You’ll Understand When You’re Dead: Broken Heart Vampires Book 12

by Michele Bardsley

  “Look, Jerry,” she said gently, “I don’t know why you’re here. I didn’t call you. But if you need help, I can refer you to someone. Someone who isn’t me.”

  “Am I interrupting?”

  Natalie looked across Jerry’s shiny head at Matt Dennison. He was bare-chested for some reason. She couldn’t stop her gaze from gliding over his pectorals to his abs, all tight hard muscle. Her mouth went dry. Then she noticed the T-shirt he held in front of him filled with apples.

  “You got those for me?”

  “If the lady wants apples for pie, then apples for pie the lady shall get.”

  “Who is he?” demanded Jerry. He pinned Natalie with an accusing stare. “You said dead people. He shouldn’t be in the running, because he’s obviously still breathing.” A diamond the size of a marble appeared among the roses. “I was here first! So marry me.”

  Natalie blinked down at the ghost. “I just met you five minutes ago,” she said.

  “We’ll have centuries to get to know each other. Well, you know, after you die.” He peered at her. “When do you think that’ll happen?”

  “Never,” she said. “I’m already undead.”

  He sighed. The roses in his hand wilted, and then faded away. The engagement ring disappeared, too. “I came on too strong, didn’t I?”

  He was too pathetic to be a serial killer or even a really effective stalker. She sorta felt bad for him, because he was dead and being a spirit was no picnic. Still. Why in the hell did he believe she was on the ghost-dating market?

  Jerry puffed himself up, straightened eye-bleeding orange tie and faced Natalie. “I’m not a quitter,” he said. “That’s why I was named Salesman of the Year five years running. I sold insurance, in case you’re wondering. But that’s not really a skill you need in the afterlife.”

  Panic rose inside her as she realized Jerry was not going to go away. If she wanted him gone, he’d have to be exorcised, and she hated doing that because the ghosts were relegated to the world-between-worlds. Limbo.

  Shit.

  She glanced at Matt and saw his amused expression. This is so not funny.

  Oh, it’s funny.

  Natalie blinked. You can hear my thoughts?

  I’d be able to hear your thoughts if I was on Mars. You’re blasting them like the speakers at a KISS concert.

  Get out of my head. She imagined shoving Matt outside a big, metal door and slamming it shut. She felt some satisfaction when she saw him flinch.

  “This is a little awkward,” said Jerry, in a massive understatement. “Perhaps I could go inside while you tell him off.”

  “You can’t go into my house.”

  “But you are going to tell him off, right?” asked Jerry, hopefully.

  “No, she’s not,” said Matt. He tied up his T-shirt and placed the apple-laden material onto a nearby table. Then he reached forward and took Natalie’s hand, drawing her into his embrace. “You see, Jerry. We’re already engaged.”

  Chapter Two

  Natalie couldn’t believe what she’d just heard. Matt looked at her for confirmation, and she realized that it was either a sudden engagement with the psychic or dealing with a wanna-be ghost boyfriend.

  “He’s definitely my fiancé,” she said.

  “Yep. Here I am,” said Matt. “In the flesh.”

  Jerry bristled. “Flesh is overrated.” He reached and patted Natalie’s arm. He looked shocked—and then he patted her again. “I can feel you,” he said. He pinched her.

  “Ow!”

  “You can feel me, too.”

  He reached for her arm again, and she moved away from him and closer to Matt. “Will you please stop that?”

  “It’s been so long since I could touch someone—I mean on the earthly plane. In the spirit realm you don’t really need human sensory experiences.”

  “Maybe you should go back to the spirit realm,” she said.

  “Oh, I can’t do that. The door’s closed. It was only open crack, mind you, but several us made it through.”

  Natalie and Matt shared a startled glance, and then stared at Jerry.

  “Someone opened a portal in Broken Heart?” asked Matt. “How many spirits escaped?”

  Jerry shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s not like we had a meeting.” He looked at Natalie. “You probably shouldn’t have asked us for a love life if you already had one.”

  “You’ve been busy,” Matt whispered into her ear. His warm breath tickled the sensitive skin, and she shivered. Not to mention she was pressed against his muscled form and, for some reason, she felt hot. Liquid. Melting into the heat of Matt. Oh, no. No, no, no. The last time she listened to her va-jay-jay, she ended up dead.

  “I didn’t put out a call,” she finally said.

  “Don’t deny it. This is preposterous.” Jerry pulled down his ill-fitting powder-blue jacket and straightened into a stiff I’m-not-leaving stance. “I don’t think you fell in love with this tall hairy—cretin.” He nodded sharply at Matt. “That’s right. Cretin.”

  “Did he just call me a cretin?”

  “Yes,” Natalie said, glancing at Matt’s amazed features. “Of the tall, hairy variety.”

  He frowned, his expression not at all friendly. What if he didn’t take insults well? What if cretin was a rage word—and it turned him into a heaving, maniacal psychic? She wondered if he could blow stuff up with his mind.

  Suddenly, Matt leaned down and whispered, “What’s a cretin?”

  “It’s not a compliment, “she whispered back, looking at Jerry. She couldn’t help but feel sorry for the infatuated ghost.

  Jerry watched Matt stroke her arm, and he turned an alarming shade of red for a creature without a pulse. He heaved a breath, ran a palm over his head, and said, “I’m not giving you up without a fight.”

  “It appears our ghostly friend needs convincing,” Matt said. The rich timbre of his voice had a liquid quality that made her nerves tingle. The lazy intent glittering in his green eyes warned her, but before she could protest, he lowered his head and pressed warm, soft lips against her mouth. Shocked into stillness, she didn’t move when Matt pulled her closer and deepened the kiss. He tasted of coffee and mint, and his lips did not demand, but coaxed. She responded far too easily, but it had been a long time since she’d been kissed. And she couldn’t remember the experience ever being like this. His tongue flicked the corner of her mouth, and a pure jolt of electricity zapped the pit of her stomach. She pulled back and found herself hanging onto Matt’s broad shoulders and gasping for breath.

  “Oh dear,” Jerry said. His round face deflated like a balloon. “I guess that’s it, then.”

  Jerry’s morose features sent pinpricks of guilt through Natalie. Then he offered a beaming smile. His chubby fingers squeezed her arm. “Don’t worry, sweetie. I’ll be here to pick up the pieces of your heart when this flesh-freak breaks it.” Jerry glared at Matt. “Muscles and good looks aren’t everything, you know.”

  Then he shuffled off the porch, down the sidewalk, and faded into mist, drifting away.

  “This isn’t good,” she said. “We need to tell Patsy that there’s a lovesick ghost propositioning women.”

  “I didn’t get any bad vibes from him,” said Matt. “He’s more confused than anything.”

  Natalie found herself staring at his mouth, and that reminded her that she’d just been the recipient of those fantastic lips.

  “You didn’t need to kiss me,” she said. She really should step away from him. The problem was that her body did not want to listen to her brain, and it didn’t help that Muscular Matt seemed content to keep her in his arms.

  “All in the line of duty, Natalie.”

  She pried herself out of his embrace. “I really have no idea what Jerry is talking about, by the way. I didn’t send out any kind of invite for some supernatural love life. I’m just fine on my own,” she said, not really believing her line about being fine on her own. She looked at his T-shirt full of fruit bounty, then s
neaked a glance at his naked, chiseled abs the shirt no longer covered, and back to the apples. Yum. “It was nice of you to get the apples.”

  “I’m a nice guy.”

  She wasn’t sure how to respond to that, so she said nothing. Instead, she picked up the shirt and said, “Come inside. I’ll put the apples in the kitchen and give you back your shirt.”

  A shame, really. The man should never, ever wear shirts.

  Matt followed her into the house, and she knew his curious gaze was taking in her eclectic knick-knacks, the comfortable furniture, and the walls filled with abstract art.

  “What brings you to Broken Heart?” she asked. She untied the shirt and poured the apples into the farmhouse sink. She resisted the urge to toss the shirt into the garbage disposal and hit the switch. Instead, she handed it back to him. “Here you go.”

  Matt put it on, much to her disappointment, and smiled. “Patsy offered me a job.”

  “Resident psychic?”

  “Something like that.”

  “Hmm.” She put the apples into a colander and rinsed them. “I thought Vedere psychics stayed in their communes.”

  “Most of them do. One of our younger members was Turned, and she lives here now. We stayed in touch, and when I decided to go my own way, I thought Broken Heart would be a good place to settle. Queen Patsy agreed and … here I am.”

  Natalie thought he was giving her a very sanitized version of what had happened, but it wasn’t her business anyway. She had her own past with secrets that she preferred no one knew, especially Kimmie. Her daughter didn’t know about her dad, the vampire cult, or the fact that he’d sacrificed Natalie to the “Dark One.”

  His real name had been Phil. But he made his cultists called him Dark One.

  Gawd.

  “Do you?” Matt asked.

  Natalie blinked, jarred out of her thoughts by the sound of his voice. “Do I what?”

  He put his hand on his heart. “Ouch. I asked if you wanted to go out. I mean if we’re going to get married, we should probably date first.” He grinned.

  She couldn’t resist grinning back. “You have a point.” Then she shook her head. “I don’t date. Ever.”

  “Why?”

  Because I was tricked into a blind date with the vampire who killed me. And, oh yeah, my ex-husband set it all up because he’s a jerkface. And now that I’m a vampire, there’s no such thing as a one-night stand, and I’m not up for another long-term relationship. “It’s a long story,” she said.

  His gaze flicked to her mouth, and she couldn’t help but remember that hot kiss he’d planted on her. She had a feeling he wanted to do it again.

  So did she. A lot.

  “Well, do you suppose I’ve at least earned a pie?” he asked.

  “You jerked me out of a tree, and then let a cow chase me down a hill.” She hid her smile. “I hardly think that’s pie-worthy behavior.”

  “I saved you from the ghost.”

  “Yes. He was terrifying.” She put a hand to her chest. “Thanks for your gallant protection,” she said drily.

  “I could kiss you again.”

  Natalie turned and looked up at him. “You know the deal with vampires, right? Dating leads to sex, and sex with vampires leads to hundred-year marriages.”

  “No dating,” he said. “Got it. But I can have a pie, right?”

  “Yes,” she said, relenting. “I will make you an apple pie.”

  “Thank you.” He looked as though he might do something stupid, like kiss her again. “I have to meet Patsy in a few minutes. I’ll tell her about Jerry and the portal he mentioned.”

  “Thanks. Swing by later,” she said. “So you can get your dessert.”

  She wished he was the dessert, but gorgeous men with meltingly good kissing techniques were not on the menu. Too bad because Matt looked yummy, and she bet he tasted yummy, too.

  He waved at her. “See you soon, Natalie.”

  There was a promise in his voice, and she had the feeling he hadn’t given up on the dating thing. He left the kitchen, and she heard the front open and shut. She leaned against the kitchen counter, trying to shake off the lust clinging to her like so much powdered sugar.

  Yeah. Not happening.

  “Sorry about the meeting place,” said Patsy as Matt sat down next to her on the stone bench. Stretched out before them was the Broken Heart cemetery. “This is the quietest spot in town.”

  “How are your children?”

  “Currently torturing their father.”

  Matt laughed. His gaze strayed to a nearby tree, and he thought of Natalie. He liked her. He thought she probably liked him too. He’d never dated a vampire before, but Natalie was easy to be around—beautiful, funny, and she baked. He was a sucker for dessert.

  “Vera called me.”

  Matt’s stomach squeezed. His ex-fiancé was a member of the Supreme Council, one of the top Vedere psychics who oversaw the American branches of the psychic society. They were the paranormal world’s prophets—a heady responsibility. A year ago, Matt had discovered Vera was sleeping with another council member. Her deception unraveled from there. She wasn’t in love with Matt. She wanted his power. She wanted to make a play for Vedere leadership—a play that could well fracture the society. She’d been recruiting some of the most talented of the Vedere. Matt wanted no part of her machinations. So, he left. He spent that time traveling, thinking, and finally, deciding what he wanted for his future—a future that did not include the Vera, the Vederes, or issuing prophesies.

  “What did she want?” he asked softly.

  “She says she has a prophecy for Broken Heart and wants to deliver it in person.”

  “Don’t trust her, Patsy.”

  “I told her no. The Vedere psychics can suck it as far as I’m concerned.” Patsy patted his leg in a motherly fashion. “You’re safe here.”

  “I know.”

  Patsy’s gaze swept over the cemetery, and then her eyes widened. “Is that a cow?”

  Matt followed her gaze and saw the ghost cow again. It was munching on the grass near a row of moss-covered tombstones. It lifted its head and mooed.

  “Definitely a cow,” said Matt. “I saw him earlier in a field outside my neighborhood.”

  “Animal spirits never linger.”

  Matt explained what had happened earlier in the evening, from Natalie hiding in the tree to Jerry the Libidinous Ghost. He skipped the part about the fake engagement and the promising kiss that curled his toes.

  “A portal. Well, damn.”

  The cow mooed again and meandered away, drifting into mist.

  “We’ll have to stay alert about spirit activity,” said Patsy. “And find out why a portal opened at all.”

  “Um … Patsy?”

  “Yeah?”

  Matt pointed. Dead people were crawling out of the same graves where Ghost Cow had tried to nibble grass. Coincidence?

  “It’s been a while since we had a zombie outbreak,” said Patsy. “I guess I should put ‘em back to sleep.”

  “A vampire queen’s work is never done,” said Matt.

  “True story.”

  Natalie slid into the café’s bright red booth, ordered a cup of coffee and the biggest piece of peanut butter pie available.

  Jessica and Eva looked at her with raised eyebrows.

  “It’s been that kind of day,” she said. “Don’t judge.”

  “Judge? I’m inspired,” said Jess. “I want one, too.”

  “You should probably just bring us the whole pie and three forks,” said Eva.

  The waitress nodded and left.

  Natalie was dying to ask the girls, mated vampires themselves, about dating, love, and the dirt on Matt Dennison. Alas, she had another topic that needed to be discussed first.

  “I think Kimmie has a crush.”

  Eva, who sat next to Natalie, squeezed her shoulder in a show of support. “She’s sixteen. I wouldn’t be too concerned.”

  “What if it’s s
omeone inappropriate? Like an older guy.”

  That got their attention.

  “Who?” asked Jessica.

  “Jason Burnside,” said Natalie.

  Startled, Eva blurted, “The math teacher?”

  “Jason is cute.” Natalie accepted a fork from the waitress. As soon as the other two ladies got their utensils, they dug into the gooey goodness. “Well, for someone who’s four-hundred-years-old.”

  “He died at twenty-one, so he looks like a college student. Do you really think Kimmie is enamored of him?” Eva’s eyes flashed red. “Did he do something to encourage her?”

  Since Eva was the coordinator of education for Broken Heart’s children, she took anything to do with the students, school, or teachers very personally.

  “I doubt it.” Natalie sighed. “She’s been experimenting with her identity. Clothes. Make-up. Hairstyles. So why not boys?” She leaned in and whispered, “I found evidence.”

  “What did you do? Read her diary?” Jessica’s eyes widened she finished her first bite. “Wow. This is pretty good for something’s that not chocolate.”

  Natalie squirmed. Her vampire friend’s assessment was too close for comfort. “When I was dumping out Kimmie’s waste basket, a piece of paper fell out.”

  She reached into her purse and pulled out a crumpled sheet of notebook paper. She put it on the table.

  Eva opened it and smoothed it out. She read, “J is sexy, sweet. A smile with no lips. I like him, but I’m afraid. Math is our common ground. A number plus a number equals infinity. That’s how long I’d have to wait for J.”

  “What makes you think she means Jason?” asked Jessica.

  Natalie grasped the paper and turned it over. A scrawled note was on the back. Eva read, “Mr. Burnside is cute, single and dead. Date?”

  Then underneath in a different ink and handwriting: “You need therapy.”

  “Let me see that.” Jessica took the note and looked at it for a long moment. “Jenny wrote the therapy part. She writes the letter E all weird. And she’s also well known for her sarcasm.”