Love & Devotion

by Jove Belle

  Emma giggled and dragged her out of the house and into her car. “You’re being so serious. It’s adorable.”

  “That’s twice today you’ve called me that.”

  “I can’t help what’s true.”

  She still wasn’t sure adorable was what she was aiming for. “Thanks, I think.”

  “Oh, trust me. It’s a compliment.” Emma punctuated her sentiment with a long, deep kiss. “You brought my mama flowers and wine. That’s adorable.”

  “I was trying for charming and debonair, not adorable,” KC grumbled.

  “Oh, it’s all those things, too. She’s wishing she was in my place right now.” Emma’s expression changed and she immediately sobered. Mrs. Reynolds was the same age as Mrs. Truvall.

  “Well, that’s too bad.” KC tried to re-inject a little of the previous lightness to their mood. “Because from now on, you’re the only one who gets to be in your place.” She smiled and wiggled her eyebrows.

  “What?” Emma laughed. “That made no sense.”

  “What I meant was, you’re the only one I want to be with.” She said the words seriously, with as much sincerity and honorable intent as humanly possible. “And that makes all the sense in the world.”

  “Yes, it does.” Emma stopped laughing, but her eyes sparkled with happiness. “Where are you taking me?”

  She started the car and backed out of the driveway. “Wait and see.” She took Emma’s hand and kissed her knuckles. Fairmont was a small town. There were only so many options for dinner, and it wouldn’t take Emma long to figure out where they were headed. Still, KC wanted to enjoy teasing her for a while longer.

  Emma pulled their joined hands into her lap and smiled. “That’s how it’s going to be? We’re dating so suddenly you’re all butch? Showing up with flowers and wine and a new haircut? Taking me to a mystery dinner? Are you going to order for me, too?”

  New haircut or not, KC couldn’t pretend to be the one in control. As far as she was concerned, Emma called all the shots. “Do you want me to?”

  “God, could you be any sweeter?” Emma stretched across the console and kissed her on the cheek.

  While they flirted, she navigated the streets and angled her car into a street-side parking space in front of Gloria’s Steak and Seafood. It was one of the few places in town that served wine and beer along with some truly kick-ass steak.

  Emma laughed. “You actually could order for me here.” Emma always ate the same thing: rib eye medium rare, with a salad and a cheddar biscuit. Sometimes, for fun, she’d add a skewer of shrimp on the side just to mix it up.

  “I could, but I won’t.” She smiled. She aimed for the lopsided grin that girls seemed to like a lot but wasn’t sure it worked. She was too damn happy to keep half her mouth from smiling tonight.

  Before she opened the car door, she ran her hands through her hair one last time. She was debuting a new haircut in the most popular dinner restaurant in town. She was nervous. “Do I look okay?”

  Emma gave her a smoldering look that made her want to turn around and take Emma to bed immediately. “You look really sexy.”

  “So do you.” She cupped the back of Emma’s neck and eased her fingers into Emma’s hair. She kissed her gently and with promise. There would be plenty more kissing in their future, but first they needed to get through dinner. “Let’s go in.”

  On the walk to the entrance, she wished she could hold Emma’s hand. She had to restrain herself from grabbing it.

  In fact, she couldn’t think of anything else and was proud she made it from the car to the entrance without tripping over herself. Given the ball of nerves rolling in her belly, she expected to lay herself out flat at any given moment. She held the door open for Emma, and as they were entering, they ran into Lonnie, Glen, and Leann.

  “Well, hello, girls.” Glen greeted them with friendly enthusiasm, and she felt like an even bigger jerk for running around with his wife behind his back

  She swallowed a surge of guilt, adding it to the already sizeable amount of tension in her stomach. “Good evening, sir. Mrs. Truvall. Leann.” She nodded to all three in turn. “How was your dinner?”

  “Delicious as always,” Glen said. He appeared oblivious to the wall of irritation coming from Lonnie and Leann. Leann focused her glare solely on KC. She couldn’t blame the kid. She would glare like the devil if she found out her mama was having an affair, too. Lonnie looked at KC’s hair, smiled unkindly, and shook her head. KC’s stomach tightened. Emma didn’t deserve whatever anger Lonnie had inside her aimed at KC.

  Lonnie asked, “Are you girls on a date? How sweet.”

  “Thank you, ma’am.” Emma answered with an equal amount of venom. “It’s been a long time since KC’s had someone she could take out for dinner. I’m enjoying the attention.”

  She needed to get Emma inside before the two of them went at it right there in the vestibule. She smiled at Glen and said, “We won’t keep you and your family any longer, sir. Have a good night.”

  “All right, KC, we’ll see you for dinner tomorrow.” Glen led his family onto the sidewalk and let the door swing shut behind him.

  Shit. She’d forgotten all about Sunday dinner. Her mama expected Emma to be there, and KC still hadn’t mentioned it. If meeting for a few seconds in a public business was that tense, she couldn’t imagine an entire meal with both women present.

  “Are you okay?” She wanted to work her arm around Emma’s waist and pull her close. Being reminded of Lonnie couldn’t be easy for Emma.

  “Yeah. I’m just trying to figure out what you ever saw in her.”

  KC didn’t answer until after the hostess had seated them. She gave them a secluded booth with a view of the street. As KC slid into the seat, she noticed Shannon Lewis, one of Glen’s employees, two booths down dining with her family. She stared out the window at Glen with a look of sad desperation.

  When KC turned her attention back to her own table, she found Emma staring at her intensely. She smiled nervously. “What?”

  “Are you sure, KC?”

  “Sure? Of what?”

  “Of this. Of us. Are you sure, really sure, that you’re ready? Maybe you should try being single for longer than a week.”

  She took a deep breath. She hated constantly feeling like she had to defend herself, but what else could she expect? She’d set herself up to be second-guessed and scrutinized; she couldn’t throw a fit when it happened. “I’m not sure what you’re asking. Am I ready to drop to one knee and promise forever? No. I’m not. But because it’s you, that thought doesn’t freak me out completely. And that means a lot to me. It should mean something to you, too. I don’t know for sure that this is going to work. But I know that I want to find out. I think we’ll be amazing together and I want to try.”

  Emma shook her head. “But are you ready for this? For everything that goes with being in a relationship with me? I’m not someone you can hide away from your family for the next year.”

  “I know that, Emma. And I’m not going to try. I’ve already told my family. I asked you on a date. I rang your doorbell and greeted your mama with respect, and if she wants, I’m prepared to talk about my intentions. I walked into this building wanting to be able to hold your hand. And the way I’ve been looking at you tonight will fuel beauty-parlor gossip for months.”

  “I know.” Emma shook her head. “This was all just a lot easier for me to deal with when I ignored my feelings for you. Now that you know how I feel, I can’t pretend that it doesn’t hurt to think about you with Mrs. Truvall. Seeing her makes me question everything. I’ll be devastated if you tell me in two months that you’ve changed your mind.”

  “So what? We don’t try?”

  “I didn’t say that.” Emma shook her head slowly and gave her a smile that somehow communicated that she was sad and that she thought KC was insane for suggesting they stop.

  “Emma, tell me what you need from me. If you want me to stand on the table right now and announce that w
e’re officially dating, I’ll do it. I was Lonnie’s secret for too long. I’m not willing to hide in someone else’s closet again. And I’m certainly not willing to put you in one.” She debated switching sides of the table. She wanted to slide into the booth next to Emma, put her arms around her, and promise that they were going to be okay. “Tell me. Whatever you want.”

  “Just be patient with me, okay? I’ve spent a long time hiding my feelings. It’s going to take a little while for me to trust them being so exposed.”

  “I can do that.” She sensed Emma was still holding back, so she pushed for more. “What else?”

  Emma inhaled heavily. “Okay, you went from crazy for someone else to crazy for me in two seconds flat. I don’t understand how that’s possible. I’ve been in love with the same person for years.”

  She looked around. She didn’t want to have this conversation in the middle of Gloria’s. The waiter would come around for their order any second. Nothing about the setting screamed intimate, heart-felt conversation. But if she didn’t seize the moment, the rejection she sensed simmering beneath Emma’s skin might be brought to the surface by fear. It looked like she didn’t have a choice but to say what needed to be said right here, right now.

  “You want to know about Lonnie?” She asked the question quietly. The restaurant was full of people they both knew. Odds were nobody was listening, but that didn’t mean she wanted to take the chance and accidentally share her business all over town.

  Before Emma could respond, the waiter showed up as predicted and they placed their orders. She was less enthusiastic about the steak than she had been when she picked Emma up earlier.

  When Emma didn’t respond even after the waiter left, she continued. “Remember how you used to have a crush on Mrs. Lowenstein?” Mrs. Lowenstein had taught geometry their senior year of high school. “You would go to class early and stay late. You’d ask for special meetings for her to clarify assignments you understood perfectly. You were head over heels, right?”

  She waited for Emma to agree, which gave her a chance to group her thoughts. “And you felt it with some very real desperation, but the emotion itself wasn’t real, right? And you carried that crush, or the idealized memory of it, to Las Vegas with you after you graduated. And eventually it faded naturally over time. But say you came back from college and discovered that Mrs. Lowenstein was just as into you. Would you go for it?”

  “I don’t…”

  “Be honest with yourself. Your teenage fantasy shows up and wants to take you to bed. You wouldn’t let yourself be seduced?”

  Emma shook her head. “That doesn’t explain why you kept going back for a year.”

  Ouch. “You’re right. I don’t know what to say. It was just easy.” KC didn’t like to think too hard about Lonnie, about what their affair said about KC. What kind of person was willing to hide something that important from her best friend, from her family? It didn’t speak well of her, and yet KC knew it had been something she needed. As desperate and sad as that sounded, she thrived under Lonnie’s attention. Lonnie was the first person in this damn town to make her feel like she was okay, because even normal folks sometimes want things they’re not supposed to. That, combined with her constant lust for Lonnie, was enough to keep her from thinking about how fucked up it was to keep that kind of secret.

  “Okay.” Emma nodded slowly. “I don’t like it, but I guess I can see that.”

  “Lonnie was a crazy teenage crush and we never should have taken it any further. Once it started, there just wasn’t a good-enough reason to stop. No, that’s not right. There was plenty of reason, but I was too selfish to see it. It took me a long time to realize the risk I was taking with my family. I’m embarrassed about that. But it’s over and done, and I’ll never do anything like that again.”

  “Go on.”

  She exhaled and took a drink of water. She was halfway there. “When I finally ended things with her, I realized that the emotion I’d entered the affair with was false. It was shallow and immature and I outgrew it a long time ago. I just wasn’t ready to let go.”

  She had worked through all of this in her own mind over the course of the past few weeks, but hadn’t said any of it aloud. She felt foolish for having let something so superficial persist for so long.

  “I don’t know where we’re going. I can’t make any promises. But I can tell you that my feelings for you are real, and they are worth exploring.” Even though she loved Emma, she wasn’t willing to use that word in this instance. It had too many layers of meaning, and she didn’t want to imply a deeper level until she knew for sure herself.

  “You didn’t even know I was alive.”

  “Oh, Emma.” That couldn’t have been further from the truth, but she didn’t know how to change Emma’s mind. However, this conversation was too important for her to just give up. “I was devastated when you stopped talking to me in high school. I spent three months in silent hell because I was sure you’d never speak to me again. I promised myself that if you ever decided we could be friends, I would never say or do anything to make you feel uncomfortable around me. It wasn’t a matter of not feeling anything for you. It was more a matter of you reminding me that I was allowed.”

  Emma stared at her without speaking.

  “Please tell me you understand.” She was damn close to pleading.

  Emma nodded and started to respond as the waiter set their dishes on the table. When he left them, Emma finished. “This isn’t going to be easy. For either of us. I’ve wanted you for so long and convinced myself that I’d never have you. It’s hard to believe that all I needed to do was just ask.”

  KC couldn’t stop herself from stretching a hand across the table. The slightest touch from Emma calmed KC, cleared any uncertainty from her mind. She wanted to offer the same to Emma, a nonverbal reminder that they’d be okay if they remembered to talk things through.

  Chapter Sixteen

  KC followed Trina down the church aisle. She didn’t normally sit next to her sister, but since she was carrying Buddy she had limited options. Trina selected a pew in the middle where Kendall, Owen, and their children were already seated. Trina sat next to Kendall and turned to KC. “Sit with us, okay?”

  “Yeah.” She joined them and hoisted Buddy onto her lap. It wasn’t her usual spot, but Emma should still be able to find her. Their church wasn’t that big.

  “Thanks.” Trina faced forward, so it was unclear if she was speaking to her or Kendall. She suspected both. Kendall took Trina’s hand and held it, but didn’t respond.

  This was Trina’s first time at church since she’d left Jackson. She’d skipped the service last weekend while KC was away in Austin. Given Trina’s position, she probably felt safer when flanked by both her sisters. Had they just arrived at a new Sunday seating arrangement?

  “Here you are.” Emma slid in next to her, filling the pew. “Why aren’t we sitting in the back?” The last few rows were home to the young and single, like her and Emma. Families took up the middle.

  She shrugged and nodded toward Trina. “I hope it’s okay.”

  “It’s perfect.” Emma briefly touched her hand and then leaned around her to say hello to everyone else.

  The music started and the choir stepped onto the risers, signaling that the service was about to begin. During the opening notes of “Glory to the Redeemer,” a few stragglers entered through the side door that led directly to the parking lot. KC hoped they had better luck finding a space than she did when she arrived at this time.

  Jackson was among the latecomers. Instead of his usual Sunday suit, he wore rumpled black slacks and a button-down shirt. The top two buttons were open and his tie hung loosely around his neck. He stared at Trina and Buddy for several long moments, then finally selected a seat directly across on the opposite side of the aisle.

  KC shuffled her hold on Buddy and then grasped Trina’s free hand. Feeling a slight tremor in Trina’s grip, she whispered, “It’s okay.”

 
Trina nodded once and didn’t look in Jackson’s direction again. KC squeezed Trina’s fingers and listened to the choir sing. She wished she could follow Trina’s lead and simply not look at Lonnie, but their relative positions made that impossible. The only way for her to avoid seeing the choir would be to turn her head away, which would draw attention from every one, including her mama. She took a deep breath and stared straight ahead.

  When Buddy started to fuss, Emma took him from her. She bounced him on her knee like it was the most natural thing in the world, then pulled a baggie of Cheerios from her pocket and showed them to him. He smiled and reached for them. Emma held the bag and fished them out for him one at a time. She kissed Buddy’s hair and smiled.

  Trina squeezed KC’s hand and mouthed, “Thank you.”

  Her heart felt full to bursting. She was surrounded by the people she loved, and life was moving in the right direction. She was doing good for those who mattered. Emma smiled and played quietly with Buddy. KC’s heart squeezed tighter. After this, they had one more weekend together. Then Emma would be gone. She wished she could capture this moment and hold it just a little longer.

  *

  After the service, Trina reclaimed Buddy and headed to the restroom. Kendall followed her. KC lost track of Jackson in the after-church press of bodies, but figured Trina was fine with Kendall acting as watchdog. She did see Shannon Lewis slip out the side, with Glen not far behind.

  “Let’s get out of here.” She rested her hand on Emma’s low back.

  “Don’t sneak off yet.” Her mama grabbed her in a hug. “I haven’t seen you in forever.”

  She dutifully kissed her mama’s cheek and said, “You saw me Friday.”

  “Hush.” Her mama swatted her arm, then pulled Emma into a hug as well. “Emma, honey.” She held Emma a little longer than necessary and KC squirmed. Finally she let her go and said, “I’m just so happy for you two.”

  “Thank you, ma’am.” Emma blushed, and it was fun to watch her suffer through the scrutiny she had been subjected to when she’d picked Emma up for their date the night before. “We’re still feeling it out, but I’m pretty happy, too.”