Dark Terrors 5 - The Gollancz Book of Horror - [Anthology]
Page 35
‘Fairies!’ she shrieked. Mother snorted in impatience. Dogs began to bark.
First only the neighbour’s dog Bandy, then the dogs across the street, then more dogs, hundreds. Above the howling, Allie could hear the sound of fairy voices. Not laughing now, not singing.
Screaming at full volume.
Allie screamed too, not because she wanted to, but because of the pain in her head. Her mother twisted her ear, then suddenly let go and began screaming. Then her father bellowed. Both had their eyes squeezed shut, their hands over their ears.
Glass shattered.
And Bobby screamed.
Bobby had probably been screaming all along, but the bottle muffled his voice.
‘Bobby! Bobby, I’m coming, Bobby!’ Allie, suddenly free, jerked away from her mother and ran down the stairs.
Bobby lay among shards of glass, blood running from cuts on his arms, torso, legs, face, all over.
She had always thought of Bobby as, well, short. He would never be any taller than the bottle he was in, she thought. But now he lay, a grey-white snail free of its shell, on the kitchen landing. His legs, twisted as they were, were long. His hands lapped uselessly at the end of rubbery, snake-like arms. In the uncoiling, his sex parts were revealed, and Allie was deeply embarrassed to see that he had hair and genitals just like those in a marriage manual she had sneaked a peek at once.
Bobby flailed, yelling and weeping, trying to coil up into the protective unborn shape in which he had spent his whole life. Allie knelt amidst the broken glass and tenderly picked shards out of Bobby’s face.
Someone was pounding at the back door now. Mom and Dad shuffled down the stairs and, holding hands tightly, gazed in uncertain dread as two policemen kicked the door in.
The dogs stopped barking.
Mary A. Turzillo lives in Ohio, where she once taught art and theatre students at Kent State University. She quit teaching four years ago to write full time. She has published two volumes of criticism, two chapbooks of poetry, and had stories in such magazines as Interzone, The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction, Science Fiction Age, Weird Tales, Asimov’sandRedbook,along with appearances in various anthologies. She placed second in the 1997 Rhysling Awards and was a finalist for the British Science Fiction Association Award and a winner of the 1999 Nebula Award. She is currently working on a novel about a Martian serial murderer. About her contribution to this volume, the author reveals: ‘This story is autobiographical. The fairies were real; I saw them. And although I don’t have a brother, my mother’s best friend did have Williams syndrome. I admit the bottle came out of a history textbook two of my students showed me. My parents would never do that to me or my sister.’
<
* * * *
Going to Series
KIM NEWMAN
MEMO
From: Tiny Chiselhurst, producer/creator
To: April Treece, junior researcher
Re: Untitled Docusoap/Gameshow Pilot
Here’s final draft of the flyer. Every word approved by Dr Wendel and Miss Lark as calculated to reach the cross-section of personality types we need.
EVERYDAY MEGASTARS WANTED
Is this you? 18-45, sexy, extrovert, killer body, unconventional, tagged ‘difficult’ by lesser mortals, ambitious, unattached, competitive, ‘bonkers’, up for anything? Apply: Mythwrhn Productions, Box 101, Leech Pyramid Plaza, London Docklands.
As a classified ad, this is to go into the following periodicals: Big Bazookas, theSunday Comet, the Nazi Atrocities part-work, Young Offender, Pop Hitz and Shy Girl Monthly. As a flyer, it is to be distributed via inner city clubs, comic shops, student union buildings, social security offices and police stations. We agree that we should target especially the waiting rooms of probation officers and court-approved psychotherapists, the business places of drugs and weapons dealers, abortion and VD clinics, all-night casualty wards, Young Conservative meetings, and pubs that cater to the motorcycle, rugby football, slag-on-the-pull and stockbroking communities. Word from the top of the Pyramid is that Cloud 9 (Derek Leech!) is really hyped on this project, so let’s get things moving.
* * * *
SERIES PROPOSAL
This seven-part (initial run) series combines three of the most popular (and, let’s face it, economical) TV formats of the last ten years: fly-on-the-wall docusoap, slags-on-holiday mock doc and sci-fi/adventure gameshow. A group of charismatic, sexy young chicks and chaps, strangers to each other, are brought together in a luxurious, Bond-style environment (country estate, mountaintop hunting lodge, beach house) and have to spend a week together. Cut off from civilisation, the contestants (subjects, stars?) are in contact with a host - we think we can get US smartmouth obonxio-comic Barry Gatlin, but other options are Ruby Wax or someone off Star Trek - who communicates via video-link each evening and sets tasks and competitions, which range from puzzle-solving exercises through treasure hunting on the grounds of the luxury retreat and harmless combat games to how-low-can-you-go? gross-out or endurance dares . Meanwhile, the stars are on camera day and night; we trust that days of strenuous competition will be followed by evenings of unwinding in wild, entertaining and provocative manners. Over the course of the week, we will see how each contestant scores, in every imaginable way.
Tiny Chiselhurst, Creator and Owner
[NB: THIS IS FOR SENDING TO THE APPLICANTS ONLY, AND SHOULD UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES BE CONFUSED WITH THE REAL SERIES PROPOSAL, WHICH IS AVAILABLE ON AN EYES ONLY NEED-TO-KNOW BASIS TO SECURITY-CLEARED INSIDERS AT MYTHWRHN AND CLOUD 9 - TINY]
Dear Potential Megastar,
Thank you for your interest. Please fill in the attached form and return it to me at Mythwrhn Productions.
This isn’t an exam: the answers you give aren’t right or wrong, but will help us determine whether you are the type of person for our show. Don’t think too hard or try to give answers you think we want. Be yourself.
All forms are confidential.
Best wishes,
April Treece, Researcher
* * * *
ARE YOU A MEGASTAR?
1: Please write your name, age, contact details, next of kin, and rough annual income.
2: Sex?
... male.
... female.
... yes, please!
... don’t know.
3: How many jobs have you had since leaving school?
4: Do you feel yourself to be ...
... attractive to the opposite sex.
... unattractive to the opposite sex.
... attractive to the same sex.
... horny.
... a love god/goddess in the flesh.
5: How many sex partners have you had per year, on average, since the age of twelve?
6: Do you feel yourself to be...
... more intelligent than the average.
... less intelligent than the average.
... of average intelligence.
... too intelligent to be measured by this stupid question.
... a real Brainiac.
... a spoon.
7: If attacked in your home, what household items would you use to defend yourself?
8: Which of these describes you?
... a conformist.
... a maverick.
... a team-player.
... scary.
... a tosser.
... a leader.
... a nurturer.
... a bitch.
... the best there is at what you do.
... a disappointment.
9: Have you ever broken a law and not been caught? If so, please give details.
10: Would you be willing to do severe harm to ...
... an enemy soldier on a battlefield.
... a violent criminal threatening your mother.
... a Member of Parliament.
... a spastic.
... your mother.
... a wounded animal.
... a stranger.
.
.. no one at all, under any circumstances.
... a television personality.
... a former boy or girlfriend who treated you badly.
11: Would you have sex with someone unappealing just because they were famous, notorious, physically unusual, or on television? If you have, please give details.
12: When Bambi’s mother was shot, what was your reaction?
... it was very tragic and sad.
... the bitch got what she deserved.
... venison pies, yum!
... Bambi ought to avenge his family.
... Who’s Bambi?
13: Have you ever written an anonymous letter or made a prank phone call? If so, please give details.
14: When you broke up with your last boy or girlfriend, was it...
... just one of those things.
... all for the best, really.
... your fault
... their fault.
... a prelude to revenge.
... one more fucking thing on your plate.
... never had a boy or girlfriend, and don’t much like the sound of it.
15: Would you play a computer game called Dunblane Massacre?
16: Have you ever...
... performed in a karaoke pub.
... had sex with two or more partners simultaneously.
... experienced memory loss after alcohol or drug intake.
... been on television.
... considered joining the armed forces.
... had sex in a public place,
... used terms of racial (‘nigger’, ‘chink’) or sexual (‘cunt’, ‘queer’) abuse in general conversation.
... deliberately botched a job interview.
... stalked a celebrity.
... got your own back on someone who had done you a wrong.
17: Which of the Spice Girls would you most like to rape?
18: Do you believe in ...
... UFO abductions.
... Our Lord, Jesus Christ.
... other people’s pain.
... microwaves.
... ghosts.
... an eye for an eye.
... Swedish Sin.
... yourself.
... turning the other cheek.
... capital punishment.
19: When was the last time you were really happy? Please give details. If never, please give details.
20: Could you take a week off from your life/work/family to star in a television series? Please answer honestly, to save time later.
* * * *
PRODUCTION SUB-MEETING, No. 19.
PRESENT, for MYTHWRHN PRODUCTIONS: April Treece (Featured Researcher), Claire Bates (Minion), Davinda Paquignet (Recording Angel).
BATES: Can I just say, off the record, how much I hate this proposal.
TREECE: Get in the queue, Claire. Tiny’s got this bonnet bee that they love it at the top of the Pyramid. It’s all the things Derek Leech, our ultimate lord and master at Cloud 9 Television, is supposed to be keen on. Cheap, crass, cruel and compulsive.
BATES: And crap!
TREECE: You might say that. I couldn’t possibly comment.
BATES: Dav, stop writing this down!
PAQUIGNET: Sorry, force of habit.
BATES: Ape, have you sorted through the completed forms?
TREECE: God, yes.
BATES: Where did we find these sickos?
TREECE: Milling about in general population.
BATES: ‘Which of the Spice Girls would you most like to rape?’ What sort of question is that? A bit sex-specific, surely.
TREECE: The responses are 75 per cent male.
BATES: Sur-prise.
TREECE: So far as we can tell. Those who ticked ‘yes, please’ for ‘sex?’ are sometimes hard to work out. And those are our pass applicants.
BATES: They’ll be men. Or really dim tarts.
TREECE: A frightening number of women responded. Some skipped the Spice question. Some didn’t. A few nominated male equivalents. You wouldn’t think anyone could have those fantasies about Frank Dobson or...
BATES: Ugh! Don’t say any more! I don’t want to know!
PAQUIGNET: I didn’t think it was possible to have the amount of sex most of these people say they have.
TREECE: Not if you work in television, it isn’t.
BATES: Too bloody right.
TREECE: Dr Wendel says to divide that answer by ten to get a proper figure. Except for the ones who claim to be virgins. Half of them aren’t lying.
PAQUIGNET: What about the lad who gave names and addresses? Are we supposed to phone the victims up to check him out?
TREECE: No wonder he can’t keep a steady girlfriend.
BATES: If you had a party, would you want any of these people to come?
TREECE: God, no. But this is Tiny’s baby, and we have to carry it to term, no matter how we feel. Look, Claire, it’s a looney idea and even Derek Leech wouldn’t seriously consider putting it out. We’re more likely to see live bullfighting on British TV than this horror, so we won’t get hurt. Let’s go as far with it as we have to before Tiny, inevitably, changes his mind.
BATES: I don’t want my name on any of the documentation, or a credit on any proposal or pilot. I’m serious. I don’t want a paper trail connecting me to this...this atrocity. Dav, stop bloody writing!
* * * *
Dear Loser
Thank you for your interest. Unfortunately, you are not the person we - or anyone else - are looking for at this time.
We wish you joy in your continued obscurity.
Sincerely,
April Treece, Rejecter-in-Chief
* * * *
MEMO
From: April Treece, senior researcher
To: Tiny Chiselhurst, producer/creator
Re: Horrible People Pilot
We sent out entry forms to the first 5,000 people who responded to the ad or the flyer and got 2,389 completed returns. I passed on the 968 papers with ‘yes, please!’ ticked for Question Two - the famous ‘trigger signal’ -to Dr Wendel and Miss Lark, who have evaluated them all and selected 178 ‘possibles’. I’m astonished not only at the number of people out there who have sent anonymous letters but are proud enough of the fact to boast about it at enormous length, continuing onto the other side of the paper, to strangers. As requested, I’ve sent a curt rejection letter to all 178 and ignored the rest.
I still don’t believe this is going to fly, or that even Cloud 9 will broadcast it if it does. That said, reading over the completed forms, I’m starting to understand why audiences might actually enjoy watching the show. Are real people really this awful? The runners have stuck up their favourite forms on the message board. At the moment, the champion is the Sporty Spice fan who would see off an attacker by taking a mouthful of bleach and offering a blow-job, though my clear winner is the ‘nurturer’ guy or girl (ambiguous name and no helpful answer to Q2) who claims to have shagged seven of Dr Who’s companions (not including K-9, I trust). Do we have a title yet?
* * * *
MEMO
From: Tiny Chiselhurst, producer/creator
To: April Treece, chief researcher
Re: Bedlam Unplugged
Any of the ‘possibles’ who get back to us to complain about the ‘Dear Loser’ letters should be invited for interview. Please note whether applicants complain via e-mail, telephone or the post, and pass print-outs, recordings and photocopies to Dr Wendel and Miss Lark. Anyone not classed as a ‘possible’ who complains we haven’t got back to them should also be considered for interview if the complaint shows the proper character type. Taking the usual wastage into account, we only need a dozen or so strong candidates.
I know the troops have their doubts about this, Ape, but I’ve got a gut feeling that it is going to be a winner! At present, Cloud 9 is inclining towards a neutral title like A Week Off or Microcosm, though I’m all for something as blunt as It’s a Madhouse! orThe Pit and cleverclogs Bender has voted for The Raft
of the Medusa. How does one go about offering someone a blow-job if one has a mouthful of bleach? Sign language. And if you threw a brick in the Soho House, you’d be lucky to hit someone who hadn’t shagged seven of Dr Who’s companions. Onwards and upwards!
* * * *
INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT, NO. 17.
APPLICANT: HARRY ‘DONGER’ BENNETT, 32.
FOR MYTHWRHN: Tiny Chiselhurst, Dr Vernon Wendel, Myra Lark, April Treece.
LARK: Harry...
BENNETT: Everyone calls me ‘Donger’. Ever since school.
LARK: Ah, Donger...first, we must apologise for the mix-up with the letter.
BENNETT: So you should. Nearly missed your chance there, didn’t you?
LARK: Indeed.
BENNETT: But I like your whole approach, really. ‘Dear Loser’. No poncing about there. Puts the losers right in their place. The real losers. I like to see that.