After Alex Died

by Madison, Dakota

  As he exited, Dr. Jones crossed paths with him on her way in.

  “Cameron,” she said her expression neutral. “I’m glad you’re okay.”

  “Thank you,” Cameron said.

  “You probably already know why I’m here.” Cameron heaved a sigh but Dr. Jones continued. “It goes without saying but you’re hereby terminated as a counselor with the College Bound program, effective immediately. I’ve asked Antonio to remove your belongings from the dorm room. He’s agreed to hold them for you until you’re ready to retrieve them.”

  “Dr. Jones,” Cameron muttered. When he looked up at her, his eyes were wet with tears. “I just want you to know how truly sorry I am. I know I let you down and I know I let all the kids down.”

  “The kids are worried about you. I’ll let them know you’re okay.”

  Cameron nodded.

  “I also wanted to let you know that I’m now required to make an unsatisfactory report to your community service officer.”

  “I know,” Cameron said.

  “I’ll be in touch soon,” Dr. Jones said. “Please take care of yourself.” She turned and walked out before Cameron had a chance to respond.

  I lay my head on Cameron’s chest for a moment and just listened to him breath. It felt oddly comforting not to worry about anything but the moment we were in.

  Finally Cameron broke the silence. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about overdosing.”

  “I know now.” I lifted my head from his chest and looked into his eyes.

  “It’s okay if you don’t want to be with me. I wouldn’t blame you. I’m a complete fuck up.”

  “I’m not going anywhere. I already told you that.”

  Cameron lifted my fingers to his lips and kissed them. “I just wanted you to know I really fucked things up this time. I’m not going to be able to go to Boston for the fall term. I’m going to lose another scholarship. I’ll have to stay here and find another place to finish my community service hours. I don’t know now if I’ll ever get to college.”

  “You may not be able to go now but that doesn’t mean you’ll never get to go. I’ll help you. We’ll figure it out.”

  “I may have to do some inpatient counseling.”

  “Do you think it will help?”

  He shrugged. “Maybe. I guess it couldn’t hurt.”

  ***

  Cameron’s mom and dad never visited him in the hospital. I could tell he was hurt but shrugged it off. I got to meet his older brother, Colin. He was six years older, so we didn’t go the high school together. Cameron looked a lot like Colin except Colin was about four inches shorter and 50 pounds lighter.

  “I’ve heard a lot about you,” Colin said as he took my hand and shook it.

  Wondering exactly how much he’d heard and if it was good, I gave him a warm smile.

  “I’ll get your room ready again,” Colin said to his brother.

  “Just when you thought you were finally rid of me, I’m back already.”

  “You know you’ve always got a room at my place,” Colin assured him. “I mean it.”

  Cameron closed his eyes and I knew he needed to rest. It had been a long afternoon.

  ***

  Later that evening, after Cameron picked at the chicken salad and fruit they gave him, he tried his best to talk me into running out to McDonald’s to get him a hamburger, fries and a milkshake.

  “But you’re supposed to be eating healthy,” I protested.

  “All of the major food groups are represented in a McDonald’s meal. Meat, carbs, veggies and dairy.”

  “Veggies? Really?”

  “That burger comes with lettuce and tomatoes,” he protested.

  I sighed. “If it’s okay with the nurse, I will get you some fast food.”

  He actually grinned and some of the light came back into his face. Getting the fast food was definitely going to be worth it.

  The nurse gave me the okay and off I went to Mickey Dees.

  By the time I returned, Destiny was exiting Cameron’s room.

  “Did you get to talk to him?” I asked.

  She nodded. “He told me about the tattoos on your wrists.”

  That completely surprised me.

  “Can I see them?” she asked.

  I nodded and turned my wrists over for her to see. I explained the symbolism behind both pieces. She carefully examined both the tattoos.

  “Does it work?” she asked.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Does it stop you from trying to kill yourself?”

  I nodded. “Did you read the book I gave you?”

  She nodded.

  “Did it help?”

  “Yeah. I gave a lot of thought to how much suicide impacts the people that are left behind. I’ll always remember that when things get really bad.”

  “I’m glad it helped.”

  “I’ll see you back at school,” she stated, then turned and walked away. After a moment, she turned back and mouthed, “Thanks” before she disappeared into the depths of the hospital.

  After Cameron Decided to Live

  Cameron was right about one thing. They wanted him to stay in inpatient treatment longer this time. Unfortunately his parents had dropped him from their medical insurance and he had no way to pay for treatment, so they released him. His counselor agreed to see him again on an outpatient basis and let him pay on a sliding fee scale. Cameron said he liked that option better anyway because he already felt comfortable with his counselor. The most important thing I noticed was that Cameron was slowly getting the sunshine back in his wonderful smile.

  Sofia, Antonio and I managed our two groups until the end of the College Bound program. The kids all expressed concern about Cameron. I could tell they missed him. The trip to Washington was a challenge but still managed to be fun and educational, imagine that. But without Cameron there to share the experience with me it fell a little flat. I was actually surprised by how much I missed him when he was gone. Considering how long it took me to actually want to work with him, it seemed like a cruel joke to take him away so quickly. But I thought about him constantly and couldn’t stop wondering how he was doing.

  And a small part of me was afraid he might try to hurt himself again. I wondered if I would always feel that way, or if the day would come when I would be certain that he wanted to stay with me and that he wanted to live.

  Was I asking too much? How could anyone ever be that certain? Was I even certain that I could make a promise like that to myself?

  After the College Bound Program ended, there were still four weeks until the fall school term started and I needed a place to stay. My mother said she was doing too much entertaining at her new place and I didn’t have the stomach to ask what that meant, even though I had an idea. She was enjoying being single and dating again.

  My dad was also hesitant to have me stay at his place because he was trying to work on his relationship with his new wife. I didn’t think it was normal that they seemed to already have so much work to do on their relationship when they were still newlyweds, but I didn’t feel like going down that road with my dad.

  I felt like an adult orphan even though I still had two living parents.

  Sofia said I could stay with her family if I didn’t mind living with her, her four brothers, her parents and sleeping on the living room couch. I was just about ready to say yes to Sofia’s offer when Colin stopped by to see me.

  “I hear you’ve got a little bit of a housing crisis,” he said as he sat down on my desk chair.

  I took a seat on my bed. “My options are a couch in a house already bursting at the seams with seven people, or a homeless shelter. I suppose if I had a car I could sleep in it, but I’m not even that fortunate.”

  Colin smiled. “I want you to know you’re welcome to stay at my place with Cameron.”

  I was surprised by the offer. As much as Cameron wanted me to stay with him, he didn’t think his brother would agree to have me stay there too. Camero
n told me his brother didn’t think men and women should live together before marriage.

  “Thanks,” I said, but I couldn’t hide the surprise on my face.

  “I know it’s only temporary and that you’ll be moving back to the dorm in a few weeks. Plus, you’ve done so much for my brother and I think he still needs you.”

  “I need him, too” I confessed.

  “I think you both need each other.”

  ***

  After I moved the meager belongings I had into Colin’s place, the three of us quickly fell into a routine. I knew he probably wouldn’t admit it, but I thought Colin actually liked having me around.

  The brothers weren’t home very much. Colin, who had earned a degree in accounting, worked for a small accounting firm and even though he said they were only really busy during tax season, he still spent a lot of time at the office. And I was proud of Cameron, who secured a part-time job working on a crisis hotline. Since I wasn’t working, I kept the small apartment clean and I made sure there was always a hot meal on the table when the guys got home.

  One night at dinner I asked Colin why he didn’t have a girlfriend. He was an attractive guy, just like his brother. He told me he didn’t have much time to date. I thought it had more to do with the fact that he seemed a little shy.

  “I think Cameron already got the best girl anyway,” he said and winked at me.

  As Cameron helped me clear the plates, the phone rang. The three of us just stared at it for a minute. Colin rarely got calls, so I think we were all shocked at first.

  Colin finally answered on the fifth ring. “Yes, just one moment,” he said into the receiver then handed the phone to Cameron.

  I couldn’t hear what the person on the other end of the line was saying but I could see the look of surprise on Cameron’s face as the person spoke.

  After he hung up, he turned to me and said, “It was Dr. Jones.”

  I lifted an eyebrow. “What did she want?”

  “She wants to see me tomorrow. Will you come with me?”

  “Of course,” I assured him. “If you need me.”

  ***

  It felt strange to be in Dr. Jones’s office again. Even though the program had only ended a few weeks prior, so much had happened, it seemed like an eternity ago.

  Cameron and I were both seated in chairs across an extra-large mahogany desk. The piece of furniture was so enormous, it made Dr. Jones look even smaller than she was.

  “I suppose you’re wondering why I called you here today,” she said.

  Cameron nodded.

  Dr. Jones continued. “It was brought to my attention that one of the freshman class members decided to go backpacking through Europe for a year rather that start school at our fine institution. That means there is an opening. It’s a full scholarship. You would just have to cover room and board. I’ve recommended you for the spot, Cameron.”

  Both of our jaws dropped at the same time and Cameron and I looked at each other. A small smile crossed my face but Cameron still looked shocked.

  He turned back to Dr. Jones. “But you fired me.”

  “I did,” Dr. Jones said. “You deserved to be fired. But you also deserve a second chance. Just so you know, I don’t give third chances. You’ve got your one and only do-over.”

  “How can I thank you?” Cameron asked.

  “By graduating and not messing up before then.”

  “I won’t,” Cameron assured her. “I promise.”

  “I’ll be watching you, Mr. Connelly. Remember that.”

  ***

  The weekend before the fall term started Cameron asked me to meet him at Alex’s grave. It had been a while since I visited the site, so I brought the letter I had written to Alex over the summer.

  The graveyard was quiet and peaceful. It always was. It truly was a final resting place for the departed souls buried there.

  Alex had a simple headstone which always looked clean but barren. I’m not sure why my parents picked it out because it didn’t exemplify anything about the person Alex was. It was nothing more than a marker of his short existence on Earth.

  I placed the letter I had written at the foot of his gravestone, and then I closed my eyes and listened to the light breeze blowing through the maple trees that surrounded the graveyard. After a moment I realized that I wasn’t crying. It was the first time I could remember thinking about Alex and not shedding a tear. And it was definitely the first time I had been to his grave and not broken down into a sobbing heap. Maybe Cameron was right. Maybe forgiving him was the final thing I needed to do to heal from the loss.

  I could see Cameron heading toward me in the distance. He was carrying something in his hands. As he got closer I could see that he had an origami crane.

  He placed the paper crane on Alex’s grave stone. “It’s a symbol of peace,” he explained. “And my counselor says origami is good for the soul.”

  Cameron sat down next to me on the ground.

  “I wanted to show you something and I thought this would be a good place to do it,” he said.

  Since he wasn’t carrying anything else I could see, I wondered what it was he wanted to show me.

  He pulled up both the sleeves of his Henley and showed me the back of his wrists. On his left wrist, the one he cut, he had a tattoo over the scar. It was in the same script as my tattoos. The tattoo said Fell to Pieces and had the date of Alex’s death. On his right wrist he had You and Only You and my date of birth.

  “That’s quite a gesture,” I said trying to wrap my head around the enormity of what he had done.

  “This is my promise to you that I won’t do it again. I won’t try to kill myself. I also want you to know that you saved me.”

  “You saved me, too,” I assured him.

  “Maybe we both saved each other,” he said as be pulled me into his arms and we hugged each other beside Alex’s grave.

  As he tightened his embrace, I realized forgiveness had come at last and by forgiving ourselves and each other we were both facing a much brighter future.

  Letter to Alex

  Dear Alex-

  After you died I felt completely and totally alone. I never once felt that way when you were alive. You were always my side-kick, my cuter and much funnier shadow. You could always make me laugh at the silliest things.

  I don’t remember laughing as much since you died. It’s as if my ability to laugh died and was buried with you.

  Most days I feel like I’m swimming in a sea of despair. I know that’s a cliché. Bad writing and all of that. You were always the creative one. I used to marvel at your ability to make up the funniest stories with just a word or even a simple gesture thrown at you. Because you were so funny and always made people laugh, I had no idea you were so sad inside. Does that make me a bad sister? That I didn’t know? That I couldn’t tell something was very wrong?

  I feel like I let you down.

  You said you felt like your life was ruined and that no one would ever respect you. I know you wondered if anyone would ever love you. I loved you, but I know that’s not the kind of love you so desperately wanted. You wondered if you’d ever find someone to love you enough to marry you. Or if you’d even be allowed to get married. You wondered why you were treated like a second-class citizen.

  You told me you thought about God a lot. You wondered if God existed, and if so, how could he make you so different from everyone else and still claim to love you. And you wondered how God could have created people who showed so much hate towards you. But those people didn’t even know you. They only hated you for what they thought you were. You were a lot of things—so many rich and wonderful things. You were gay but you were so much more.

  I always wanted you to sing at my wedding. You had such a beautiful voice and knew how to perform. I wondered so many times if I’d ever get married. But after you died, I didn’t think my heart would ever heal enough to love another person.

  I wonder how you’d feel if I told you one day that I
was getting married to Cameron Connelly. Would you feel betrayed? Would you be angry? Would you even want to be there? Part of me wonders if you would have eventually forgiven him. You had such a big heart and you were filled with so much love and kindness. I have a feeling you would have been able to eventually find it in your heart to let go and free yourself of the pain. And a big part of that freedom would have come from forgiveness.

  I will always love you, Alex.

  Resources

  Those They Left Behind: Interviews, Stories, Essays and Poems by Survivors of Suicide: In this collection of interviews with survivors of suicide, individuals talk candidly and intimately about how their lives have been impacted by the suicide of a family member or close friend. Over 50 individuals were willing to share their personal tragedies as a way of helping others who face a similar loss, as well as educating the public about the issues survivors of suicide face. Their willingness to share their stories is a testament to their endurance and strength in the face of adversity.

  The Trevor Project: A national organization providing crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning youth.

  It Gets Better Project: A place where young people who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender can see they are not alone and that it does get better, if they can make it through their teen years.

  About the Author

  Dakota Madison has been writing since she learned to read and fell in love with books. When she's not at her computer creating spicy new romances, Dakota is traveling to exotic locales or spending time with her husband and their bloodhounds.

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