Only Good With You

by Zoey Kinsman

  At around five o’clock when the sun was looking to set, his hand twitched. I took it in mine.

  “Yes, my love, please wake up for me.”

  Then there were some deep throaty gurgles that might have signaled pain. “I’m going to get the doctor, Paul, hang on.”

  “No…my beauty…no. I’m…only…good with you.” He eked out that sentence, his voice raspy. My heart raced in delight. It was a start.

  “Paul…”

  He ripped off the mask with his free hand.

  “No, you need that.” I went to place it back on.

  “No…I’m okay. You’re here.” His arm tried to bring me to him.

  “I’m here, don’t worry. Just take it easy. Let me get the nurse and doctor. They have been waiting for you to wake up. Are you in pain, love?”

  “No…I’m flying on something. Are you a dream, Anne? Please tell me you are real and I’m not hallucinating.” His speech was still forced. It worried me, but I didn’t let on.

  Laughing out loud, really from relief, I told him, “I’m really here with you, where I belong, as long as you’ll have me.”

  “Always…I want you always…it’s too hard without you…too hard, my beauty…too hard…” His weak voice trailed off and his breathing was shallow.

  “Paul, you are pushing yourself. Please put the oxygen back on and let me get the doctor. Okay?”

  “Be back fast,”

  “I promise.”

  Having not moved for hours, I was so stiff, but his need was greater, so I got myself gingerly out of that bed and down the hall to the nurses’ station.

  “He’s awake,” I announced, and then rushed back to him.

  When I got back to his room, his eyes were fully open. He motioned for me to come lay back down next to him, but I let him know that they were coming soon to check on him.

  I sat down now in the same chair Valerie had sat in when I first got there. I took his hand in mine and entwined my fingers in his. He smiled so widely at me. I returned the smile. We just looked at each other till the team of doctors came in to examine him.

  They asked questions. I watched them poke and prod him and test his reflexes. He asked if he could take the mask off now because he felt he could breathe on his own again. They agreed with him. Then they gave orders to the nurses and made to leave. That’s when I went into action. I chased the main doctor responsible for his care down the hall.

  “Doctor, I am Paul’s only relative. I want to know the truth of what’s going on with him and what needs to be done.”

  The doctor looked me up and down. “What did you say your name was?”

  The nurse whispered something to him and then he turned back to me.

  “He looks to be out of the woods from a critical standpoint right now, but we don’t know the full extent of the damage to his legs and spine. We’re going to have to do more tests to determine that.”

  “You mean, if he can walk again?”

  “Yes. We seem to have stopped the internal bleeding, but now we need to figure out his next steps. He has to regain some of his strength first, though. You’ve had a good impact on him. Keep it up. I’ll check on him again later before I leave.”

  “Thank you, Doctor.”

  I turned back toward his room again. He was waiting for me.

  “So, what’s the verdict? Will I live?”

  We had never lied to each other, and I wasn’t going to now. He needed to know the truth.

  “Yes, my love, thankfully you will, but you have to regain your strength so you can continue your healing process. You are going to need all your strength to recoup from this, Paul. And I’m not kidding. I need you to get strong and get well. That means sleeping and eating well, and doing whatever the fuck they tell you to do. Are we good?”

  Still weak, he tried to laugh but it hurt. “Yes…my beauty…your wish is my command. I will do as told.”

  “Good, now sleep.”

  “Will you be here when I wake?”

  “I’m just going to go to the hotel, check in, shower, and come back to sleep next to you again tonight. Are you good with that, my love?”

  “Yes, as long as you hurry back…I’ve missed you so much…my insides hurt from the missing.”

  Leaning over the bed now, I kissed his lips to connect us. “My insides hurt from the missing. I told you, I’m only good with you.” My lips yearned for the feel of his skin on mine. It was the sweetest taste. My lips met his as my hands pushed back his hair, wet from perspiration, and I ran my fingers through those thick locks. “Hold on.” I went and got a washcloth from the bathroom and rinsed it with warm water. Taking the cloth, gently I washed his face and neck. Then I found a comb in the nightstand and ran it though his hair. He moaned his appreciation.

  “That feels so good. You always know how to please me, my love. Only you…” He grabbed my hand and held it tightly. There was a look in his eyes. I knew that look.

  “Don’t be afraid my love, I am here with you now. You are not alone, ever again. I promise.”

  The look vanished from his eyes, quickly replaced with the purest look of love staring straight back at me.

  Finishing up with the cloth, speaking to him softly, I said, “Now you look even better.”

  “I feel like a train hit me.”

  “Are you in pain? Tell me and I’ll get the nurse.”

  “A little…and I’m so thirsty.”

  I pushed the call button for the nurse, and when she came in I told her that he was in pain. “He gets his next dose in about a half hour. And you can only give him the ice chips next to the bed now.”

  Taking a few chips, I placed them in his mouth for him to suck on. It was obvious how much he enjoyed that simple little treat, and I gave him more when he was ready. Loving him all the while, I stroked or touched him just to be as close as possible.

  When she came to give him his pain needle, she told me he would probably fall asleep again.

  “Go, my beauty…go do your thing and come back to me. I’ll be here waiting.” Forever a jokester, that one line elicited a big smirk out of him. Relief that he would be okay let me laugh along with his attempt at humor.

  I kissed him once more and made to go to the hotel. He hung onto my hand as I started to go.

  “No worries, my love. I love you and will be back by your side as soon as humanly possible.”

  “Okay, my beauty.” And his hand dropped out of mine as the meds kicked in and he drifted off.

  * * * *

  Making my way to the hotel, slow now from exhaustion, he was all that my mind took in. His face when I’d first walked into the hospital room, and then the one when I left kept flashing before my eyes. My tired, worn-out eyes kept misting over. My heart urged me on.

  After getting to the hotel and into the room, I took a nice hot shower and blew my hair out pretty quickly, then ordered some nourishment. Once I finished eating, I grabbed my bag and headed back to Paul. It was a mad dash to get back. Pushing myself was the only option.

  It was turning toward night now in Belfast. The hospital was quieter as visitors were leaving. My focus, though, remained getting to and being with Paul. Stopping at the nurses’ station on my way to his room, I checked in with them to see if there was any news on his condition. They said he seemed to be resting comfortably, and one nurse even told me that he’d asked after me. He asked if she had seen me. I thanked them, and then headed down the hall to be with him again.

  Thinking on how he was asking for me, I had to wipe away tears that fell as I walked as fast as I could. I’m coming, love, my heart spoke to his. I was still in disbelief that this had actually happened to him, but when I opened the door to his room, reality smacked me in the face. There he was all weak and helpless, struggling just to survive the tragedy that had befallen him. Keep it together, I told myself.

  His eyes opened to greet me. My smile told him that I was real indeed. I went toward the bed and touched his arm tenderly. Taking off my shoes, I
pulled back his covers slightly and made my way next to him again. They had disconnected a few wires, making my trek to his side easier. His warmth engulfed me.

  “Beauty…my beauty…”

  “Hush now, my love. We need to let the healing begin. I’m here, and I’m staying here. Sleep, my everything.”

  “You…feel…so good. Thank you for saving me. I…love you.” He still struggled to speak.

  “Paul…please, we don’t need words to speak what’s in our hearts. I would do anything for you. No thanks are necessary. I love you, too. Better together.”

  “Better together…”

  “Let yourself fall asleep with me next to you…please.”

  My head found the natural curve in his shoulder, and I finally rested safe by his side. We both fell into a deep, heavy sleep. No amount of beeping or bright lights could keep us from resting peacefully in each other’s orbit. Outside, the city was bustling, people moving everywhere, but there in that small hospital room, we were the cosmos.

  * * * *

  At six o’clock in the morning the nurses and doctors came to do their rounds. They found us wrapped up together. It was the noise and the awareness of people milling around in the room that called me to wake. I urged myself up. Looking up at Paul, I could see he was already awake, holding me with one arm and just looking at me. Groggy, my smile seemed half-crooked, but he didn’t care.

  “Good morning, beautiful…I think they want to look at me now.”

  “Very funny.” He was joking. This was a good sign. “Excuse me…sorry…” I crawled out of the bed and made my way to the chair.

  They proceeded to examine him and ask him questions. It seemed that he was improving, but by the looks on their faces, I couldn’t tell anything. They poked and prodded him. He moaned, and I took it they were paining him with their manipulations. But he was a trooper.

  The lead doctor spoke first. “Mr. Wickham, I’ve ordered a CAT scan to see the extent of the damage. If you only have broken legs, we will reset them in air casts so we can get you up on crutches and moving. We would like to get you up as soon as possible.”

  “What if there is spinal damage and I can’t walk?”

  “Let’s take it one step at a time. They’ll be around for you after breakfast. I’m hoping for some answers later today. I’ll be back once more to discuss our findings.”

  “Thank you, Doctor.”

  The team of doctors left, and the nurse stayed behind. “I need to bathe him now before breakfast. Perhaps you would like to get a bite and come back after?”

  “Yes, that’s a good idea. You look like you need some coffee. Please take care of yourself for me.”

  “Nurse, if you give me everything that I’ll need, I would like to bathe him myself.”

  “But miss—”

  “Just bring me what I need, please.” My eyes begged for her cooperation.

  “I’ll be right back.”

  I followed her out to the corridor to ask some specifics about the wires and how much of him I could literally wash. She was explicit and told me to wash wherever there might be perspiration. She said she would do his hair tomorrow if they could get him up, and if not, in a wheelchair. That required greater training than I had. I had to acquiesce to her.

  She brought fresh warm towels, washcloths, a large wash basin, and a bar of soap. I asked for some shaving cream and a razor.

  “You’re so silly, woman.”

  “Well, I’ve seen it done in the movies, so hard can this be?”

  I filled the basin full of very warm water, gently soaped up the washcloth, and started with his face. When I got to his ears, I gently bit on a clean one. It made him laugh. I moved to his neck and then toweled off that part of him. I didn’t want him to feel chilled.

  “Now, my love, I’m going to throw back the covers. If you feel cold let me know and I’ll cover you back up.”

  My hands lovingly cleaned him from head to toe, washing, refilling, and drying him off as I went. He watched me the entire time, especially when I travelled to those marvelous places of him that were ever so private between us.

  “You really going there?”

  “Yes, of course. You’ve been through so much, and I want you to be comfortable.”

  “But they’ve put a catheter in me and it’s embarrassing.”

  “Paul, nothing is embarrassing between two lovers. Remember the first time I farted in your presence and I was mortified? You told me then that nothing is embarrassing between two lovers. Do you remember?”

  “Yes, thank you for that endearing reminder.” His voice was sarcastic, and his face twisted into a fake grimace.

  “Now, let me do my job. You know how I like to do a job well.” I smirked at him.

  “I just hope we don’t get the boner problem, because there is no fixing it at the moment.”

  “You’ll owe me one.”

  He was indeed hot and sweaty, but I had seen it all before. This time, though, he needed me to help him. I washed him here, there, and everywhere I could. All that mattered was making him feel comfortable.

  The most careful of tasks came next. I put a towel on his chest and around his neck and went to look in my bag for my manicure scissors. Thankfully, I had remembered to pack them. One always needed a pair of scissors in a pinch.

  “Okay, Paul, you’re going to have to trust me on this one.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Your beard has become unruly and long. You almost look like a mountain man. So, I’m just going to trim it up a bit.”

  “Yep, you’re right…I’m going to have to trust you.” He shot me a look of fake trepidation.

  Taking the comb from the night table and using the scissors, I very slowly set out to trim his bushy beard back into some semblance of his normal looking self. I got it to a length that looked good and left it there.

  “Okay, now I need to shave around, and you need to be still.”

  “Yes sir!” He tried to reach around to grab my ass but couldn’t make it. I leaned a little up and forward so he could succeed. “Ah, this is so nice.”

  “There will be none of that now…but when you get well, there will plenty of that, and so much more. Now behave!”

  Shaving just to give his beard some kind of shape was easy. Not being affected by his eyes beseeching me for understanding was so hard, those blue eyes that penetrated my being with a love so strong.

  “You’ll be okay, my love,” I whispered in his ear, and kissed pieces of him nearby.

  “Better together,” he returned with his eyes closed now.

  “There you go, my love, you look like you again. There’s a mirror in the drawer if you want to see.”

  “Nope, I’m good in your hands.”

  “And besides, you can always fix it when you are back up again.”

  “I hope I’ll be back up again.” Fear returned.

  “It’s scary for sure. I’m here for you. We will walk this journey of healing together. Think positive. Positive always brings positive. We need to sweep away the negative and just focus on where you need to go.”

  “Hmm, where did that cynical lady go that turned me on so hard at the sushi restaurant?”

  “She was converted by your love.”

  “Come here.” He grabbed my arm and pulled me toward him. Our lips naturally met once more, comforting one another with a love that had evolved to yet another level.

  When I was finally all done I went to get the nurse, who came back in with a colleague and together they changed his bed. His whole demeanor transformed, looking to be more on the road to recovery. He sat tall and proud once more.

  When they came around to get him for the scan, I did go get some coffee and a quick bite, and then went back to his room, waiting for him to come back. I also took the opportunity to splash some water on my face and run a brush though my hair. Looking in the mirror, a very tired version of me stared back. When he was out of the woods, I would definitely need to find time for more
sleep.

  On a gurney, they wheeled him back in at around eleven o’clock in the morning, looking a little rough from the ordeal. The orderlies transferred him to his bed.

  “Hey, you need to rest now and get some sleep.”

  “Will you come rest next to me? It helps me fall asleep easier.”

  “Yes, of course.” I crawled in next to him. He put his arm around me as best he could. “I must really smell bad.”

  “Nah, you always smell so fucking good to me, like fresh cut lilies actually. Listen, I need to tell you a few things.”

  Having no idea what he was going to say, I tensed up.

  “Anne, why did you just freeze on me?”

  “I don’t know, I guess I’m just scared what you might say.”

  “Don’t be afraid, ever, of what I might say. It’s always from a place of love. I just really wanted to tell you how much it means to me to have you here, how much it means that you came to be with me, and honestly, I think you really did save me. I don’t think I would have made it without you. There are some foggy memories of hearing your voice over and over, asking me to please open my eyes. It was the sound of your voice, or perhaps the feel of you next to me, that forced me to wake. As sick as I was, the excitement of seeing you took over. I was so miserable without you, so down and depressed.”

  He had mirrored my own feelings.

  “I didn’t know that. I thought you were coping. Had you been upfront, I would have told you that I was going through the exact same thing. It was so hard.”

  “Now, I don’t know what I can offer you. I don’t know what will be. You deserve so much more than to care for a crippled man.”

  “Are you serious? Are you for real? I’m getting so mad at you right now for even saying that. First, I have to believe that you’ll be okay with time. But let’s say the worst-case scenario happens…do you think I’m that shallow that I want more, when I already have everything here with you?”