Only Good With You

by Zoey Kinsman

  She took a break to gather up her emotions and thoughts. I stayed quiet out of respect for someone who had obviously had a bad turn of events with a man she loved dearly.

  Then she continued. “We agreed that during the hiatus last season we would take a break to really think about where we were going. He asked for time to think through his emotions and what he really wanted. It was never a question of not enough love, but more of what he wanted at that time in his life. If he had asked me to wait, I would have.”

  “So, what happened?”

  “You happened. When he met you, he shifted gears.” She looked away, and instead of hating her, I felt pity. If someone had come along and taken Paul away from me, I would have been devastated, too. But then my heart spoke its own truth.

  “Valerie, you have to know that if he really loved you enough, nothing would have stood in his way, least of all me.”

  “Maybe you are right, but I’m asking you for a chance here. I’ll never know unless I see this through to a natural conclusion. We are good together. We get each other. And Anne, I don’t mean to be cruel, but I can give him what he needs and wants most. With you, there would be no children and no growing old together, because frankly, you’ve already been there. I’m sorry to be so honest, but it needs to be said. I don’t think you see it, neither does he. He’s blinded by love now, but what about in ten years when he thinks of the children he could have had and other things he could have done? Do you really want to take that away from him?”

  What could I say to that? She had stunned me silent now with reason and logic. It felt like a blow to the guts.

  “I’m not sure, Valerie. I don’t know. What you’re saying makes sense on certain levels. Paul is a very complicated man. There is nothing easy about him. I need to think about it. I need to think what’s in his best interests and my own. I can’t give you answers now.”

  “I understand. I’m just asking you to think about what I’ve said.”

  “Yes, I can promise you that I will seriously think about what you’ve said. I just want what’s best for him and for him to be happy. I think you want the same, right?”

  “Yes, of course. Let me know what you think when you can.”

  She got up and left me sitting there alone with my thoughts and all the surprises she had thrown out. He had never told me how far their relationship had progressed, or how much history they shared. This gave new light to it. I was conflicted as to how much importance to place on it. These were the missing intangible pieces I didn’t have before.

  Slowly I made my way back to the hospital as my mind raced around with thoughts of them actually together. How much did I owe her? More importantly, how much did I owe him? Was I truly depriving him of a different and maybe more rewarding chance at life?

  Back in his room, he quizzed me repeatedly about my conversation with Valerie. I wasn’t ready to talk so I kept diverting him, telling him it was just girl-talk and not to worry, and that it went well. He seemed to buy it for now.

  Chapter 12

  We were coming to the end of week four of his recovery and he was making great gains. He was totally self-sufficient. They had only kept him in the hospital longer to ensure he was healing well from the internal bleeding and to offer him intensive physical therapy. But now they started to talk about releasing him and letting him continue his physiotherapy as an out-patient. He wanted to work out more at the gym, too, and they were going to speak with his trainer about a gentle reintroduction. It was all good news, except that there was still the question of Valerie.

  One night at dinner with a few of his friends, I decided to bring up the topic to see what reaction I would elicit, or any information. They looked stunned that I would even mention her name. The general consensus was that they had appeared to be good together, except obviously it seemed that Paul didn’t love her enough if he had gone off with me. Was I really some vixen who had stolen another woman’s man away from her? I argued that he never would have gone if he really loved her. They just nodded, looked away, or fooled around with the food on their plate to appear distracted. No one wanted to get into the topic any further. There was obviously more there, but I let it go. I probably didn’t want to know more either.

  That night back at his place, with all his belongings surrounding me, with the wood fireplace lit and the smell of smoky wood all around, I tackled the subject in my mind. I thought to call Trish, but I knew her answer. She would never sanction me leaving him for any reason. She was a big believer in love trumps all. His scent permeated the place as well, so comforting and making any kind of sacrifice almost impossible. I was never happier in my entire life. But this really wasn’t about me. No matter what, I would always be grateful to him for all he’d brought, knowing full well that I would never allow myself to love again. It was too big an emotional investment for one who had a Grumpy Cat sitting, waiting in anticipation of the worst. We’d had a good run. I had to let him move on to the next phase of his life. The decision was made.

  I just wanted one more time with him. I needed it and deserved it. It would have to last me a lifetime.

  * * * *

  The next day, back in his room, which had become a very familiar space for both of us, I teased him that it was time.

  “Time for what, my beauty?” His smile was huge, and those eyes turned on in an instant. His body looked ready to take on the challenge.

  Closing the door tightly and pulling the curtain around his bed, I motioned for him to follow me. I crawled in on my right side and motioned for him to spoon me from behind, figuring from behind would be best for him since he could keep his right leg on top of me. I slowly rocked up and down on his shaft. He was hard in a minute. He grabbed me tighter into him, moaning and kissing my neck and back. I reached back for his lips and tongue. He was so willing. The heat between us rushed and pulsed through our bodies. We were high with lust, longing and love.

  “Lower your pants, baby, I need you in me.”

  “Lower yours, too, I want to feel your pussy wet and throbbing for me.”

  He was so shocked to discover I had no panties on and was turned on even more by my daring.

  “Oh…beauty…fuck, you are making me crazy.” Then he took over and struck me hard and strong from behind. Everything within me opened and welcomed him.

  “Touch me everywhere, baby…I need you so much…”

  We rocked furiously back and forth, his thrust longer and harder every time, trying to please me. My tiny moans made his pleasure even greater. Body and soul were lost in him. His unique scent, his knowing touch enveloped my senses and shattered my being. Trembling with joy, his warm release was my satisfaction. No matter who or what came and went in his life, we would always have this unbreakable bond created in that very moment, indescribable, resilient, and unconditional. I would love him enough to let go. Yes, I would love him enough, inside out.

  My tears fell so freely, till I was sobbing uncontrollably in his arms.

  He looked perplexed. “What is it, my beauty? Talk to me, please.”

  “It’s just that I love you so much. I think I’m only good with you, and I’m so happy you’re getting well again. Your wellness and happiness are everything to me.” It was truth.

  “I’m only good with you, too. You need to know that. Know that…please know that.”

  “Shhh, my love, hold me in your wonderful arms.”

  He pulled up his pants and I did the same. We rested, cuddled up, for at least an hour, or maybe it was till the nurse came and caught us in our compromising position. We both blushed bright red, laughed, and I made my way to the chair beside his bed yet again.

  She checked his vitals and we looked at each other, knowing that his heart was still racing. Mine would forever race toward his.

  * * * *

  That night, I called the airlines and made a reservation for the next night back to L.A. My heart was broken. I heard the tear; it was like the sound of paper ripping apart, quick and piercing. />
  Packing up my things, I knew this was our last night together. Tomorrow after our discussion, I would pick up those bags and head straight to the airport, not looking back.

  By my departure, Valerie would have her answer. I trusted her to pick up the pieces and move on with him, to love him enough, too.

  Tears were my new companion. I wondered if I would ever feel anything again. Lying in his bed for the last time, I decided to take something of his that had his scent on it, figuring that when I was ready, it might be a joyful reminder. Although right now, anything that brought back memories were just too painful and made the tears flow once more. Fuck you, Paul Wickham, for finding me. Fuck you!

  * * * *

  It happened fast. Any slower and I wouldn’t have been able to resist him. He was sitting by the window. The sun shone once more on his countenance, as if chosen by a force greater than us. His face turned to receive the light and warmth. When I entered his hospital room, he was already waiting for me. He had already searched for me. My heart tried to beckon me back from the edge.

  I took the other chair and put it opposite him so we could look at each other as we spoke. Reaching across, he took my hands in his. I tried to resist, but it was futile. I would have to be stronger.

  “I've noticed that your good friend Valerie comes around every day to visit you.”

  “Are you jealous or worried, my beauty? Because honestly, there is nothing for you to worry about. She’s just been a good friend, like you say. I appreciate that. We talk about the show and the industry, that’s all. And she gets that my heart is with you.”

  “I know, Paul, and I’m not jealous, honestly. What I see is a deep connection between two people who care for each other. That’s good. You both are actually very good friends who liked to fuck. So, perhaps that’s the perfect combination. Maybe that’s what it takes to make a real relationship work.”

  “Yes, liked to fuck, past tense. You and I are also good friends, but I love you and we don't just fuck.”

  “I've just been seriously thinking that maybe you really need to take another hard look at Valerie. What are you really feeling about her, and what are you perhaps denying?”

  “I know myself well, Anne, and I’m not denying anything. It’s you that I love and want to be with…unless you no longer want to be with me?”

  “Don’t be silly. I want to be with you more than anything in life, but the reality is that Valerie can give you what I can’t. She can give you that life together with children and growing old together. I’m already there. I’m ahead of you.”

  “Oh, it’s this talk again, your insecurities. Get it together once and for all and believe that it’s you that I want, without reservation.”

  “Paul, please listen to me…you don't know what you’re talking about. You’ll have missed out on so much more of what you could have done if I wasn’t there. You deserve to have a family, to have children, and to grow old with a true friend. I’m asking you to give her a chance.”

  The look of shock on his face was startling. But I had to plow on so he would get my point.

  “If you love me like you say, you will do this for me. I love your guts madly, and because I love your guts I want you to be happy more than anything in my entire life. Do this for me. Give it an honest to goodness try. I’m begging you to do this for me.”

  “You are out of your mind, and you are hurting me beyond belief.”

  “Good, hate me then. I don’t care if you hate me as long as you are happy.”

  “I will never be happy without you.”

  “You will, you will do it for me. When I read that you married her and when I read that you started a family and when I read that you are happy, then I will know I did the right thing by you.”

  “How can you do this to me?”

  “Love calls me to act unselfishly.”

  “No, you are being totally selfish. You are thinking only of relieving your conscience from some preconceived idea that I would have less or be less with you. You couldn’t be more wrong.”

  “I've made up my mind. I'm begging you to do this for me. She loves you. It is so evident. Give her a chance. Give yourself a chance.”

  He was silent.

  “I’m leaving tonight. I’ve booked my flight back to L.A.”

  “No…please…please…” His words were muffled by the heartbreak overwhelming him. Then one tear fell freely, followed by more. I couldn't look at him and still leave. If I touched him, I would not be able to leave either.

  “I love you, I will love you forever.” Pulling myself away from his magnetic pull, I stood and walked as fast as possible out of his hospital room and out of his life.

  Shredded pieces of my heart spewed wildly across the landscape of my life, once full of his love, now gone forever.

  * * * *

  Hailing a cab from the front of the hospital, I got to his place, grabbed my bags, and took that same cab back to the airport to make my way home.

  My cell beeped non-stop to alert me of messages. I didn’t look. I knew who they were from and why. He was trying to stop me. Maybe one day he might find me again, this time to thank me. Justifying the enormous pain in my being was all I could do to survive.

  Constantly wiping away tears, I saw people looking and staring at me, some with concern and some with pity. Why was this woman crying in a big metropolis airport so openly? It didn’t matter…nothing mattered anymore.

  I checked into first class and went to wait in the lounge area until they called for my flight to board. In a corner, away from the crowds, I couldn’t resist and took one quick glance at my phone. He was begging me to stay and talk it through with him some more, his love for me unendingly on display. It pained me further.

  Once firmly planted in my seat on the plane, my cell stopped beeping. There was no more Wi-Fi service available. I probably would get a barrage of messages when I landed, but I decided that I wouldn’t be looking. It was too much to handle.

  The flight finally took off. I looked down over Belfast as we flew away. My greatest love was somewhere down there, left behind. For the first time ever, I ordered booze on a plane. I had two glasses of cheap wine and fell fast asleep, leaving the hurt and pain momentarily behind.

  Waking just before landing in L.A., I was just going through the motions. Like the plane, I found myself on auto-pilot. I grabbed my stuff to exit as soon as we landed, and readied myself, numb and stunned, to start a life without him. It was hard to fathom having great love in your life one moment, and the next to live in the vacuum created without it. It felt and smelled like death. Steadfast, I reassured myself that I had done the right thing by him. He’d be happy eventually, I’d suffer, and such was life. That’s how I rationalized it in my mind as the plane touched down.

  I made it home. That cool minimalistic space that helped me survive once by keeping it all simple was once again calming and soothing. I knew where everything was and how to navigate my way. Who needed complicated, right? It was early morning. When people were rising to go to work as I had done so many times, I pulled back the drapes and went to bed. Exhaustion, both emotional and mental, had taken over. But first, I cried for about an hour, seeing his face and presence everywhere, remembering his touch on me. I let my body naturally drift off to sleep.

  I woke in the afternoon when my home phone rang. Yeah, I still had one of those. It was Trish.

  “Hey Trish, how’s it going?”

  “Listen, Anne, I know what’s gone down. I couldn’t find you, so I called Paul’s agent and got Paul’s number. He told me the whole story. He’s so worried about you. I am, too. Can I come by?”

  “I’m not ready to talk. I need some more time. I’m kind of really raw right now. I’ll be in tomorrow and we can catch up.”

  “What should I tell him?”

  “Tell him I’m okay. That’s all.”

  “Is it true?”

  “No, I’m a bloody mess.” I cried anew, blubbering on the phone.


  “Anne, are you sure you don’t want me to come by, maybe bring dinner and we can talk?”

  “Yeah, I’m sure. We’ll talk tomorrow, and maybe do dinner one night this week. But I have to try to get it together so I can function.”

  “Well, you know I’m here for you. By the way, his agent called, too.”

  “Let him know I will get back to him when I can. That’s all you say.”

  “Got it. I love you, dear friend, and you’re not alone even though you feel right now that you need to be. I get it, but as of tomorrow, I’m not letting you out of my sight.”

  I laughed through my muffled sobs.

  “I’m so sorry you’re hurting…so very sorry. I think the two of you were really good together, and you must have had good reasons for doing what you did. I know you wouldn’t act hastily.”

  “You’re right. It ripped me apart to leave.” The tears flowed again. “Trish, I love you, too, but I’ve got to go now. See you tomorrow.”

  “Love you back, and see you tomorrow.”

  I sat in my bed, looking at different pictures of him on my laptop, and remembered every journey or revelation we had experienced together. Then I cried some more. He was such a great human. My sacrifice was enormous, and I missed him already. How was I ever going to survive a life without him? I had to come up with a plan.

  Showering and getting into bed, weak from all the travelling and thinking, I took a sleeping pill and helped myself get right. With a good night’s sleep maybe things would look better in the morning. Turning off my cell, I let the fifty-four unread messages from him just sit there. Maybe one day I’d read them, maybe not. My future was unsure.