Love & Devotion

by Jove Belle

  “What the fuck am I doing?”

  KC drove through town with no clear destination. She needed to think. She needed to decide on a place to go and get there. Her head wasn’t clear enough for her to be behind the wheel. It wasn’t clear enough for her to think. She drove slowly, well below the speed limit, with no idea where she was headed.

  She pulled over to the curb and killed the engine. Without intending to, she’d driven to her sister’s neighborhood. Across the street, and three houses down, her sister Kendall sat on her front porch sipping an iced tea. KC was parched.

  A brick in the pit of her stomach, hard and flat and unsettling, had replaced the flurry of excitement KC felt when she entered Lonnie’s office. Kendall would know how to fix this. She left her car and walked to Kendall’s house.

  She plodded up the walk, head forward, eyes trained on Kendall. She was ready to cry again, but as long as she had a focal point, she could hold back. She stopped at the base of the stairs. The four that would take her up to the main porch level loomed large in her mind.

  “What’s up, little sister?” Kendall remained seated, feet resting on a wicker ottoman. She wore reading glasses low on her nose and had an open manila file folder in her lap and a pen clipped to her collar. Even when she relaxed on the front porch, she never truly rested.

  What was up? What could KC say that Kendall hadn’t already figured out on her own? Still, her sister would listen to her as she worked through her maelstrom of emotions, then point her in the right direction. Kendall was thoughtful and methodical. She would choose a path KC’s feet could travel without stumbling.

  KC tried to smile. It didn’t work, so she shrugged instead. “Can we go inside?” She’d already had one crying fit in the middle of the street today. She didn’t want to tempt the fates and go for a second.

  “Sure thing.” Kendall closed the file and rose. She waited at the top of the stairs for KC. “You’re in luck. Owen took the kids to the park a few minutes ago. My house is quiet enough to hear one another without shouting.”

  “Thanks,” KC said.

  “Head to my office.” Kendall’s voice was gentle, which made KC want to cry more than ever. Kendall was never nice to her. Sisterly torment was the crux of their relationship.

  KC sank into the deep leather armchair and immediately regretted her choice. It had belonged to her grandfather before he died, as had most of the furniture in this office. How was she supposed to talk about her wild and wicked ways while sitting in her grandfather’s wingback? He was a pious man. She most decidedly was not.

  Rather than taking the seat opposite, the one behind her desk, Kendall sat beside KC in the matching black chair. She took a sip of her tea and waited.

  KC had no idea what to say. Every jumping-off point she thought of sounded sordid in her mind. She could only imagine how bad it would sound if she let the words out into the light of day. Finally, because she couldn’t bear the scrutiny of Kendall staring at her any longer, she said, “Owen and the kids doing well?”

  “They are.” Kendall took another sip. “Get to the point, KC.”

  KC shook her head. So much for a conversation starter. She opened her mouth to speak, but no words came out. She tried again. Still nothing.

  “Lonnie Truvall, huh?” Kendall cut straight to the heart of the matter. Three words laid it all on the table.

  KC nodded, mute and unable to change her condition for the moment.

  “How long?” Kendall asked.

  KC shrugged, then realized that actually words were required for this question. “About a year.”

  “Oh, honey.” Kendall set her glass on the desk and squeezed KC’s hand. KC in turn gripped the arm of the chair like life itself hung in the balance. If she let go, all would be lost.

  The tears started again, completely without KC’s consent. She thought she’d got it all out at Lonnie’s office, but acknowledging their affair to Kendall brought her raw emotions to the surface again. She was not a neat crier. She wasn’t one of those women who could cry silently for a few minutes, wipe her eyes, then look as though nothing was wrong a few moments later. No, when she cried, she committed to the act. Her shoulders shook, snot mixed with the tears, and she sniffled hard to hold it all back. She couldn’t talk beyond a monosyllabic repeat of sound. “I…I…I…I…I.” Crying for KC was undignified and messy.

  Kendall handed her a box of tissue and waited. KC blew her nose enough times for the pile of used tissue on the side table to grow larger than the unused portion left in the box. She cried until nothing was left in her. Then she sucked in a deep breath and hiccupped.

  “Done with that now?” Kendall’s voice wasn’t nearly so soft as before.

  KC nodded. “I think so.”

  She expected Kendall to have questions, but so far she seemed content to sit and listen. That made KC feel like an even bigger fuck-up.

  After several minutes had passed without a word from Kendall, KC said, “I love her.” That wasn’t entirely accurate, but telling Kendall that she wanted her and wasn’t willing to not have her when the opportunity came up sounded far too jaded. The truth embarrassed KC.

  “Pshh.” Kendall didn’t hesitate to respond. “Then you’re a fool.”

  KC dropped her head in her hands. She couldn’t argue the point.

  Kendall sighed. “Tell me how it started.”

  KC hesitated. How did it begin? Did it even matter? “I’ve always had a crush on her, starting in high school.” She remembered staring at Lonnie during Sunday dinners when she was fourteen and too young to do anything except yearn and be confused by it all.

  “You know what? I don’t care how it happened. First of all, stop calling her Lonnie. She’s Mama’s friend. Call her Mrs. Truvall.”

  “Okay.” Kendall was right. The difference between Lonnie and Mrs. Truvall was clear in KC’s mind. One was her lover, the other her mama’s good friend. The line blurred from time to time, like when Lonnie lured her upstairs in her mama’s house, but she never lost sight of it. Still, she couldn’t remember if she’d begun calling her Lonnie before or after they began their affair.

  “Now, let’s talk about what a stupid, selfish girl you’re being.”

  KC was offended. Instead of ready to cry, she was ready to fight. “Way to be supportive, Kendall.”

  “I’m not supportive of this. Dammit, KC! You’re fucking with our whole family here. Am I supposed to say ‘Nice job’? or ‘Better luck next time’? What’s the appropriate response when a person finds out her baby sister’s sleeping with her mama’s friend? I sure as hell haven’t seen a Hallmark card for this one.”

  “Stop being so dramatic. It has nothing to do with you.” KC knew that wasn’t true, but the words still flew out of her mouth.

  “Really? When you show up on my front porch looking a mess and wanting sympathy for your broken heart, how is it not my business? Do you realize how much this would hurt Mama if she found out? Do you even care?”

  “Of course I care.” The words sounded hollow and false. If KC didn’t believe it, no chance she would convince Kendall.

  “Well, you have to end it. Mama doesn’t know anything yet. I’m sure of that. She always tells me when Lonnie’s out cattin’ around. How she kept word of this from Mama, I’ll never know.”

  The floor dropped from beneath KC. “What do you mean she tells you?” KC whispered.

  “Glen is a saint. For all Lonnie’s running around, he stays with her.” Kendall continued her rant without answering. “God knows he has enough worries right now with Leann, without adding you to the mix. Not that he’s completely innocent, mind you. They have the most functional dysfunctional relationship I’ve ever seen.”

  “What do you mean she tells you?” KC asked again, her voice stronger this time.

  Kendall stopped and looked hard at her. “Oh, God, KC. You don’t think you’re the only one, do you?”

  She didn’t think it. She knew it. Lonnie had told her she was special, th
at she meant something. She was worth the risk. KC swallowed and gave a weak nod. “I am.”

  “I’m sorry, honey, but you’re not. Think! She’s obviously willing to cheat on her husband, with her good friend’s daughter, no less. What makes you think she has any scruples at all?” Kendall delivered her message with deadly precision. She sliced away what little faith KC had in her relationship.

  It didn’t change anything. KC shrugged. “I still want her.”

  “How can you? She’s a cheat and a liar and she seduced my baby sister and I could kill her.” Kendall glanced at her gun cabinet, another heirloom inherited from their grandfather.

  “It’s not that simple.” KC couldn’t let Kendall put all the blame on Lonnie, but she had no idea what to say to redirect her.

  “Then break it down for me, KC, because from where I’m sitting, it is that simple.” Kendall spoke quieter, but with no less vehemence. She was angry, and KC hadn’t expected that at all.

  KC thought back. She’d wanted Lonnie for so long it was hard to remember the exact moment it changed from just wanting to both wanting and having. “I don’t know. We flirted and then it just went further, but that doesn’t make it Lo—Mrs. Truvall’s fault.” KC had been overwhelmed when Lonnie returned her attentions. Their first kiss had escalated quickly, and if KC let the memory run, she could almost feel the sensation of sliding her fingers inside Lonnie for the first time and hear her gasp, then plead for more. It had been exhilarating, intoxicating.

  “And it’s been happening for a year?”

  KC nodded.

  “Does Mr. Truvall know?”

  KC’s stomach dropped with the question. Thinking about Lonnie as married, thinking about the hurt she’d cause if Glen ever found out she was carrying on with his wife, it all made KC clench to the point of pain. “I don’t know. I don’t think so.”

  “What if he finds out? This isn’t fair to him. He’s a good man. He doesn’t deserve to have his wife running around with a tart half his age. Not only is she having an affair, but this time it’s with another woman. She’s straight, KC!”

  KC flinched at the word tart. Kendall wasn’t attacking her full bore, but her words hit the target with unerring accuracy. She made KC feel cheap and dirty. She was miserable. She couldn’t even argue Kendall’s last point about Lonnie being straight. It sure didn’t feel that way, but did it even matter?

  Kendall dropped into the chair and took KC’s hand. “You have to end it.”

  “I don’t know how,” KC whispered.

  “Do you want to?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “KC…” Kendall let her name sit there, like a quiet accusation all on its own.

  “I know, I know. But you say it like it should be easy. How would you feel if I told you that you had to leave Owen? Would you be able to do it?”

  Kendall shook her head. “It’s not the same thing.”

  “How is it not the same?”

  “Because he’s not some harlot on the verge of tearing apart my family!” Kendall yelled loud enough to be heard three towns over.

  “I’m sorry.” KC held out her palms in supplication. “I don’t want it to be like this.” She didn’t want to feel like she was drowning every time she was alone with Lonnie. She didn’t want to feel bereft when she couldn’t see her. She didn’t want to be jealous just knowing Lonnie’s husband had more right to touch her than KC did, that he was the one holding her at night. She didn’t want to feel used, like she was a toy for Lonnie to play with, but that’s how she felt nearly all the time. And she certainly didn’t want to feel like a cheap trick, sneaking around, afraid of being caught.

  “You really don’t understand how bad this is, do you? If news gets out, it’ll shake up the whole town. Lonnie and Glen will get divorced. There’s no way for him to look the other way on this one. Think about their kids, KC. The boys are away in the Middle East, but Leann’s still here. She’s in high school. Imagine how much crap she’d get over something like this. Mama and Daddy will be heartbroken. Mama will have to start hating a friend she’s had since high school. She’s known her a hell of a lot longer than you’ve been alive, but her baby will come before her friendship. Not that you deserve it. The way you’re acting. I swear.”

  Kendall shook her head, took a breath, and kept going. “What would happen at church? Lonnie and Mama have been in that choir together forever. What happens when they’re suddenly standing on opposite ends of the risers? Or, better yet, one of them quits. You know how this town is. Remember when you came out? This will be a hundred times worse. Are you ready for all the stares, the whispers when you walk by? Are you ready to put Mama and Daddy through that? Trina? Me? Our kids? Think about someone other than yourself for ten seconds.”

  Everything Kendall said was true, and that hurt. She’d always known the things Kendall said, but having her lay it out like a bad prophecy made the possibilities real. For the first time, the damage she could do was more important than the excitement of being with Lonnie. She gave up. “I don’t know what to do, Kendall.”

  “Baby, I’m telling you, you have to end it. This only leads to disaster.”

  “I know.” The road had run its course. She was square in the middle of misery.

  “KC, you tell her. Or I will.” Kendall squared her shoulders. Big-time lawyer or not, offering to take on a woman who used to spank her bottom when she misbehaved was no small thing. KC was flattered. “This needs to end.”

  “No. I’ll do it.” KC wiped her hands over her eyes. “I made this mess. I need to clean it up.” She still had no idea what that meant, but it wasn’t Kendall’s to fix. She’d gotten what she needed from her big sister—sideways moral support and a dose of tough love.

  “If you change your mind…” KC knew her sister’s words were more than empty platitude. Kendall was a fierce defender of those she loved. She had KC’s back.

  KC’s smile felt stretched and unnatural. She hoped it didn’t look as bad. She needed to stop wallowing and let her sister get back to her family. Before she went, though, she couldn’t resist teasing to help set the air right between them. She didn’t want Kendall to remember her as a crying Jezebel. “You know, you’re slipping.” She nudged the stack of sixty-page college-rule spiral notebooks on Kendall’s desk that Kendall had used to keep track of her thoughts since they were kids. Recording the history of their childhood she’d noticed details no one else ever saw.

  “I don’t know how I missed it.” Kendall returned her smile and placed her hand on top of the journals. The message was clear: tease all you want, but don’t touch. “Hell, the whole family thought you were involved with Emma and just waiting to tell us.”

  KC looked up, bewildered. “Why would I do that?”

  “I don’t know.” Kendall threw up her hands. “Why would you fuck your mama’s friend?” Kendall swore with the best of them, but she was rarely vulgar.

  KC recoiled at the force of Kendall’s statement. The tension that had drained from her returned. She swallowed it down. “That’s a fair statement, I suppose.”

  Kendall pushed both hands through her hair. She had a fabulous mane that looked hairdresser-fresh no matter what she did to it. She blew out a heavy sigh and her shoulders sagged. “No, it wasn’t. I’m just surprised by all this. I’m never surprised, KC. Ever. I always see things coming before they hit me. And you’ve been sleeping with Mrs. Truvall for a year. A year!”

  “Well, I’m sorry to disappoint,” KC said, then turned the conversation away from Lonnie. “Emma and I are just friends.” She thought of Emma—sweet, supportive, neurotic Emma. Had Mama and Lonnie been as close as she and Em when they were kids? It would shatter Mama if the truth came out. KC felt like an asshole for putting her in that position. Why hadn’t she thought of it that way before?

  KC stood. The conversation needed to conclude. “I think I’m okay to drive, so I’m going to head out.”

  “Wait, there’s one more thing.” When they had t
alked about KC and Lonnie, Kendall had looked incredulous. Murderous, but caught off guard. The danger was in her eyes again, but now she seemed calculating. It was her turn to drop the serious bomb. “We need to discuss Trina.”

  KC sat back down. “Have you talked to her?”

  “I don’t want to scare her.” Kendall hummed thoughtfully. “What do you know?”

  “Nothing.” KC wanted to be clear. If she knew anything, she would have already acted. She wasn’t so distracted by her own life that she wouldn’t help her family. “But I suspect plenty.”

  “Like?” The air in Kendall’s office got thicker. Yes, the business with Lonnie was serious, but KC wasn’t in physical danger.

  “Like she has a lot of bruises and she never smiles. And she walks like a woman who has something to be afraid of.” There was more, but those were the key points.

  “Well, you can move all that from the suspect category into the know category.” Kendall looked sadder than KC had ever seen her. She was the self-appointed protector of KC and Trina. Clearly she felt she’d failed in her role as guardian.

  KC didn’t take time to indulge her. “What are we going to do about it?” She remained seated through force of will. In her mind, her body had moved from her grandfather’s chair to the gun cabinet in the corner. She could feel the slide of the shotgun shells as she fed them into the chamber.

  Kendall scolded her. “First thing we’re not going to do is rush over there guns ablazing.” KC’s desires were more transparent than she realized.

  She was surprised Kendall was being so levelheaded. Ten minutes ago she was ready to take her rifle after Lonnie. Now she was telling KC not to be rash. As far as KC could tell, a little rashness was in order.

  “Don’t tell me I can’t kick the bastard’s ass. It’s my right as a Texan.” KC should have asked Kendall for details, asked for proof, but Kendall’s word was enough. She didn’t want the graphic images of her sister’s suffering in her head. She’d never be able to shake it.