“No.” He cocked his head to one side, and his eyes narrowed. “I didn’t come all the way out here for a five-minute conversation, and to be sent home. I came a long way for you. I deserve a proper conversation at least.”
She shook her head. “And what kind of future do you envision, Jonathan? Because you’re a married man with kinner. Are you actually planning on leaving them?”
“We could go to another community,” he said with a wistful smile. “We’ll change our names. We’ll call ourselves Nathaniel and Patience Lantz. We’ll start over. No one will know we aren’t already married.”
“No! God would! And I certainly would.” This time, she couldn’t keep her voice down and the words rang out through the room.
“Shh . . .” Jonathan hissed and he crossed the room, catching her by the arm. “Rosie, I don’t even know what I’m saying. I know that’s not really possible. I do. It’s just . . . I can’t go on pretending that everything is fine, either. I can’t pretend I don’t love you. I adore you. I have for years. I should have married you when I had the chance—”
He went on in that manner, but Rosmanda had tuned him out. She stood there, her arm in his grip. What was he asking of her—to be his mistress? To run away with him? Or was he just taking a little vacation from family life to indulge some emotional excess?
“What about the love we used to share?” Jonathan asked, shaking his head. “We didn’t care what the community wanted. We didn’t care if we went against all their expectations. . . You loved me then, and you won me!”
“No, I didn’t,” she said, her voice shaking. “You married Mary.”
“What about our happiness, Rosmanda?” he pleaded. He dropped her arm, though, and she rubbed the spot where his fingers had dug into her flesh.
“What about it?” she asked numbly.
“We do the right thing at all cost, and for what? To please the community? To please the church? What about us? What about what makes us happy? A lifetime is a long time, Rosie. I’m realizing that. I know who I love, and I know who I want to be with. I don’t have the answers, but I know what I feel.”
“Jonathan, stop that nonsense,” she said quietly, trying to keep her voice controlled.
“Do you think God wants us to deny our love? For people? For the opinions of others? Are we supposed to obey men or God?”
Jonathan was twisting Scripture now, and Rosmanda crossed her arms protectively over her middle. There was a time when she’d swooned for words like those, feeling some sort of rebellious freedom, but not anymore. Not only had she gotten over those naïve feelings for Jonathan, but she’d seen the error of her ways. Jonathan hadn’t had to pay like she had . . . if she hadn’t left town and gone as far away as possible, she’d still be unmarried and childless. And he’d still have his wife and five children.
“There is no love,” she said. “I don’t know what you’re feeling, but I don’t love you anymore. And I’m not that woman who was willing to break up another couple anymore, either. I have done things that I truly regret now, but I got my new start here in Abundance, and what you’re suggesting is repugnant and wrong. You think God is in this? You’re fooling yourself.”
Jonathan fell silent. What was he hoping to do? The longer he stayed here, the more questions would be asked. And when people started asking questions of the right people, stories emerged. Her life here could be over just as quickly as hers had ended in Morinville.
“You need to leave,” she said quietly. “Please.”
She had run out of ammunition, and she’d resorted to pleading.
God, help me . . .
This was desperation.
Chapter Nine
Levi stood at the doorway to the sitting room, watching Rosmanda and Jonathan. They stood by the window, only a few inches between them. Rosmanda’s spine was rigid and she had her arms crossed over the front of her. Jonathan leaned in, his words too quiet for Levi to hear.
He’d fully intended to give Rosmanda her privacy, but after his daet had gone out to the outhouse, Rosmanda had shouted out a “No” that made his hair stand on end. So now he stood here at the door, watching them.
Rosmanda didn’t seem to be in any danger—except that closeness between them gave him pause. She didn’t back away. She didn’t sit across the room from him as would be proper. She stood there in the center of the room, arms crossed and barely inches away from this man.
Jonathan’s gaze flickered up, and he froze for a moment when he saw Levi standing there. Rosmanda turned then, too, and she stared at him with those wide, dark eyes, and her cheeks ashen.
Was that fear? But of what? Something was wrong.
“Everything okay?” Levi asked, his voice low.
“Yah. Thank you,” Jonathan said, a smile coming to his lips. “I was hoping for a cup of tea, actually—”
“Rosie?” Levi said, meeting her gaze. “Are you okay?”
“No,” she whispered. “I’m not.”
Levi’s hands closed into involuntary fists, and his gaze moved between them. What was happening here? Had there been some bad news about her daet, after all? He’d told Jonathan that she’d need some warning—some tea, even. A seat . . .
“Is your daet okay?” he asked.
“My daet?” She looked confused, then shook her head. “I think so. Yah.”
So it wasn’t that.
“Jonathan, you can feel free to serve yourself a mug of tea out in the kitchen,” Levi said. “Mamm will be down soon to get you some pie, I’m sure. I just need to talk to my sister-in-law for a minute.”
Jonathan looked pleadingly at Rosmanda, but she looked resolutely at a point to her left. Whatever they’d been talking about in hushed tones, it had left Rosmanda visibly shaken.
“I hope I didn’t upset her—” Jonathan said with a wince, sharing a friendly look with Levi. As if they were buddies, on the same team. Levi wasn’t so sure that they were, though.
“I’ll just be a minute,” Levi said.
Jonathan headed out of the room, and Rosmanda slowly lifted her gaze to meet his.
“What happened?” Levi asked, crossing those last few feet between them. “You look like you’ve seen a wolf.”
“You have to get him out of here.” Rosmanda’s voice trembled. “Please, Levi. Get him out!”
“Why?” Levi shook his head. “I thought he was a friend from your town—”
“He is.” She shook her head. “He was . . . I don’t know how to explain this quickly, but Levi, you have to trust me on this. He can’t stay here tonight. You have to get him out!”
“I can’t just throw him out,” Levi said with a short laugh.
“Why not?” She shook her head.
“What reason do I have?” He caught Rosmanda’s hand, and she squeezed his fingers back.
“You have me asking you—begging you—to get him out of here and not let him back. I’ll explain later. I promise. But right now—”
Levi heard the front door open and Daet came back inside from the outhouse. They both looked toward the door, and Rosmanda squeezed his hand again.
“Please, Levi. Trust me on this. That man can’t stay under this roof without my reputation being forever damaged.”
The low murmur of male voices came from the kitchen, and Levi met her gaze. She was scared, that much was certain.
“Who is he?” Levi whispered.
“Jonathan Yoder.” Her lips turned down in distaste, but she didn’t explain further. Levi looked toward the kitchen, his mind spinning. He could go in there and demand explanations from the man, or he could do as Rosmanda was pleading with him to do, and he could bring Jonathan back to town. “He wrote me a letter saying he wants to leave his wife for me. And now he’s here—”
Her words hit him like a punch to the gut. “He wants—” Levi blinked. “What?”
“It’s true.” Her lips quivered. “Levi, get him out! Please!”
Yah—there was no way around that, but he couldn’t ju
st go out there and throw a man from his father’s house, either. He’d find a way.
“Leave it to me,” Levi said, and he turned and strode back into the kitchen, leaving Rosmanda in the sitting room alone. Miriam was back downstairs, and she handed Jonathan a plate of pie that he accepted with an easy smile.
Jonathan sat at the table, the dirty plates piled on one end still. A mug of steaming tea sat in front of him and he picked up a fork to take a bite. He looked comfortably settled in for the evening.
“Where is Rosmanda?” Miriam asked. “The babies are in bed now. They went down without a fuss tonight.”
“Jonathan, let’s talk,” Levi said with a chilly smile. “Shall we?”
Jonathan froze. “Uh—”
“What’s this?” Stephen asked as he sat back down at his place at the table. Miriam brought him a plate of pie, too, and he accepted it, his gaze locked warily on Levi.
“Just . . . something between us,” Levi replied. “You and me, Jonathan. Let’s walk a little bit.”
Jonathan rose to his feet, hesitating slightly when he saw the look on Levi’s face.
“Levi,” Stephen said, irritated. “What’s going on?”
“Nothing I can’t straighten out,” Levi replied. “Jonathan—now.”
Jonathan laughed uncomfortably. “Whatever it is, I’m sure we’ll sort it out.”
Levi waited for him at the door, and when he passed into the mudroom, Levi picked up his suitcase and marched outside in the evening chill. Jonathan followed him, eyeing his suitcase.
“Walk,” Levi said brusquely, and he headed toward the stable.
“If you’re planning on fighting me—” Jonathan started.
“I’m not fighting you,” Levi said, turning back. “It wouldn’t be a fight, my friend. Trust me on that. I’m used to bar brawls—the dirty kind. So I don’t suggest you try anything, either. I’m taking you back to town.”
“Now?” Jonathan looked up at the darkening sky. “It’s late.”
“It is,” Levi agreed. “And you’re leaving.”
“I don’t know what Rosmanda said to you,” Jonathan said with a short laugh. “But there must have been some confusion.”
“She said you want to leave your wife for her,” Levi said, looking back at the other man with one raised eyebrow.
Jonathan rubbed a hand over his beard, then laughed, a beat too late. “She mustn’t have understood me. I’m not leaving my wife.”
Levi eyed the other man for a moment. Maybe he was telling the truth. Maybe he had no intention of leaving his wife, but he most certainly wanted something from Rosmanda. She wasn’t the hysterical type. If anything, she was level-headed to a fault.
“Don’t call her a liar,” Levi said curtly, but even as the words came out of his mouth, he wondered what else there was to this story. A man didn’t arrive in a strange town asking a woman to run away with him without any encouragement at all . . . did he? How much had Rosmanda held back?
He’d seen her frightened, and he wanted to protect her. But as the chilly spring air did its work on his brain, freeing up his thoughts and slowing him into a regular rhythm once more, he couldn’t help but see the holes in his understanding of what happened tonight.
This young man came looking for her, and Levi had trustingly brought him home. But there was more to this than Levi was going to understand fully before he was through tonight.
“Help me hitch up,” Levi said. “If you stay tonight, I’ll be fetching the bishop to deal with you directly. So I suggest you come with me and I’ll drop you off at the bus station.”
Jonathan didn’t say anything else, but he did lend a hand in hitching up the horses. He tossed his suitcase into the back of the buggy, and when all was secure, both men got inside.
“I haven’t done anything wrong,” Jonathan said.
Levi flicked the reins and they lurched forward. He heard the side door open, but he didn’t even look over to see his confused parents stare at them leaving. They’d want an explanation, and he didn’t have all the information yet. He was doing this for Rosmanda—that was it.
They rode in silence for several minutes as they left the farm property and headed out onto the open road.
“You’ve judged me,” Jonathan said, breaking the silence.
“Yah,” Levi agreed. “I have.”
“Rosmanda and I used to mean a great deal to each other, you know,” Jonathan said.
There was a lot that Levi didn’t know about Rosmanda’s past. She didn’t like to speak about it. He’d assumed it was the humiliation of being passed over in the marriage market, but of course, there might have been some “near marriages.”
“That happens,” Levi said gruffly.
“I’m not some lecherous animal trying to ruin a good woman,” Jonathan said with a sigh. “I’m not. I know you don’t believe that right now, but you could be in my shoes just as easily. Do you know what it’s like to marry the wrong woman?”
“Obviously not,” Levi said.
“Yah, you’re still single. But you could do it. You could find a good girl from a nice family and start taking her home from singing. And there might be no good reason to stop. Maybe your fathers do business together, and everyone is so happy that you’re courting this girl. And you think everything is fine until this other girl starts making eyes at you. She tells you that if only she were older, she’d like to go around with a man like you. She asks you to kiss her, just once, so she can see what it’s like. . . .”
Rosmanda? This didn’t sound like her at all. She’d gone after a man who was already courting another girl?
“You’re saying Rosmanda did this?” he asked.
“And more. She woke me right up. If I had a choice between the prim and proper Mary or Rosmanda, I wanted Rosmanda.”
“Then you could have broken it off with the first one,” Levi said.
“Yah. And I did. We were about to announce the engagement in service, and I told Mary I couldn’t go through with it. The problem was, I’m a man with a man’s appetite. And before Rosmanda cast a glance at me, I thought I was going to marry Mary, and just once, Mary and I went too far. Once. It wasn’t a beautiful event. It didn’t leave me feeling bonded to this woman. It left me feeling rather empty and guilty for my mistake. I thought that was because it was outside of wedlock, and that once we were married it would be satisfying.”
“And she got pregnant?” Levi concluded.
“Yah. She got pregnant. So that wedding was going through, or I was going to be shunned.”
“Look, I can sympathize with missing out on the girl you love,” Levi said. “I really can. But you make the best of it. You had a wife. A child.”
“They tell you that if you find a good mother with good daughters, any girl you choose will do,” Jonathan replied. “They tell you that when you settle down with a wife who loves you, that it all comes together. That you find peace, contentment, happiness. It wasn’t like that for us.”
Levi didn’t answer. He didn’t know what to say. There was a woman somewhere in Morinville waiting for her husband to come home. Blissfully married or not, that woman would be beside herself with worry. And Jonathan had come out here after the woman who had almost succeeded in breaking up his engagement?
Rosmanda . . . It was so hard to imagine her in that position. Had she really been that callous and coy? Or was this man lying? He hoped that Jonathan was a very competent liar, because if he wasn’t, then Rosmanda was.
“It isn’t just the arguing,” Jonathan went on. “A man can learn to avoid that by just shutting his mouth. And it isn’t like Mary goes out of her way to pick fights with me. It’s the loneliness. We sit at the same table, and there is no connection between us. Not like I had with Rosmanda. It never came. We live our life, we raise our children, we do our work. But I’ve spent the last nine years feeling utterly alone.”
“Does your wife know where you are?” Levi asked.
“No.”
“Do you care how she feels right now?”
Jonathan sighed. “Of course. I don’t want to hurt her. I don’t want to hurt our children. I want to love her like I should, but I can’t. I’ve spent nine years trying and failing.”
“So why are you here?” Levi asked.
“I don’t know . . .” Jonathan shook his head. “I shouldn’t be. I know that. But I can’t just go back, either. I can’t do it . . .”
“Maybe the elders can help you reconcile with your wife.”
“If only it were that easy. Mary will take me back. It isn’t about that. She’s a good Amish woman. She married me for life, and we have five children together. And I’m not a monster. I love my children. It’s . . . I don’t know. I hadn’t realized how deeply unhappy I was until I got on that bus.”
There was the right thing to do, and then there was living with it. Levi understood that experience rather well. His brother had married the woman he loved, and Levi had been forced to accept it. What else could he do? But that didn’t make it easy, and it didn’t get any easier over time. When Levi had fallen in love with Rosmanda, it had been more permanent than he’d imagined. If he could have stopped loving her, he would have. It was why he’d turned to drinking, and why he hadn’t courted another girl. He could definitely understand how loving another woman could hold a man back, but this man beside him was a married father.
“Just because you love a woman doesn’t mean she’s good for you,” Levi said. “Chasing her will ruin your life. You’ll lose everything—your wife’s love, your children’s respect, your community’s good opinion of you—”
And Rosmanda wasn’t good for Levi, either. Levi would do well to find a nice girl and settle down, except that he was afraid that settling down with another woman wouldn’t fix his problem. Much like Jonathan. But even so, Levi wouldn’t become like Jonathan. He wouldn’t be unfaithful.
“I know,” Jonathan said softly.
“Why did you come?” Levi asked. “It’s been nine years. Why now?”
“Didn’t you know?” Jonathan raised an eyebrow. “She and I have been writing to each other for months.”
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