Only Good With You

by Zoey Kinsman

“How do you know that? That’s so silly.” I was deflecting now and trying to move her off track, when in reality she was so dead on about everything. She did really know me well. “Okay, Trish, get ready for your crash course.” Handing out instructions and things for her to study up on, I left her to start her learning. I still had everyday business to take care of myself before leaving early. This would be my own crash course in getting it all done well and quickly.

  * * * *

  Trish had always proved a quick learner, and it just made my goofing off with Paul that much easier. Knowing that I was leaving the business in good hands, there was a sense of being able to breathe and relax about it all. Between Trish and Paul, I was being schooled on what trust was really all about.

  The mornings before he’d drop me at work always started out great, too. Usually, he’d get me up and we’d go for a run or work out on the equipment he had in the house. We decided not to go to the gym, wanting to spend as much time together as possible. That was what this week was ultimately about, so we didn’t want to waste too much time in cars travelling to and from places on crowded smoggy L.A. streets. We’d run up and through the valleys near his home, and soak in the fresh morning scents of grass and earth that invigorated us. I tried to keep up to him, but to no avail. He’d slow down for me and taunt me to move it faster. I hated him…not really. But by the end of the week, when I was able to pass him unannounced, he was taken aback and had to catch up. He smacked my ass as he turned it on and passed me. It was all such good fun. Smiles took over our insides again.

  Painfully he’d drop me at work, and painfully I eased my way out of the car and up to my office. I’d work furiously to complete my duties, and when I looked out the window at one o’clock each day of that last week, he was always sitting outside waiting for me. I’d pack up quickly, make up some quick goodbye message for Trish, and run to get into that car with him. It was where I wanted to be most, next to him. We’d talk about the news and what was happening, he’d tell me about the scripts that had come and what he was learning and memorizing so he could hit the ground running when shooting started back up. As I was always so organized, he was so prepared. We were professionals by nature who took our jobs seriously. Although currently we both had to admit that we were major distractions to each other.

  When we got back to his place, we would usually make some kind of lunch. He had restocked his fridge, and there were many healthy choices to be had. Together, always together, we cooked and served one another. I’d toss grapes at him occasionally, and he’d feed me strawberries under the umbrella in the back. The days were glorious, spent at the back by the pool. We swam, lounged next to each other holding hands, or just snuggled up tight on one chair until the unbearable heat begged us back into the pool. Our bodies yearned for the closeness that seemed unending and in need of expression regularly. Perhaps fear of the following week and separation preyed on us subconsciously, but we pushed it back. We tanned and talked.

  Our conversations were usually telling. Not afraid, we spoke what we were made of and let our souls speak for us. Our vulnerabilities were on display, and yet there was relief in the knowledge that those revelations stayed between us. As we twisted and turned in each other’s physical spaces, we did as well in each other’s emotional reality. There was something so intrinsically organic naturally occurring.

  Touch was also important. No matter where the other one was, there was a constant need to feel connected to some part of the other. He’d play with my feet under the table, hold my hands whenever we rested, or I’d run my hands through his hair to watch him sigh with delight. And then of course, the lovemaking was the true definition of connection through touch. It wasn’t just the physical act of touching, but more of how we used it to express what words could not.

  Honestly, I had never thought at my age I would love again. I never thought I could ever love more deeply, either. Or when I thought of loving, it never occurred to me that it might be better than any wildest dream that my imagination could conjure. What actually happened was that my love for him proved more important than my want or need of him. His love reflected that same message like light on a dark day. Yet I had to find a way to live without that brilliant light in less than a week’s time.

  One night at dinner I asked him about it. “So how do you think I should survive without you near me? Any ideas?”

  “I love how you are so open with me. It amazes me.” He took a small pause to think on it. “Hmm. I’ve asked myself that same question many times…how will I make it without you? But you actually had the guts to voice it. Frankly, it scares the fuck out of me. How depressed will I be? Will work allow me to make the days go by quickly before you return to me? Will my cock fall off from lack of use? I just don’t know. But I do know that I love you madly, and I will somehow make it, because the thought of you being near me sooner rather than later will help me go on. And then there is FaceTime and email and texts…” He paused again, and I took it as a cue to affirm his remarks.

  “I think you’re right that we are going into the unknown, and we have to go willingly for the sake of our relationship and know that our love is strong. I’ve just recently made the self-discovery that you’ve taught me to trust again. So, I have to trust that we will make it alone so that we can make it together.”

  “We’ll help each other through it, too, I think.”

  “Promise me, Paul, that if you are feeling blue you will tell me, and that we can walk it together.”

  “Yes, I promise, and you promise the same, because I know you will want to hide it from me. It’s that protective thing you do.”

  Laughing, I said, “I promise, and yes, I am protective of the people I care about. The world can be a cruel place. We all need people in our corner cheering and rooting us on and covering our asses when we can’t cover them ourselves. I know you’d be there in a heartbeat for me.”

  “Yes, I’d be there for your ass in a heartbeat, so true.”

  That was our cue to move it back to the bedroom.

  * * * *

  On Wednesday of the last week the unexpected happened.

  At around twelve forty-five, before I had a chance to look out of the window to see if he had made his way to my office, I heard people speaking in the front room. There was a sudden knock on my door.

  “Yes Trish, come on in. What’s happening out front?”

  In a total fluster, she could hardly speak. “He’s here to see you…Paul Wickham. The one you are helping with his memoir…and what’s happening with that memoir? What should I do?”

  Her infatuation was so fangirl and endearing. I went easy on her.

  “He must be here to talk to me about it, but we didn’t have an appointment set up for today.”

  “Should I send him away? With apologies, of course?”

  “No, no…we can’t send him away. It would be rude to treat a client that way…wouldn’t want to lose the business.” Boy, was I getting good at covering!

  “Okay…I’ll send him in then?”

  “Yes, send him in.” I almost burst into laughter imagining her telling him I couldn’t see him today.

  She went back out to get him and I heard her say, “Ms. Sullivan will see you now.” He must have loved that.

  Surprisingly, he responded well. “Thank you, Trish, I appreciate your help here.”

  She showed him in and I motioned for her to please close the door behind her.

  We both burst out laughing. “You are taking such a chance that we’ll get found out.”

  “But it was such fun playing the espionage game with you.”

  “Yes, how can I help you now, Mr. Wickham?” I spoke in a slow, low drawl.

  His arms went around me tight and I felt him hard against me, a reassuring feeling to be sure.

  “Ah, I see it’s that damn boner problem again. Come sit with me and let’s see if we can remedy the problem a bit.”

  I had a strict no fucking in my office policy. But everyth
ing else was cool.

  We moved to my chair, where within seconds I was in his lap and he was all over me. Our mouths and tongues were busy, forever exploring and forging new connections. Wet, hot, and unabashed, I moved on him in that chair, wanting to break my own fucking policy.

  At first, I heard absolutely nothing, and then it dawned on me that someone was watching us. Her eyes were piercing, round, and wide-eyed, amazed. Trish had walked in on Paul and me making out in my office chair. We both jumped. I jumped out and he jumped up. Neither of us knew what to immediately say or do. We were caught. We’d played too close to fire, and apparently got burned.

  When I looked at him his face was red, and I felt mine burning as well. After all, she had unintentionally interrupted a private moment. Thankfully, he got it together quicker than me and understood the situation better, obviously.

  “I think you two ladies need to talk. Anne, I’ll wait for you in the car, in the garage.”

  With that, he couldn’t have gotten out of there any quicker. Those long legs with the long stride got him out of my office fast. At least his uneasiness was over. Now I had to straight on deal with mine. I owed her the truth.

  “Anne, you need to pull your skirt down,” she pointed out.

  “Oh, sorry…” I pushed it back into place.

  “What’s going on here?” Her face showed that she was still perplexed. Her tone of voice was one of disbelief. Was it that I had taken away her dream lover, or that someone like me could never be with someone like him? I was going to find out.

  Feeling a bit slighted but willing to give her the benefit of the doubt, I recounted the tale of how, after sushi, he’d told me how he had pursued me since having met me years prior. He’d wanted me for years. I explained it all, that it was she who had actually brought me to him. With total sincerity, I recounted how the last four weeks had been the best times of my entire life. I told her that it happened so easily and so naturally and just felt right.

  “Does he love you?”

  “Yes.”

  “Do you love him?”

  “I’m in love, and it’s your fault.” We laughed together, then she came around to where I was sitting and hugged me tightly.

  “Finally! I am so happy for you.”

  “Thank you so much, Trish, because I didn’t know how you would take it.”

  “Didn’t you know that ultimately I would be happy for you? My crush on Paul was just that, a crush and nothing more. But the fact that you could find actual love with that incredible man is the most wonderful news. Anne, you know you are my partner, but also one of my most cherished friends, and as your BFF, I am thrilled for you.”

  “Don’t you think I am too old for him?”

  “Uh…no. I don’t know if he can keep up to you!”

  “Seriously, that is my main concern with the relationship. I worry that he’ll grow tired of me and want something else, someone younger and more beautiful.”

  “That’s just your own noise in your head playing. You need to turn that negative thinking off and just let yourself be happy. You so deserve this.”

  “I have been lecturing myself, too.” I laughed to ease the serious nature of the conversation.

  “Honestly speaking, I have never seen you happier either. You are just glowing, like I said the other day and you blew me off. Now I know why.” She giggled. “So tell me how he makes you happy?”

  She was my BFF, too, and I did tell her most things, so I thought it might be nice to share with another woman.

  “Well, he just gets me and accepts me and loves me for me. His love quiets all my demons and heals all my wounds and tends to the scarred places in me. He never asks me to change or be someone different. I feel so blessed, and so scared sometimes.”

  “That’s beautiful, but why are you scared? Do you know what exactly scares you?”

  “That he’ll leave and then I’ll be damaged beyond repair.” I had to look away.

  “Why would he leave? But let’s say he does…I think you could survive.”

  “Yes, I’ve spoken to that cynical part of me many times. And I’ve told Paul and he believes that we will survive. He’s always so positive. He is my opposite. Isn’t that ironic?”

  “Anne, you don’t give yourself enough credit, or Paul. If he believes, then maybe you should, too. I know he is leaving for Ireland next week. Is that where you are planning on going in October?”

  “Yes, that’s why I need you to be ready to take over.”

  “I will be, but you know if you wanted to go earlier, I could handle it. We could work it out.”

  “No, Paul and I agreed that we’d wait six weeks and then I’d come and spend a month, and then he’d be back at the holidays. But, it’s been so intense that the missing will be great.”

  “I don’t know if it’s any consolation to you, but I’ll be here for you day and night, and you can talk to me anytime. I mean it. You don’t have to go it alone.”

  “You, my wonderful friend, are a real blessing. I’m probably going to take you up on that offer.”

  “Now, go be with him and we can talk more tomorrow.”

  “Thanks, Trish.” I grabbed my stuff to go and quickly ran back to hug her again.

  Making my way down to his car, this new and exciting chapter in my life was inspiring. It felt so good on so many levels.

  “So, how did she take the news?”

  “She took it really well. It shouldn’t surprise me, because I’ve always known what a treasure she is, but it did surprise me on some level and relieve me on another.”

  “I need more info.” We were speeding toward the freeway now.

  “I thought she’d be surprised and maybe a touch horrified because of the age difference…maybe?”

  “Oh, so she said you were full of crap, too?”

  “Basically. She told me that and how happy she was for me that I found love. She was a real friend when I needed one.”

  “So you are blessed then. I guess this means I don’t have to play the memoir story with her anymore?”

  “Nope, you’re out of that one, with her at least, but not the press.” We smiled at each other.

  “Let’s go home, I believe we have unfinished business. You know that boner problem you never were able to fix in your office? Well, it still needs some attention.”

  “Oh, yes, I will attend to that as soon as we get back.”

  I made good on that promise immediately upon our return.

  Chapter 10

  Our last week together flew by way too fast. Before we knew it, Sunday night was upon us, and he had a three o’clock car booked for the next day to take him to LAX.

  These were our very last and precious hours together.

  Where usually we talked and the camaraderie was great, we both spoke very little. Perhaps we were beginning the process of insulating ourselves from the stark reality that in a day these times together would no longer be freely available for a long while. For me, I doubted my decision to stay behind, and maybe for him the dilemma was in not convincing me to come. In the end, would the learning of how to disconnect be worth it? Would we learn wisdom from the wounds about to be inflected?

  Although we stayed within proximity to each other, reaching out for tiny touches, we both went about our daily business somewhat detached. It was strange for two people who had been so close. It felt like a test run, and I didn’t like it one bit. I understood protectionism, but why now? Grumpy Cat smirked from her perch.

  Finally at around five in the afternoon, I was the first to try my hand at communication. “So, are you ready to go? Is everything you need packed up?” It was a simple question.

  “No, not everything I need will be going with me.” His stare was frightening. In one look he conveyed disappointment and fear meshed together.

  “I’m sorry, my love, if I’m disappointing you. I truly am so very sorry. Sometimes I think you are right, and that I was the one who made the wrong decision.”

  His f
ace softened, his anger dissipating. “No, you did what was right for you, and I have to remember that we will be together again. I have to believe the time will go by quickly while I’m doing something that I love as well. Perhaps we are both looking at it wrong…maybe the separation is about creativity and doing something we are both passionate about. Many people don’t get that opportunity.”

  “Yes, but I want us to be able to do that and share that together somehow.”

  “As do I. But maybe we’re not being realistic about it, and not letting ourselves come to terms with the situation. I think we have to let go. Just let go and believe. Our relationship is really not that fragile that it cannot withstand a test or two. So, let’s shift focus.”

  I took the opportunity to seize the pause to regroup and rethink my perspective.

  “Maybe we could try that. Shift focus…let go and believe. Yes, I do believe we have built something solid in a short period of time. I do really believe in us.” There were so many maybes.

  I took the opportunity to run into his arms, having missed them all day. I placed my head on his chest and my arms around his waist. Those long arms and big hands grasped me tightly in response. He kissed the top of my head. Looking up at him, I knew our faces reflected the happiness felt in the moment. It was a sweet moment, full of optimism and hope.

  Then I felt it, hard, pulsating, and ready. By now that firm cock throbbing on my being was a comforting sign that all was good. I looked up once more with a twinkle in my eye.

  “Have you got any remedies for what ails me?”

  “First, we go to bed, then some Chinese take-out, and then to bed again for some sleep. We’ll need it. That just might fix everything.”

  “Good insight. I like your plan.” In one sudden movement, in a flash I was in his arms and he was racing toward the bedroom.

  “Why so quick, Mr. Wickham? You know I like it slow and steady.”

  “No problem, miss, I just want to have at you as soon as possible.”