Desire

by Simone Sowood

  “Gave free childcare. Is that the nicest thing we have to say in her eulogy?”

  Charity leans back and with a throaty laugh says, “Gave good blow jobs? At least she always liked to say she did. Hell, a lot of men in this town are going to be mourning her more than we are.”

  I can’t help but laugh. Maybe the only way to deal with my grief is by laughing. Because it isn’t straightforward grief. She wasn’t a straightforward mother.

  “Remember the times she brought home Chelsea Fuller’s dad? And every time we went over to play with Chelsea we had to be nice and polite and pretend we didn’t know he used to come to our house and have screaming loud, nasty sex in the bedroom next to ours while we were supposedly sleeping?”

  “‘Yes, Mr. Fuller, I’d love another hamburger for dinner.’ I could never even look him in the eyes when I was over there.”

  “I wonder if Chelsea ever found out.”

  “His wife finally kicked him out a few years ago. Although Mom kicked him out years before that. Funny how the wife lasted longer.”

  “I wish I could remember a nice memory of her. Something normal.”

  “Nothing about our childhood was normal,” Charity says, tapping her finger on the back of the sofa.

  “Yeah, I can never begin to understand when people talk about being best friends with their moms.”

  “All I ever wanted was a little love and respect. I resolved early on that I would always tell my kids I love them every day. And I hold myself to that, even on days when they’re driving me up the wall.”

  “I guess she didn’t know what love was after the way her father took off when her mother died and she ended up in a foster home.”

  “I didn’t know what love was either, but I still manage to give it to my kids,” Charity says, her voice suddenly flat.

  “I’m not trying to defend her, not by any means. I’m only trying to understand her.”

  Charity clasps my hands in hers, and I’m overcome by a deep sense of love for her. Maybe I should raise the baby here, around family.

  Out of nowhere, a memory appears in my head.

  “I remember this one time when I was really young. She bought a new hairbrush, or maybe some guy gave her one for some reason, and I was sitting on the floor with my back against the couch, nestled in between her legs. She kept brushing my hair over and over and it felt so good. She told me how pretty my hair was, and kept on brushing it over and over while we watched some mindless show on TV,” I say, smiling at the memory.

  “I don’t think she ever did anything like that to me. She always did like you better.”

  “Did not.”

  “Oh God, absolutely. And you went way up in points yesterday after she found out you got yourself knocked up by a billionaire. Which is the number-one best thing any woman could ever achieve in Mom’s eyes.”

  “I wasn’t exactly trying to get pregnant. Not on my first time,” I say and set my mug down on the coffee table. Once again there’s a little niggle in the back of my mind, how did I get pregnant?

  “What do you mean your first time?” Charity says, her eyes wide with shock.

  A smile spreads across my face, and I shake my head as I remember my resolve to focus on my career instead of risking pregnancy.

  “I was waiting because I didn’t want to end up with an accidental pregnancy.”

  Charity half chokes on her coffee as she stifles a laugh. “It must be something in the genes.”

  “Yeah, something I shouldn’t have bothered resisting for so long.”

  “It worked out in the end. Look at the great guy you ended up with. Aside from the money, I mean. He seems really generous and thoughtful and it was great of him to take the kids this morning so we could figure out arrangements.”

  “He is great. And I haven’t even known him that long, but we connect on so many levels. When we’re together I feel whole, like I’m right where I am supposed to be.”

  “Long may it last.” Charity raises her coffee mug in a toast.

  Before I can respond, the helicopter lands on the lawn.

  Chapter 29

  Grace

  The front door flings open with a bang and Charity’s two oldest kids pour through it.

  “Molly ruined everything,” Brandon, her eight-year-old son, shouts.

  “She made us come back early,” ten-year-old Jasmine says.

  Leo appears in the doorway, holding little five-year-old Molly in his arms. Her bright blue eyes are red, and her cheeks are stained with tears.

  My eyes connect with Leo’s and I’m filled with a calmness.

  “Molly was upset about Grandma,” Leo says, stroking her blonde curls.

  “Who cares about Grandma? She was mean and my nose still hurts from yesterday,” Brandon says.

  “Brandon!” Charity says, springing up from the sofa. She grabs him by the arm and ushers him down the hallway and into her bedroom.

  Her bedroom is just off the living room, and through the door it’s possible to hear her soothing voice and Brandon’s frustrated one.

  “Well, I had fun. I’ve never been in a helicopter before,” Jasmine says.

  “Aunty Grace, is Mommy going to die too?” Molly asks.

  “No sweetie, she’s not going to die,” I say as I move across the room to her.

  I take her from Leo’s arms and mouth thank you to him. I’m about to return to the sofa with Molly when Leo wraps his arm around me, halting me in my tracks. The three of us stand together like a family, and I get a glimpse of the future.

  “I’m hungry, it’s lunchtime,” Jasmine says.

  “Me too,” Molly says, perking up.

  “I don’t know if we have any food here for lunch,” I say.

  I set Molly down and turn to the kitchen. The last thing I really want to do right now is prepare food. My thoughts are consuming me and all I want to do is sit comatose on the couch.

  “Why don’t I go into town and pick something up,” Leo says as he reaches for my hand.

  “That would be amazing, thank you.”

  “Sure. Whatever you and your sister need.” He squeezes my hand, and the tension in my shoulders melts away. I’m amazed at the effect he has on de-stressing me.

  “How will you know what I like?” Jasmine asks.

  “You can come with me,” Leo says.

  “I don’t want to go. I miss Grandma too much,” Molly says, bursting into tears all over again.

  “Sweetie, you don’t have to go. You stay here with me,” I say and let go of Leo’s hand in order to pick her up again.

  “I know what you like anyway,” Jasmine says.

  “Let’s go,” Leo says.

  He kisses my cheek and warmth spreads over my skin. I don’t want him to go. I want him to stay here and cuddle up with me on the sofa while I sort through my thoughts.

  Not only am I dealing with the death of my mother, I’m still getting used to his sudden reappearance in my life.

  Jasmine leads Leo out of the door. As soon as the latch clicks all the earlier tension in my shoulders reappears. But I have Molly to think about, as well as my own baby growing inside of me. As stressed as I am, I realize I have to do everything in my power to keep the baby safe and healthy.

  The door to the bedroom opens slowly and Charity emerges holding Brandon’s hand.

  “You sure you’re okay now?” she says to Brandon.

  He nods his blond head and says, “Yes, Mommy. I just want to sit on my bed now.”

  Charity rubs his back, and he heads off down the hall.

  “I want to sit on my bed too,” Molly says and runs off after him.

  “Brandon is upset. He just doesn’t know how to show his emotions,” Charity says, and flops into the armchair with a sigh of exasperation.

  “It’s tough for kids to understand. Especially since she lived here,” I say.

  “Ugh. I have to phone the funeral home to confirm our appointment time,” she says, rolling her head back and looking
at the ceiling.

  “Leo said he would watch the kids while we go.”

  “Leo is a fucking saint. Don’t ever let that man go.”

  “Do you ever miss having a man around?”

  “Sure, if I could find one like him. Unfortunately, the men in this town suck.”

  “You could always try the next town,” I say sarcastically.

  “You know what? I’ve had enough of this town. I’ve lived here my whole life, but I can’t see a future in it.”

  “So leave, that’s what I did.”

  “My jobs are here, my kids are here. I’m trapped and not going anywhere.” She stands and snatches the phone from its cradle.

  “It’s not so bad here anyway. Sometimes I think I should move back for good.”

  “Leo would be the only billionaire in town. Would he hang out with the regular guys at Sam’s Tavern and talk about normal shit?”

  I shrug and stick my tongue out at her. She picks up the business card for the funeral home and dials the number.

  As she starts talking into the phone, I realize I haven’t contacted Anna yet. She’s my best friend and the reason Leo found me, and I haven’t even told her thank you.

  My worn-out black handbag is on the floor by my feet and I fish my cell phone out of it. I type out a text before deleting it and hitting call.

  “Hey babe, don’t be mad at me but I told Leo where you are,” Anna says, her words rushed and lighthearted.

  “You could’ve warned me before he touched down in a helicopter on my sister’s front lawn.”

  “No way. Now that’s an entrance.”

  “I wouldn’t expect anything less from him.”

  “So, is everything good between you two?”

  “Better than good, thanks for telling him where I was. You were right all along. I should’ve been more patient.”

  “See? It all worked out and now everything is perfect.”

  The well of sorrow I’ve been holding back rushes back to the surface, and I fight back the tears. “My mom died last night.” My words spill out of me, and I wonder if they were understandable.

  There is a slight pause at the other end of the line before Anna says, “Oh honey, I am so sorry to hear that. Is there anything I can do? Because if you want me to jump on a plane right now and come to you, I will. I’d do anything for you, you know that.”

  “I know, but I don’t think there’s much point to coming all the way here. I just needed to talk to you.”

  “I know you always complained about her but she’s still your mom. I mean, how are you really feeling?”

  “Yeah, I’m a real mixture of feelings and emotions right now. Thank God for my sister and Leo. Charity and I are doing our best to hold each other together, and Leo has been a godsend in helping out with her kids.”

  “That’s understandable.”

  “And I’ve got the situation with Leo to think about. We were on our way to live in New York City when we found out the news. I guess we’ll go after the funeral. I just hope my sister is going to be okay on her own.”

  “You’re moving to New York? I am so coming to visit you as soon as you get there.”

  “Of course,” I say, grateful for the lighter topic.

  We talk for another half hour before Jasmine and Leo reappear in the doorway. Leo is laden with shopping bags from the grocery store and Jasmine’s hands are full of submarine sandwiches.

  “My lunch just arrived, I’ll call you again later,” I tell Anna.

  “Sure. Anytime. And again, I’m really sorry, honey. If you need me for anything, just shout.”

  Chapter 30

  Leo

  “Are you sure you don’t want anything to remember her by? What about this?” I ask, holding up a gold-plated necklace with a leaf-shaped pendant dangling from it.

  “Nope. Nothing. Everything goes,” Grace says without even glancing up.

  She is sitting on the floor of her mother’s bedroom, going through the bags that had been stuffed underneath the bed.

  We’ve been staying in the bedroom the past three nights. Grace wanted to be near her sister and the kids to give them as much support as possible.

  The funeral was yesterday, so Grace decided that today is a good day to clear out her mother’s bedroom. She knows it’s really soon after the death to do that, but it’ll be one less thing for Charity to have to do after we leave.

  Plus, Brandon can move back into the room. It was his old bedroom before his grandmother moved in with them, forcing him to share the cramped room with his two sisters.

  I lay the necklace into the box of jewelry that’s destined for the Salvation Army. Most of her clothes from the dresser and closet have already been stuffed in two trash bags for donation, although there is another entire trash bag full of clothes Grace deemed unworthy of anything other than the dump.

  “What if I take Brandon down to the store and buy some paint? I can paint this room before we go,” I say, rummaging through the mother’s jewelry box for anything else good enough to donate.

  Grace stands, and wipes her hands on her thighs. “I’m sick of doing this, I’m just going to put the rest of the stuff straight in the trash. And then I don’t have to open any more bags from under the bed. I’m terrified of what I’m going to find. The last thing I need to see is my mother’s sex toys.”

  “Go for it. I say we’re done here. Anything else can be chucked out.”

  She smiles at me and closes the distance between us. I abandon the jewelry box and pull her against me. It’s been a draining week for everyone.

  “Painting the room is a great idea. I want to help Charity as much as possible before we go. You been so helpful and supportive the past few days, I can’t thank you enough.”

  “Of course I’m going to help the two of you,” I say and kiss the top of her head. I let my lips linger and inhale her sweet scent.

  Ever since Grace told me how and why her mother died, I’ve felt partly responsible. After all, she drank more than she normally does because of the idea of going into the Betty Ford Center. And Charity kicked her out because she was being abusive about the fact that I was giving Charity a house immediately, but not giving her one until she was clean.

  Maybe I was stupid to walk in here without knowing them and make all these promises without understanding what the repercussions might be. I should have talked to Grace first.

  But I can’t change what happened. All I can do is help out as best as I can now.

  “I am going to feel so guilty when we leave here. Part of me thinks that I belong here and shouldn’t be going to New York,” she says and sighs.

  My brow creases with worry.

  “A month ago you lived on the West Coast,” I say defensively.

  “I know, I’m just grateful I came back here and saw my mother.”

  She’d probably still be alive if I hadn’t made my naïve promises.

  “Living in New York City is only temporary. Once I sell my company, we can move anywhere we want.”

  Grace tilts her head back and raises her eyebrow in a questioning manner. “You, Mr. Bigshot, are going to move to Hicksville, Tennessee?”

  “I’d like to live somewhere rural and have a big piece of land with horses.”

  “Excellent, we can go real estate shopping while we are here.”

  Her expression hasn’t changed, and I can’t tell if she’s being her sarcastic self or not. Whenever I’m stressed I picture myself far away from any city, relaxing on a big piece of land where no one can bother me. But now that I’m faced with the sudden reality of it I’m not so sure it’s as good as I’d imagined it to be.

  “Why don’t we start with painting the room?”

  Grace bursts out laughing, and playfully smacks my chest. “Thought so.”

  “Hey, I’m happy to go real estate shopping right now. If you are telling me that this is the town you want to raise our child in, then that’s fine with me.”

  “Nice try, but no,” sh
e says laughing.

  “When do you want to get going to New York?” I ask. As much as I’ve understood and supported being here, I’m ready to leave.

  All week I’ve watched Grace’s and Charity’s relationship blossom and I can’t stop thinking about my brother George and the relationship I wish I had with him. As soon as I get some time, I’m going to reach out to him and try to heal our relationship. After all, we are brothers and the only real family that each other has.

  We need to put the past behind us and act like siblings are supposed act. Seeing Grace and Charity overcome their past is inspiring, and there’s no reason George and I can’t do the same.

  “I guess we can go tomorrow, there’s no reason not to,” Grace shrugs.

  Instantly, all the things I want to do to her flash through my mind. I’ve restrained myself while we were here, given the circumstances, but as soon as I have her on my own I won’t be able to be so restrained.

  “Perfect. We can paint the room in the morning and then go,” I say.

  “It shouldn’t take long to paint, it’s only a tiny room.”

  Once again, I take a backseat for the rest of the day while Grace and Charity rely on each other to cope with the sudden loss of their mother. I don’t mind, I’m happy to help out with the children, meals, paperwork and anything else I can do.

  It’s not exactly the way I’d planned the start of our real relationship, but it’s been a privilege to see this side of Grace. Every minute that passes makes me more grateful that she is the mother of my child.

  I take the dresser and nightstand out of the room and to the Salvation Army. Charity and Brandon can find new ones for him after we leave. I take the bed apart and stack the rails with the mattress outside, ready for the trash. We’ll take it to the dump in the morning.

  We have one more night here, so we sleep on the floor. For the last time, I crawl under the covers of the most uncomfortable place I’ve ever slept in, in the smallest room I’ve ever slept in and picture how different tomorrow night will be.

  “I’m exhausted,” Grace says as she enters the room, smelling fresh from brushing her teeth and washing her face. My dick twitches, but I suppress my urges, the same way I’ve been doing the entire time we’ve been here.