Peace in My View

by C. L. Rosado

  I return to the ranch about 30 minutes later. Ari had said that the funeral home was on their way, and she didn't want me to be gone when they took Momma. Evidently my momma didn't think I would have the strength to handle her arrangements, so she had already worked those out. The nurse had made the necessary calls. Momma wanted to be cremated, so all I have to do is sign a piece of paper and get a memorial together.

  I married the most amazing woman in the world. I'm sure every man thinks that about his wife, but I really did. Ariana has done everything for me. I wouldn't, couldn’t, get through this without her. She made an amazing slide show of pictures. She, Liv, and Aunt Mona went through all of Momma's photos, and something I didn't know is Ariana had been taking photos of my momma through the whole process. Normally, I would say I didn't want these types of photos in the slideshow, or I wouldn't have, had I known about them. Seeing them now though, the composition of them doesn't focus on the cancer but the intimate moments. Like one where I'm holding Momma's hand. In one Momma is laughing, and the lens is zoomed in where you can see her crinkles—that's what she always liked to call them—in black and white. God, I miss her so much. Ariana also let everyone know when and where. There was a small church in town Momma attended when she was well, and that's where we decided to have it. It's a quaint little church with small town roots, and I think it fits my momma perfectly.

  I have held myself together so far, but I wrote something for Momma, and I'm going to read it at the memorial. I'm getting a little antsy. I will probably lose it. Maybe Ari will read it for me.

  Here she is now, walking into our room, looking way too good to be going to a memorial.

  "Woman, what are you trying to do to me?" I ask

  “ What do you mean?" she questions making her way to where I sit at the edge of the bed. I'm not sure it's ok to be thinking the things I'm thinking right now in this moment. Honestly, I just want to throw her down and get lost for a while. I need to get a grip.

  “You just look so damn hot. I'm not sure I will be able to focus on anything else but you. It could get awkward, you know, being at a church and all,” I tease.

  “You want me to change?” I don't want her to change. I love when she takes my mind off of my grief.

  “Not at all. You’re perfect. I might need you to do me a favor though… could you read what I wrote? I’m not sure I can,” I explain and give her my saddest face to convey how much I need this from her.

  “Gentry, I really think you need to do this. I can step in the moment it gets too be to much for you.” I guess that will have to work. I nod in agreement. There’s not much else I can do. Damn it! I don’t want to be doing this. Ari kisses me briefly before leaving me alone again. I wish I wasn’t an only child right about now.

  “Eleanor Sloan was the absolute best mother a child could have. I’m not certain how I will manage without her.” I take a few deep breaths. I can do this. I hope. “She was there for me, for every scraped knee and broken bone. She was at every football,basketball, and baseball game I ever played. She encouraged me in every endeavor. She loved me even when I wasn’t easy to love. There are lots of things I wish I had done differently as a son. I didn’t always do right, but her love never wavered.” God this is so hard. I take a minute to compose myself. Ariana stands to come to me, but I signal for her to stay put. I need to do this for me. “ I know that all of you here know the woman my Momma was. This is an excruciating loss, I’m completely devastated.” I can’t read from my paper anymore. I decide to wing it. “She went out of her way for her friends and family. She loved my dad and me with everything she had. She wanted lots of children but was unable to have anymore after me. All my life I was glad I was an only child up until this point.” That makes everyone laugh. Thank God. It was getting hard to breath. “She was relentless in getting me married off to my beautiful wife, and I will never have the chance to express my complete gratitude for that. She said she knew the first time she saw Ari and me together that we loved each other. I loved my momma so much, and forever would've never been enough time with her. She is no doubt happy to be reunited with my dad, and she is no longer in pain. For this, I’m grateful. Thank you all for coming to pay your respect to my momma.” With that, the Pastor takes over, and I have a seat beside Ari.

  Chapter 24

  Loss: the fact or process of losing something or someone;the state or feeling of grief when deprived of someone or something of value.

  Ariana

  I had never lost anyone I loved before. Eleanor came into my life and made a mark.

  Even though we knew it was coming, even prepared ourselves, nothing could prepare me for such a devastating loss. The thing I have to come to know about death is that it doesn’t care who you are, or how much you love someone. It doesn't consider that you need more time, that you haven’t said or done all the things you wanted. That is how I felt right now, like I had only just met Eleanor, and although we packed a lot into the months together, there were so many things I didn’t know. I didn’t know how to help her son, my brand new husband, get through the loss of his mother when I wanted to grieve, too. I’m trying to hold it together, trying to be strong for Gentry, but I’m dying on the inside. Gentry had asked me to read his letter to his mom at the memorial, but I didn’t think I had it in me. I was never more grateful for his strength, he made it through with only a few short breaks.

  Loss is hard on the people losing. Loss is different for everyone. Some people feel angry, some are consumed by their grief, and some live in denial, filling up the pain with drugs, alcohol, or sex. I want nothing more than to face mine head on. Eleanor wouldn’t want it to consume me.

  I can tell that is what’s happening for Gentry,though. Through the preparations and memorial, he was holding it all together. I was waiting for the break down, but it didn’t come. I can feel the change in him, like he isn’t really here. Peck had left after the wedding and wasn’t able to come back for the memorial because he had already been gone too long and needed to work. Mona went home yesterday, and Liv had school, so here I was, stuck with my husband I loved, but I didn't have any idea how to make it better for him. Not even ten years after losing his dad, he lost his mom. I’m not sure I could recover, so how am I supposed to help him?

  He had already put the ranch up for sale, and we were in the process of moving his things from the ranch to my house, not to mention all my things that had made their way there, as well.

  His momma had left the ranch to him, but her will stated that Cal and the other hands had to be contracted in to stay on there, meaning whoever bought it had to agree to keep the hands on or they couldn't purchase the property. Once the ranch sold, he was to give a portion of the sale to his aunt for all she had done while Eleanor was sick. She left Liv and Peck a bit of cash as well. She must’ve changed her will recently, because she made it a point to say she didn’t leave me anything because if it didn’t work out for her son, I would get half of everything he had. Liv and I had busted out laughing when the lawyer read that part out loud. Greatness is what that was. God, I was gonna miss that woman.

  3 weeks later

  “Run away with me, Ari. Let’s just get out of here for a while. I just want to forget for a little while.” Is he serious? Yes he is serious. He has been making subtle hints since we started staying at my house. I think at first he thought if he just got out of that house, he would be fine, but I could tell he wasn’t adjusting here, either.

  “I can’t leave right now, Gentry. I want to. I do, but I have obligations here.” It was fall, and my busiest time of year. I had regular sessions I already had scheduled. I felt horrible leaving him alone when I worked. I need to stay busy. It helped me cope. “You go do what you need to do. Go visit Peck.” I didn’t want him to go because honestly, I was terrified he wouldn’t come back to me. I wanted him to find a way to grieve his mom, though, however or wherever that might be.

  “You’re my wife. I can’t just leave you here while I run away to
another state.” It would crush me.

  “What goes up, always comes down. When it does, you know where to find me. I’m yours, that’s one thing for sure. It wouldn’t change with distance. Look, how about this, just go see if it helps you to get away. If so, that’s what you need to do. As soon as I’m free, if you are not back, I will come to you.” I would, honestly, I would follow him anywhere at this point. If we did move somewhere, I would just have to find a way to take my best friend with me.

  Gentry left the very next day. I tried not to be upset. I had told him to go. I just hoped he wouldn’t. I was gonna need Liv and a half gallon of Blue Bell. Thank God the famine was over.

  Chapter 25

  Gentry

  Leaving the ranch yesterday should have put me back in Florida already. Anytime before, it was easier to breathe with every state line I crossed. I found out yesterday that is no longer the case. The weight of the pain from losing my dad always lessened the further from home I got. Of course, I thought I could escape the loss of Momma the same way. By the time I reached Mississippi, I realized the problem. I wasn’t just leaving Momma behind, she was gone. I had walked away from the only person on this earth I loved more than my parents, more than myself. My wife, my life, Ariana was my whole reason for living.

  I was stupid to think I could escape something so powerful. The pull that woman has on my heart was tethering me back to Texas. No matter how bad the pain of losing my parents was, in that state at least, I had Ari. Here, I not only mourn the recent loss of my momma and the ever present loss of my dad, I was also without the one person who brought relief to the pain. I willingly walked away from the one woman whom I loved more that anything in this world.

  Yesterday evening, I decided to grab a motel to make sure I needed to turn back. After all, Ariana agreed to come to Florida as soon as she was free. By this morning, I was ready to buy a plane ticket in order to get to her as fast as possible. I didn’t, of course, but I wanted to. I haven’t told her any of this, though. I would as soon as I was in front of her again. Well, I did let her know I had decided to spend the night in Mississippi claiming I was just too tired to make the full trip. I wish I could be like Peck —who had flown back to Florida a week ago— he was back to living his everyday life. Right now, everyday life sounds very far away from me.

  I wish this truck was a Hennessy Venom GT right ‘bout now. 270 mph would get me back to my pain killer faster than almost ten hours in this dually. When I reached the Texas/Louisiana border, crossing over the Sabine River, I released a breath that feels like I’ve been holding forever. Five hours down and five to go. Can this truck go any faster? Definitely makes me wish I hadn't taken my usual route. I’ve never wanted to be in Whisper as much as I do in this moment. I literally can’t get there fast enough.

  I pull into Ari’s drive way just after dark. Looks like all the lights are off, but her truck is in the drive. Now I’m hoping she is home and not out with Liv—why did I not inform someone I was headed back? After ten hrs I need to see my wife more than I need my next breathe. I shut off my truck and open my door. I take a few deep breaths in and out. I grab the bouquet of fresh sunflowers I purchased at the grocery store and hop out. I run from my truck up the front porch steps. I ring the door bell before impatiently knocking. Please Lord, let her be home. I check my keys, coming up empty handed. What the hell did I do with my key? I wait a few more minutes, knock a few more times, and nothin’ I get nothin’. I decide to walk around back and try the back door— her room is closer to it so maybe she will hear me knocking if it’s locked—but as I round the side of the house, I see the kitchen light on. There she is in all her wifey goodness. Sexy as all get out standing at the sink. It’s like a present I didn’t know I was getting. I watch her for a few minutes. God, is she beautiful. That woman of mine always has her hair in some crazy braid, I swear. I love it. I love her long brown hair, but I love when I can see that gorgeous long neck of hers. She looks a little sad, and I selfishly hope it’s because she is missing me. I reach up to knock, and she must see the movement because she lets out a bloodcurdling scream. Oh shit, I frightened the hell out of her. She recovers quickly when she realizes it’s me. I mouth my apologies and signal for her to meet me at the front door.

  When I round the side of the house, she is already on the front porch.

  “What are you doing here? I thought you were in Florida?” I can’t tell if she is upset that I’m not or relieved to see it’s me.My movements are faster now, needing to have her in my arms. I pick her up and squeeze her tight before answering her questions.

  “I tried to go, but the further I got, the worse the pain. I love you too much to be away from you. The pain of Momma’s death is crushing me, but it was killing me being without you. You are my pain killer. You’re my light in the endless darkness. I will do whatever I can, endure any pain, as long as you are by my side. I forgot how much I needed you. I guess I needed to run to realize that. I can’t breathe without you. You are my breath.” I hand her the flowers I bought for her and watch as she smells them. Do sunflowers smell? I guess it a natural instinct to smell flowers.

  “Thank you for the flowers. I’m so glad you are back. I was just trying to figure out how I was gonna be able to let go of everything and go find you. I thought I never wanted to move from this stupid town, until I met you and realized none of this matters if I don’t have you. Gentry Sloan, I love you more than the sunrise, more than the sunset, and more than photography or sunflowers. You are the peace in my view.”

  As soon as we are inside, she starts stripping off her clothes. Hell, yeah!

  “What are you doing, Wife?” I ask her, in my husky voice, I know drives her mad.

  “Welcoming my husband home, of course.” She tells me this and takes off running. God, she was the peace is my everything.

  Epilogue

  Ariana

  By summer, Gentry and I had sold the ranch and my house, moving eleven hours from the little town I had always considered home. We had been living in Santa Rosa, just over a month, in our new beach front home. It had an amazing view. I couldn’t wait for my parents to come visit, sure that they would love it and want to move here (not in with us, of course). They were now fourteen hours away. I couldn’t just get in my car and drive to see them for the day. Gentry had been doing great, thriving actually, since we had arrived here. He was in grief counseling, and both of us attended a support group for people who had lost loved ones to the disease. Neither of us had worked since moving here. I felt like we were on constant vacation. Last year at this time, if you had asked me where I’d be in a year, I would've never dreamed this would be it. To say our lives have changed was a gross understatement. I was loving this life and all it offered. I used to think I would never move from Whisper, Texas, for the simple fact that I had moved around my entire life. My dad being in the military, we didn’t have a lot of say in the matter. I didn’t want to continue doing it.

  Then I met Gentry, and my life flopped on its axis. “Excuse me, Ma’am,” Oh yeah, that voice sounded like peace to my ears. I removed the sunhat from my eyes and looked up to find my dreamy husband standing over me.

  “You gonna lay in the sun all day, or are we gonna go get that best friend of yours? Peck is blowing up my phone. He’s wanting to go with us to get Olive Oyl.” I couldn’t wait to see my friend. Liv was spending the summer with Gentry and me. The four of us were gonna make our mark in the sand. Gentry helped me to my feet, and I went inside to get ready. It was a fifty minute drive to the airport in Panama City where Liv was flying into. I selfishly hoped Peck would sweep her off her feet, and she would move down here, too. I was having a hard time hanging out with with these two beach bums all the time.

  After I was changed into something more presentable, I went in search of Gentry. I wasn't sure where he went. I walked out on the balcony to get one last look at my favorite view. I spotted him on the beach watching the waves. I know he is thinking about his momma. He always is an
ytime he is there watching the waves, hoping she is watching him and is proud of him. I give him a few minutes before joining him.

  “You ready, Freddy?” I asked him with a smile. “I heard your boy pull up when I was coming out here.” No sooner do I get the words out, and Peck is yelling from the patio,

  “Let’s go, Sand Lizards, Olive Oyl awaits.” That man has it so bad.

  Olivia

  The bell rings, and I’m free… Well, for the most part anyway. I can’t wait to have time off. Summer is always much needed at the end of the year, then I am always ready to head back in August. Well, except this past year. My aunt was diagnosed with cancer and help was needed around her house. Gentry came home and fell in love with my girl. Yeah, this past summer had been nuts. My best friend moved away last month. She married my cousin, and he took her away; I didn’t see that coming. I don’t mind sharing though because I want his best friend to be mine.

  Peck was how do I explain… . Exotic like, seriously. You know tanned, muscled, very athletic build. He wore those fancy jeans with fleur-de-lis on the pockets. My favorite jeans. Perfection: that’s what he looks like. Peck was always taking off his shirt for something. I remember this one time I was at the ranch visiting, I looked outside, and he was undressing in the summer sun like he had an audience. I guess he did, but he didn’t know I was watching. My phone ringing brings be back to reality. Yay, it’s Ari.