by Fifi Flowers
Curled up on my bed, my mind was working overtime, running in so many directions when a knock sounded on my door. It was Jinxie. Just who I didn’t want to see at that moment. I asked her to please leave me be. I didn’t want to hurt her, but she had hurt me and I just wanted to be left alone. Thankfully, she respected my wishes and went away. Not long after, a new familiar thumping rapped on the door. My plea wasn’t any different with Sage. Part of me wanted to let him in, but I really needed the solitude. The final request of the night to be let into my room was Norma. She didn’t give me a choice. She said either let me in or I use my key, you have to eat—I let her in.
She was neutral. She didn’t say a word to me. She sat and watched me devour my dinner. Then she made sure the showers were clear and stood guard. Cleaned, I slipped into a certain cowboy’s t-shirt, and Norma tucked me into bed. After kissing me on the forehead, she lifted my empty dishes and told me to come see her bright and early in the morning. She also mentioned before she disappeared for the night, that if she didn’t see me, she’d be back with breakfast. “Sweet dreams. See you in the morning. And don’t worry, it’s all going to work out, you watch and see.” God, I hoped she was right.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Sage
Off she went as I stood still, dazed, bewildered, stupefied—the list could’ve gone on and on. What just happened? Ginnylee… her mother… Jinxie… she was hot on her trail. I stayed behind, working out their story in my head. How had I not connected or how did I not connect any of her stories? I wracked my brain going back as far as I could. So many summers I had been around them, had he ever slipped and called her Jinxie? I couldn’t think of a time that he didn’t call her Miss Ginnylee, Ginnylee or Babe.
My first trip at twelve years old, I don’t remember much more than the dude ranch activities. Back at fourteen with raging hormones, I was more in tuned to the female population. I noticed a very shapely Ginnylee, who reminded me of model Christie Brinkley, always at Hank’s side—hugging, holding hands, walking with their arms around each other, chaste kisses—affectionate, but not overly. They were the exact opposite of my parents who never touched and rarely socialized together, other than family events or business obligations.
Ginnylee even went with us on a three-day ride—my first cattle drive. She had me so flustered when she rode up next to me and told me that I looked like a real cowboy. She said she’d seen her fair share of real and make-believe, wanna be cowboys. I must have been beet red—my face felt like it was on fire. After that, I sat up straighter on my saddle, worked harder and paid careful attention to all of the wrangling instructions given. Hank patted me on the back as I was leaving to go back home with my parents and told me that anytime I wanted to come work for him, I had a job.
The following year I returned to the ranch as an employee and every summer after until it became my permanent home. Before I settled on the property, I hated when the summer tourist season ended. I hated leaving my family and the country living. Life in the city with my parents left something to be desired. I would’ve gladly continued on throughout the year and attend school near the ranch. However, I would’ve missed my brother. He and I were very close, but there was no way he wanted to live the cowboy lifestyle. Fortunately, he was now willing to be part of it on a need to be present basis. He did agree with me that my surrogate family was far more appealing than our own biological clan.
Within a matter of hours, I had found out that the woman I loved was blood related to people I considered mine. Love? Yes, still a bit foreign to me, I did just say I loved Jade. I did… I do. I realized it long ago, maybe the first moment I saw her, but I always went back to questioning myself if it was real, it was. There was no getting around it. I hadn’t told her in words, but I thought I had expressed it in more ways. With the surprise revelation, I wondered what would happen next. The ranch was technically hers if she wanted it. The world was going to know soon that Jade Cassidy was Carson Crosby’s daughter.
The twins, her half-brothers, had been seen more and more often in the media spotlight attending all of the various movie premieres that had their father appearing digitally. The greedy bastards had put him in every movie they could since his death. I wasn’t sure Hank would be wild about being in a few of them. Unfortunately, I had no control over that part of his estate, would Jade?
I couldn’t see her capitalizing on her father. I told her about the private Hank and she had been around the celebrity side of him, living as Carson. Her existence would save the ranch from their grip, but at what cost? She was so much like Hank wanting to live a quiet life in the country. Would she resent her mother for exposing her to the public? Or even me? Saving the ranch, saved me.
When I walked into the lodge I saw that Ginnylee… Jinxie was sitting with Norma on a couch in the lobby near the large fireplace. Seeing me they waved me over. What did I call her now? I felt so uncomfortable for the first time ever being at the ranch, and being in her presence. Why wasn’t she with Jade? Had they had a disagreement? Was she that upset? It was a big thing—it was not to be taken lightly—many lives were affected.
“She refuses to talk to me. She said she needed some time. She needed to let it sink in. She said she’d talk to me in the morning. I guess that’s not too bad. At least she didn’t say she never wanted to speak to me again.” Ginnylee—what I was going to continue to call her until she told me otherwise—had a pained look on her face. Her red eyes told me she had been crying.
Norma rubbed her arm, “She’ll come around. It’s a big shock for her, I’m sure. I’m not going to say I didn’t see this coming, I was a little bit worried about something like this happening.”
“You knew?” My voice was cracking with emotion. “You knew that Jade was Hank’s daughter?”
“I always thought there was something familiar about Jade. Then I heard her use the name Jinxie. Well, it wasn’t my place to say anything. But I knew she had to be our Ginnylee’s daughter. I don’t know many people named Jinxie. I didn’t know that she had Hank’s baby. When Ginnylee first arrived here over thirty years ago she introduced herself as Jinxie. Hank is the one that started calling her Ginnylee and she went along with it. Jade had only recently talked to me about her mother. It all clicked for me. One look in her green eyes and I saw Hank, that I kept to myself. And I would’ve for all eternity if not for Ginnylee returning to help you and the ranch.”
Norma was a loyal person, I couldn’t hold that against her. “I’m going to go see if she’ll talk to me. I have a feeling I’m not who she wants either, but I’ve got to try,” I said turning away from them.
Leaving, I took my time walking to the barn, and stopped to watch the guys teaching a few young girls how to lasso a wooden cow in the ring. Their laughing reminded me of Jade’s first few lessons. I still don’t know how she did it, but she managed to rope her own ponytail that was sitting high atop her head. The guys roared with laughter that she had pulled herself over. They didn’t let her live that down easily, they insisted on telling the story over and over, each time it got more exaggerated. She was a good sport.
The guys liked having her around almost as much as I did. Well, maybe not nearly as much as I did, but she definitely fit in. They really loved that they were able to talk her into roping me. Yep, she proudly wore her prized cowgirl hat with pride knowing she had earned it. Rance and Sal worked with her for days, I later found out. One day Norma told me there was some amazing girl swinging a lasso in the ring. “You should go have a look,” she urged me. I was set up by my staff. They knew I was coming and before I knew what hit me, a rope went around my upper body and pinned my arms to my side. When I turned, I saw my beautiful, crayon-red haired girl grinning from ear to ear, so proud of herself as she pulled on the rope. “Come here, Cowboy!” I wasn’t stupid, I let her reel me in.
“What can I do for you, little lady,” I laughed before I rewarded her with a big smack on her perfectly soft, plush lips. Fuck! I loved feeling her lips on mine. H
olding her in my arms, nibbling her mouth, running my tongue along the seam of her lips until she opened to me and her tongue met mine. She always moaned in the sexiest way when we kissed. I shook my head at my thoughts, I was sure I had a dumb look on my face. A love-struck boy—that’s what I was. My goofiness was not very manly.
Moving on past the corral, I entered the stable and walked up the stairs to her room. My knocking elicited not a peep. Did she leave her room? Was she asleep? I tried one more time. “Jade, are you in there?” She quietly answered “yes,” and I asked her if I could come in. “No” was her reply. She wanted some time. I wasn’t about to push her, but I wasn’t quite ready to leave her.
Putting my back up against her door, I slid to the floor. “You know I remember a few stories Hank told me about a girl. I’m pretty sure they were about you.” She didn’t tell me to get lost, so I continued my story.
Hank always liked to tell stories. Ones about being on sets of western movies and others about his private life. He made me laugh. He said when he first bought the ranch to be a real cowboy he was in for quite a surprise. A painful one. He learned quickly that being on a horse for a few hours a day over a couple months was not the same as being on a saddle every single day. While filming, they rode only briefly and then dismounted. On the property, he was up and down hills, over rocks and galloping longer than he was used to in his make-believe western world. Soaking in a hot tub was a nightly necessity until his body built up resistance to all of the grueling work on the ranch, besides just riding horses. He had never worked so hard in his life and he loved every minute of it. Something I understood.
In the end, he had me in tears telling me many memories that involved his loved ones. I even got to hear some that were about me. He brought a lump to my throat. But it was the many about a certain girl that hit me the hardest. Such love for her. He said that if you’re lucky, you’re blessed with someone so special you want to be with them every day. You wanted to be able to physically experience everything about them.
Sniff them.
Kiss them.
Hug them.
Bite them.
Pinch them.
Squeeze them so tight.
Sometimes touching wasn’t enough.
He didn’t know what it was, he really couldn’t explain the feeling to me. But you definitely never wanted to let them go. And seeing the delightful expressions she made, both on her face and in her movements, pulled on his heart-strings. Her smile. Her giggle. Her little twirl. That twirl did him in. Whenever she was excited, overly happy, she would twirl around. She even added clapping at times.
I always thought he was talking about Ginnylee. No, I had never ever seen her actually twirl, but maybe she did that in private, when I wasn’t around. Knowing Jade. Knowing that she is Hank’s daughter. I realized that he was always talking about Jade—I had seen her twirl. He was right it made your heart race, thump so hard that heat rose throughout your body causing an ache that was indescribable. Several things she did had me feeling that way.
“He loved you so much. You’re hard not to love…” I listened to her blow her nose. I imagined that she was crying. I wanted to take her into my arms. “Jade?” Let her let me in. Let her let me in.
“Thank you for telling me that. I appreciate it, but please let me have some time,” her voice was shaky. “I’ll see you in the morning.” Denied! I wanted to say “no,” I wanted to break down the door. Instead, I conceded defeat, and stood up to leave.
“Okay. Get a good night sleep, Jade. Sweet dreams. I…” Love you almost slipped from my lips, but it wasn’t the right moment. “Night.” She didn’t respond, didn’t say another word. Just like that, she had shut down, and turned me away, as well.
Back at the lodge, I asked Norma to send dinner over to Jade. I was certain she would not be leaving her room. Definitely, she would not enter the dining room. She wanted to be alone, wanted time—I would give her that, until the morning. I hoped that she would allow Norma in since Ginnylee and I were on the no entrance list.
Finding Ginnylee looking forlorn in the dining room, I asked her if I could join her, she nodded. “She’s going to come around,” I told her before I turned the subject to her and Hank. I had not spoken to her since he had broken ties with her. She needed to know what happened and what a stubborn fool he had been. Everyone dealt with dying in their own way, but I believed his way was cruel to the one that loved him the most. I can that say because I am not him, I would’ve wanted Jade near me until I took my very last breath. I would want to be by her side if she were dying. Shit! I didn’t even want to think of such a thing.
I didn’t know what Ginnylee knew so I told her. We had taken him back to LA when it was obvious that he needed additional care. He had access to a full medical staff around the clock, they kept him comfortable. He knew celebrity news traveled fast. He knew that medical leaks to the press always seemed to happen. Even in illness, he wanted to protect the ranch, he didn’t want a media circus invading it. He was right, once he was comfortably situated in his Hollywood home, the paparazzi camped out like vultures. Waiting to capture a glimpse of his famous friends visiting, his emaciated body, or the mortuary vehicle carting him away.
Several of his old western film buddies came to see him several times. Norma, Clay and I made sure he had his rest, he would have had people in visiting him around the clock if we let him. He said that he would sleep when he was dead, until then he wanted his friends present. But not Ginnylee, not the love of his life. Not his love child that I had learned was Jade. He didn’t block visits from his sons, they were contacted. However, they sent their regards and never showed up to say goodbye to their father. Bastards! I really hated them.
“Did Tex Cassidy go to see him often?” Her first question was about her father.
“Yes, he did. He came to visit him more than anyone.”
“I knew he attended his celebration of life with my mother. He didn’t want me in the media eye… You scattered his ashes here on the ranch?”
“Yes, he wanted to be all over the ranch. He designated every spot, most of them I believe involved you, according to Clay. I’m sorry he shut you out.” Several tears streamed down her pretty face. “He was wrong to do that to you, wrong to…” I reached out my napkin to her and touched her free arm resting on the table as she dabbed under her eyes.
“You know when I first came here. I was legal and could go after what I wanted, I always wanted him for as long as I can remember. That man pushed me away every day, I didn’t let that detour me—I kept following him around. That wasn’t working so I decided to try another approach that I hoped would get his attention. He claimed that he didn’t want me like I wanted him, but he definitely didn’t want anyone else to have me.” She laughed. “In the end, I had to beg him not to fire one of the ranch hands that I blatantly used. Poor guy, I still send him Christmas cards and apologize.”
“You played the jealousy game?” I asked with a slight grin.
“Hell, yes! Yes, I did and I got what I wanted, even if it was cruel.” She paused and looked around. “When I wound up pregnant, I wasn’t scared one bit. I wanted my baby… his baby… our baby. But I didn’t want his name or my parents’ splashed around the rags. Imagine the headline, teen lover of Carson Crosby, daughter of his longtime best friends… I couldn’t do it.” She was silent again with a big smile that caused her blue eyes to sparkle. “The minute I saw Jade and she looked up at me, it was like looking at Carson. His eyes, the exact color of jade, it was easy to name her. I loved her instantly and was content with the fact that if I never was with him again, I had part of him with me for life, forever!”
She was so right, I never saw it though. It is hard to focus on just her eyes when the total picture is stunning. Her crayon-red hair, first of all, is a big draw. It was what I saw from across the gas station lot. Up close her skin is flawless, her freckles only add to her complexion. Her teeth, perfectly straight and bright white, are framed with
a set of beautiful lips when she smiles. The eyes, in question, are a pale green just like the gemstone jade, and her lashes are long. What else could I say, she is gorgeous.
“I see the same look in your eyes that I saw from Hank every summer when it came time to leave. You don’t have to keep your love for her a secret.” Staring at each other, I knew she was right, but I didn’t know if she would be willing to stay. I didn’t reply. “You don’t have to say anything, just think about it. I’m hoping to take her home or I should say she’ll be taking me home. She might not want to leave with me, but we need her to go to see Nick, Carson’s entertainment lawyer in LA, before heading back to the beach. The long drive will give us time to talk too.” Yes, I imagined they would have a lot of time to discuss the past driving over eight hundred miles to San Diego.
I wasn’t certain if we had ran out of words, or if it was just too painful to speak, but we finished dinner quietly until she excused herself with a kiss to my cheek.
After choking down the rest of my food along with probably one too many ales, I made my way back to my lonely cabin where Jade’s framed paintings sat waiting to be installed once guests vacated. I should’ve let her inside, not just her works of art. What was the difference? I felt her presence. I saw her in every corner of my home. What the hell was I afraid of? Exactly what was happening, her departure. Maybe if I had let her all the way in she wouldn’t be leaving. And yet, the coward in me wasn’t willing to take that chance. If I was a stronger man, I would’ve stormed out the door, across the ranch to the stable, broke down her door, thrown her over my shoulder and brought her back to where she belonged. Instead, ball-less, chicken shit me, opened a bottle of Stranahan whiskey, tossed back one too many fingers, and passed out on my couch fully clothed.
