Wish Upon a Star

by Sarah Morgan

‘I know about that.’ Christy put half the scone on a plate and pushed it towards her. ‘Eat. Jake’s worried that you’re not eating enough so I said I’d take charge of your calorie intake between now and delivery.’

  Miranda smiled. ‘No one has ever fussed over me before the way he does.’

  ‘No?’ Christy’s eyes were gentle. ‘Then make the most of it. Grab it while you can. He wants the baby, Miranda. He wants the baby as much as he wants you, can’t you believe that?’

  ‘I believe that he thinks that’s the case.’ Miranda stared at the scone on her plate. ‘But people don’t know how they’re going to react. The baby isn’t his. Nothing can ever change that.’

  ‘And he doesn’t want to. Jake is the most balanced, levelheaded guy you could ever hope to meet. Have you ever seen him panic?’

  ‘No. No I haven’t. He’s always Mr Super Cool.’

  Christy nodded. ‘He’s a guy who knows who he is and knows what he wants. And he wants you and the baby. Think about it. Think about what you might be turning down.’

  ‘What if, two years from now, he’s tired of having a lively toddler around the house?’

  Christy looked at her for a long moment and then stood up, a sad smile on her face. ‘If you have to ask me that question, you obviously don’t know Jake at all,’ she said softly as she picked up her coat. ‘He’s a good man. A hell of a catch, frankly. You should remember that. Of all the women he’s ever dated, you’re the one he wants. Wow. Be flattered. And now I need to get going because it’s snowing again and Alessandro worries about me when the roads are bad. Don’t get up. You look tired. Eat your scone and I’ll see myself out.’

  Miranda sat in the kitchen, staring out of the window as the snow fell and darkness closed in. Jake had phoned earlier to say that he was going down to A and E to deal with an emergency and he was likely to be very late. And she missed him. Even in such a short time she’d become used to the life they’d led. She’d enjoyed their routine of working together and living together. Now it was just the living and soon it wouldn’t even be that because she intended to move into a new flat in the next two weeks.

  Outside the wind whistled around the house and she couldn’t stop thinking about everything that Christy had said about Jake. Phrases kept running through her head.

  ‘A hell of a catch.’

  ‘You’re the one he wants.’

  And he was the one she wanted, too.

  And suddenly she knew that Christy was right. Jake was nothing like her father and nothing like Peter. He was strong and sexy, kind and tough, all at the same time. And she was crazy about him.

  And Christy was right—he did know what he wanted out of life.

  And he wanted her and the baby, so why was she turning down the chance of happiness when she was madly in love with him? When she knew he’d make a wonderful partner?

  A slow warmth spread through her and she smiled. She was going to talk to him. As soon as he came home from work. She was going to tell him that she’d changed her mind. That she wanted him to adopt the baby. That she wanted them to be a family.

  Wanting to look her best, she washed and dried her hair, changed into a loose, comfortable dress and made herself a drink.

  But there was still no sign of Jake. And she was desperate to talk to him. Suddenly it seemed imperative that he know how she felt.

  Feeling jumpy and restless, she stood up and paced around the kitchen and then moved into the living room. She was standing there, staring at the photograph of Jake rolling in the snow with his two nephews, when the first pain hit her.

  She gave a cry of shock and clutched at her abdomen, winded by the pain and unable to move. Gradually it eased and she inched her way towards the sofa, trying to talk rationally to herself.

  She wasn’t due for another month. These were just more Braxton-Hicks’ contractions, signs that her body was preparing for labour. She’d felt them before, although never with such severity. The pain would fade and then everything would be fine.

  It took less than two minutes for her to realise that everything was far from fine. Less than two minutes for another pain to tear through her body, this time so severe that she was unable to breathe or cry out. She dropped to her knees, closed her eyes and forced herself not to panic.

  She was fairly sure that she was in labour.

  Fairly sure?

  If she hadn’t been so frightened, she would have laughed. She was a midwife, for goodness’ sake. And she didn’t even know whether she was in labour.

  Phone.

  She needed to get to the phone.

  Trying to be calm and rational, she waited for the pain to fade and then staggered over to Jake’s phone, only to discover that the line was dead.

  Realising that she was going to have to do this on her own, she grabbed some cushions from the sofa and settled herself on the floor to await the next pain.

  It would be all right, she told herself, rubbing a hand over her stomach and feeling the tightening against her hand. This time when the pain came she was ready for it and she closed her eyes and breathed the way she’d taught countless pregnant women to breathe in the antenatal classes she’d run.

  The pain thundered through her, relentless in its intensity, and she suddenly knew why women were encouraged to have someone with them when they gave birth. You needed someone on the outside. You needed someone who was one step removed from what was happening. You needed love and support—

  ‘Miranda?’

  Her eyes flew open and she saw Jake standing in the doorway. His dark hair was dusted with snow and a long coat emphasised his powerful physique. A rush of cold air blew into the room before he closed the door firmly.

  ‘Labour…’ she gasped, and then closed her eyes and tried to concentrate on her breathing as another pain hit.

  ‘How far apart?’ He was on his knees beside her, his hands freezing as they slid over her abdomen, feeling the contraction. ‘When did it start?’

  She had to wait for the pain to fade before she could speak. ‘Not long ago. And hardly any time apart. I think it’s coming, Jake. I know it’s a month early, but I’m definitely in labour.’

  ‘You should have called me.’

  ‘Phone not working.’ She closed her eyes as she felt another pain hit and then swell to almost unbearable levels before fading back again. But this time she wasn’t on her own. This time she felt a strong arm round her shoulders as Jake held her and praised her.

  The moment the pain had passed he reached for the phone and then cursed softly and slammed it down again. ‘The line must be dead and I’ve got no signal on my mobile.’

  She looked at him with fear in her eyes. ‘Jake…’

  ‘Don’t worry about it.’ He shrugged his broad shoulders out of his coat. ‘How do you feel about a home birth?’

  ‘Nervous?’

  ‘That’s not very flattering.’ He teased her as he stripped off his jumper and pushed up his sleeves. ‘I’m an obstetrician. This is my territory.’

  ‘No, it isn’t.’ She closed her eyes and shifted her position, ready for the next pain. ‘You deal with complications. This is supposed to be a normal birth. You obstetricians don’t know anything about normal births.’

  ‘Well, I’m sure I’ll struggle through and if it all seems a bit bewilderingly normal, I’ll just have to turn it round and deliver it as a breech.’

  Despite the pain, she managed a laugh. ‘You’re mad, do you know that?’

  ‘Relax, Miranda. Everything is going to be fine.’ He stroked her hair away from her face with a gentle hand and then switched into consultant mode. ‘Another contraction?’ He took her hand and eased her into a better position, talking to her gently until the wave of pain receded. Then he tried both phones again and shook his head. ‘Nothing. Miranda, I think I’d better examine you. I need to know how many centimetres dilated you are. If this baby is about to arrive, I need to boil kettles and do all the other useless and pointless things they do in the movies.
’

  It was impossible to panic in the face of his humour and confidence.

  ‘You can’t examine me, it’s too embarrassing. Oh, Jake…’ She screwed up her face and sobbed with pain. ‘Is it supposed to feel like this? It’s agony.’ Another pain hit and she was hit by a wave of nausea. ‘I feel sick…’

  He reached for a decorative ceramic bowl and placed it in front of her. ‘Don’t worry about it, just keep breathing.’ His voice was calm and steady. ‘Miranda, I think you’re in transition.’

  He was behaving like a cool professional while all she wanted was for him to hug her and tell her that he loved her. But she’d sent him away, hadn’t she? She’d told him that she didn’t want him in her life.

  She grabbed his hand and closed her eyes. ‘I’m scared—’ She broke off as another pain hit her and he waited for it to pass and then gently disengaged himself and stood up.

  ‘Where are you going?’ There was a distinct note of panic in her voice and he gave her a reassuring smile.

  ‘For some reason unknown to me, I have a sterile cord clamp in my car so I’m going to fetch that and then I’m going to wash my hands. I think I’m about to deliver a baby.’

  She closed her eyes with a groan of denial. ‘I can’t believe this is happening.’ Then she gave a gasp. ‘Jake! I want to push. Oh—I can feel the head.’

  ‘Don’t push until I’ve washed my hands.’ He strode out of the room but was back moments later with an armful of towels and sheets.

  ‘I can feel the head, Jake.’ She grabbed his hand again, ‘I’m scared.’

  ‘There’s nothing to be scared about. Miranda, I just need to take a look and see what’s happening.’ His voice was gentle and calm and suddenly she wasn’t embarrassed any more, she was just worried.

  It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

  ‘It’s far too quick! Don’t let anything happen to the baby. What if the cord is round the neck? What if there’s something wrong with the foetal heart and we don’t even know because I’m not on a monitor?’ The words came out in a rush and she broke off as another pain hit and the desire to push was so intense that she could do nothing except follow the instructions of her body.

  ‘The head’s coming now, Miranda. Stop pushing. Stop pushing, angel. Pant, that’s right… Good girl. Everything’s fine.’

  She closed her eyes tightly and tried to get her breath back but then another pain swamped her and her body pushed the baby out and into Jake’s waiting arms. The baby howled angrily and Miranda sat back with a rush of relief.

  ‘Is the baby all right?’ She felt completely shocked by the speed and violence of it all. If Jake hadn’t been there, she didn’t know what she would have done.

  ‘Not a baby. A little girl, and she seems absolutely fine.’ Jake’s voice was strangely flat. ‘She’s beautiful. Well done.’

  He placed the baby carefully in her arms and she stared down at the tiny, perfect features with wonder in her eyes. The howls turned to whimpers as the baby nuzzled Miranda’s breast.

  ‘Good idea.’ Brisk and businesslike, Jake settled himself into a more comfortable position. ‘Feed her, Miranda, if you can. I don’t have any drugs with me. Nothing to help your uterus contract so we’re going to have to do this the way that nature intended as well. Physiological third stage. Feed her. It will help your uterus contract.’

  Some women opted to have a physiological third stage, but Miranda knew that the risks of bleeding were greater and understood why Jake was now paying her more attention than ever. He was worried that she might bleed and he had no access to a telephone.

  He was a doctor doing his job.

  And he didn’t seem at all interested in the baby.

  She undid the buttons of her maternity dress and gently lifted the baby to her breast. With remarkably little encouragement, the baby latched onto her nipple and sucked happily. Miranda breathed a sigh of relief but suddenly the happiness of the birth mingled with despair. She wanted to say something, want to speak, but none of the words in her head felt right.

  Seemingly oblivious to her emotional state, Jake slid a hand over her abdomen, checking her uterus. ‘Everything feels fine.’

  And everything was fine. The placenta came away easily and Jake breathed a sigh of relief.

  ‘I don’t know what you midwives complain about.’ He dragged a forearm over his forehead and gave a lopsided smile. ‘Piece of cake. I’m just going to wash my hands and find another heater to put in here. This room isn’t warm enough for her.’

  He vanished for a moment and the returned with two heaters, a drink for Miranda and the phone in his hand.

  ‘The phone’s working again. I want you to go into hospital, Miranda. She looks fine to me and you look fine, too, but it was all a bit quick for my liking and the roads are so bad that we wouldn’t be able to get you to hospital in a hurry if it suddenly became necessary.’

  Miranda frowned. ‘Do I have to?’

  ‘Just for tonight. Oh, by the way, there was a message on the machine. Someone about a flat. The landlord told you it wasn’t available until the spring but apparently the tenants have found somewhere else and are moving today, so it’s yours whenever you want it.’

  She waited for him to say something about not wanting her to leave but he said nothing at all, just finished clearing up, fetched her a few things that he knew she’d need and made a few notes to give to the ambulance crew.

  And he still didn’t look at the baby.

  Which meant only one thing as far as she was concerned. He wasn’t interested in her, Miranda thought miserably, holding back the tears that threatened.

  It was late the following afternoon when Jake walked up to the side room. In his arms were a teddy bear and a huge bunch of flowers.

  This, he decided as he put a hand on the door and steeled himself to open it, was going to be one of the hardest five minutes of his life.

  He was going to deliver the flowers, say all the things he was expected to say and then just get out as fast as he could, hopefully before he made a complete and utter fool of himself.

  Taking a deep breath, he pushed open the door and walked into the room, a smile pinned on his face. The smile faded instantly when he saw that the room was empty.

  And then he heard a faint gurgle coming from the cot by the bed and he realised that the room wasn’t empty at all. The baby was in the cot. But there was no sign of Miranda.

  Wondering why he was intent on torturing himself, he stepped over to the cot and stared down.

  The baby lay with her eyes closed, her tiny mouth moving in her sleep.

  Jake felt his heart twist. ‘Hi, there.’ His voice was soft as he reached down and touched her cheek. ‘It’s nice to meet you properly.’

  Miranda paused in the doorway of her bathroom, her eyes on Jake.

  He obviously didn’t realise she was in the room and he was talking to the baby. Touching her.

  ‘I didn’t get a good look at you yesterday,’ he was saying softly, a gentle look in his eyes as he leaned over the cot. ‘I was too busy worrying about your mum.’

  Miranda frowned. He’d been worried about her? He certainly hadn’t seemed worried.

  The baby gurgled sleepily and Jake smiled. ‘You’re going to make your mum very happy. Which is a good thing, because it’s what she deserves.’

  ‘Jake?’ Miranda stepped into the room and he turned to face her, his eyes suddenly wary.

  ‘I didn’t know you were there.’

  ‘I was using the bathroom.’ She looked at him. ‘I—I heard what you said. I didn’t know you were worried about me.’

  He gave a faint smile. ‘You were eavesdropping on a private conversation.’

  ‘Why were you worried? You’re a brilliant obstetrician and I’ve never known you worry about anyone before.’

  He stared at her for a long moment and then he gave a humourless laugh. ‘I’ve never been called on to deliver the baby of the woman I love before. Believe me, it’s e
ntirely different. Objectivity flies out of the window. I was scared to death.’

  Her heart fluttered in her chest. ‘The woman you love?’

  He shook his head and gave a weary smile. ‘I can’t argue this with you again, Miranda.’ He handed her the flowers and put the teddy bear down on the bed. ‘These are for you. I know you’ll be coming home later, but everyone needs flowers when they’re in hospital. And now I ought to go. I have a clinic and—’

  ‘The clinic can wait.’ She clutched the flowers against her chest, her breathing unsteady. ‘You haven’t told me that you love me since that night we made love. And yesterday, when the baby was born, you hardly looked at her. I assumed that I’d ruined everything. That you’d changed your mind. About her and about me.’

  He was silent for a moment and then he ran a hand over the back of his neck, visibly tense. ‘Does it really make any difference how I feel, Miranda?’

  ‘Actually, yes, it does.’ Her voice cracked and she found herself hoping that the baby wouldn’t wake up for a few minutes. There were things that she needed to say, things that were so difficult for her she couldn’t risk being interrupted.

  But Jake spoke first. ‘All right. I wasn’t going to say this now. Giving birth is an emotional time for a woman and I wanted to give you some space, but I may as well be honest. You’re right when you said that I didn’t look at the baby. I didn’t. And the reason for that was that I didn’t dare. I knew that if I looked at her, all attempts at being one step removed and functioning as an obstetrician would fly out of the window. You gave birth very quickly, Miranda.’ His tone was quiet and serious. ‘No end of things could have gone wrong and I wanted to make sure that they didn’t. I couldn’t afford the distraction.’

  ‘And that’s why you seemed so detached? Uninterested?’

  He walked across to the window and stared out across the hospital car park. ‘I wasn’t uninterested.’

  ‘What then?’

  ‘It was self-protection.’ He turned. ‘Because if I’d looked at the baby then I would have fallen in love with her and I can’t afford to do that. It’s bad enough losing you, without losing her as well.’