Searching for a Silver Lining

by Miranda Dickinson

  ‘You never did? That’s hilarious.’

  ‘I know. The things you learn on the road, huh?’

  ‘Now you sound like a true professional. Reenie would be proud.’ Gil’s hand wrapped around Mattie’s with a gentle squeeze. ‘I really don’t want to leave you tomorrow. Can’t we just carry on walking? See where we end up?’

  This was feeling dangerously like Mattie could fall too far at any minute. Wanting to protect herself, she forced a giggle. ‘Nice try. You have a concert to prepare for. What time’s your train?’

  ‘Four-thirty from Abergavenny. Reckon we’ll be done with Alys Davis by then?’

  ‘Our appointment is at ten a.m., so I should hope so. Reenie is obviously jealous of her but she talks about Alys very warmly. I think it’ll be straightforward – if Miss Silver behaves.’

  ‘She’s so jealous of Alys, isn’t she?’ Gil smirked, a little unkindly.

  ‘She is.’ Mattie didn’t want to think of the road trip now, but a subtle glance at her watch confirmed it was time to return to the others. ‘Talking of which . . .’

  ‘No, don’t say it.’

  ‘Gil, we have to.’

  ‘Don’t say it! Not yet!’ He gathered Mattie into his arms and began to kiss her. ‘Say we were unavoidably detained . . .’

  Mattie giggled, wanting more than anything to hide away in this beautiful place with him. ‘Who by? That lone angler over there? He doesn’t look the type.’

  ‘Say we got lost. Walking up a mountain. And they had to send out a search party. Which took hours. And the only way we could keep warm was to share our body heat . . .’

  ‘You’re dreadful!’ Mattie struggled out of his embrace. ‘Come on, we need to go.’

  ‘Five more minutes,’ he pleaded.

  And this time, it was Mattie who kissed him first.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  ‘Shake, Rattle and Roll’ – Bill Haley & His Comets

  ‘How are you feeling about tomorrow, Reen?’ Kelvin asked between mouthfuls of bread and butter, as the team ate dinner together that evening.

  ‘To be honest, I’ll be glad when we’re done and heading down to London. I mean, it’s been fun, but I am done with apologising. Looking forward to seeing little Alys, of course, even if she is the Queen of Wales these days.’

  ‘Were you friends when you were in The Silver Five?’

  ‘Oh, yes. Idolised me, she did. We were her first professional job, you know. Practically picked her up at King’s Cross station and shoved her straight on the stage. Gorgeous voice, but it took a bit of coaxing out of her. I’ve always felt the worst about lying to her when I went off. We talked about everything back in those days, and she felt like my little sister. They were all my family, like it or not, for nigh on five years. I mean, I saw them more often than me own flesh and blood, livin’ in each other’s pockets all the time. Alys and me would sit up in our digs long after the others had crashed, talkin’ about our dreams. She just wanted to sing, bless her. It was never about the stardom for her. I liked that – envied it, too. And now she’s the biggest bleedin’ star of all of us! I should have done that. Held everything lightly. My problem was that my ambition was bigger than anything else in my life.’ She pulled a face. ‘Bleedin’ hell, listen to me jabbering on! I need more wine. Mattie, Gil, help an old biddy over to the bar, would you?’

  It was a strange request, not least because Reenie had been more than capable of visiting the bar earlier. But the intent in her smile made Mattie and Gil do as she had asked. They made slow progress to the bar, and when they were almost there Reenie unlinked her arm from Mattie’s and turned back to make sure Kelvin and Pru were out of earshot.

  ‘It does my heart good to see what’s happening with the two of you. Now, don’t try denying it. You’re a proper pair of lovebirds. I know I’ve only known you a short time, Mattie – and Gil, even less – but you both mean a lot to me. I hope you know that.’

  ‘Of course we do.’

  She gave a contented sigh and patted Mattie’s cheek. ‘You’re a good girl. I’m sorry I dropped those two on you. But I hope you understand why?’

  Mattie glanced at Gil. ‘I’m starting to.’

  ‘You’re smashing, the pair of you,’ Reenie said, her voice suddenly cracking. ‘Would you take a walk with me?’

  ‘Now? But what about . . . ?’ Gil looked over towards Kelvin and Pru.

  ‘They’ll manage without us for five minutes.’ Reenie held out her hand and Gil took it. ‘Come on.’

  The sound of the river met the crunch of gravel as they walked out to a small garden in the hotel grounds. Mattie was aware of a stillness that had settled over Reenie. She stopped beside a slate bench and leaned on her walking cane, inhaling the sweet country air.

  ‘This place is beautiful, isn’t it? No wonder Alys wanted to live here.’ She smiled. ‘And now here I am with my two new favourite people. I know I’ve not been the easiest passenger, but we’ve had fun, haven’t we? And tomorrow we make our final visit and then the show . . . I wasn’t sure we’d pull it off, but here we are. That’s why I want to say this now, before the final push. Before it all gets too busy to talk. Sit down, will you?’

  ‘I couldn’t sit while you’re standing. Please—’

  Reenie rolled her eyes. ‘Gil Kendrick, just do as you’re told for once in your life! This won’t take long, and I’m not a complete invalid.’

  Amused, Mattie and Gil sat together.

  ‘Thank you. Now, I hope you know I’ve come to see you as surrogate grandkids – don’t giggle, Mattie! I’m serious. We started out as friends, but now you’re family, as far as I’m concerned.’ Her smile had gone, grey eyes earnest in her pale face. ‘You need to understand that.’

  It was a lovely gesture, but Mattie sensed more waited in the wings behind it.

  ‘And because I think of you like that, I want to tell you everything.’

  Mattie’s senses stood to attention. Could this be the last piece in the puzzle of what had happened at the Palm Grove? ‘Everything?’

  Reenie’s jaw tightened. ‘I want to explain what happened that night. Why I left. I’ve never told anybody else, because . . . well, I didn’t trust anyone enough to understand. But I think you two understand me.’

  Now Gil was listening too, his expression steady. ‘What happened, Reenie?’

  ‘I didn’t leave because I had a glittering career waiting for me. It came later, of course, but that’s not the reason I skipped the gig. And I didn’t let your grandad down, Gil. It was his idea.’

  ‘I don’t follow.’

  ‘Jake was the only one who knew the truth. He was a friend to me when nobody else was. And he kept my secret for the rest of his life.’

  Mattie could feel Gil beginning to tense beside her. ‘What secret? I thought Rico arranged it so you could leave the band.’

  ‘And why would I skip out on the biggest gig of my life? Think about it: even if my new contract was waiting backstage for me, why lose the chance to make a name for myself one last time as lead singer of The Silver Five?’

  ‘But that was Rico’s plan . . .’

  ‘No, love. That’s what I told everyone else. Better for them to think me a selfish cow than risk Rico learning the truth.’

  Mattie couldn’t take it in. Rico knew the truth, didn’t he? That he’d secretly brokered a solo contract with the record company, and was already planning Reenie’s first tour? It was what Reenie had insisted since they’d begun discussing the road trip – and what she’d repeated several times during the last week and a half. ‘I don’t understand . . .’

  Reenie’s body sagged as if the sheer effort of carrying her secret had finally proved too much. ‘I didn’t run away with Rico that night, Mattie. I was running away from him.’

  In a moment of stunned silence, her words arranged and rearranged themselves in Mattie’s mind and still made no sense. ‘Why?’

  ‘Because I was scared. And – pregnant.’


  The bombshell shattered the peace of the garden, blowing apart everything Mattie had assumed about the events of that night. She had pictured Reenie as a headstrong, ambitious performer, making a mistake she would only later regret. The folly of youth, giving no thought to the consequences of her actions until it was too late.

  ‘Whose baby was it?’ Gil’s question had an edge of ice that tipped Mattie’s nerves.

  ‘That’s the worst of it, Gil. I knew who the father was. But the father wanted it dead.’

  ‘But you said my grandfather knew. Are you saying . . . ?’

  ‘Gil—’

  ‘No, Mattie. She said Grandad knew about it. I want to know what she means by that.’

  ‘Did he? Did Jacob know?’ Mattie asked.

  ‘Who do you think opened the back door to let me go that night? Who paid for my cab fare out of town? Jake was the only one I knew would help me.’

  ‘Why would he do that? I didn’t even know you were that close to him.’

  ‘Because he thought the baby was his! He thought he was saving his kid.’

  The last of Reenie’s words came out as a sob, echoing around the drystone walls of the garden. The wind momentarily stolen from his sails, Gil could only stare dumbfounded back at her.

  ‘Oh, Reenie . . .’ Mattie’s heart ached for her friend. How could she have kept this hidden for so many years?

  ‘You see? This was why I almost didn’t tell you. No good comes of knowing the truth. I thought you of all people would understand that, love.’

  ‘But I’m here because I want to know the truth. However hurtful it is.’

  ‘Even with your cheating chap? Wouldn’t life have been better if you’d been none the wiser? If you’d had your lovely house and your dream wedding, and just been happy?’

  Mattie shook her head. ‘No. Because it wouldn’t have been real. And I would have found out, years down the line. The truth always comes out, Reenie. It always does.’

  ‘Why did Grandad think it was his baby?’ Gil’s question was a quiet demand. Mattie could feel pain etched into the surface of every word.

  ‘Love, you don’t want to know . . .’

  ‘I said, why?’

  Reenie let out a sigh that seemed to carry the weight of years. ‘I found out I was carrying it in Edinburgh, just before we came back to London for the gig. Doctor reckoned I was three months gone. Forgive me, Gil, but I knew it was Rico’s. I was young and I was an idiot. I didn’t think of the consequences of anything, just followed my stupid heart. It wasn’t the first time it had happened to Rico: he’d got a young band singer knocked up about a year before he met me. He was married then, too. He said he’d sent her away to friends in the West Country who would raise the kid as their own. But my mate Ruby knew different. She told me he’d forced the girl to get rid of it. Down some horrible, seedy back alley somewhere. She died. She was twenty-four. Same age as me. Well, I didn’t want a kid, but I sure as hell didn’t want the alternative. So I lied.’

  She looked up at Gil, as if willing him to understand. But Gil couldn’t raise his eyes to look at her. Mattie could feel shock and pain almost radiating out of his body, but she was powerless to reach it. This was far beyond the borders of their fledgling relationship; and if she intervened to stop the discussion now, Reenie might never reveal the full truth.

  ‘What was the lie?’ she asked, breath tight in her throat, already suspecting the answer.

  ‘I’d met Jake Kendrick six months before and, oh, he was a smashing bloke. Funny, kind, handsome as all get-out. He was everything Rico wasn’t. I used to visit him at the club, after closing time. Just for drinks and a natter. That’s all it started as. But we got really close, and then just before I left to do the month of gigs in Scotland, we spent the night together. Gil, I need you to know that it wasn’t just a fling for me. I really liked him. I thought when I got back from the tour we’d have a chance. But then on the train up, Rico told me your grandad was engaged. He’d never told me that. It broke my heart.’

  ‘You’re lying. He wouldn’t have cheated on my grandmother. She was his world . . .’

  ‘That’s as maybe, but I wasn’t the one who started it, son. I’m sorry to tell you, because I know you idolise him. But he never said he had anyone. I thought he was free. If I’d known, it would never have happened. I didn’t want to be someone’s bit on the side anymore. It was no way to live. I was sick of it with Rico.’

  ‘So you went for revenge on him by lying about your baby?’

  Reenie reddened, jabbing her stick at Gil. ‘Don’t you dare suggest that! I didn’t know I was already pregnant when I slept with him. I’d been feeling poorly for a while, but I put it down to working too much. I fainted during rehearsal in Edinburgh, and the stage manager called a doctor. That was when I found out. I knew I was too far gone for it to have been Jake’s. I wished with all me heart it had been. But I was terrified of Rico finding out. So I chose what I thought was the best of a bad deal. I told Jake the baby was his. He was a good man and I knew he’d look after me. I wasn’t wrong, either. He was wonderful. Promised me and the kid would be looked after. And I believed him. What other choice did I have?’

  ‘So why did he let you leave the Palm Grove that night?’

  ‘Someone told Rico, two days before the Palm Grove gig. He was livid. Blamed me for wrecking my career. And then he said he knew a bloke in Soho who could “help me out”. He was going to take me there that night, after the gig . . .’ She shuffled backwards, dropping heavily onto the low stone wall that circled the garden, hugging her arms to her body.

  ‘Oh Reenie, no . . .’ Mattie went to help her, but Reenie held up a hand to stop her.

  ‘Don’t, love. I’m all right. You wanted to know the truth. So let me say it.’ Confident that Mattie wasn’t coming any closer, she continued. ‘I was sick with worry and I didn’t know what to do. Jake saw it, and I had to tell him. So we made a plan: I’d do the sound-check with the group, then wait for Rico to go for his drink, like he always did before a gig. He’d go up to the manager’s office of the clubs we played in with a bottle of whisky and share a dram or two before the doors opened. His ‘little extravagance’, he called it, to keep the promoters sweet. He was known in London for it, and the club owners loved him for bringing the best single malts.

  ‘Jake settled him in his office, and then left one of his associates to keep Rico busy while he helped me out of the back door. He’d arranged a cab outside and a room in a boarding house in Brighton for me to stay in until I could figure out what to do next. I couldn’t tell the others because one of them might have let something slip to Rico – and then we’d have been done for. I knew full well what I was giving up: all my dreams, everything I’d worked for. But I couldn’t let him take my baby. Gil, Jacob did the right thing. He looked after me so well. You should be proud of him.’

  Gil’s frame was cast into silhouette as a security light snapped on behind him. ‘Don’t tell me how to feel about my own grandfather! So when did he find out the baby wasn’t his?’

  Reenie hung her head. ‘He never found out.’

  ‘What are you saying? Did he assume he had another child living somewhere?’

  Mattie could suddenly see where Reenie’s story might be heading, turning to warn him. ‘Maybe we should leave this here for now? It’s getting cold, and we’re all tired . . .’

  ‘She’s asking me to believe that my grandfather, who adored his wife and loved his family, knew he had another child from an affair. That isn’t somewhere you can leave a conversation!’

  ‘Mattie, let him be.’

  ‘You don’t have to tell us any more,’ Mattie urged, seeing evidence of her pain before any words.

  ‘I do, love. Not for his sake, but for mine. I lost the baby, Gil. Two months later. The woman who ran the boarding house was like a mother to me that night. She took my little one away and she looked after me for two weeks, day in, day out. Even slept in my room, in case I needed comforting in
the night. News got back to Jake, and it broke his heart. Because he thought his baby had died. Without that, there was no obligation to have me. I wouldn’t hear of it. He’d done enough, more than enough. I would’ve stayed friends if I could, but I knew it was over. He couldn’t look at me without seeing the kid he could’ve had. And he did love your grandma, Gil. He was so upset that he’d cheated on her. I’m guessing he took that secret with him to wherever he is now.’

  Mattie closed her eyes, the horror of what had happened finally sinking in. ‘That’s so awful. For all of you.’

  ‘Why should I believe you, Reenie? My grandfather was a good man. He loved his family.’

  Mattie turned to Gil, shocked by the venom in his question.

  ‘Kid, it’s the truth. He was a wonderful man. I’m sorry I hurt him. I’d do anything to take it back.’

  ‘I can’t listen to this.’

  Mattie reached for him. ‘Gil, calm down.’

  ‘No, I won’t! She lied to my grandad. What makes you think she’s telling the truth now? All right, Reenie, answer me this: if Rico was such a monster, how come barely a year later he was masterminding your solo career, eh? If you hated him that much, why did he stay on as your manager for the next ten years?’

  ‘Because I had to support myself.’

  ‘I suppose with no baby to hold you back you could do what you liked, couldn’t you?’

  ‘That’s enough, Gil!’

  ‘One question, Reenie: did you ever love my grandfather? Or was he just someone you used to cover up your grubby mistake?’

  ‘Gil! You’re talking about a child here.’

  ‘A child Jake thought was his – a child he secretly grieved over for the rest of his life. You condemned him to carry that pain and never be able to tell anyone about it. How could you hurt him like that?’

  ‘Reenie had that hurt, too . . .’

  ‘But he didn’t need to, don’t you get that? She lied to him.’