by Ellie Wade
I shrug. “And you could never be anything more to me.”
Liam stares at me, his expression pained.
“I . . . I’m going to call it a day. I’ll work on this mess tomorrow.”
He nods once, and I walk out of the office as quickly as possible. I don’t turn back around to look at him before I leave, but I don’t need to. I know the heartbreaking expression he wears without even seeing it. I know it because I saw it when I was sixteen, and it’s been haunting me ever since.
Chapter Ten
Liam
Seventeen Years Old
THIS IS A MISTAKE, I think to myself as I walk toward Mrs. Turner’s house. This is a huge mistake.
I shouldn’t be so nervous to see Leni, but after the way things were left between us last summer, I am. Truth is, things have been pretty rough between us for a few years now. I don’t know why. Every June is the same, I excitedly welcome Leni back as I always have and then some mystery catalyst sets her off and she blows up on me and storms off. I’ve racked my brain, trying to figure out the reason, and I come up empty-handed every time.
One day, Leni was my best friend, and the next, she wasn’t. There was no rhyme or reason to her behavior either. I know she has a rough home life. She has shitty-ass parents, and it takes a toll on her. I’ve chalked our hot-and-cold relationship over the past few summers to her stress over her parents. I mean, what else could it be?
My dad and I were passing Mrs. Turner’s farm a few weeks ago when I saw Leni’s mom’s Lexus in the driveway. Her mom always drops her off around the same time every summer. So, I know she’s here. I waited for her to run over to our property to see me like she used to, but she hasn’t come over yet. She’s been here for twelve days—not that I’m counting or anything—and she hasn’t come to see me. I don’t understand it.
But, screw it, it’s my seventeenth birthday, and I want to see my best friend—if she can even be classified as that anymore.
I walk up the wooden steps that lead up the back porch. Leni comes to the door before I even knock. It gives me a renewed hope, as if maybe she was waiting for me to come, watching.
She opens the door and steps out into the scorching summer heat.
“Hey,” I say.
“Hey,” she answers.
She looks the same but different. Her hair is short, falling about chin-level. It has a funky cut to it, and chunks of her hair kind of go every which way. I can’t say this cut would be flattering on anyone, but somehow, it makes Leni even more beautiful.
“I have my dad’s truck. Do you want to drive into town or something? We could get some ice cream,” I offer.
“I don’t know.”
“Please, Len. I haven’t seen you in almost a year. It’s my birthday. Come hang with me.”
“That’s right. Well, happy birthday.” Her words seem forced.
“Thanks. Say you’ll come out,” I urge.
She sighs. “Okay, let me go tell Mimi.”
I wait anxiously for a couple of minutes for her to return. She does, and we start walking toward the truck.
“Your hair looks good,” I tell her.
“No, it doesn’t,” she scoffs.
“I think it does. You could pull off any hairstyle you wanted.”
We hop in the truck, and I start it, making sure to crank up the air-conditioning.
“I did it myself. I just grabbed chunks and started chopping it off,” she tells me.
“To piss your mom off?”
“Yep,” she answers.
“Did it work?” I ask even though I already know the answer.
“Sure did,” Leni says with a smile.
I drive toward town and notice Leni picking at her nails. There are remnants of black nail polish still there.
I nod toward her hands. “Black, huh?”
“Yeah. I attempted to anger my mom by becoming goth this past year,” she says.
“Goth?”
“Yep.”
“How goth? Are we talking black clothes and lots of dark makeup?”
I can’t imagine Leni with that style, but I’m sure she wore it well. She wears everything well.
“Oh, yeah. As dark as I could be. You know, all black clothes, black leather bands around my wrists and neck, black nails, combat boots, and eyeliner and dark makeup for days.”
“I’m sure it drove your parents insane.” I laugh.
“Pretty much. My mom’s been angry for a year straight. I’m surprised she hasn’t given herself a stroke or something. Dad’s been busy. I don’t see him much anyway, and when I do, he just looks at me with an indifferent expression. I think he’s over caring, not that he ever cared anyway.”
“Well, I’m so glad you’re here. When did you get here?” Not that I don’t know.
“A few days ago or so.” Her voice sounds bored.
“Listen, Len, I’m not sure what’s been going on between us lately. Honestly, it doesn’t matter. It’s just so good to see you. I’ve missed you like crazy.” I open up to her despite my better judgment. Yet the only way I know how to be with Leni is honest.
She was my confidant for so long; it’s impossible for me to hide my feelings from her, and I don’t want to. I want our friendship back. I want my Leni back. The one who had a way of making every summer break nothing short of magical. The one who would talk my ear off. The one who would make me laugh until I had tears streaming down my face. My best friend. My Leni girl.
The atmosphere within the truck cab changes instantly.
“Take me back,” Leni demands, her voice cold and firm.
“Leni,” I reply soothingly.
“Now, William! Take me back.”
After a quick look in my mirrors, I brake and turn the steering wheel, doing a U-turn in the road. Leni holds on to the dash as the tires squeal against the pavement.
I squeeze the steering wheel until my hands hurt. I’ve never been an angry person, but Leni makes me so furious that I just want to punch something. I only have a few minutes with her before we’re back at her grandma’s farm, and I have a sick feeling that these few fleeting moments are the last I’ll have with her this summer. We’re right back to where we were last year, and I’m just as confused.
“What in the hell is wrong, Eleanora? Seriously? What is wrong?” I yell.
“Don’t call me that!”
“Really, we’re going there? I’m pretty sure that you’re the one who just started the first-name insults. I don’t understand you. Why are you being this way? What have I done?” I press her for answers.
“Whatever,” she says as she looks out the window.
“No, I want answers. This isn’t fair,” I huff out.
“Life isn’t fair, William. Get over it.”
“I deserve to know why our friendship has resorted to this. Damn it, Leni. I haven’t done anything wrong, yet you treat me like shit. I want to know why.” I spread out my fingers on each hand, allowing the blood to flow again. My grasp on the steering wheel was so tight that my hands started to go numb.
We pull into her grandma’s drive, and she reaches for the door handle.
I grab her hand. “Stop. Before you go stomping away, I want to know what’s going on. I deserve to know.”
My stare catches hers and holds her there. I see the pain and regret in her eyes, but those feelings don’t translate to her words.
“We’re not friends. We haven’t been for a long time. There’s nothing to say, except that you need to get over it. Just because you exist, William Moore, it doesn’t give you the right to be my friend. It takes two to maintain a relationship, and you’re the only one who wants it. I don’t want you in my life! How much clearer can I be?”
“Leni—” I begin.
“No! You’re not listening to me. I don’t want any sort of relationship with you. God, you’re such a loser, coming over here on your birthday and guilting me into hanging out with you. You’re fucking pathetic. Go home. Find new friends. Leave me alone.”
Her words are like a slap in the face. They’re cold and ugly. Nothing like the girl I know—or knew.
There are so many things I want to say, but the words don’t come. I know, in this moment, that this is it. This will be my last few seconds with Leni. I won’t try anymore after the words she just spoke.
I want to say cruel things back because she deserves to hurt like I am, but I can’t.
I know we’re meant to be friends. I see it in her eyes, just as I feel it in my heart. I want to tell her that she’s wrong, but I can’t.
I want to beg her to reason, but I can’t.
I want to do and say so many things, but I can’t.
All I can do is watch as she jumps down from the truck and slams the door. My heart breaks as she stomps off toward the house. I pray for a backward glance, any indication that she regrets the last few moments, but none comes. She walks away from me with purpose.
Everything within me feels hollow, empty. It’s a desperate sensation that’s hard to comprehend. It’s more than just pain. I’ve been hurt before, but this is different, and somehow, it’s so much worse. At least with pain, I can still feel. Right now, there’s an eerie vacancy within my chest, a hole that I’d give anything to fill. I know that it will never again be filled with Leni. And, despite everything she just said, that sucks. It fucking sucks.
Chapter Eleven
Leni
Present Day
I LIE, SPRAWLED OUT ON the couch, a plate of deliciousness in my lap. “Mimi, you’re an enabler,” I say through a mouthful of freshly baked bread and jam.
Mimi chuckles from her rocking chair, holding a mug of tea.
“Seriously, stop making me feel better for being a horrible human being.” I take another bite of bread. A glob of butter falls onto my shirt. “Crap.” I sit up, bring my shirt to my mouth, and lick it off.
“You should go put that in the washer. Butter will leave a grease stain,” Mimi tells me.
“Good. It’s what I deserve. You know what? You’re right; I’m my own worst enemy. I don’t know why I do what I do. I’m mean. I push people away. Why do I do that?” I beg Mimi for answers.
“Are you ready to tell me what happened?” Mimi asks, her voice soothing.
“He kissed me.” I shrug. “Then, he told me that he’s always loved me, so I said something that I knew would hurt his feelings, and then I walked away. Why do I do that? Why do I say things to hurt him when he’s always been so nice to me? It’s just like when I was sixteen.” I shake my head, thinking back to the cruel words I said to him then.
“Did you want him to kiss you?” she asks.
“Yes,” I admit. “But I don’t want him to love me.”
She chuckles. “Well, my dear, sometimes, you don’t have control over that. What’s wrong with him loving you? You’re worthy of love.”
“No, I’m not. Not his. I’m going to hurt him and leave him. He doesn’t deserve that—again.”
“Why do you say that? How do you know you’ll do those things?”
I sigh. “Because it’s what I do, Mimi. I alienate myself from people. . I’m not going to stay here. I can’t live in Texas! What if I fall for him, and then I’m stuck here forever? I will have ruined my life. I’m an artist. I’m not meant to be here. I have to stay focused on my goals, my dreams. I can’t settle. I won’t change who I am for love. And you know what? Liam is the type of guy who will make me want to. So, why would I allow something to happen when I know how it will end? I’m trying to be the good guy here, but I know he only sees me as the bad one.”
“Let me tell you a story,” Mimi says. “Once, there was a little princess whose energy was so bright, it lit up the room when she entered. She was smart and funny. She was artistic and brave. She loved with her whole heart, and she wore her emotions on her sleeve. This sweet girl lived with her parents, the king and queen. Her parents possessed none of the same qualities. They were cold and selfish. They valued things like power and money over family and happiness. They tried to change the free-spirited princess. But she refused to let them dull her sparkle. Yet, over time, the king and queen pushed the princess down so much that she had a hard time getting up. But she did . . . time and time again. Yet, each time she rose from the insults, she would put another layer of protection over her heart, and in doing so, she started to drive away the ones who loved her.”
Mimi stops to take a sip of her tea. Unwanted tears fall from my eyes, and my lip trembles.
Mimi continues, “She vowed to herself that she would never be like her parents. She set goals for her life, and the second she could break free, she did. Except, now, she kept her bright energy buried. She guarded her heart and withheld her love. Because, though the princess was strong, she was scared. She’d been let down by those who were supposed to love her the most. She didn’t realize it, but she was pushing away those who could love her in the future, out of fear of the past and getting hurt again.
“But what the princess needs to understand is that people like her parents are not the norm, and by guarding her heart, she’s forever condemning herself to a life of loneliness. Sure, she might get hurt in the future, but if she doesn’t try, she’ll never be set free. She’ll never be truly happy.”
Mimi sets her tea down on the end table beside her and rises from her rocker. She comes over to me and sits beside me, wrapping her loving arms around my shoulders. I lean into her and cry.
“I don’t want to be stuck here,” I say with a sniffle.
“Leni girl, Texas isn’t the enemy. A place doesn’t make or break your happiness; the people you surround yourself with do. You’re already an artist, regardless of where you call home. I know you’re trying to get away from everything associated with your parents, but, honey, you’re only hurting yourself.”
“My parents really messed me up, didn’t they?”
Mimi sadly shakes her head. “I wish I could’ve done more. Know that I tried. I begged to keep you full-time, but they wouldn’t have it. I was lucky to get you for the summers.”
“The only reason you got summers was probably because they were so annoyed with me. I didn’t make it easy on them throughout the school year.” I can’t help but smile.
“You were and are a tenacious little thing.” She wipes some of my tear-soaked hair off my face. “I admire that about you. So much.” Mimi looks me in the eyes. “Leni, you are no longer a little girl without options. You’re a grown woman. Your parents no longer have any control over you. So, stop giving it to them. Make your own decisions. Be the person you’re meant to be. Live a good life.”
“So, you think I should give Liam a chance?” I ask.
“I think you should listen to your heart. Don’t let fear control your decisions, but instead, let hope guide them. I don’t know if Liam is the one for you, sweetie, and you won’t either unless you try. I do know that boy has a heart of gold, and he has adored you since the two of you were young. He’s something special, and whether it’s you or someone else . . . he’s going to make some lady really happy someday.” She smiles warmly.
“Yeah, he’s definitely one of the good ones,” I agree. “He’s really nothing like my father, is he?”
Mimi actually snorts, and it causes me to laugh along with her. “Absolutely not! Is that what you’re worried about? That you’ll end up with someone like your dad?”
I nod my head because, deep down, I think that’s my biggest fear. I saw what love for my father turned my mother into, and I vowed early on that I would never love someone the way my mother loved my father. I would never lose myself like that.
“Leni, you grew up with a horrible example of what love is. I wish you were older when your pops passed. He was a good man, and we loved each other as much as two people could. It was beautiful. I want that for you.” She grins at me before pulling me into a hug.
I hug her tight because I don’t know where I’d be today without her. I only got her in the summers, but it was enough to keep me sane. It w
as enough to keep me fighting.
“I love you so much,” I tell her. I realize I probably don’t tell her that enough.
“And I love you more than anything, my Leni girl. You’re going to be okay.”
***
I take off my butter-stained shirt and wash my face. After running a brush through my hair, I throw it up into a ponytail.
I have to go find Liam and apologize. I’ve hurt him too much in the past. It’s time to grow the hell up and make it right. The talk with Mimi just now really resonated with me. She’s totally right; I’m an adult. I get to choose how I’m going to live my life, and there’s no way I’m going to let my parents’ darkness control my decisions anymore.
I find Liam out in the barn, fussing over a baby calf.
“Oh my goodness. She’s so adorable,” I say, causing Liam to turn around.
He smiles weakly. “She sure is,” he says before turning away.
“Um, listen, Liam . . . I was wondering if I could talk to you?” I don’t miss the way his back rises and falls in response to my words.
He wipes his hands on his jeans. “Leni, it’s fine. You made yourself clear. It won’t happen again. Let’s move on. I can’t do this with you again.”
He looks so defeated, and I know he’s referring to everything I put him through when we were teenagers. Guilt fills my chest.
I pull in a deep breath, and I continue, “I want to tell you that I’m sorry. I’m so sorry . . . for everything. I had no right to treat you as my punching bag when we were younger. I had no right to say what I did back in the office.”
He scoffs, “Well, at least you’re honest. Right?”
“But that’s the thing. I’m not, and I haven’t been honest with you or anyone else for a long time. I’ve just been . . . lost, I guess. I truly don’t want what I said in your office. I said it to push you away.” I chuckle dryly. “I suppose I’ve said a lot of things over the years to push you away.”
He pins me with his stare, and in it, I see hope.
“What are you saying, Len?”
I let out a loud breath. “I’m saying, I’m sorry.”
“And?” he questions.
