened but it still happened and we had to deal with it.

  “Will you please look at me?” I asked.

  After a moment, he looked up and I could see his eyes were wet. My stomach clenched as I thought about him being with Rachel. I felt sick.

  “She doesn’t care about me and she really doesn’t want to be with me. She just wants someone to fool around with and to entertain her for the next few weeks. If I had any idea that you would ever consider being with me, I would have never hooked up with her.”

  “There’s no way you could have known that we would end up together. I don’t think you should be so hard on yourself.”

  “Are you forgetting my number one Top Song…I’m a loser, baby.”

  “Do you really believe that?” I asked.

  “Ask my parents. They’ll tell you. Or my basketball coach. The other guys on the team who I let down. Half of our town. Being called a loser is better than being spit on and called a murderer, which some people still call me. Or a monster. A dirt bag. I think you even called me a few choice names in the past. When you hear those things enough, you start to believe them.”

  I rose. “Maybe you’d better take me home then. I don’t think I want to be seen with a dirt bag. Or a monster. Or even a loser. I thought it was Cameron Connelly who took me out.”

  He got up and put his hands in his pockets. After rolling on his heels for a few seconds he said, “Okay, let’s go.”

  The walk home was excruciating. I wanted that boy who came to pick me up back. I wanted the boy with the sparkle in his eyes. The one who was excited about possibilities. The Cameron who was next to me now was stuck in the past, regretting who he was and what he had done. We were such mirrors of each other in so many ways. How often did I feel like I was stuck in the past, a victim of mistakes and even a prisoner to them? I didn’t realize how alike Cameron and I truly were and how much we had in common. I realized then why we were so in tune with each other.

  When we got back to the dorm he still hadn’t touched me, or even said another word to me. That wasn’t okay. I could feel him pulling away and returning to his defensive shell. I knew that feeling so well because I had hidden in my own shell for so long. How ironic that Cameron was at least partially responsible for pulling me out of mine? Was I responsible for him crawling back into his?

  We stood at my door for a moment as Cameron rocked on his heels. “I think you need to come in,” I said. It wasn’t a question.

  He swallowed and stared at his shoe. “It’s late.”

  “I know. But we need to talk.”

  He nodded and I opened my door. I sat on my bed and Cameron nervously paced the floor for a moment. “You need to sit down,” I said. “Right here.” I pointed to a spot on the bed right next to me.

  Cameron did as he was told. We both sat looking at each other before either of us spoke. He still had so much sadness in his eyes it pierced my heart.

  “I don’t date losers,” I said matter-of-factly. “I would never date a loser. Ever.”

  “I think you just made an exception.”

  I shook my head. “There are no exceptions. No losers. Not now. Not ever.”

  He gulped. He looked like a sad little boy. I just wanted to hug him. Instead, I leaned over and placed a soft kiss on his lips. His breath caught and I continued to kiss him. After a moment his body responded and he kissed me back, tentatively at first but then more urgently and passionately.

  Every nerve ending in my body responded to his desire. I had to pull away just to gain a little control.


  Cameron pulled me against his chest and embraced me tightly. “Thank you,” he whispered.

  “For what?”

  “For wanting me.”

  I nestled into the warmth of his arms and inhaled his scent. I felt so alive and free, I didn’t want the moment to end.

  “I’d better go,” Cameron said, although his words were not convincing. I knew he wanted to stay as much as I wanted him to. “We have to get up early tomorrow.”

  As he pulled away he caressed my face with his fingers. “I still can’t believe I’m here with you like this.”

  I smiled and Cameron’s eyes regained some of the sparkle that I was growing to love. He rose and I followed him to the door. When he turned to face me he looked worried.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked.

  “I’m not sure how to act tomorrow, when we’re working, around the kids.”

  “What do you mean?”

  He held my face in his strong hands. “When I’m around you, I want to touch you and hold you and kiss you. I want everyone to know how I feel about you but I don’t think that’s going to fly with Dr. Jones.”

  “Definitely not,” I agreed.

  “I just want you to know that it’s going to be extremely difficult to keep my hands off you.”

  “It’ll just give you something to look forward to,” I teased.

  “You’re right about that.” He bent down and gave me one soft kiss before he left.

  New York City

  Dr. Jones planned two special trips over the course of the six-week program. The first big trip was to New York City and the final trip was to Washington, D.C. The New York City trip was our first overnight with the kids in a hotel. We were to arrive early on Saturday, tour Ellis Island, stay over Saturday night, and then spend all day Sunday at the American Museum of Natural History and the Hayden Planetarium. I knew it sounded a lot easier than it was probably going to be.

  All of the kids in the program lived in New Jersey and most of them had spent their lives in the state. What surprised me was that many of them had never been to New York City, which was right across the Hudson River. To say the kids were excited about the overnight trip was an understatement. They were completely ecstatic.