by Mary Smith
After a few hours, I felt better. I’m feeling... normal again. Right until I pull into the driveway. This house is putting a weight on my shoulders, and I need to get out of it. It’s holding me down. There’s a shadow over it, and it’s time for a change.
“ARE YOU PLANNING on selling it then?” Caryn asks as I finish telling her about the house.
“The girls want their own place, as they should. Since they’re growing up I know they want to be on their own,” I explain.
“And you? What about you?” Caryn’s pencil is ready for my answer.
“I know, in my head, I need to leave and start a new life in a new home, but there’s a part of me that’s…” I trail off.
Last night I laid down in our bed and thought about the house. Sharon had loved it at first and for a moment I thought the change would be good, but it only lasted for a few days…
“Sharon, why can’t I hang up some of the girls’ pictures? These are my favorites and this is my office.” I open the box and begin to pull out the frames. “I love these.”
“I don’t care what you love or want. There will be no pictures hanging on my walls. End of discussion.” She shoves me, and I drop one of the frames.
“Sharon.” I sigh deeply, bending down to pick it up. The kick comes swift, and it connects under my chin. I taste blood instantly. I bit my tongue. I stumble back and try to regain my balance but another blow comes.
“Why are you talking back to me about what I want in my house?” Her yelling is making my ears ring.
“I…” The blood is filling my mouth and I’m now on my hands in knees in front of her when the arch of her foot slams into my throat.
All the air is gone and I’m choking on the blood. I try to crawl away and recoup before more hits come. I don’t make it far as the picture frames begin to fly at my head. She’s whipping them with all her might and each makes a connection to my head and body until darkness takes over.
“Taden, do you remember when you were here last time and we talked about what will happen?”
I nod.
“Now, I want you to ask yourself, what will happen if you sell the house?” She rests back and waits for me to answer.
“I don’t know.” I shrug.
“You do know. Because nothing will happen. Well, nothing of a serious nature. You’ll find a different place, and it’ll be somewhere you’ll be able to decorate and actually live in.”
Her words make sense and I know, deep down, she’s right, but this is the house Sharon and I lived in. I shake my head because that’s a lie. A real lie. It’s Sharon’s house. She made the rules. It never was a home in the biblical sense of a family home. A place for people to gather to have fun and laughter will ring throughout.
What will happen?
“We had a short conversation about this before?” She reminds me of our last talk.
“We did.” I concur with her.
“Now, ask yourself.”
“I can differentiate the pros and cons of selling the house.” I smart off a bit, feeling a bit like Janan when I pressured her into talking when she was younger.
“So, what will happen?”
I rub my chin and feel the softness of my beard. I need to trim it. Of course, I know I’m avoiding the question because the truth is…
“I don’t know,” I answer her. “I don’t know.” I repeat.
Caryn jots down a couple of notes and then taps her pencil against her lips. “Taden, I’m going to give you a homework assignment.”
“What?”
“Yes, I am.” She flips a page in her steno pad and quickly writes something on it, tearing it off and giving it to me.
I read over her words and chuckle. “Are you serious?”
“Most definitely.” She smiles.
I DON’T THINK of hockey as work. Even the paperwork I do isn’t work because I love every aspect of it. I can’t even remember the last time I had homework or anything of that fact. But here I am standing naked in front of my shower with the timer in my hand. Last night I didn’t tell the girls about the homework Caryn gave to me. I figured they would be Team Caryn anyway.
I take a deep breath and set the timer for fifteen minutes. Caryn’s instructions told me to use the timer still but set it for five additional minutes,
When had been the last time I’d taken a long shower?
I shake my head because I can’t remember. Hell, even when I was a player I was one of the fastest ones to be showered and dressed and waiting on everyone else. Now, I’m a forty-seven standing in front of the shower unsure of what to do. I’m holding onto the timer as if I can’t function if I put it down.
What will happen?
I can be a logical person and figure this out. The water bill may go up a few dollars and the hot water may run out, but what else? Like Janan asked before will the world end? Will it cause some sort of mass destruction?
I set the timer on the bathroom counter and start it. I turn on the water and step under the spray. The hot water feels amazing on my skin and I wash myself up. As I’m about to turn off the water, I stop. I know it hasn’t been fifteen minutes. I remain under the spray and wait.
My anxiety builds with each passing second. My body is preparing itself for the aftermath of staying in the shower too long. The pain in my chest grows and my breathing becomes harder. I’m not sure how much longer I can spend in here and then…
Ding.
The timer goes off. I quickly shut off the shower and try to breathe normally. After another moment, I am able to and nothing bad has happened. I dry off and step out into the bedroom.
Everything is still the same. All of the items and furniture in the bedroom are in place. There’s no yelling. No one is hurt.
It’s normal.
I glance around the room again, and a small smile comes across my face. It’s the first time in I don’t know how long I can freely smile and not feel as if it’s forced or fake.
It’s normal.
I RAN AN extra mile on the treadmill just because I can. The Bears are out of town this week, and I’m using the team gym again as Oliver walks in right before I’m getting ready to leave.
“A small bird told me you were here last week and you were working.” He crosses his arms.
I smirk. “The bird may be right.”
Oliver tries not to smile but fails. “Taden, I want you to get better. I know how much you miss this, but it’s important you focus on you.”
“I am doing better,” I tell him honestly. I could tell him I took a fifteen minute shower yesterday or this morning, but he wouldn’t understand.
“I still haven’t received any physicals from a doctor. I want them as well.”
I nod. “I have an appointment today. I swear.”
“Good.” Oliver takes a step closer to me. “I want my head coach and my friend back.” He pats my back and walks out of the gym.
I head back to the house and the familiar weight on my shoulders is back. It is this house. When I took my shower yesterday fifteen minutes seemed like a lifetime. This morning when I did it, it wasn’t as bad. And nothing happened.
It’s time for a change, right after I finish with the doctor’s office.
“MR. LONG.” A younger doctor comes in. I decided going to my regular doctor wouldn’t be sufficient for Oliver. He would want the best and I found him. One of the best general practitioners in New Hampshire. Which is why I’m in Concord right now looking at a kid half my age who’s going to give me the all clear.
Hopefully.
“Dr. Pali, how are you today?”
“I’m well. Thank you.” He sits in a rolling stool and opens my file. A thick file. “I’ve looked over all your records and I’ve noticed a lot of injuries in the past ten years.” He flips to the front. “Two grade two concussions. Over a hundred staples. More stitches than I’ve ever put into anyone in my career. Bruises. Broken ribs. Broken bones. And much more.” He shuts the file and looks at me.
&nbs
p; “The main question here is, am I well enough to continue my career as a coach? That’s it. It’s the only thing my boss wants to know,” I explain to him.
“Yes. However, I’m going to be blunt, whoever is hurting you, you need to leave them. Please don’t try to make an excuse either because I know the difference.” He glares over his thick black rimmed glasses.
“I’m fine.” I give my automatic answer. “I need to get back to work.” He looks at me but isn’t writing anything down. “Dr. Pali, please.”
“I hope your situation changes soon.” He writes on the pad and hands it to me. “Best of luck.”
I hold onto the paper and shake his hand. “Thank you. I promise I’m not in the same situation as before.”
Dr. Pali nods. “I’m glad and I wish you the best.”
I SIT AT the desk and Google for real estate agent. Going to the doctor has helped me more than I thought it would. I want change. I know it’ll take time, but it’s time to take a small step toward regaining my life back.
“Daddy!” Janan calls out as she comes in.
“In the office,” I tell her but not as loud. Sharon constantly hated yelling in the house—unless it was her.
“Hey.” She walks in and hugs me. “Nova is still on campus, but I needed to run over here and grab a book. I have a meeting tonight, but are you busy in the morning?”
“I have my appointment with Caryn. Don’t you have one in the afternoon?” I had given Caryn’s receptionist their information to call them and set one up.
“I do, but Nova and I were wondering if you wanted to check out a couple of apartments with us tomorrow?”
“Sure.” I smile because Janan is bouncing on her toes with excitement.
“It’s nothing really expensive. We tried to stick to a budget.”
“I told you I would make sure you had something nice. I don’t want you living somewhere unsafe.”
Nova receives monthly payments from her trust from her mother. Janan’s trust from me does the same. When Sharon passed I turned all her assets over to Janan’s trust as well. There is plenty for them both to finish college.
“Daddy.” She hops up on my desk. “I’ve been offered a job. Just part-time and it’s working with females at the shelter. It’ll be a couple of days a week and every other weekend. It’s not a lot of money, but it’s something I feel I need to do.”
I take her hand in mine. “I’m proud of you.”
“Nova got a job too. She’s going to work as a hostess at the steakhouse. She thinks it’ll help her when she opens her place.”
My heart swells with pride. My girls are growing up so fast in front of me. I feel as if I missed a lot of their lives.
“It’s part-time as well and it’s mainly nights and weekends. She won’t be missing any classes.”
I nod as the pride is causing me to choke up.
“Daddy, you okay?” Janan’s expression quickly changes to concern.
“I’m happy for you both.”
“Thanks.” She hugs my neck. “I love you.”
“I love you.” I pull back and look at her stunning face. She looks a lot like Sharon, but there are bits of me hiding there. Her brown hair is straight as a board and her eyes are bright chocolate brown, like mine. “I really am proud of you.”
“I’m proud of you, Daddy.”
“Hey.” A sudden thought popped in my head. “Last week I heard you and Nova talking, what happened to the boy who almost kissed you?” Normally getting involved in their personal life wouldn’t be something I’d do. However, they’ve never had a personal life until now.
Janan’s eyes widen. “Huh?”
“Yeah, I heard you tell Nova you almost kissed him. Is it still going strong? Is he a nice guy?”
“Oh, him... well…” She pushes her hair back. “It’s complicated.”
“I’m here if you need some male advice.”
“He doesn’t want to be with me because I’m nineteen. He’s a bit older than me.”
“Janan, is it a professor?” A fear runs through me about some pervert trying to use their power over my child.
“Oh God, no. Not at all. This is a... friend. He’s a great guy, but he doesn’t see me as anything more than a child.” Her tone is sad, and it hurts my heart to see her this way.
“Age doesn’t matter. It’s not a factor of a relationship but simply a number. If this guy can’t see how great and mature you are then he doesn’t need you to waste time on him. Move on and find someone who is worth your time.”
A small smile appears on her face. “Thank you, Daddy.” She hops from my desk and hugs me again before heading up and back out again.
Chapter Seven
“UP HERE ON the left.” Nova points over my shoulder, and I pull the car into the parking lot of the apartment building. It’s not too far from the campus and seems secure.
“Mr. Long.” The building manager, George, introduces himself to the girls and me. “Nice to meet you. Let’s head up.”
We follow him up to the second floor. It’s a nice place and George explains there’s a weight room, gym, pool, and jacuzzi, which is included on the rent. The downside is there’s only one bathroom in the two bedroom apartment, but it’s spacious. The girls seem to light up and begin to chat about what is going to go where in the place.
“I think the young ladies like it.” George nudges my side.
“They do. We’ll take it.”
After filling out the paperwork and putting down the deposit and first month’s rent, the girls can pick up the key in two days after the carpets are shampooed. They’re both jumping up and down when we get back to the car, hugging and kissing my cheeks. These are the moments that mean so much to me. Making my girls happy.
“Let’s go grab some breakfast to celebrate.” Nova suggests. “And then we can make a list of everything we need.”
“Great idea.” Janan claps and they both jump into the car.
I chuckle because it reminds me of the times they would get excited when I took them to the zoo or the park to ride their bikes. Oh, how time truly flies.
I drive us over to the Red Arrow Diner. It’s the best place to eat, if you can get in and thankfully, we’re able to find a table. Nova’s already digging through her purse and pulls out a small notebook and two pens, handing one to Janan.
After we give the waitress our drink and food order, since we already knew what we wanted, Nova begins to list things needed for the apartment.
“Let’s begin with the living room. Need a couch, maybe a small sectional, and two comfy chairs. We can use my TV since I don’t need one in the bedroom.” She jots everything down quickly. “Oh and a small entertainment stand.”
The girls go room by room and ask me of things they can take from the house. They can have anything they want since I normally only stay in my office or the bedroom. Once they have a list made I make a suggestion.
“Why don’t we ask Hamilton for his truck? We won’t have to rent one.” I watch Nova shift her eyes to Janan, and Janan’s cheeks turn a light shade of pink. It hits me. It’s Hamilton whom she’s talking about. It has to be. How could I have been so blind?
“Sure. That’s fine.” Janan shrugs it off, but I can see in her eyes she likes him. It all makes sense now.
I want to say something, but my phone alerts me of a text. I swipe at the screen and the one and only name I never thought I’d see was there.
Macy.
My hands shake slightly as I tap her name and the text opens.
Macy: Taden, I am in Manchester for a bit. I’d like to talk to you in person. Just talk.
I don’t know what to say or do. Should I meet her? What does she want to talk about? Is it something bad? I wore a condom so she can’t be pregnant, right? A million thoughts go spinning in my head, and I’m not sure where to begin.
“Daddy, everything okay?” Janan questions with concern.
“Yes, why?” I look up quickly.
“Well, y
ou were smiling and now you look panicked. Something up with the Bears?” Nova asks.
“Just a text from a friend.” I try to play it off, but they’re staring at me.
“No.” Janan shakes her head. “Something else is up. What is it?”
“Girls, drop it.”
Nova gasps. “Is it that girl? The one from December.” Her golden brown eyes grow wide.
I say nothing.
“It is,” Janan exclaims. “What does she want? What did she say?”
“Girls, please, I can’t talk about this with you.” I hang my head and the message is still staring up at me.
“Why? We talk to you about our guy issues.” Janan reminds me. “Just yesterday you were giving me advice.”
I’m trying to figure out a way to win this argument. I’m the parent and adult here they should listen to me, but I know how hardheaded and stubborn they can be. I take a deep breath.
“She wants to talk.”
“Code for hook up,” Janan teases.
“No, she said talk.” I show her the text message. Nova and she study it before looking up at me.
“You should go and talk to her. It must be something important to her,” Janan says.
“I agree,” Nova adds.
I’m not sure what to do, but right now I’m going to ignore it and focus on the girls and their new apartment. It had been easy to turn this conversation back to them and they forget about Macy.
I SIT ON the couch and tell Caryn about the text from Macy and what the girls had said. Caryn nods and jots down a few notes before she asks, “What are you going to do?”
“I’m hoping you can tell me.”
Caryn actually rolls her eyes and shakes her head. It’s the first time she seems much younger than her age. “You know I can’t tell you what to do. You have to figure it out on your own.”
It doesn’t help me. There’s no reason for me to say it out loud because she already knows.
“But let me ask you, when did your marriage end?”
