Take A Look At Me Now

by Miranda Dickinson

  ‘This again,’ Mrs Alfaro tutted, but the apples of her cheeks turned pink. ‘Always with the story.’

  ‘Well maybe I like stories, Esther. And maybe you do, too. Not that you’ll ever admit it, woman.’

  ‘Admit what? That I fell for a schmuck? I admit that every day.’

  He groaned and shrugged at me. ‘You see what happens when you say you love somebody? Years of this …’

  ‘Don’t pretend you don’t love it, Saul Alfaro.’

  Undeterred, Mr Alfaro leaned against the creaky back of his chair. ‘Do you know, Nellie, this woman made me sweat it out for months? Until one evening, after dinner at Friedrich’s – our favourite restaurant in Mission – when my time came to say it. I saw the candlelight illuminating Esther Miechowicz’s beautiful face and I just blurted it out. And do you know what she said to me, after all that agonising? “Finally, you tell me.” As matter-of-fact as you like! We were eating Wiener Schnitzel at the time and since then whenever I tell her I love her she says to me, “I think I smell Wiener Schnitzel.”’

  For a moment, Esther Alfaro completely forgot her exasperation with her husband of fifty-nine years, and exchanged smiles with him instead. It was nothing more than a fleeting gesture, but in that moment I understood why they had spent so many years together. All the bickering, the long sighs and the rolled eyes were revealed as nothing more than ripples on the surface of the ocean, the calm depths of their love far beneath being the real reason for the longevity of their marriage.

  I watched the sun glinting through the cream net curtains in the Alfaros’ apartment and asked myself the question. Was I in love? It was impossible to tell. What I felt for Max was completely different from how I’d felt with Aidan. Love with Aidan Matthews was comfortable and familiar, sometimes exciting when we fought or reunited after one of our many breaks. With Max I felt more confident in myself, as if we were more equally matched. But was that just because I was far from home, on an extended holiday where the cares of ordinary life were on hold? Soon I would be returning to the city where Aidan was waiting and I still had to decide how I felt about him. Would I feel the same about Max when he was thousands of miles away and my former flame was back in my life?

  At the beginning of my final week in San Francisco, Max took me to the dockside beside the Ferry Building on The Embarcadero as darkness was settling across the city. At night it was transformed into an illuminated landscape, the lights from the city skyscrapers in the Financial District painting trails into the inky black Bay waters. It was breathtaking – vibrant, alive and beautiful.

  ‘I wanted to show you this,’ Max said, taking my hand and leading me to the back of the Ferry Building, where a row of benches overlooked the Bay Bridge. When I saw it I lost my breath momentarily: the entire expanse of the Bay Bridge had been covered in millions of moving LED lights, painting its cables and towers with rippling, undulating movement that reflected in the water below. It was mesmerising.

  ‘Wow …’

  A cluster of people stood with us, a hushed awe falling on the dock as we watched the beautiful light show.

  Max’s arm moved around my shoulders. ‘Come on.’

  We walked away from the other onlookers into the darkness of the dock jetty further out into the Bay. Finding a bench, we sat down and kissed, the chill of evening air contrasting with the heat of each other’s mouths. Max pulled away to look at me, his fingers warm against my face and his eyes suddenly earnest and still.

  ‘I love you, Nell.’

  Stunned, I opened my mouth to reply, but his fingers fell across it.

  ‘Don’t say anything. Just hear me: I love you. I don’t know what that means for us but it’s how I feel.’

  A million thoughts raced through my mind at once, but I couldn’t have spoken even if I’d tried. I wanted to tell him how I felt, but strangely now was not the time. There was so much to think about with my days left in the city now down to single figures and passing faster than I wanted them to. If I was going to say something back, I had to think it through. I owed Max that much. Telling him I loved him meant questioning if we could ever make this work beyond my last day, with the challenge of the prohibitive distance between us and everything else it entailed.

  I thought about what he had said to me as I worked my final shifts at Annie’s. A deep sadness had already begun to tinge every task I performed, knowing that it was one less before I had to go home. I hated that all the things I loved about the temporary life I’d built in Haight-Ashbury now seemed to have countdown clocks attached to them. And I couldn’t think about Max without one appearing above the image of his lovely face, either. This time next week, I would be thousands of miles from him – from everything. It didn’t seem real.

  On my last day at the diner, Annie arranged for all the regular customers to gather together for goodbye drinks. Marty and Frankie were quite emotional as they drank to my future success, Marty blaming it on smoke from the kitchen.

  ‘That’s what you get for sitting too close to the hatch. I have smoke in my eyes.’

  ‘If that’s smoke in your eyes, Marty Mulhern, I’m George Clooney,’ Frankie chuckled, giving me a bristly hug so strong that it squeezed the breath out of my lungs. ‘Be happy, kid. It’s been an honour to know you.’

  ‘Friend me on Facebook,’ Laverne made me promise. ‘I want more of your recipes.’

  ‘Of course I will.’

  ‘Me too,’ Annie said, making Laverne and I collapse with laughter at the thought of the tough, life-hardened diner owner maintaining an online profile. ‘What? So I’m partial to social media. Sue me.’ She invited me to embrace her, which felt decidedly odd but was a lovely gesture. As we parted, she put her hand against my cheek. ‘Now you remember where I am if you need anything, you hear?’

  I smiled. ‘I will. Thank you.’

  Mr and Mrs Alfaro shuffled over to say goodbye. ‘Nell, it has been a pleasure,’ Mr Alfaro smiled. ‘I wish you every blessing.’

  ‘I think maybe this city stole your heart?’ Mrs Alfaro asked, her pale blue eyes conveying understanding beyond her words.

  ‘It has.’

  She took my hand between both of hers. ‘Then trust it to make all things possible. Love – love is the greatest mystery. When it’s around, anything can happen. Consider this: if Saul Alfaro can tell me he loves me and still be saying it occasionally after fifty-nine years, anything is possible.’

  ‘What’s with the “occasionally”? I tell you all the time, woman!’

  ‘If you do, I don’t hear it.’

  ‘Then you should buy a hearing aid. I love you. There. Heard that well enough, didn’t you?’ He grinned at me. ‘Love will solve the puzzles and straighten the knots, Nell. Just you remember that.’

  At the end of my shift I handed my apron and diner t-shirt to Annie, failing to keep my tears under control. She pushed them back at me.

  ‘You keep them, kid. Use them in that diner of yours, OK?’

  All too soon, my penultimate day in San Francisco arrived. Max had to attend a meeting about a prospective commission during the day, but he had promised we would spend our final night together.

  ‘I have somewhere really special for our last date,’ he promised. ‘I want to make the most of my last night with you.’

  Lizzie had cancelled her morning piano lessons to spend the time with me. We headed to the boutiques of Ghirardelli Square so that I could buy gifts for my parents and Vicky. Going gift shopping reminded me that I was just one of the many tourists visiting San Francisco, bringing me back to earth.

  At lunchtime we returned to Lizzie’s apartment, preparing the bags of ingredients for my last S-O-S Club session.

  ‘Feels weird to be doing this for the last time.’

  Lizzie sighed. ‘I know. Thank you for everything you’ve done for the kids, hun. They’re all going to miss you terribly.’

  ‘I’ll miss them too. I’ve had such an incredible time getting to know them all.’

 
; As we travelled along now familiar streets on my final journey to Mission, I thought about my last date with Max tonight. It was crazy to be even considering it, but I had decided to say something. He might say no – and who would blame him if he did? Long distance relationships rarely worked, especially those formed from holiday romances. It wasn’t realistic but then when was anything in love?

  ‘I’m going to tell Max I love him tonight,’ I told Lizzie quickly, before I had time to think better of it.

  My cousin’s mouth dropped open. ‘Oh Nell – are you sure?’

  I laughed at the ridiculousness of the situation. ‘Not at all. But it’s my last night here and if I don’t tell him now I might never get the chance again.’

  ‘How would it work? You’re not going to be able to afford a flight out here again for some time and I don’t think Max will find it easy to travel to you. Do you really think it has the potential to be more?’

  I was amazed by how much I did. ‘This isn’t what I thought would happen and it won’t affect my plans for my own business. But I need to tell him what I feel is far beyond a holiday romance. I love him. And he needs to know that.’

  Tyler was waiting for us when we arrived at Sacred Heart Elementary, a gift-wrapped hooded sweatshirt with the school logo on it as a present from the school.

  ‘We’ll miss you,’ he said. ‘Thanks for everything you’ve done.’

  ‘It’s been my pleasure,’ I replied, accepting his strong hug. ‘Promise me you’ll take good care of my cousin.’

  An enormous smile broke across Tyler’s face. ‘Now that will be my pleasure, Nell.’ Having seen them together over the last few weeks and how much in love they seemed to be, I had no doubt that Lizzie and Tyler had much happiness ahead of them.

  Lizzie helped me set up the Bake Zone for the last time. Each wooden spoon, bowl and bag of ingredients I put out around the table I took time to place, picturing the faces of the children who would be using them. Maya, JJ, Bonita, LeSean, Tommy, Madison, Declan, Eva … Children who, minutes later, burst into the hall in a blur of flung coats, loud screams and scurrying feet as S-O-S Club roared into life again.

  Watching their games, I knew I was going to miss them so much. The thought of it brought a rush of tears and I had to duck into the kitchen until they subsided.

  ‘I’m gonna miss you, Nell.’

  I wiped my eyes quickly on my shirtsleeve and turned back to see the mournful faces of Eva and Maya, which set me off again. I took their hands as we walked back into the school hall. ‘Oh poppets, I’ll miss you both too.’

  ‘Why do you have to go back to England?’ Maya asked.

  ‘Because it’s where I live.’

  Eva gazed up at me. ‘Why can’t you live here? Lizzie’s from England and she lives here now.’

  Tears glistened in Eva’s eyes as she looked up at me. ‘It’s like when Mary Poppins says goodbye to Jane and Michael. I hate that part.’

  I smiled at her but my heart was breaking. ‘But they’re happy, aren’t they? Because she’s fixed everything with their dad so they can be a family. And another family needs her.’

  She sniffed. ‘I guess. But it still sucks.’

  All too soon, the session came to an end and the children solemnly made a line to say goodbye to me as their parents began to arrive. I tried not to cry but it was a futile attempt. The gifts the children brought for me, including a good luck card they had all signed (complete with feathers which I guessed were stuck on at Maya’s insistence), almost destroyed me. Saying goodbye to little JJ, shy Declan, confident LeSean and sweet Maya was hard, especially because I was trying so hard to smile with each parting. With every hug I shared the ache grew and by the time Eva reached me I was a mess. Scooping her into a huge hug I felt her little frame shaking in my arms as she sobbed loudly.

  ‘Don’t cry, lovely. You’re my superstar. I need you to help Lizzie and make sure my baking class know what they’re doing, OK?’

  ‘OK.’ She accepted the tissue I offered her and dabbed her nose. ‘Will you come and say bye to Mom?’

  I smiled. ‘Of course I will.’

  Lizzie gave me a sympathetic look as I took Eva’s hand and walked towards the group of parents gathering at the door.

  ‘This your last time, Nell?’ JJ’s mum asked as we walked past.

  ‘It is.’

  ‘Good luck to ya. And thanks for making JJ enthusiastic about baking.’

  ‘My pleasure.’

  A few more of the parents came over to wish me the best and it was all I could do not to start crying again. As they left, Eva suddenly let go of my hand.

  ‘Daddy!’

  She ran off into the crowd as Declan’s mother approached and I stopped to receive her thanks, keeping my eye on the direction in which Eva had gone. When Declan’s mother moved away, I hurried after Eva. A group of parents in front of me parted and I could see the little girl being spun around by a tall man. I’d assumed that her father was at work as it was always Shanti who picked her up from S-O-S Club. I hovered at a distance, enjoying the sight of my young friend so excited to see her father.

  He set her down and she pulled his arm, yanking him around. ‘Come meet my teacher, Dad. She talks like Mary Poppins …’

  I laughed at her description of me and stepped forward as Eva’s father lifted his head …

  … and my heart shattered.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  Secrets and lies

  Max’s expression was pure horror as his eyes met mine.

  Eva was still tugging his hand towards me, her little face a picture of pride.

  ‘Nell! This is my daddy!’

  Aware that the other parents and children surrounded us, I forced a smile onto my face, feeling sick. ‘Oh? Hello.’

  ‘Hi.’ His eyes were searching mine, a thousand unspoken words that would never be said in his stare.

  ‘Nell has to go home to England tomorrow. But we had fun today, didn’t we?’

  ‘Yes, we did.’ My smile was hurting my face as memories of Max’s words tumbled like a hurricane with the facts now emerging. He said he had been with his last partner for ten years, but had he ever said they were over? I’d never asked the question outright: why hadn’t I asked him if he was single? I’d taken everything on trust, assuming his interest in me indicated he wasn’t seeing anyone else. Just how stupid had I been?

  Max is Eva’s father. Shanti is his partner. They’ve been together for ten years …

  ‘Why did you come to get me, Daddy?’ Eva was standing between us, oblivious to the silent battle raging above her head. ‘Mom always does it.’

  He cleared his throat. ‘Mom had to go and see Grandma. She had a fall so …’ apology washed across his face, his head slowly shaking ‘… so I came instead.’

  ‘Is Grandma OK?’

  ‘She went to the hospital and they’re fixing her leg. Mommy says … Your mom says she’s good.’

  ‘Eva! Don’t forget your cookies … Oh.’ Lizzie screeched to a halt beside me. ‘Max, this is a surprise. I didn’t think we were going to see you until later.’

  ‘Do you know my daddy, Lizzie? This is so cool!’

  ‘Max is Eva’s father,’ I said quietly. ‘Shanti had to take Eva’s grandmother to hospital.’

  Confusion painted my cousin’s face. ‘Oh, I see.’

  Max lowered his voice. ‘Lizzie, could you – would you mind watching Eva for five minutes? I need to talk to Nell.’

  ‘No, I don’t think that’s a good idea,’ I shot back, but Lizzie was already taking Eva’s hand.

  ‘I think it is, Nellie. Eva, can you come and help me make sure I ticked everyone’s names on the register today? I know you have a good memory and I think I might have missed something.’

  Eva shrugged. ‘Sure. I remember everybody who came today.’ Happy to be asked for her help, Eva trotted off with Lizzie, leaving Max and I facing one another.

  ‘Please Nell? I have to explain.’

  �
�Don’t.’

  He looked around at the other parents. ‘Then just come with me outside – this shouldn’t happen here.’

  This shouldn’t be happening anywhere, I screamed in my head, nausea balling up in my stomach as I followed him into the corridor and out to the schoolyard. I wanted to yell at him, pummel my fists against his chest and demand to know why he’d lied to me. But then I realised it wasn’t the first time he hadn’t told me something. The pavement art had been a secret too, hadn’t it? And while at the time I’d found it a charming discovery, in the light of what I now knew it became another lie Max had willingly told me.

  The wind had picked up outside, whipping the branches of the trees lining the yard. Max yanked the hat from his head, stuffing it into his jacket pocket as he faced me.

  ‘I am so sorry. I didn’t want you to find out this way.’

  ‘Obviously.’

  ‘I didn’t mean for this to happen, Nell. You have to believe that.’

  I felt as if the world was caving in around me. ‘You’re Eva’s father.’ The words bit like razors on my tongue.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘And all the time we spent together it didn’t occur to you to mention it?’

  He kicked at a stone on the concrete schoolyard. ‘No, because …’

  ‘Why? Because you didn’t want me to know?’

  ‘No, Nell.’

  ‘Then why?’

  ‘Because saying “Hey, I have a kid” is not something that you just say.’

  ‘But saying “I love you” is?’ The wind blew my hair into my eyes and I angrily pulled it back.

  ‘That’s completely different and you know it.’

  ‘I told you everything about me. I held nothing back. I thought you’d done the same.’

  ‘It’s … complicated.’

  ‘No it isn’t, Max. I told you the truth. You lied to me!’

  Our voices were rising in volume to be heard over the howl of the wind and the lashing tree branches above us.

  ‘I didn’t – I didn’t mean to. You have to believe that. Please, just let me explain.’