Shahana

by Rosanne Hawke

‘What is in the bag? Mr Nadir looked very satisfied with himself when he gave it to me.’

  Shahana opens it and takes out a dupatta. But not any dupatta: it is the scarf of a princess or a bride. It is red and the spool of thread he has included is gold.

  ‘Gold,’ Ayesha whispers. ‘Pure gold. He told me you are not to waste any or use more than you should.’

  ‘He says that every time.’ Shahana can’t touch the dupatta, nor feel any excitement over using gold thread. He has sent her a message. For all she knows this may be her very own wedding dupatta. She drops it back into the bag and looks out the window. The wind is rising, and dark clouds scud across the sky.

  ‘A storm is coming. We must go. Can I leave the dupatta here in case I get it wet on the way home?’

  ‘Certainly. And here, I have something for Tanveer. I have grown out of these now.’ She holds out a coat, plastic shoes and woollen socks.

  ‘Thank you. He will like them very much.’

  Shahana stands up. They haven’t worked on their stories for the website, but she is nervous about the weather. When they tell Tanveer it is time to go he leans over and kisses Aunty Rabia on the cheek, and something remarkable happens. She smiles at him. It is as if it is two years ago and they have visited like they used to.

  Ayesha catches her breath loudly. ‘It was good of you to bring Tanveer,’ she says. ‘He is a noble boy.’

  Shahana blinks. Ayesha has spoken truly. All the care that Shahana has given Tanveer has been worth it. Maybe Tanveer’s ease with people is because he has suffered himself. She puts the coat on him over his pheran and the plastic shoes on his feet.

  Tanveer smiles his thanks at Ayesha. ‘Can I come again?’ he says.

  ‘Our door is open to you,’ Ayesha says. ‘Our house is your house.’

  This makes Shahana smile; it is what Nana-ji said when they went to live with him.

  As they walk down the steps to the road, Shahana marvels at how quickly the weather can change. The rain is only just starting as they reach the log bridge, but Shahana knows the rain will turn to snow when the air freezes. ‘Come,’ she says to Tanveer, ‘we must hurry.’ She holds out her hand, for the icy logs are like walking on slippery glass, but he skips ahead.

  ‘I will race you home.’ He turns as he says it and that is when he slips.

  ‘Tanveer!’ She is too far away. She lunges for him but just catches his coat. It slips out of her fingers, and she falls to her knees as the stream carries him away. She runs off the bridge along the bank. What can she do? She can’t swim. She screams his name over and over. She can’t lose him too. She races along the stream, straining to outrun the water. If she could just get ahead of him, throw in a stick . . .

  But someone is already there. A boy plunges into the water and grabs Tanveer. They are both swept away but the other boy is gradually heading for the bank.

  Shahana runs down to help pull them out. It is Zahid. He protects Tanveer by some rocks where they can’t be washed away again but he doesn’t pull Tanveer up the bank.

  ‘Take him,’ is all he says. It is as if they are the only words he has.

  Shahana climbs down and lifts Tanveer. She doesn’t know where the strength comes from. Then Zahid drags himself up to the top of the bank and lies still for some moments in the mud, gasping. Shahana can only think of Tanveer. His eyes are closed.

  Zahid pulls himself to his knees and presses on Tanveer’s chest. ‘Turn him on his side.’

  Tanveer curls up and coughs. Water dribbles out of his mouth.

  ‘Come.’ Shahana picks up Tanveer. She is soaked from the rain and Tanveer’s wet clothes. ‘We have to carry him home.’

  Chapter 14

  Tanveer’s lungs are weak, Shahana knows this, and a dunking in the stream is the last thing he needs. Zahid drags his feet but he helps lift Tanveer up the logs to the house. Shahana lights the fire while Zahid starts pulling off Tanveer’s clothes. Shahana finds dry clothes for Tanveer and some of Nana-ji’s clothes for Zahid. She dries Tanveer and dresses him, then turns her head as Zahid takes off his clothes.

  Shahana lays Tanveer on the charpoy. He is breathing but he hasn’t opened his eyes. She wishes he was already grown. Apparently Nana-ji had weak lungs when he was young and he grew to be an old man of almost sixty before he died last winter.

  ‘You are wet too,’ Zahid reminds her. ‘I’ll sit with him while you change.’

  Shahana can see the sense of this. If she should get cold and sick what would happen to Tanveer? Zahid turns his back and murmurs to Tanveer.

  Shahana has looked after Tanveer since he was tiny. She knows all about boys’ bodies but she is ashamed now to be changing in the same room as Zahid. She peels off her clothes in stages as she usually does, dries herself and puts on a clean shalwar and qameez. She hangs the pherans and wet clothes to dry on hooks in the rafters. Then she makes chai in the samovar and they drink it watching Tanveer.

  ‘He slipped,’ she says. ‘We were hurrying to get home before the storm.’

  Zahid nods and Shahana is glad he doesn’t speak, for she has no energy to listen. She puts a blanket over Tanveer and hopes he is just sleeping. She glances at Zahid and sees how exhausted he is. How did he survive in the big river when he is so spent from being in the stream for a few minutes? The thought leaves her as Tanveer stirs.

  He opens his eyes. ‘Shahji?’

  The tears come suddenly. Shahana tries to blink them away. What would she do if something happened to Tanveer? He is the future of their family. She will have failed her parents, Nana-ji and Irfan if she lets anything happen to him. She scoops him up into her arms and hugs him tight. Then he coughs. It racks his whole body and she can hear the whispering in his lungs. She races to the trunk for his medicine.

  ‘Here.’ She sits Tanveer up and puts the tablet on his tongue. She gives him some water and watches him swallow, for she knows he doesn’t like to take them.

  ‘I’ll be fine,’ he says, his voice just a croak.

  Zahid stares at Tanveer. ‘My cousin breathed like that all the time when she was young. She had a spray medicine that flew straight to her lungs.’

  Shahana nods. ‘We have that too but I try the tablets first. If he is worse in the night we will use the spray.’

  In the night Tanveer wakes crying. He can’t breathe. Shahana has the spray medicine ready. Every few hours Shahana and Zahid have to use the medicine. Shahana knows it will soon be gone. It is why she tries the tablets first – the spray is so expensive.

  By early morning it seems Tanveer is breathing easier.

  Shahana turns to Zahid. His eyes are half shut. ‘Zahid? Thank you for what you did.’

  ‘He is my brother too.’

  Zahid is quiet, so Shahana asks him about his cousin.

  He thinks for a moment, then he says softly, ‘Her name was Nissa.’

  Shahana hears the way he says it, with a sigh on her name, and wishes she hasn’t asked, but Zahid keeps talking. ‘The soldiers came to her house. She had grown beautiful, my mother said. But soldiers don’t care who is beautiful or who is promised in marriage, they take what they want.’ His fingers clench onto the spray puffer he is holding for Tanveer and Shahana hopes he doesn’t break it.

  ‘She didn’t survive?’ Shahana says it gently, for she knows that this girl was promised to him.

  It is as if he doesn’t hear her. ‘Soldiers want to keep people frightened. They hurt some to keep the others obedient. I wish the army would leave. There are too many soldiers – they are like locusts eating up our valley.’

  ‘I am sorry.’ Shahana whispers it, and she gently brushes the hair from Zahid’s eyes with her fingers. He lies down on the floor – he is too weak to sleep under the house while it is snowing. Shahana lies on the charpoy by Tanveer. Outside, the wind tugs at the thatch and wood shingles on the roof. The snow thrashes against the walls. She pulls the quilt up over herself and Tanveer.

  Shahana wandered into a beautiful rose garden. Wate
r cascaded into a long pool. She had on a long red and gold skirt and over it a long-sleeved kurta to match. On her head was the wedding dupatta that she had embroidered herself with golden thread. She could hear the wedding band with drums and horns playing for her. She was about to see her bridegroom for the first time. He sat in the tent on a couch and there was room for her. His hair was dark, his eyes grey. He stood tall to help her to the couch. Just as she looked up and saw that it was Zahid, his face changed. She stumbled and suddenly it was Mr Nadir reaching for her. ‘What do boys know?’ he said. ‘I will make you a better husband. You will never have to worry and you will never be cold again.’

  Chapter 15

  Shahana wakes in the morning and tries to dismiss her nightmares. She would like to sleep without having bad dreams or waking up worrying about Tanveer.

  After a week his breathing no longer wakes him at night, although it is harder to rouse him in the mornings. There is snow on the ground all the time now, and the clouds lie low, like a canopy of white cloth hiding the mountains. On mornings when it is not snowing the boys collect more wood and stack it under the house. Shahana does more embroidery squares in the afternoons and Tanveer joins her. If the militant comes again she will ask if he wants to buy one. She never thought she would hope for the militant to return. Now she wonders where he is. She tries to think of him as Amaan – it is a beautiful name meaning faith. Was he faithful? Could she trust him?

  One early morning Shahana is sewing in her open doorway to catch the sun as it comes over the mountains when Ayesha appears around the side of the house. It is the first time Ayesha has come to the house. She is wearing the black burqa. At first Shahana is so shocked to see her there she is not sure what to say, and then she remembers Zahid has gone trapping.

  ‘Salaam, Ayesha,’ Shahana manages.

  Ayesha giggles. ‘You look like you’ve seen a jinn.’

  ‘It is just I wasn’t expecting you to come here.’

  Ayesha’s face becomes serious. ‘I need you to visit my home. Ummie is asking for you.’

  ‘For me?’

  Ayesha nods. ‘Can you come straight away? Sometimes she forgets but she is getting better. This is the first time she has asked something like this.’

  ‘Come inside. Would you like chai?’

  Ayesha walks up to the open door. ‘Normally I would but we are such good friends, can I refuse this time on account of Ummie?’ Then she sees Tanveer still asleep on the charpoy. ‘Should we wake him?’

  ‘I’d rather not,’ Shahana says. ‘He needs to rest. We won’t be long, will we?’

  Ayesha shakes her head. ‘Ummie just wants to talk to you.’

  Shahana puts her shawl over her pheran, and slips out the door with Ayesha.

  Inside Ayesha’s house, Aunty Rabia is out of her chair and walking around the room. As soon as she sees Shahana, she invites her to sit on the couch with her while Ayesha makes chai.

  ‘How are you, my child?’ Aunty Rabia asks.

  ‘Teik hai, I’m fine, thank you, Aunty-ji.’

  Aunty Rabia is looking at her closely. After seeing her in her own private world, facing the TV but not watching it, it is unnerving to see her so focused.

  ‘It is good you are so well, Aunty-ji.’ Shahana truly means it. How she has longed for Aunty Rabia to be the family friend that she used to be: her mother’s best friend.

  ‘I worry about you and Tanveer up in your grandfather’s hut.’

  ‘We are fine.’ What could she say? Ayesha might understand, but she couldn’t let Aunty Rabia find out about Zahid, or the militant.

  ‘I could come to visit you and see what you need.’ Aunty Rabia hesitates. ‘I haven’t been out of the house yet, but when I am able.’

  ‘You will be very welcome,’ Shahana murmurs the polite words but really she is wondering how to graciously decline. Maybe Aunty Rabia will forget about it. She isn’t totally well yet. Shahana doesn’t even feel she can mention Mr Nadir; what could Aunty Rabia do?

  Ayesha brings the chai in then. ‘I wish you lived with me,’ she says.

  Shahana doesn’t know what to say. After Nana-ji died she may have wanted that to happen, but how could she now? She has Rani to look after, and Zahid. Her mother’s voice tells her Zahid could live by himself, but she doesn’t listen. Is it because she likes to pretend she has a big brother again? She doesn’t dare think of him as anything else. She shakes her head and her tea spills.

  ‘Are you all right?’ Ayesha asks as she uses a tea towel to mop up the mess.

  ‘I’m fine, truly. Your mother is kind to think about us, but we will be fine.’ She is thinking of Tanveer then; what if he wakes and finds she’s not there? She should have brought him with her. She tries to drink the chai faster but it is too hot.

  Shahana hopes Ayesha will not be offended. ‘I’m sorry, I need to go. Tanveer may wake up. He might need his medicine.’

  ‘Teik hai, fine.’ Ayesha hands her Mr Nadir’s paper bag. ‘It’s not snowing today.’

  She takes the bag and Aunty Rabia catches hold of her arm as she stands. ‘Remember what I said.’

  Shahana nods and thanks her, but as she hurries down to the road, she berates herself. What is she thinking, wanting help from Aunty Rabia, when there is Zahid to explain?

  When she returns Tanveer is awake. ‘A man came, Shahji.’

  Shahana stands frozen in the doorway. ‘Who?’ But she knows what he will say.

  ‘He said he knew you, Shahana. He wanted milk so I gave him some and he gave me ten rupees.’ He hands it to her. Why did he give so much? Yet they need it. She puts it in the pocket of her qameez.

  There is a mist in Shahana’s head. Her heart is beating like wild dogs are fighting in there. How can she ask Tanveer not to tell Zahid about seeing the militant?

  All afternoon she worries, starts to tell Tanveer, then stops. It will make it worse – he’ll ask Zahid why Shahana didn’t want him to know. Her fears are realised when they are eating their evening meal. They have hardly eaten a few bites when Tanveer tells Zahid a man came to the house asking for milk.

  Zahid fires questions at him. ‘Did you know him? Did he have a weapon? What did he look like?’

  Zahid’s questions bring the image of Amaan to life as if he were standing there before them.

  ‘So he is a militant.’

  ‘He was nice,’ Tanveer ventures.

  ‘What else did he say?’ Zahid drops his roti and doesn’t bother picking it up.

  Tanveer is almost in tears. ‘He just asked for milk and said to say salaam to my brother and sister.’

  There is a heavy silence while Shahana stares at her plate. Then Zahid turns on her. ‘You know this man? How does he know Tanveer has a sister or a brother? Did you say so?’ He turns back to Tanveer without leaving her any room to answer. ‘Don’t you know those men are dangerous? They have such strict ideas. Didn’t you see he was a militant?’

  He glances at Shahana again. ‘You should have told me, warned me.’

  Shahana wishes she could explain. She was protecting the boys by giving milk. But she knew all along Zahid would not understand.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ is all she says.

  ‘They take boys to fight.’

  ‘He didn’t take me,’ Tanveer says. ‘He smiled at me.’

  They stare at him. Shahana wonders what that smile must have looked like, a smile she will never see. Amaan is strong and has piercing eyes but to Shahana he also looks like someone’s big brother. Now when she thinks of him she doesn’t think of militants killing Irfan.

  ‘Perhaps he will protect us,’ she says.

  Zahid groans. Whether in frustration or pain, Shahana cannot tell. He pulls her around to face him. The suddenness of his hands on her shoulders shocks her into stillness.

  ‘Shahana, we are a family.’

  She gives a wary nod and he lets his hands drop.

  ‘You have to tell me everything that happens. It is dangerous here in the forest. You and
Tanveer should live somewhere else.’

  Ayesha has said it too, but she would miss Zahid. There, she can admit it now. ‘How can we live anywhere else?’

  Zahid doesn’t answer that. Instead he says, ‘Don’t forget what they did to your family.’

  ‘They were different ones,’ Shahana murmurs.

  ‘All militants are like soldiers. They say they fight for something noble, for freedom, but their methods are the same. The results are the same. People still die.’

  She rests her head on her hand. How long will she have to remember what militants and soldiers did? The bitterness of the memory always hurts. She wishes she could let it go, be happy again, but Zahid’s words make her feel ashamed.

  She remembers Amaan calling her his little sister. ‘His name is Amaan,’ she says.

  At her words, Zahid strides outside to stand on the logs like a sentinel. He has the rifle.

  Chapter 16

  Shahana and Tanveer are watching Zahid build up the wall under the house to make it warmer. The wind is chilling, and Shahana pulls her shawl closer around her.

  ‘It is too cold down here,’ Tanveer protests. He glances at Shahana for confirmation.

  Shahana stays silent.

  ‘It is not safe for you,’ Zahid answers, but he is watching Shahana. ‘If the militant sees me here, he will know I am not your brother.’ He pauses. ‘But if he knows I am sleeping under the house, it will be better for you.’

  Shahana knows he speaks truly. Her mother would have said it too. But still she wonders how he knows what the militant will think.

  ‘How could he know?’ she asks. ‘You even look like our brother Irfan.’

  Zahid hesitates as if he is about to say a difficult thing. ‘Shahana . . .’ he starts, but it is all he says. He reaches for the axe. ‘Veer and I will collect fir branches for the wall.’

  Shahana watches them trudge off, taking Rani with them, shaking her head and ringing her bell. Shahana stays there in the space under the house where Nana-ji kept his tools and wood for the fire. It was never meant to be lived in. Once the snow grows deeper it will be bitterly cold. Zahid will have to light a fire. Will that be safe under the house?