Scintillation (Stars Align Book 3)

by Kate Stacy

  “Gonna clean you up, Presley. Sit still and relax.”

  He tries to sound calm, but I can hear the quaver in his voice, beneath the grit and gravel.

  If Holden can face this, so can I.

  Opening my eyes, I’m met with a calm smile. A simple gesture to tell me that somehow...everything will be okay. I watch his hands as he carefully cleans the blood from my skin. His touch is gentle, but it burns with my shame.

  We both cry as he places a clean bandage over the cuts.

  They may be hidden from sight, but I can still feel them. A phantom pain from the slice of the blade. The sting from the antiseptic he used to clean them. A slight soreness around the edges.

  I’ll feel it all for days.

  When he’s done, he sits back against the cabinet and pulls me between his thighs. Safely cocooned in his arms, he rocks me back and forth right there on the bathroom floor as we both shed the remainder of our tears.

  His for me, and mine for him.

  When our tears dry up and our sniffles turn to silence, he speaks.

  “Help me understand, baby girl,” he whispers. “Explain to me why you would do this to yourself.”

  I work my bottom lip between my teeth, unsure of what to say.

  How can I explain something I barely understand myself?

  “I don’t know how,” I admit honestly.

  “Try.”

  “I’ve always felt out of place,” I start. “Being one of three...I...I love Madalyn and Camille. More than anything.” I pause, trying to find the right words. “Growing up, I felt invisible. It got worse as I got older. They became popular at school. They were suddenly part of the ‘in crowd’ and they didn’t exclude me—they never would—but it didn’t stop me from feeling like an outsider. I felt like I didn’t belong. The more outgoing they became...the more it seemed like they were overshadowing me, until eventually I felt like no one could see me. Really see me.”

  My voice cracks and I have to stop to swallow the lump in my throat.

  “I was bullied in school.” I feel his head jerk back, but I keep going. “The girls were ruthless with the hateful things they said to me. The guys weren’t much better. My insecurities turned to anxiety and suddenly I couldn’t stand being around people. If I wasn’t next to Mads or Cami, I hid in the library and lost myself in books. I felt safe there, so it became my comfort zone.”

  He nods against my shoulder, like he understands.

  Books have always been my escape.

  “No matter how much I ignored everything happening, my insecurities grew into these huge, monstrous things that took over everything. My confidence disappeared, fading to nothing. I was at constant war with this little voice inside my head, always reminding me that I was nothing special, not good enough. Eventually, I started to believe it.”

  My tears start again, and I hastily swipe them away. Holden tightens his hold on me, but he doesn’t interrupt.

  “It was easy to become overwhelmed. What was hard was finding an outlet for my emotions. I tried everything, Holden. Nothing worked.” He presses a kiss to my temple. “The first time was an accident. I don’t even remember what I was upset about, but I was doing dishes, trying to distract myself and I dropped a glass. It shattered in the sink, chunks of glass flew up and one hit my arm. The cut started bleeding badly, but I didn’t panic. This odd sense of calm washed over me. It was like...suddenly all the things I was feeling before just...disappeared.”

  I tilt my head back and Holden’s gaze meets mine.

  His eyes are calm, accepting. Mine well with a new round of tears.

  “I didn’t intentionally cut myself that day, Holden, but I never forgot that feeling. It was impossible to forget.”

  The first tear falls, and I know it won’t be the last.

  “It got better after that. A few little cuts and everything else faded away. I didn’t really think about what I was doing. I was too happy to finally have some relief from the constant, crushing weight I felt on my chest. I...I thought it was harmless. I wasn’t hurting anyone.”

  “It hurt you, baby girl. And knowing that you did this to yourself...to feel better? Fuck. That hurts me. It really fucking hurts.”

  “Adam said the same thing.”

  “Adam had a point.”

  I don’t argue with what I know is the truth.

  We’re both quiet for a minute, but the silence is far too loud.

  “This is the first time...in years. I thought I was done with it. I still have anxiety, my insecurities haven’t disappeared...but I thought I moved past it. That’s part of the reason I went to Three Kings...to Adam.”

  Holden’s fingers trace across the ink on my forearm, feeling the scars that can no longer be seen without looking too closely.

  “He turned my scars into something beautiful. He covered up the constant reminder of a time where I truly hated myself.”

  His tongue darts out to wet his lips and he swallows, his Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat.

  “So what happened?” he asks.

  The inevitable question I knew would come.

  I tell my brother the rest of my story.

  Leaving nothing out, I give him every last detail, every last bit of hurt.

  I sit in his comforting embrace and tell it all, talking until I run out of words and my legs go numb.

  “You need to talk to someone, Presley.”

  “I know.”

  “A professional. Someone equipped to handle a problem like yours.”

  “I know.”

  “Because, Presley...I love you. From the bottom of my heart and the very depths of my soul, I love you. You can come to me at any time and talk to me about absolutely anything and I’ll be there with open ears and a shoulder for you to cry on...but I don’t know how to help you. Not with this.”

  His deep voice breaks on the last word and I know it’s killing him to admit that he can’t help me.

  Holden is the perfect older brother.

  Strong and loving. Caring and supportive.

  Protective down to his core.

  He’d willingly slay every single one of my demons.

  But this isn’t his battle to fight.

  It’s my own war with myself, and though I know he’s on my side…the one who needs to fight is me.

  “I love you, too.”

  He tucks his head into my neck and breathes deep, hugging me with a warmth I feel down to my marrow.

  “I’ll keep your secret, baby girl. I’ll keep it safe with me, but you have to promise to get some help. You can’t keep doing this to yourself. No matter how hard you struggle, no matter what your head tries to tell you...I know your heart, honey...and there’s nothing in this world that’s more beautiful.”

  Holden pulls away from me, lifting his large frame from the floor. He holds out his hand, smiling when I give him mine. As he helps me off the hard tile, I somehow manage a smile.

  “Now…” He pulls me into a tight hug and presses another kiss to my temple. “Straighten your crown and rise, baby girl. You’re a queen and it’s about time you knew it.”

  THIRTY-THREE

  Adam

  Leaving Presley was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, hands down.

  Knowing she was safe in the arms of her brother was the only reason I was able to walk away.

  He sent me a text later that night, promising me she was doing better and would be okay. Holden is many things, but a liar isn’t one of them, so I took him at his word.

  But it wasn’t enough.

  It’s been days and I can think of nothing else.

  Presley is at the forefront of every thought.

  I had to cancel my appointments today because I’m not in the right frame of mind to even attempt to mark someone’s body permanently.

  I can’t concentrate.

  I can’t focus on anything but her.

  Every time I close my eyes, I repl
ay those first few minutes over and over again in my head.

  Finding her broken and bleeding.

  Feeling utterly fucking useless.

  How many times is it possible for a heart to break before it no longer beats?

  I drop my pencil on the desk, watching as it bounces off the hard surface and clatters to the floor.

  I don’t understand why I still can’t get this damn design right. It’s simple, so it shouldn’t be hard.

  But it’s hers.

  My cell rings, interrupting nothing.

  When I see Holden’s name flash on the screen, my heart begins to pound in my chest.

  I’ve heard nothing for days. I’ve had to talk myself out of calling more than I care to admit.

  “How is she?” I ask as soon as I answer the call.

  “Better.”

  “Almost anything is better than the way she was when I saw her last.”

  “She’s getting help, Adam. I set her up with a therapist so they can work through her issues. She’s not going to heal overnight. Physically, or mentally. Her scars run fucking deep.”

  I scrub my palm down my face, breathing out a small sigh of relief. I’m so fucking happy to hear that she’s getting help, but I hate that I’m not a part of it. I want to be there. I want to take my place at her side, holding her hand as she works to get better.

  As if he can hear my thoughts, Holden speaks.

  “Gotta give her some time, brother.”

  “Yeah.”

  I hate it, but I know he’s right.

  “She needs time...and you...you need to figure out your own shit.”

  The fuck?

  Holden must hear my breath of surprise. Either that, or he’s a fuckin’ mind reader.

  “She doesn’t blame you for what happened, so put it out of your head.”

  “I—” I start to deny it, but Holden knows better. He cuts me off and gives me a huge fucking dose of honesty.

  “Look...she told me everything. If you’re the man I think you are...you’re feeling guilty as fuck that she hurt herself after the shit you said to her. I know that guilt has been festering, threatening to eat you alive. Let it go. What happened...it’s not on you. She doesn’t blame you and neither do I. What I do blame you for...is thinking—for even a second—that Presley would walk away from you. She’s so much fucking better than that, but the fact that you showed up at her apartment even after telling her you were done...it tells me that you already figured that out.” He pauses for a minute, giving his words a chance to sink in. “I don’t know your past, Adam, and I won’t pretend to, but I know enough to know that you have some unresolved issues. You’ve got your own shit to work through, so my advice to you is to sort your own shit while Presley works through hers. Because if you’re serious about her...and I mean really fucking serious…”

  His words are punctuated with a tone that tells me I need to hang onto every one.

  “She’s going to need a strong man at her side. Someone strong enough—mind and body—to give her the support she’ll need for the rest of her life. Her insecurities are never going to go away completely. She’s going to have days where she struggles and whoever she chooses to spend her life with is gonna need to be man enough to carry her on those days.”

  “You’re right,” I admit. “But you already know that.”

  “I like you, Adam. I like you as a person and as the man for Presley. I think you’ll be good for her. I hope you take what I said seriously.”

  “I do.”

  “Good. One last thing…” His tone makes me a little nervous. “When Presley comes back to you...because despite your doubt, I know she will...you’d better grab onto her tight and make sure the world knows she’s yours. If you ever treat my sister like a dirty little secret again, I won’t be so quick to forgive.”

  The call ends, leaving me speechless and a little scared.

  I never intended to treat Presley like a dirty little secret, and until now, I didn’t realize I had. I hope she never felt like that was the case. I think back on all the times we were together and never once were we in public. Shit.

  “Adam!” Cannon’s voice travels into my office from somewhere down the hall. “Need you out here for a minute, man.”

  Something in his voice is off. He sounds...almost wary.

  I hurry down the hallway to the lobby to see what’s going on and when I get there, I stop dead in my tracks.

  “Fucking Christ.”

  The voice is different, but if he hadn’t spoken…

  I’d swear I was staring at myself.

  Cannon clears his throat, shaking me out of my shock.

  “This is Felix…” he says. “He’s here for his interview.”

  “Yeah, like that’s what’s really important here.” The retort leaves my mouth without thought and Cannon grins. Always such a shit stirrer. “Jesus, fuck.”

  I work my hand through my hair, which could use a trim, and take the remaining steps into the lobby.

  “How many more fucking secrets did she have?” I mutter to myself, bringing my attention back to the man in front of me.

  Felix and I stare at each other, likeness meeting likeness.

  Cannon’s eyes volley back and forth between the two of us. I’m surprised he hasn’t grabbed some popcorn to snack on while he enjoys the show.

  “Guess we need to talk about more than just a job.”

  “You can fuckin’ say that again.”

  Not knowing what else to do, I tell Cannon to watch the front and lead Felix to my office. I’ll fill Cannon in on the details later, but we need privacy for this conversation.

  I forgot all about this damn interview today, and now my mind is even more fucked up than it was before.

  I motion Felix to the chair, and he takes a seat. I drop roughly into my own chair and lean forward, elbows on the desk.

  “Don’t think a DNA test is required to figure out we’re siblings,” I say.

  “Looking at you is like looking in the fucking mirror, so I’d say not.”

  “Fucking hell. I knew my mom had secrets, but this...fuck.”

  I scratch my jaw, trying to figure out where to begin. I come up blank.

  “Might be easier to start with you.”

  He nods, leaning back in the chair.

  “I’m adopted. Known it my whole life, but never knew I had a twin.” He plays with a loose string on a ripped fray in his jeans, but his eyes don’t leave mine. “I have a good relationship with my parents, so I never felt like anything was missing. It never even occurred to me to search for my biological parents. Can see now that might have been a mistake.”

  This shit is unreal. Un-fucking-believable.

  “My mom is dead,” I say bluntly. “She killed herself and left a fucking mess behind. We won’t be getting any answers to the questions I’m sure we both have, so we’ll have to draw our own conclusions.”

  “Seems pretty cut and dry. She had twins, gave up one for adoption, and kept the other.” He runs his hair, which is cut similar to mine. It’s eerie, watching him do something that I do so frequently. “I don’t think the ‘why’ really matters at this point. What’s done is done.”

  Hmm. He makes a good point. I didn’t think about it like that.

  “Fair enough.” I grin. “Well...in that case…” I hold out my hand. “I’m Adam. Nice to meet you, brother.”

  His lips tip to a grin that matches my own and he shakes my hand.

  “Always wanted a brother.”

  This situation is undoubtedly fucked up.

  The way I see it, I have two options.

  I can waste time being angry at my mother for yet another secret she kept, or I can see the situation for what it is and welcome my brother with open arms.

  The latter is a much better choice.

  “Glad to hear it. You’ll be happy to hear you have more than one.”

  I tell him all about
Noah and Jake’s ongoing search for more siblings. Naturally, he wants to meet Noah, so I promise to set something up soon. He listens as I tell him about losing mom and Elena. How I uncovered the secrets that led me to hire a private investigator in the first place. He’s as eager as I am to find out if we have any more siblings out there in the world.

  After he’s heard about everything and everyone important, including Hannah, he tells me more about his life.

  I learn that he grew up on a small farm only twenty minutes from here. Until recently, he bounced back and forth between his parents’ farm, where they grow corn, to a farm belonging to a friend of his, where she runs a pig rescue. I didn’t even know pig rescues were a thing, but apparently there’s one a short drive away. Felix still volunteers there every week, but he no longer has an official job.

  I laugh my ass off when he tells me that his own dad fired him so he’d move out and get on with his own life.

  “That’s kinda fucked up, man.” I laugh as we walk to the lobby sometime later. “You should probably thank him. You came here for a job and ended up with a brother you never expected. It’s more than you anticipated, but you got dealt a damn good hand.”

  “You aren’t wrong.”

  “Besides, the job is yours if you still want it.”

  “Fuck yeah.”

  “That’s one thing you haven’t explained. How the hell did you end up in my shop?”

  Cannon, having already collected the food I called in for delivery, joins us on the leather couches up front.

  “That’s what I’ve been wondering. This whole thing is kinda fuckin’ crazy.”

  Felix takes a bite of his burger, smiling as he chews.

  “You’re kinda fucking famous around here, if you haven’t noticed.”

  I shrug, not comfortable with the notion. I ink because I love it, not because I want to be known.

  “I started tattooing years ago. I’ve always loved to draw, and it was something fun to do when I wasn’t working the fields. Apprenticed for a long fucking time. It felt like forever. I swear he made me practice until I could do a perfect tattoo with my fuckin’ eyes closed.” We all laugh, remembering how grueling it could be. “Anyway. It was just a hobby for me until Pops fired me and I needed a job. I rented a chair at a shop closer to home. A buddy of mine came in one day, said he saw online somewhere that you were looking for another artist. Recognized your name and knew your work. Knew you were someone worth working for, so I submitted my information and here I am.”