Second Time Around

by Carol Steward

  Her thoughts flew back to the day they had met in Laura Beaumont’s hospital room, and she tried to keep the memory pure and unsullied. “Then what do you want?”

  “I want you to forgive me. I want you to stop avoiding me. I want to figure out how to be friends again.”

  “Friends?” The memory of that kiss was far too new for her to imagine a mere friendship between them. “Friends?” She heard the disbelief in her own voice, and was amazed when Kevin seemed not to have noticed.

  Without any reservations, Kevin continued to talk. “You’re obviously happy with your career, and I’m busier than ever with mine. It’s obvious that neither of us has time for a relationship right now. And the last thing we need is our co-workers figuring out that we were an item at one time.”

  “An item? Don’t you think it was a little more than that?”

  He swallowed, and uncertainty crept into his expression. He walked over to the kitchen sink and poured himself a glass of water. “Engaged, then. We definitely don’t need anyone to know that. The guys are already getting carried away with the nail gun incident. They don’t need any fuel.”

  “Of course not,” she muttered. The counter separated them. “We wouldn’t want that. We wouldn’t want them to find out you walked out on me when I needed your encouragement, would we?”

  He was silent.

  She turned her back on him and studied the living room, allowing herself the chance to learn more about the man Kevin had become. He obviously hadn’t had Kristen do his decorating. His house was neatly organized, yet lacked a homey feel, and it was apparently the way he wanted to keep it.

  She took a deep breath, determined not to let him see her pain. Emily felt it spread through her entire body. How could he kiss her, then tell her he only wanted to be friends? How dare he do this to her again!

  Though caution told her not to, she had to ask. “I want to know what happened. Why you walked away. The truth.”

  She watched as Kevin resigned himself to her enquiry, leaning a hip against the counter. “I had to run the business, I told you that.”

  “You also told me it was a family business, that it was your responsibility, that it was our future. Now you have a different company in a totally different town. Since it wasn’t just your dreams that were tossed aside, I feel I have a right to know what happened.”

  “My dad had cancer, Emily. Thanks to false hope from doctors, we were forced to shut down,” he said bitterly.

  Emily spun around to face him, torn between defending the medical profession, and comforting Kevin. “I’m so sorry, Kevin.” He didn’t respond. She stepped closer. “I won’t try to defend what anyone told them, but I can tell you it’s a very difficult job to give a patient who has less than a thirty-percent chance of survival enough hope to make him want to fight for life. I’ve seen what God can do when even medicine fails.”

  “Yeah, well, even that wasn’t enough.” He paused, then lowered his voice. “It’s too bad our marriage didn’t have those odds of survival, isn’t it? I guess it was for the best. You have your career now, and I have no time for a commitment.”

  She stared at him, puzzled by the sudden irritability in his voice. “All this time, I thought—”

  “What did you think, Emily?” Kevin looked at her with a sardonic expression that sent her temper soaring. “That I changed my mind? That I suddenly stopped loving you? What?”

  “What was I supposed to believe, Kevin! You led me to believe it was because I wanted to be a doctor. How was I supposed to accept your parents’ money when you resented me even wanting my own career.”

  “Don’t throw that at me! We offered to help. You didn’t want to be obligated to anyone. You didn’t trust me, or them. And I can’t even believe you actually thought I was chauvinistic enough to—” Kevin set his glass on the counter, then walked to the door and opened it for her. “You don’t know me at all, then, do you?”

  All the way home, she thought about Kevin’s answer to her allegations.

  It was all a blur. So long ago. How had she turned the MacIntyres’ offer of help into Kevin being selfish and controlling? It seemed so different now. Suddenly, she was the one who felt selfish and controlling.

  Was Kevin’s father ill when they made the offer? Could she have helped change the outcome in any way?

  Emily went directly to her room, too disturbed to even check in with her sister. From the depths of her closet, she pulled a flat box and stared. It had been years since she’d opened it. Each layer of tape represented a turning point in her recovery. The first, anger. The next, acknowledging the pain. The last, and she had hoped the final step—freedom.

  It wasn’t. Here it was again—this box of memories that she’d symbolically taped up and buried as deep in her closet as she had buried her feelings in her heart.

  Dare she open it?

  If she did, would she ever be able to close it again?

  She kicked the box under her bed to get it out of sight. She wasn’t sure she was ready to open herself up to any more pain. Emily showered, hoping that the routine would ease her tension and wash away the questions lurking in her conscience.

  Kevin’s kiss filled her memory. His anger broke her heart. She closed her eyes and let the tears wash down the drain, as far away as possible.

  I’m not strong enough to resist him, God. And I’m not sure I could recover if he walked away one more time. Protect me, Father. Don’t let me love him again if it isn’t forever.

  Emily dried off and put her pajamas on, then pulled back the heavy quilt and crawled into bed. The memories and random prayers continued. In the drowsy warmth of her bed, she felt at peace. Her anger disappeared. The feelings of helplessness subsided.

  Chapter Nine

  Emily pulled into the clinic parking lot later than usual, her mind still on the baby she’d delivered that morning. Since the employee entrance was now closed for renovation, she had to go right past Kevin to get to the main lobby.

  As much as he visits, I’m surprised he gets any work done at all, she thought as she rushed past. Taking a slight pause from his conversation, Kevin added a casual hello. Still upset about his unexpected visit over the weekend, Emily muttered a greeting on her way past.

  She’d found herself asking for more divine intervention since the beginning of the renovation. Please help me to put the past behind me.

  It had taken years, but she had finally learned to let go of the pain from her father’s abandonment. During college she’d come to accept that she couldn’t be at peace if she was holding a grudge. It was the same with Kevin. Yet here she was again, struggling with emotions she had thought were long gone.

  Inside the clinic, the last thing she’d expected was another delay, but Ricky West ran up to her and started telling her about the preschool’s trip to a farm. Emily listened for a minute before hearing Kevin’s voice again. “I’ll see you in just a little while, Ricky. I have to go to work now.”

  Kevin’s deep voice rounded the corner from the entrance to the lobby long before he did. “Here, let me help you with that.”

  A sweet voice thanked him, to which he replied eagerly, “Any time.” Emily felt her emotions bristle.

  Before having to face Kevin, Emily made a quick exit to her office. She tossed her jacket on the back of her chair and locked her purse in the desk drawer, then hurried to the nurses’ station to get the file for her first patient. It was going to be a jam-packed morning. The sooner she busied herself with work, the sooner she would forget Kevin.

  Three patients into her schedule, she entered the examination room to meet a new mother of six-month-old twins. She stepped inside and introduced herself.

  The young mother’s sweet voice echoed in her ears all day. It was a woman for whom Kevin had so willingly helped carry two infant seats in from the car. I didn’t think there was a man left who’d do that for a stranger, she’d said.

  Don’t bother, Emily. No matter how much you try to turn him into you
r father, you won’t succeed. The voice of guilt wouldn’t give her a minute’s rest. Couldn’t I have just one day without coming face-to-face with Kevin MacIntyre?

  When she left for lunch, she saw Lois and Kevin visiting outside, and turned away. For the remainder of the week, she forced herself to keep busy with work well past the time when Kevin was sure to have called it a day, which seemed to be later each evening.

  Even that wasn’t enough to free her from hearing all about him from the nurses. It seemed that his gregarious personality had all of the single women freeing their weekend schedules in hopes Kevin would ask them out. Come Monday, though, all were sorely disappointed. Everyone except Emily.

  Despite her outward claim to not want to get involved with Kevin, she silently admitted that she’d be devastated if he asked any one of the nurses out. Inwardly, she knew it was all a last attempt to protect her heart.

  In a matter of just a few weeks, progress on the clinic was beginning to show. The foundation for the new wing was poured and new walls were going up. Kevin’s crew was working long hard hours, though not nearly as many as the boss. It soon became obvious that Kevin had the total support and respect of his men. In return for their efforts, rumor had it, he was quickly gaining a reputation in the industry as a fair and generous employer.

  Emily caught herself looking out the tiny window in her office more than once, entranced with watching him work. It was a distraction she couldn’t afford, emotionally or professionally.

  “I’m sorry, Dr. Emily is with another patient.” The pregnant receptionist straightened her back suddenly, then placed her hand on her stomach.

  I’ve never seen so many pregnant women in my life as in this place! Kevin drummed his fingertips on the gold-and-white-flecked counter. “When will she be available?”

  The receptionist looked at the appointment book. “She’s booked for two days. Do you need an appointment?”

  He thought a minute. “She said to have my arm checked out if it looked worse, but she didn’t mention needing an appointment. Maybe I can catch her before she leaves this afternoon.”

  “Just a minute, let me see if one of the nurses could do that for you without an appointment.”

  Before he could stop her, the woman waddled into the back room. She emerged a few minutes later with Lois following her. “Come on back, Kevin. It’ll only take a minute to take a look at that.”

  That plan backfired. Okay, God, maybe next time You could let my timing work out better. How am I supposed to fix things with her if I can’t get her to talk to me? Though he knew Emily was a busy woman, he couldn’t help but be disappointed. In the past eight years, he’d dated plenty of women, not one of whom had left him with a burning desire to be a better man, the way Emily did. She’d had that effect on him in college, and even more now.

  Over the last few weeks, Kevin had spent a fair amount of time in discussion with God about the irony of Emily’s and his winding up in the same town. It was more than just a coincidence.

  Shortly after Bryan’s transfer back to Springville, his friend asked Kevin to join him at the pancake house every Tuesday morning before work for a men’s Bible study.

  There were issues he hadn’t settled in his own mind, let alone with God.

  The decision to join the group hadn’t come easily. It meant becoming accountable to follow through with the changes he’d made in his personal commitment to God and to himself. Though he’d given up his footloose days, he still wasn’t comfortable with the thought of attending church. Bryan didn’t pressure him, though he asked Kevin to consider going with him, Laura and the kids, and to come over for Easter dinner afterward.

  One on one, he and God were making progress. But he wasn’t so sure he was ready to face the congregation.

  He continued to struggle with turning his life around, giving up control, and, especially, putting his heart on the chopping block again.

  It had been a long battle to recover from, letting Emily move on without him. With each family tragedy, resentment had taken a stronger hold within him. The years of rebellious behavior were over, yet the repercussions lingered as an ugly reminder of his weakness. Funny, he thought. Leaving Emily had sent his life into a tailspin, and finding her had set him straight again. Or, at least, given him the courage to get his life back in order.

  Trouble was, it was easier to forgive others’ transgressions than it was his own. If he couldn’t forgive himself, how could he begin to hope for God’s, or Emily’s, forgiveness?

  She deserved a husband who could share her dreams.

  One who had dreams of his own.

  He and Bryan met for their Friday morning coffee before work. It had been a sleepless night for Kevin, and Bryan seemed to notice immediately.

  “What’s bothering you?”

  Kevin grumbled and took a bite of eggs, chasing it down with a gulp of orange juice. “Nothing much, why?”

  Bryan chuckled. “Nothing much, huh? Let’s see. That either means work isn’t going well, or your love life isn’t going well.”

  Kevin gazed around, hoping no one had heard Bryan’s smart remark. “Yeah, well, just shows how little you know.”

  “You and Emily had a chance to talk yet?” His friend took another drink of coffee.

  “Yeah, we talk.” We just don’t ever get anywhere with it.

  Bryan wove his fingers together and leaned his elbows on the edge of the table. “About?”

  He looked up skeptically, wondering when his friend had taken over Laura’s duties as The Great Matchmaker. “Mainly about how stupid it would be to try again.”

  Bryan lowered his voice. “You didn’t tell her, did you? You’d prefer she think you just walked away rather than telling her life dealt you a lousy hand and you made a few mistakes.”

  “She still has her dreams, Bryan. It’s best she keep them, because I can’t give them to her anymore.”

  His best friend was still on his “honeymoon.” He’d lost all objectivity. He believed love could conquer all, heal all, forgive all. Little did he know.

  “Somehow I can’t see Emily wanting or needing anyone to give them to her. But sharing them is another issue altogether, isn’t it.”

  “She deserves better.” He and Bryan had been through this countless times in the past few months. Watching Bryan and Laura overcome obstacles had given him hope, until he’d come face to face with Emily.

  She wasn’t any too thrilled to see him. He’d tested the waters, giving her a chance to knock down the walls between them, or at least leave the door open a crack. In their years apart, Emily had perfected the technique of batting down all passes—including his, and those by his crew. At least she wasn’t discriminatory.

  “I’m still curious why you think you’re beyond forgiveness.”

  Kevin stared at the Ketchup-covered hash browns on the cast-iron platter. “I made a choice to disobey.”

  “And you think your mistakes are any different from the rest of ours? Don’t we all make those choices, whether consciously or subconsciously? Is the degree of error in His eyes any different?”

  Bryan looked at his watch, and Kevin realized it was time to get to the clinic. He placed a bill on the table, and both men stood.

  “Open your eyes, friend. He’s given you another chance to have everything you could ever want.”

  Kevin reflected on that for days before finally giving in to the logic. Even if He forgave him, Kevin reasoned, there was no guarantee that Emily could. Her scars went deep, and it would be like moving mountains to convince her that love could see them both through.

  Chapter Ten

  Kevin was reeling from the realization that Emily had spent the past years believing him a chauvinist. She had no idea how difficult it had been letting her go. How it had killed him knowing he couldn’t give the woman he dearly loved her every dream. How far he’d gone to try to bury the pain of her silent message—that their love wasn’t worth fighting for.

  He watched the snow f
all, remembering how much Emily loved winter. I remember my dad making that pathetic snowman, I loved it. We had a snowball fight, and then he took us girls to a restaurant for hot chocolate. The tears had blurred her vision and soaked his shirt. “Then what happened?” he’d asked. A week later, Dad left, and never came back. We had so much fun together, and he left. Kevin had held her and vowed never to hurt her.

  Kevin shook his head. I broke that promise. In her eyes, it was me that abandoned her. “I’m sorry, Emmy. Honest, I am.”

  He drove to Emily’s house, hoping she wouldn’t kick him out.

  Katarina answered, “Sorry, Kevin, she’s at the hospital. One of her patients had an asthma attack. Care to come in and visit for a few minutes?”

  Kevin turned and looked at the snow. He needed some advice, and Emily’s younger sister could be just the right person to give it. “Sure. I have a few questions. Maybe you could give me some answers.”

  Katarina flashed her cheery smile, and Kevin let the encouragement soak in. He stomped his boots outside before walking on the beige carpet. Katarina closed the door behind him and took his coat, while Kevin untied his boots to leave them on the rug by the door.

  “Would you like some cookies? Emily was up in the middle of the night baking them. Said something about a peace offering. You know what she’s talking about?”

  He followed Katarina from the entry to the kitchen to the dining room table. He eyed the flowers on the table and wondered who they were from. Seemed Emily always had fresh flowers. “Maybe.”

  “Maybe that’s why you’re here?” the perky blonde added as she poured him a tall glass of milk.

  He pulled the chair out for her, then sat down across the oak table and moved the flowers to one side. “Could be, but I’ll talk to your sister about that. How’s your mom?”