Love & Devotion

by Jove Belle

  Emma held KC’s gaze, shuffled her feet a couple of times, then turned away. She took her brush from her bag and started in on her long hair. She brushed until it was silky smooth and flowed between her fingers. KC stared the entire time.

  “Are you ready?” Emma asked as she put her brush away.

  KC swallowed. She wasn’t ready at all. “For what?”

  “Bed. Or do you want to watch TV or something?”

  KC’s earlier suggestion to snuggle and watch porn came back to her, and her face flared with heat. Emma, her best friend, made her blush.

  Maybe two beds would have been better. It didn’t seem like a big deal when she’d first walked into the room, but now she sure as hell felt like it mattered a lot. Maybe she just felt different because the room was rented. Two adults in a hotel for the weekend should be up to a whole lot more than just sleeping. And if she’d danced with any other woman the way she had with Emma earlier, sleep would not be an option.

  “Um, whatever. I just need to use the bathroom first.” KC rounded the bed. She had to make it past Emma to get to the bathroom, and that had her brain sputtering like crazy. She told her legs to turn, to veer around Emma, but they made a straight path toward her. KC’s only choice was to stop or plow right through her. Emma exhaled sharply, and KC was close enough to feel Emma’s breath on her skin.

  Neither of them spoke. KC stared into Emma’s eyes, searching for the answer to all the questions pinging through her brain. She found more questions bouncing back at her. And she found the answer to all of them. Emma.

  A strand of hair, meticulously combed, yet still rebellious, drifted into Emma’s face and clung to her bottom lip. KC, suddenly afraid to touch her, raised her hand halfway, then stopped. She wanted to ask if this was okay—her desire to remove the hair and return it to where it belonged—but she was equally afraid to speak. Emma blew gently in an attempt to dislodge it. The hair danced out and tickled KC’s cheek, but otherwise stayed firmly in place.

  “Stubborn.” KC stared at Emma’s lips, soft and moist, and her mouth went dry. She licked her own lips absently. “Let me…”

  She raised her hand slowly in order to give Emma plenty of warning about her intentions. She was going to touch Emma—touch her face, her lips—and she wanted Emma to be okay with that before she made contact. Emma didn’t move. Her eyes remained trained on KC’s until KC’s finger brushed her skin. They slipped shut at the touch.

  KC held perfectly still, barely touching Emma’s cheek. The gentle contact felt like an awakening and it scared the crap out of her. This was Emma. Her best friend. Emma.

  As slow as she possibly could, she eased her forefinger beneath the strand of hair. Every movement prolonged and amplified the current building between them. She felt herself leaning closer and couldn’t stop it from happening. She hooked her finger around the hair and pulled it away from Emma’s lip. Emma’s tongue chased it, licking along the contour where the hair had been seconds ago. KC tucked it gently behind Emma’s ear and combed it into place with her fingers.

  She was overstepping. She knew it but didn’t stop. She trailed her fingers through the soft locks. She’d touched Emma’s hair plenty of times before; this was the first time she’d really felt it. The silky smooth flow teased her fingertips, begging her to delve deeper. KC cupped the side of Emma’s face, her fingers still tangled in the hair at the base of Emma’s neck. She stretched her thumb and swiped it first over Emma’s cheek, the soft curve of her smile, then reached farther. She traced Emma’s lip, catching the moisture left behind from Emma’s tongue.

  Emma leaned into the touch and her eyes fluttered open, dark and heavy.

  KC was mesmerized. “Em…”

  She moved to close the gap, to touch her mouth to Emma’s. She brushed her lips carefully, gently against Emma’s. Her body was rioting, demanding more, but she existed inside the eye of the storm, soft and sure.

  Emma sighed into her mouth, kissed her once more, her lips quick and fleeting, then pulled away. Her eyes were closed again when KC recovered enough to look at Emma. She rested her forehead against Emma’s and breathed her in, the faded sweet scent of the apples and jasmine in her shampoo, blended with the smell of her desire. Emma placed her open palm against KC’s chest. KC’s heart threatened to pound clean out of her rib cage.

  Emma raised her head. When KC tried to follow, she held her in place, her hand hard against the beating of KC’s heart. Emma opened her eyes and the desire was still there, but overshadowed with sadness.

  “I can’t do this.” Emma stepped away, her fingertips stretched to maintain contact with KC, and then her hand dropped to her side.

  KC didn’t understand Emma’s words. She heard them, but they just refused to register. She felt colder than she ever knew was possible. She stepped closer to Emma and a tingle of warmth worked over her body. Emma stepped away. KC was bereft.

  “I don’t understand.” KC sounded lost to her own ears.

  Emma sighed and pointed to the bedside table. “Your phone is ringing again.”

  KC looked behind her and saw the screen lit up with a picture of Lonnie’s face. She had no intention of answering it. She turned back just as Emma slipped out the door. She’d hastily thrown on a pair of sweats and T-shirt, transforming her back to the Emma that KC was familiar with.

  “I’m going to smoke.” The door clicked shut behind her.

  KC sat on the bed, head in her hands. What the hell was she doing?

  *

  When KC woke the next morning, the bed beside her was empty. She listened for signs of movement in the adjoining bathroom but was met with silence. Emma wasn’t in the hotel room.

  She’d finally fallen asleep after hours of lying awake. She’d never felt so painfully awkward and aware of her body with Emma next to her as she had last night. She just couldn’t relax her mind enough to sleep. Emma, for her part, had lain there rigid and unmoving. Normally she flowed with KC, her body languid and following where KC led in the night. If she shifted to the left, Emma moved with her. If she rolled onto her back, Emma would nestle into the crook of her arm. If she moved to her stomach, Emma would drape herself over KC’s back.

  Emma’s breathing had relaxed and KC assumed she was sleeping around two a.m. She’d hoped in sleep Emma would return to normal behavior, but Emma stayed politely on her own side of the bed. The distance was agonizing.

  She hadn’t imagined the energy between them. She knew that. Things had shifted and Emma had clearly wanted KC to kiss her just as badly as KC wanted to do it. That didn’t explain why Emma had bolted as soon as she actually made the move. Emma had been there, fully present and participating. KC had been overwhelmed, but she hadn’t imagined Emma’s reactions to her touch, the way she leaned in to KC’s caress, the way her eyes clouded over with lust. She’d wanted KC.

  KC stumbled to the bathroom. Her eyes were heavy and filled with sand. She rinsed her face and dried it on a hand towel. She looked at the mirror to assess the damage and found a note in Emma’s loose cursive.

  Went to an appointment. Back soon.

  Well, that explained why she was alone. Emma had given her her full schedule for the weekend, but she’d forgotten. Too many other thoughts were roaming inside her head. She couldn’t think straight enough to remember the itinerary.

  She took a long hot shower, letting the water pulsate against her body, against her scalp, and hoping it would wash away a layer of confusion. She stayed until the water ran cold.

  As she dressed, her brain worked to align facts, to pull what she knew from the melee of what she felt. A few firm bits emerged.

  First and foremost, she and Lonnie were done. Their relationship had been destined to be short-lived and it was time to let it go. Yes, she enjoyed the sex. Still, it was time to call it. As much as she’d worried about how to say the words to Lonnie, about whether she’d be strong enough to say good-bye, she knew it would be all right. With the spray of water sloughing over her, she felt a growt
h of confidence.

  Second, as much as she’d wanted to kiss Emma last night, she was glad it hadn’t escalated beyond that. With the distance of a few hours she recognized how truly devastating that would have been to their relationship if she’d pushed for more so quickly. The urge had swept over her, too soon after her conversation with Lonnie.

  She wasn’t sure she trusted herself to make that kind of decision. Emma was special. If she fucked up, it would cost her so much. Frankly, she wasn’t sure it was worth the risk. She needed time to sort that out. For all she knew, when she saw Emma later that day, everything would have shifted back to the way it was. She might look at Emma and feel nothing beyond the usual affectionate love. If that were the case, she’d made a giant ass out of herself the night before. But Emma was her friend and they could laugh it off together.

  Third, she had to get the two women separated and sorted, both emotionally and physically. She needed to make sure she wasn’t assigning emotions to Emma out of a sense of loss. Emma could not be a surrogate for Lonnie. She was pretty damn certain the two weren’t emotionally connected for her, but she didn’t want any room for doubt. If her relationship with Emma was going to change, it needed to happen in its own time and space, and not with the shadow of Lonnie hanging over them.

  KC toweled dry and dressed in a pair of faded jeans and an old UNLV T-shirt of Emma’s.

  Clearly, she and Emma needed to talk. But first she needed to call Lonnie and make it clear she wouldn’t be answering any more late-night calls.

  She thought of a thousand reasons to put off talking to Lonnie. She should get something to eat first. She should call and check on Trina. She should make a voodoo doll of Kendall to get back at her for planting the idea of her and Emma as a couple in the first place. She should…

  She picked up her phone and dialed Lonnie’s number.

  Chapter Ten

  “Hey.” Emma set her keycard on the table next to KC’s laptop and then sat on the bed.

  “Welcome back.” KC made a notation of the page she was grading so she could pick up where she’d left off. “How’d it go?”

  “Good. I got to see my new office—well, cubicle—and meet a few people.” Emma picked at a loose thread on the comforter. “My boss seems nice.”

  “That’s good, I guess.” KC didn’t know what else to say. She hadn’t felt this awkward with Emma since high school. She closed her laptop and moved to sit next to Emma.

  Emma shifted away for a moment, then back. Her leg pressed against KC, hip to knee, and she laid her head on KC’s shoulder. “We need to talk.”

  She lifted Emma’s hand and carefully laced their fingers together. “Yes, I suppose we do.”

  Neither ventured further and they sat quietly for several minutes. Finally KC asked, “You want to go first?”

  Emma took a deep breath. “Not really. But I will.” She didn’t say anything else and the silence was getting to KC. She was the type to charge in and fill the gaps in a conversation.

  “Okay,” she said. “First, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have kissed you like that.” She had been caught off guard by her reaction to Emma. She’d enjoyed kissing her but knew it shouldn’t have happened. The timing was shit.

  “Oh, KC.” Emma shook her head. “I wanted that…so much.” Emma squeezed her fingers. “I want to do it again right now.”

  “Yeah?” Maybe her impulsive action wasn’t complete disaster after all.

  “But I’m not going to.” Emma sounded defeated.

  “Oh.”

  They shared a few more moments of awkwardness while she gathered her thoughts. Emma held her hand, her grip familiar and strange at once. And the thought of kissing Emma again excited her. It shocked her to learn how much she wanted to repeat their kiss, to draw it out and make it last. As much as she wanted to, she couldn’t do it. She loved Emma too much to use her like that. Emma deserved someone with true intentions, and hers were too uncertain. She couldn’t make any promises.

  “I want to do it again, too,” she said. “But I’m not going to either.” Her history of following her impulses with Lonnie had come full circle to bite her in the ass. She didn’t want to repeat the same mistake with Emma. In this moment, she wanted to kiss Emma. But what about a week from now? A year?

  “Right.”

  Why, when they agreed, did it feel like they were still miles apart?

  “Em?” She played with Emma’s fingers, tracing their lengths with her fingertips. “Will you tell me why not?”

  “Oh, my.” Emma sat up straight and pushed her free hand through her hair. “I’ve wanted to forever. Since before I found you with what’s-her-name in high school.”

  “Traci?” KC asked.

  “I know her name.” Emma’s voice was sharp and cutting.

  “Sorry.” She was stunned. Her head spun with the new information. “I had no idea.”

  “Yeah, well, I didn’t tell you, did I?” Emma said.

  “Why didn’t you?”

  “You’re an idiot about women and I didn’t want to be a part of that. I don’t want to feel like this, KC. I keep hoping it’ll go away, but it never has.”

  “That’s a little harsh.”

  “Is it? You don’t think when it comes to sex. If your clit twitches just the right way, you chase it and that’s that. To hell with everyone else.”

  KC sat with her mouth open, unable to think of a response.

  “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.” Emma lost some of her fight. “It’s just the way you are. I know that.”

  “I’m trying to be better,” she whispered.

  Emma scoffed. “Really? Tell that to Mr. Truvall.”

  “What does that mean?” KC wasn’t sure she wanted to continue this conversation. This was a little too much honesty for a weekend away.

  “KC, I’m not stupid. I know about Mrs. Truvall.” Emma’s tone left no doubt in her mind. Emma might not be stupid, but she sure as hell thought KC was.

  “It’s over.” She felt a pang of regret as she said the words. She knew it wasn’t possible, but she’d always hoped for more from Lonnie. As illogical as it was given the circumstances of their lives, at the time she’d fooled herself into believing it would all work out in the end. How naïve and selfish.

  “Really? That’s why she was blowing up your phone last night?” Emma shifted farther away and her hand slipped from KC’s grasp.

  “I haven’t exactly told her yet.” She picked at the skin around her fingernails. It took all her will to not reach out for Emma again. Emma kept her from fidgeting.

  “Please tell me you’re not ending it because we kissed.” Emma’s eyes slipped shut. The sadness on her face made her want to kiss Emma even more. She could make Emma happy, she knew it. But for how long?

  “No, that’s not it. But since you asked, only a fool would choose Lonnie over you.” She didn’t like how clearly she defined herself as a fool with that statement. In her defense, she hadn’t known Emma was an option when she started her affair with Lonnie. What would she have done differently a year ago if presented with Emma’s feelings then?

  “Don’t do that.” Emma maintained the distance between them but stretched her hand over the divide to touch KC’s face. Emma caressed the planes of her cheekbone and the line of her jaw with the backs of her fingers, then reversed her hand to cup KC’s cheek. Emma teased the edges of her hair, her palm hot and silky against KC’s skin.

  She felt ready to burst from the heat of Emma’s touch. She cuddled into it, solidifying the contact. “Do what?”

  “Act all sweet. I’m mad as hell. At you. At me. I’m not ready to let it go.” Emma dropped her hand, ending her caress and leaving her wanting more.

  “Tell me what you want.” She edged closer to Emma. That was such a bad idea. They needed to be clear-headed and logical for this conversation. But Emma’s touch was perfection. Who would willingly give that up? She moved until their legs were once again touching and forced herself to be s
atisfied with that small comfort. She wanted more but couldn’t define what more involved. Did she long for Emma’s touch because they always touched? Theirs was a very tactile friendship. They held hands. They snuggled. Did she want to protect that closeness? Or did she want to escalate the connection?

  “The same thing I’ve always wanted. You.” The yearning in Emma’s voice made KC ache.

  “Wow.” She couldn’t breathe. She focused on the rhythm of her lungs. Inhale. Exhale. Despite how plainly Emma had been speaking, it didn’t really hit her until that one sentence. This was real, at least for Emma. Emma wanted so much more than just a kiss, just one touch. She was in this for the long haul and willing to wait for her to get her shit together. Emma had been waiting.

  “It doesn’t matter. You’re not ready. Until you are, it’s not going to happen.” Emma’s words were heavy with the weight of finality.

  “How do you know I’m not? I could be.” She wanted to be.

  “You’re not.” Emma was emphatic. She stood and started pacing. “You’re having an affair with your mama’s friend.”

  “I told you, that’s over.” She knew the words were weak without any action to prove them true, but she couldn’t help but say them. She had to offer something in her own defense.

  “And the next time Mrs. Truvall calls, what will you do? Or the next time she leads you into the nearest bathroom?” Emma picked up her pack of cigarettes and twirled them methodically between her fingers. “You take ridiculous chances when it comes to sex. Say you follow through and actually end it with Mrs. Truvall, which I seriously doubt. What happens when the next sexy little thing shakes her ass in your direction? You take risks. That’s who you are. And that scares the crap out of me. I can’t trust you.”

  KC didn’t answer. She’d never thought about herself in those terms, never heard herself defined so succinctly and so unflatteringly. She had no defense.