by Sara Wolf
I flinch. “I didn’t. I promise!”
“Sure, sure,” Charlotte laughs. “Whatever you say. “ She pauses, then flings her arms around me and hugs me tight around the neck. “Oh my god, congratulations, Al! I’m so happy for you! It’s about damn time! You’re beautiful and perfect and I hope you guys are super happy.”
“Charlotte, stop,” I frown. “Nothing happened.”
“Something happened,” She insisted.
“Okay, something happened, but not what you think.”
“Ugh, alright, fine! Don’t tell me if you really want. But I’m still happy for you. Seriously. Theo’s the luckiest guy in the world.”
I don’t correct her. The delusion is safer than the honest truth. Charlotte gets up and stretches.
“Well, are you still gonna ask Ranik to the fair, then?”
“I already did.”
“Ahh, guess it can’t be helped. So when are you gonna tell everybody you’re dating Theo?”
“I’m not –”
“Oh, wait, don’t tell me. Let it be a surprise.” She laughs. There’s a knock on the door, and Charlotte jumps up.
“That’s gotta be Nate,” She winks. “We’re having dinner at Little Romeo’s, if you wanna come.”
She opens the door, all smiles, and there stands my mother. Her blonde hair is pulled back in a strict bun, her face drawn tight over itself with age and a bare few wrinkles. She’d be beautiful, if she didn’t look so severe. Her spotless blue suitdress is in perfect order. Her blue eyes find me instantly.
“Alice,” Mom says. “There you are. May I speak with you?”
I bolt up instantly, stammering. “Y-Yes.”
She leads me out, Charlotte wide-eyed behind me. I close the door, and Mom rounds on me instantly.
“How are you?” She asks.
“I’m fine -”
“Your room looked rather disheveled.”
“It’s mid-terms,” I say. “I-I haven’t had the chance to clean –”
“You must be studying extremely hard if you can find no time to pick up after yourself.”
“It’s been a very hard term –”
“Should I schedule a tutor for you over Christmas break to catch up?”
“N-No,” I say. “mom, I’m alright. What brings you here?”
She sniffs. “I was in the area for a conference, and I thought I’d visit my daughter. Is that so strange?”
“No, of course not. I’m glad to see you.”
“Are you really? You haven’t even tried to hug me.”
“Oh.” I’m quiet. I tentatively open my arms and move towards her, but Mom pushes away.
“No, I don’t want a hug given reluctantly. Let’s walk.”
She turns and walks down the hall, her heels clicking on the tile. A girl scurries to move out of her way, looking terrified. Mom has that effect on people. I follow, smiling apologetically at the girl as I pass.
“Mom, there’s a café not too far away if you want. It’s very good.”
“No. I’m not in the mood for college food.”
Mom’s walking so fast, I have to stride to keep up. We get out onto the grass of the quad, and only when she starts walking towards the Farris building do I realize she’s taking me to Mathers’ office. My palms begin to sweat.
“Mom, why are we –”
“Come now, Alice. Keep up.”
I swallow and open the door for her. Mom walks briskly though, and leads me up the stairs and to Mathers’ office. With every step, the cold knot of dread in my stomach gets harder and heavier. My throat goes bone dry as Mom knocks on the door with the polished bronze plaque that reads; A. Mathers, Professor of History.
“Come in,” Mathers’ voice rings. Mom opens the door and walks in. Mathers’ sits behind his desk, a stack of papers obscuring most of his face. He pushes them out of the way, sitting as straight as his pot-bellied posture allows. His beady eyes focus on me.
“Alice! And Mrs. Wells. How delightful of you to visit me.”
I flinch. Mom just beams a bright smile at him.
“Thank you for having me on such a short notice,” She says. “Alice, sit down.”
I shoot a look between her and Mathers. Mathers’ smile is so oily that I almost recoil, but I sit at the chair across from him as Mom settles in the chair next to me.
This will not end well.
Mom clears her throat first.
“Alice, Mathers contacted me about a week ago.”
“I’ve been attending his class every day this week,” I defend.
“It’s not about your attendance,” Mathers corrects.
Mom turns to me. “Mathers seems to believe you’ve been spreading rumors about him.”
My eyes flash to my professor. He looks smug as all hell. I narrow my eyes.
“I haven’t been.”
“He says these rumors are about sexual harassment,” Mom continues briskly. I go stiff. Every memory of that horrible incident surfaces at once, and I’m paralyzed by it. He told Mom? Surely she’ll believe me, now. Mom frowns.
“Do you have any idea how these kinds of rumors can affect a professor’s career, Alice?”
I freeze. Mathers’ smile grows fake-patient, fake-saintly, as he leans across the desk and pats my Mom’s hand.
“Now now, Mrs. Wells. I don’t want you to be too hard on her. It was my fault too, after all. I was so ecstatic about her brilliance and dedication. It’s easy to take that sort of excitement as a come-on, especially by a girl so inexperienced as Alice.”
Hundreds of knives feel like they’re plunging into my heart at once.
“Mom,” I find my voice. “You can’t actually believe him - ”
“Do you think he tried to sexually harass you or not?” Mom cuts me off.
I steel my fist in my lap. “Yes. He tried to – he touched me, Mom –”
“And I apologize,” Mathers smile pityingly. “For giving you an encouraging hug.”
“A hug?” My voice goes quiet. “Is that what you call it?”
“Enough, Alice,” Mom snaps. She leans in and whispers to me so Mathers can’t hear. “How could you jeopardize your college education like this?”
I feel sick. I want to throw up right there on the matted red carpet. Mom is on his side. He’s persuaded her with his professorial connection with her. He’s gotten to her before I can tell her the truth. And she believes it, swallows it all, because she’s so ready to find an excuse to blame me – blame me for not choosing her alma mater, blame me for not doing well enough for her, blame me for Dad being gone. She wants control in my life, total control like she had in high school and Mathers’ call is the perfect excuse to get it back.
“You’re going to believe a man you’ve never met over your own daughter?” I say, loud and clear and slowly. Mom leans back, the look in her eye as though I’d threatened her with a knife.
I can feel a dark sadness welling up in me.
“All these years, I thought that trying my best would make you love me,” I start, and laugh. “I thought…I thought I could make you proud, if I tried hard enough. But after all this time, all my trying, you still don’t love me? You still don’t even…trust me?”
I wipe my eyes. “How could you? After all your rules I’ve obeyed? I’ve done everything you wanted, everything you asked. I’ve skipped every party, every sleepover. I’ve never drank alcohol, I’ve never done a single drug in my life, and yet you treat me like I’ve done them all. You treat me like my peers, but I’m not like them! I tried so hard to be…to be better than them! To make you proud!”
Mom is absolutely silent, but Mathers unwisely isn’t.
“Alice, your mother is only trying to help you –”
“Quiet.” I stand tall, my voice imperious. “Shut your mouth, you disgusting little worm.”
Mathers recoils. Mom stands with me, her glare practically Arctic-cold.
“You show some respect right now, young lady.”
�
�To him? Or to you? Which is more important, mother-dearest?” I ask coolly.
Mom bristles, her eyes like two shards of ice. “How dare you. After everything I’ve done for you, after everything I’ve sacrificed for you –” She sputters, pulling herself up to her full intimidating height. “I’ve done so much, and yet you’ve turned into a liar, and a bald-faced manipulator! None of this would’ve happened if you listened to me and agreed to go to Princeton –”
I laugh, louder and longer and more bitterly than I ever have. I throw my head back and let the laughter come from deep within my stomach. Mathers and Mom look at me like I’ve lost my mind. I turn to leave just as someone knocks. I freeze. Mathers doesn’t even say enter, but the person barges in anyway.
Dark curls, gold-green eyes, and a lean, looming figure. Black leather jacket. Black jeans.
Ranik.
He looks at all of us and grins jovially. “Hey there! Did I interrupt something?”
His eyes catch on me, on my tear-stained face. My laughter-induced grin fades, dissolving like sugar in water as his eyes pierce me, read me, understand me.
Mathers stands and points at his door, face instantly turning red.
“Get out.”
“Whoa whoa whoa,” Ranik throws up his hands. “I just got here. Alice, you wanna introduce me to the pretty old lady over here? Mr. Maggot, no introductions are necessary.”
Mathers snarls. Mom flinches visibly at the word ‘old’, and her face twists into a rigor of offense.
“Ranik, this is Mrs. Alexandra Wells. My mother.” I say. Ranik smiles at her.
“You did good with Alice, Mrs. A. She got all your good looks and all your brains.”
“Who exactly are you?” Mom asks. Ranik walks up to Mathers’ desk and drops his phone onto it.
“I’m just a guy dropping off a package,” he shrugs, and winks at me from under his bangs. “You guys might wanna watch the first clip on the camera roll.”
Mathers scoffs. “What kind of idiocy is this? Get out of my office right this minute.”
Mom knits her eyebrows. “What’s the clip of?”
“Dunno,” Ranik shrugs. “Guess you’ll have to watch it.”
I shoot Ranik a look. For having just met my Mom, he’s playing her weaknesses surprisingly well. If there’s one thing Mom can’t resist, it’s her own curiosity. She picks it up and opens it, flipping to the first clip. She presses play. As she watches, Ranik backs away, leaning in front of me. His hand opens and closes behind his back, in a ‘give me your hand gesture’. He smirks at me over his shoulder, waiting. I slide my shaking hand into his, and he gives it a strong, reassuring squeeze.
“It’s really nothing special, sir.”
“Don’t be silly. I’ve seen hundreds of kids come and go through my class every semester, and none of them have the dedication and talent you do, Alice. You’re a truly remarkable girl.”
The voices on the video are instantly recognizable – that’s me. That’s Mathers’ and I. I look over Ranik’s arm and see the tiny screen – it’s a movie taken through the doors of the lecture hall, focused on Mathers and I.
“T-Thank you, sir.”
“And always so polite,” he continues.
His arm drops from my shoulders and slides down my spine, resting right on the skirt over my butt.
Mom covers her mouth with her hand. Her fingers are shaking. Mathers’ face is slowly growing more and more horrified as he hears the audio from the clip. The clip ends abruptly, just before Ranik barged in. Relief and confusion flood through me all at once – relief that he recorded it, and confusion as to why he did. But I have no time to ask him before Mathers scrabbles for the phone over the desk.
“Give me that, give me that right now!”
Mom holds it up and away from him. Ranik laughs.
“Don’t worry about it, old man. I’ve got lots of copies I can give you later.”
My fingers tighten in his palm, and he feels it and turns, eyes concerned as he puts his hands on either side of my face.
“Hey, you okay?”
I want to nod, to say yes, but I shake my head instead and make a strangled noise. He clucks chastisingly and pulls me into his chest, strong arms wrapped around me completely.
“It’s okay now, Princess. Don’t gotta worry ‘bout nothin’.”
“Alice,” Mom says evenly. “Alice, look at me.”
I peer up at her. I’ve never seen her face this serious, and I know her well enough to recognize the frigid fury beneath her pale skin.
“I’m sorry. This is clear evidence that I was wrong.” She turns her gaze on Mathers. “And this is clear evidence you are the only lying manipulator in this room, Mathers.”
“Well then,” Ranik says cheerfully, taking his phone back from Mom. “Can we leave you two at it, then? Alice and I wanna get some fresh air.”
Mom nods without taking her blazing eyes from Mathers’ face.
“Yes, you two can go. I think I can handle this on my own. I’ll stop by your room later, Alice. We should go to that café you pointed out to me earlier.”
“I’m…I’m looking forward to it,” I say, a watery smile forming on my lips. Ranik leads me away, and I lean into him, the smell of pine and smoke nothing but comforting. When we’re a long way down the hall, I look up at him.
“You had a recording of it all along?”
“Princess, how else do you get people to dance to your tune?”
“You used me, waited to stop it until you had enough blackmail material –”
“I didn’t know you, back then. All I knew is a cutie was being hit on by the sleazeball I hated.” He sees my face and ruffles the top of my head. “Sorry, you.”
The relief that’s been building in my body releases all at once as a comforting wave of warmth. All the fear and betrayal is gone in an instant – turned on its head by my teacher. My friend.
By Ranik Mason.
***
Mom doesn’t stay long, but she stays longer than she’s ever had. A few days turns into a week, and the entire time she spends with me – going to cafes, libraries. I show her around the campus, and Ranik even takes us to dinner once or twice, and shows us around the city. Mom wrinkles her nose at his bars and music venues, but her curiosity makes her eager to explore these things she’s never experienced before. She asks Ranik questions about psychology, and they have heated debates. To my surprise, Ranik holds his ground fairly well against my PhD mother.
My PhD mother is nearly unrecognizable.
When she came out of Mathers’ office, something in her had changed. Mathers resigned four days after. Charlotte practically threw a party, joining Mom, Ranik and I with Nate at a sushi place. It was the first time I got to see Mom drunk – on sake. She even sang karaoke with me, at the urging of Ranik.
And for the first time, I was sad to see her go. I was sad to see her drive away in her rental car. She and I were never ones for sappy goodbyes, so it was a quick farewell, with metric tons of tension behind it. But she did give me a hug before she left. I was almost too shocked to return it, but at the last second I hugged her back, and she seemed to relax with it.
Mom, relax?
I almost start laughing now that I think back on it. It’d been a surreal week of happiness that all blurred together. Whatever happened in Mathers’ office changed Mom, and it changed our relationship. The things that happened in that room didn’t change me.
Ranik did.
These few months of experience and learning changed me from the inside out. And only in that office did I first begin to truly accept it.
The weekend of the fair sneaks up on me faster than I’d like to admit. Mid-terms sit between all of the students and a three-day weekend, and we’re practically salivating at the thought of it. Finally, finally, when the last essay question is answered and the last bubble filled in, the bell rings, and we all tumble out into chilly November freedom.
I stretch on the steps of the biology building,
my scarf holding in the hot clouds of air that puff from my mouth. It’s so cold, I start to rub my hands together to keep them warm. They get grabbed by a pair of larger hands, and rubbed rapidly. I look up to see Theo smiling down at me.
“Jesus, your fingers are like icicles!” He exclaims good-naturedly. I laugh.
“It happens, when you’re an Ice Queen like me.”
“Definitely a Queen,” Theo smirks. “But a queen of ice? No. A queen of knowledge fits you much better. Like Athena.”
“That would make me a goddess,” I correct. “I’m not that powerful.”
“I don’t know about that,” Theo insists. “I’ve heard from practically everybody on campus, really, that you got Mathers’ fired for being a perv single-handedly.”
“Well, it’s all true. Except for the part where it was done single-handedly.”
“Oh? You had help?”
“Ranik Mason,” I blurt. Theo raises his eyebrow.
“Huh. I guess I should’ve known. Anyway, good work. You ready for the fair, then?”
I nod. Theo scratches his head.
“So who’re you bringing?”
“Um. Well – Ranik, to be perfectly honest.”
Something in Theo’s face flickers, but he quashes it quickly. I realize how it all must sound, and remember Ranik and I’s promise to remain quiet about him to Theo. How could we have overlooked it? There’s a tense quiet, and I fill it with excuses.
“He helped me with Mathers’, so I thought I could pay him back with a night of fun. If…if that’s alright with you.”
Theo snaps out of it, shaking his head and grinning.
“Yeah, sure. He deserves that much. I’ll see you tonight then, yeah?”
I nod, and he walks away with a kind wave. Grace collides into his arm, and she glances back and sees me and waves, too. They look so complimentary, I can’t help but be impressed at how at ease they look with each together. I spot Charlotte and Nate across campus, sitting under a tree and feeding each other sour candies. I laugh and rub my hands together again to warm them. Everything about today is ecstatic, joyful. I can’t even be mad, or worried by Grace and Theo. Whatever happens tonight, happens. Not everything can be planned out with steps and footnotes. Sometimes, it has to just be lived. Ranik taught me that much.
