Thursday's Bride

by Patricia Johns

  “Levi?” She hadn’t heard him come back into the house.

  “You okay?” he said.

  That was the second time he’d asked her that today, and she was tempted to reply with something curt, but she was exhausted, as were her daughters.

  “Not really,” she replied, and she felt the tears of frustration rising inside of her.

  “Can I help?” he asked.

  “Take one!” she said helplessly, and Levi stared at her, wide-eyed, then down at the babies. He put out two hands as if he were catching a greased piglet and plucked the howling Susanna from Rosmanda’s arms.

  And suddenly, there was silence. Levi awkwardly adjusted the baby up onto his shoulder, and Susanna laid her head down on his shoulder, letting out a shaky sigh.

  Miriam came in wearing her nightgown with her graying hair hanging over one shoulder in a long braid. She looked between them, her eyebrows raised.

  “I came to see if I could help with the babies,” Miriam said. “But it looks like Levi got here first. My goodness . . . Susanna seems to have taken to him, hasn’t she?”

  “It seems so,” Rosmanda said, her throat thickening with emotion.

  “It normally takes the two of us a good twenty minutes at this point,” Miriam said. “Let me take her, Son—”

  Yes—that was better. Even if Levi seemed to have the right touch tonight, she’d rather rock her daughters with Miriam as she had every other night. Having Levi here was difficult enough without having him be the answer to her daughter’s cries. That was too much.

  Miriam put her hands out to take the baby, and Levi stood there, looking down at Susanna in his arms, but he didn’t hand the baby over and escape as Rosmanda expected him to do. Susanna dropped her tearstained face against his shirt just like she used to do with Wayne, and it gave Rosmanda’s heart a squeeze.

  Did Susanna think this was her daet, back at long last? There was something very like Wayne in Levi. Their voices were similar. They were both tall and broad. Was that the comfort for Susanna right now—the similarity between her uncle and her father?

  “No,” Levi said slowly. “I’ve got this.”

  Miriam retreated a few steps. “Are you sure?”

  Rosmanda sent her mother-in-law a pleading look, but Miriam didn’t seem to notice. Her gaze was on her son.

  “Yah.” Levi nodded. “Go to bed, Mamm. Get some rest. I can do this.”

  Miriam disappeared from the doorway and for a few beats Rosmanda and Levi stood there in welcome silence, the only sound that of the softly creaking floorboards as Rosmanda swung her weight from side to side as she tried to settle her baby. Her heart pounded in her chest. This wasn’t the plan—to have Levi here in her bedroom, or to have him be a help to her at all. But Miriam’s bedroom door shut with a decisive click, and Rosmanda felt a fresh wave of misgiving. So much was changing with Levi’s return already.

  “Your brother used to rock them before bed,” Rosmanda said hesitantly. “I think that’s what they want. . . .”

  “Then let’s take them down to the kitchen,” Levi said.

  For propriety. Of course. She wouldn’t exactly invite her brother-in-law into her bedroom, but she would accept his help. For one night only.

  She had no other choice.

  * * *

  Levi followed Rosmanda down the narrow staircase to the lantern-lit kitchen, the baby in his arms. He moved slowly, carefully, unsure if he should have just handed his niece over to his mamm, after all. What was he thinking? Except that something had softened inside of him when the baby’s cries had gone silent in his arms. He felt—useful. For the moment, the baby seemed to settle into his arms, leaning her plump cheek against his chest.

  My niece . . . The realization warmed his heart. He’d seen the babies a couple of times after they were born, but he’d never held them. He’d been doing his best to stay away from Wayne and Rosmanda. They’d been married and happy, and he’d had his own emotional survival to worry about.

  “Your brother used to rock them before bed,” Rosmanda repeated. “Every night.”

  She looked down at the infant in her arms as she rocked back and forth, her expression soft. Motherhood had changed Rosmanda. She wasn’t the same flirtatious woman he’d first been attracted to. She’d deepened, somehow, maybe even relaxed a little bit.

  “Which one do I have?” Levi asked.

  “You’re holding Susanna,” Rosmanda said.

  “Yah, right. Mamm said that, right? How do you know?” The babies were in identical white flannel nightgowns.

  “A mother always knows,” Rosmanda said, looking up skeptically. She eyed him for a moment, and when she seemed satisfied that he wasn’t joking with her, she added, “They have very different personalities, and right now, Susanna is just a little bit bigger.”

  The baby started to whimper again, and Levi tried to imitate the rocking motion that Rosmanda was using. It didn’t seem to be helping.

  “She’s cold,” Rosmanda said, and she went to the counter and picked up a folded baby blanket and shook it open before handing it to him. Levi shifted Susanna to one arm latching onto her plump little leg and accepting the blanket with the other. He stood there for a moment, confused.

  “Here—” Rosmanda tossed the blanket over the baby with one hand, and he adjusted his grip so that Susanna was covered. She’d made that look easy.

  “Thanks,” he said as the baby settled again, her whimpers subsiding.

  He didn’t know why he’d been so bold as to knock on her door tonight. If it weren’t for the babies’ cries echoing through the house, he would have left her alone and taken himself to bed a few minutes after his parents did the same. And he would have laid there in his bed, ever so aware of the woman in the bedroom across the hall.

  Levi was still attracted to her. He couldn’t help that. It was a physical reaction that he’d have to get under control, because while Rosmanda might have thought they’d just shared a few kisses when she first arrived in town, he’d opened up. He’d shown her his heart, his fears, his insecurities. He’d been more open and real with her than he’d been with any other human being in his lifetime besides his own mother. Rosmanda had taken a good look at him in all his exposed glory, and chosen his brother instead. Attraction meant nothing in the face of that rejection.

  “You wish my mamm were helping you right now,” Levi said. He hadn’t missed the pleading looks she’d cast in his mother’s direction.

  Rosmanda pressed her lips together into a thin line. “It’s women’s work.”

  “Wayne did it. Are you saying men aren’t involved in raising the kinner? That’s ridiculous.”

  “He was their daet. You aren’t.”

  “I’m not pretending to be anything I’m not,” he said irritably. “I’m their uncle, and I’m home now. And you’re a part of this household. That’s all this is.”

  And for all their mutual resentment, he did seem to be doing something right with the baby, because her eyes were drooping shut.

  “I’d prefer it if next time you let your mamm help me,” she said.

  “Then I will. But, we’re family, Rosmanda,” he said. “Maybe it would have been easier for us both if you’d fallen for some guy who wasn’t my brother, but that’s in the past. And you’re now my sister-in-law. We’re bound together for the rest of our lives. Like it or not.”

  He absently patted Susanna’s diaper, and when he looked down at her, he found the baby sleeping. Did he dare move, would that wake her up?

  “If no one ever knew of our history, it would be better,” she said softly.

  “You didn’t do anything wrong,” he countered. “What we felt for each other was honest. And we didn’t cross any lines.”

  Technically, at least.

  Rosmanda’s cheeks flushed, and she shot him an annoyed look. “I have a reputation to think of, Levi. And if you want me to stop being a burden on your parents, I’ll need another husband. So bear that in mind. I won’t be here foreve
r, if I can remarry.”

  “A husband . . .” He tried to keep the bite from his voice.

  “A good man, responsible, respectable. Someone who will be kind to my girls and . . . kind to me.”

  “You know the community will suggest me, right?” he said. She froze, and he shot her a teasing smile. “I didn’t say I was suggesting it.”

  “I’ll need a husband,” she said firmly. “So don’t say anything that will jeopardize that.”

  In other words, pretty much anyone would do, as long as they weren’t him. Levi nodded slowly, looking away from her. He’d known all along that he wasn’t enough for her, but it stung to hear that she could put in an order for a husband as short and sweet as the list she’d just made, and he still wouldn’t make the cut in her eyes.

  “I have to be careful,” Rosmanda went on. “You know how it is, Levi. If I were to appear cheap in any way—”

  “You aren’t cheap, Rosmanda. I can’t imagine any man would think so.”

  In fact, Rosmanda was a hard woman to impress. She was beautiful, smart, sweet, and in the long run, she didn’t fall for honeyed words and a cheeky grin. She had expectations that left common Amish men like Levi in the dust.

  “It’s easier than you think to give people the wrong idea,” she countered. “And that’s a lesson I’ll be teaching my daughters as soon as they’re old enough to understand.”

  “All right.” He wasn’t sure how to answer that. The raising of her daughters wasn’t his business—not directly at least. “So . . . are you asking me to look around for a husband for you?” He could hear the choked sound in his own voice. Because if that’s what she wanted . . .

  “No—” Rosmanda stepped back into his line of sight, forcing him to look at her. “I’m not ready to remarry again just yet. I don’t want to remarry again. But we both know the situation I’m in right now, don’t we? Your parents can’t afford to keep me forever. It comes down to money, Levi!”

  “Money. We’re Amish, and we don’t prioritize such things,” he snapped.

  “My father’s a bishop. I know that better than anyone, but we do recognize the need for it,” she countered. “I need a job, Levi. I’ll take care of finding a husband on my own when I’m absolutely forced to. But a job—if I could find a way to make some income . . .”

  “So you want me to help you find a job,” he said uncertainly.

  “Please. As my brother-in-law, and for your parents’ sakes. They’d never ask it of me, but you know it wouldn’t be refused.”

  Levi’s mind spun. He wasn’t good with emotions, but if all Rosmanda wanted was help finding some source of income, that shouldn’t be too difficult. Amish women were involved in roadside stands, crafts, quilting . . . An idea snapped into his mind, and he turned his drilling gaze toward Rosmanda.

  “What?” she said.

  “What about my aunt Ketura? She’s been making quilts and selling them in town. Maybe she’d let you work with her. It seems flexible—just sewing.”

  A slow smile spread over Rosmanda’s face, brightening her appearance. She met his gaze and nodded. “It’s perfect. Do you think she’d be willing?”

  “I could ask.” Aunt Ketura had always had a soft spot for Levi. She’d liked his quick jokes—one of the few people who didn’t look at him disapprovingly for his sense of humor.

  “It would put off me being forced into some marriage,” Rosmanda said, licking her lips. “I’m not ready, Levi. I know I’ll need to, but the thought of . . .” She swallowed. “It might give me some time to adjust to the idea, is all. And I could contribute a little money to the family.”

  Levi could sympathize with that. To go from one husband’s house to another—that wouldn’t be easy. She’d need to make her choice carefully from the men who courted her. If history was any teacher, then Rosmanda would choose a solemn farmer with a strong reputation around the community. There were worse lives to live.

  “I’ll talk with my aunt,” he conceded.

  “Thank you.” Both babies were asleep now, and Rosmanda looked toward the stairs. “Would you mind helping me bring the babies up to their cribs?”

  Levi glanced back toward the lantern. He’d have to come back for it.

  “Yah,” he agreed. “Let’s get them to bed.”

  Rosmanda went up the stairs first, and Levi followed. He knew the feel of the stairs by heart, having gone up and down them in the dark countless times during his years growing up here. He even knew which boards creaked, and which didn’t. He followed Rosmanda’s swaying skirt, and when they got to the top of the stairs, he followed her into her bedroom.

  He paused at the door, smelling the soft scent of her soap that lingered in this room. He tiptoed around her bed as she lay Hannah in the crib farthest away, bending over her child for a moment as she did so. He moved to the nearest crib and lay the slumbering baby inside. Susanna moaned, and reached out one chubby arm toward him. Rosmanda’s hand brushed past his arm, and she tugged the blanket up over Susanna’s shoulder, keeping her fingers against the baby’s cheek until she settled once more. Then Rosmanda slowly straightened.

  They stood in the darkness; the only light was the faintest glow from the doorway from the lamp downstairs. She was so close, so warm and fragrant. There was something about a woman in the dark—it was all too easy to forget about the consequences come daylight. A burst of memories came flooding back—the feel of her in his arms, the scent of her hair, the way her lips parted ever so slightly before his covered hers....

  But that was a long time ago, and he wasn’t about to cross any lines. Whatever attraction still simmered inside of him, it would have to stay covered.

  Rosmanda put a hand on his bicep, and he froze. Was she thinking of the same thing?

  “Out,” she whispered.

  “Sorry.” Of course she wasn’t. She hadn’t even wanted his help with her babies. He eased out of the room and stood in the hallway as she darkened the doorway.

  “Good night, Levi.” And the door shut with a soft click before he could reply. It was probably better that way. He was foolish to even let himself remember anything between them. He headed for the stairs and made his way down to the lamp-lit kitchen.

  He’d sit in this chair and get his brain back into line. Rosmanda needed a job, not a distraction from her life in the form of her dead husband’s brother. And eventually, she needed an actual husband—he’d have to make his peace with that, too.

  Levi sank into the kitchen chair and stared morosely into the lantern. He was home again, with all of the conflicted emotions that came with that. If only he could sweep Rosmanda from his heart for good, all of this would be so much simpler.

  Chapter Three

  Rosmanda leaned against the closed bedroom door and squeezed her eyes shut. What was with her? She’d been widowed only a matter of months, and she found her body responding in the same way she always had when it came to Levi Lapp. Guilt wormed its way up inside of her. Was she this lonely for a man’s touch? Or was she just as immoral as all of Morinville believed she was? Because while she’d told him to leave, staring at him in the darkness, his broad shoulders blocking the only way past her bed, her breath had caught in her throat, and she’d been ever so tempted to just wait a moment and see what he did....

  But her good sense overrode that wicked surge inside of her, and she had done the right thing. That had to count for something, didn’t it?

  Except this tendency of hers to follow those feelings was going to get her into trouble. How often had her sister and mother tried to warn her with common sense? And back then she’d been a mere girl. Now, as a grown woman with daughters of her own, she shouldn’t need someone to step in and set her straight. She should be able to see the danger for herself.

  And she did! Levi might not be engaged like Jonathan Yoder had been, but he was still rebellious and direct, and her reaction to him was exactly the same. Anything that was similar to the scandal that irreparably tarnished her reputation back hom
e needed to be avoided. She didn’t have the luxury of recovering from that kind of stigma twice.

  Feelings came with consequences. Wasn’t that the lecture she had stored up for her own daughters? A feeling could sweep a woman right off her feet, but the next day, the next month, there might be a price to pay, and humiliation to endure.

  Lord, keep me from temptation . . . she prayed in her heart. And it was an earnest prayer. She’d sensed the danger in Levi years ago, and it hadn’t changed. Men who could make her feel like that—they needed to be avoided at all costs.

  * * *

  The next morning, Rosmanda woke at four as she always did, but this morning, she didn’t need to get up and help in the barn like she had been doing the last few months. Levi would do that; she could stay home with her sleeping babies and start breakfast.

  It was almost a guilty luxury at this point. At least when she’d been helping in the barn she’d felt like she was earning her keep. Her mother-in-law didn’t actually need her help in the kitchen, although it wouldn’t be refused. But if Rosmanda could find a way to bring in a little money, then having her here with the babies wouldn’t be such a hardship—she’d be contributing.

  “Good morning, dear,” Miriam said as Rosmanda came down the stairs, straightening her prayer kapp.

  Miriam was at the stove, starting a fire in its dark depths by the light of a lantern. She leaned forward and blew, a little flicker of light growing ever stronger in the belly of the stove.

  “Good morning,” Rosmanda said with a smile. “I’m sorry about the girls last night.”

  “Well, babies cry, dear,” Miriam replied, putting another log into the stove and then pushing the heavy door shut. She opened the damper with a scrape. “I see that Levi was of help.”

  What Miriam thought about her time alone with Levi, Rosmanda had no idea, but she felt her cheeks heat anyway.

  “They miss their father,” she said, hoping against hope that her mother-in-law would understand. “I think that’s what it was—they felt something familiar in Levi. Even I’m not enough for them lately, and I hate that. I’m their mamm. I’m supposed to be enough!”