Murder Mittens

by R. J. Blain

  The lion’s throaty chuckle intrigued me.

  “You sew, Sebastian. That’s basically the holy grail for this lot,” my uncle replied, and he adjusted his hold on the stand so he could press the button to lower the tailgate. “Harri is the least creative in our clan. She likes to crochet, and she is damned good at making quilts, but that’s as far as she goes with arts and crafts. Most of the family sews, because with this many boys in one family, fixing clothes is mandatory. She’s always been very careful with her clothes, so while she can do a mean stitch, she learned because her brothers often needed help to fix their clothing. And then we have the woodcarvers, the painters, and the carpenters, several plumbers, a lawyer, and everything else under the sun around here, so we often barter for fabric and other sewing supplies. My brother’s kids keep him close to bankrupt as it is. Lynx kittens cost a lot to feed. Some kittens are more troublesome than others, and while this one is self-sufficient, she has given even her brothers gray hairs. The other branches of the clan pitch in to help with the bills, as there is nothing my brother loves more than newborn kittens. Betty? She gets cranky when the kittens are over two and there aren’t more kittens on the way.”

  I pondered climbing into my daddy’s truck, cuddling with my yarn, and taking a nap with my sewing machine. “What happened to being nice to me? Why are you being mean, Uncle Henry?”

  “I am being nice. I’m going to get your new phone out of the house once your father subdues your brothers and it’s safe to take your sewing machine inside. I’m going to be even nicer and tell them I can verify Sebastian’s skills with a sewing machine, and that he’s done repairs to my suits while at work. This is annoying, because I’m supposed to be helping with the beating, not verifying my little niece ensnared a decent lycanthrope in her trap. I’m also disturbed. How on Earth did you meet him? More importantly, how on Earth did you actually lure him into your daddy’s truck?”

  “I needed that big truck to hold that lion’s ego and pride.”

  My uncle grinned at me. “That’s my girl.”

  The lion ignored me, gracing my uncle with his attention. “She was in a coffee shop by herself, and an asshole made a scene because he’s not man enough to handle a few scars. So while he shamed all men, I tried to make up for his lack of grace, buying her a hot chocolate topped with catnip.”

  He had purchased a hot chocolate for me, and I couldn’t remember if it had been spiked with pixie dust or catnip, but I’d almost managed to erase the memory of that damned lycanthrope wolf who’d smelled a single female and discovered my face terrified him. “Fucking wolves!” I yowled, although my complaint was drowned out by my squabbling family.

  “I’m sorry, Harri. I know how much you hate the flinching.”

  I pointed at Sebastian. “All I do is piss him off, and when I piss him off enough, he roars for me. I love the roars, Uncle Henry. He even gets right in my face when he does it.”

  “I will expose your purring habit,” the lion warned.

  I gasped. “You wouldn’t!”

  “I really will. How nothing gets you purring faster than a good roar.”

  Ruthless male with his excellent sense of hearing. “It was just a few purrs.”

  “I bet I can make you purr right now with one roar.”

  I bet he could, too. “What happened to not roaring from frustration?”

  “I would be roaring my satisfaction over having frustrated you.”

  My uncle closed the tailgate and leaned against my father’s truck. “He’s cornered you, Harri. You may as well just confess.”

  “Fine. When he roars, I purr. And I goad him into roaring so I can get my purring in. We’ve been doing this for years. I like his roars. They’re just everything a roar should be. It just happens I finally had a reason to bring him home. And yes, I am planning on dragging him to the spa with me. Would I really choose Cincinnati over Hawaii without a good reason?” Something crashed in the general direction of the house, and I sighed. “I don’t know what they broke, but they really can’t afford to break even more furniture being idiots.”

  “Okay, I’ll concede this. I should have put some more thought into why you were picking Cincinnati. A week long stay at a spa for the purpose of enjoying time with someone not in the family is sensible.”

  Huh. Either my uncle was dumber than he looked, or he thought I put a great deal more effort and planning into my non-existent sex life. With some luck and help from a certain lion, soon-to-be energetic sex life punctuated with roars and purrs. “Exactly. And I might take a second week to fully enjoy myself.”

  My uncle glanced at Sebastian. “Are you even going to be able to get two weeks off? The last I checked, they had you dancing all over the country without a day off in sight.”

  “I have been told I need to stop pining over a cantankerous feline and do something about the situation. And I got kicked out of my office for a while. I have some light work to do as time allows. I’ve also been put in charge of handling a few nasty bounties, but I’m the handler rather than the hunter on those. The hunter I’m handling has a reputation.”

  “You got the new one, didn’t you?” Uncle Henry shook his head while rolling his eyes. “When they work you to death, put a good word in for me.”

  Well, that had gone better than I had anticipated. Rather than expose myself as the lucky bounty hunter with the promotion and a job worth talking about, I kept my mouth closed. One day, I would confess my sins… about the same time I came home without a scarred face. With luck, by Christmas.

  It depended on Sebastian’s blood type and how long it took me to take out the bastard killing women through the violent removal of their reproductive organs.

  I really hated Jack the Ripper copycats, especially when they targeted women with scarred faces. One day, maybe people wouldn’t view a woman’s beauty as the rent she paid to exist.

  That would be a nice day.

  Rather than annoy everyone in hearing distance with my opinion, upsetting them as I wanted a face that didn’t make the kittens cry, I practiced staying quiet. Staying quiet kept my family from grumping over how I couldn’t just ‘accept my scars’ or ‘try not to worry about my face’ in my day-to-day life.

  I needed to thank Sebastian later for understanding that I wanted to get rid of my scars because I didn’t want to continue going through life scaring the kittens and dealing with people flinching when they saw my face.

  “I’ll do you one better. I’ll toss one of the stable hunters your way. He’s a tier up from the one I was just given to handle, so he’ll bring you in good change, and he is pretty hands off. It should raise your percentage by a few points without overworking you. However, he can be needy.”

  “What do you mean by needy?”

  “He likes big families but feels he’s incapable of settling down because of the blood on his hands. You’ll be in therapy with him a lot. He’s an old wolf, so you’ll want to keep him away from Harri, because he won’t flinch at her scars. He’ll have a meltdown and swear vengeance over them.”

  “Wait. I like that kind of drama. I don’t mind meltdowns when they don’t involve flinching. And it was a fire. Is he good with kittens?”

  “He’s one of the top hunters in the country for cases involving kids, so yes. He’s dedicated his life to getting rid of people who target children. I’m trying to convince him to open an orphanage once he’s unable to maintain his hunting. Right now, he’s between jobs, so it’s a good time for you to start working with him if you want him, Henry.” Sebastian got out his phone, tapping at the screen. “And that’ll free me up some time, too. The bounty I’ll be handling is an ugly one, and I need to be on hand as backup for the hunter.”

  “That bad?”

  “It’s probably worse than you think.”

  “If it’s that bad, take Harri with you,” my uncle suggested. “Despite appearances, she’s useful.”

  I choked on my own spit, and even Sebastian coughed. While I meant to do just
that, I stared at my uncle, wondering what the hell he was thinking—or if he’d uncovered my dirty little bounty hunting secret. “Me?”

  “Yes, you. You can, and have, gone up against every one of your brothers and your parents and emerged the victor just about every damned time. All you’d need to hold your own in a real fight is a knife.”

  Damn it. I hated to lose, but I hadn’t thought my insistence on giving it my all during the family brawls had been noticed by my uncle, or anyone else for that matter. “I don’t have a knife,” I lied. “I mean, outside of my kitchen knives, and I don’t want to stab people with my kitchen knives, Uncle Henry.”

  “That’s easily rectified. You don’t even need a knife. I’d be worried about fighting you if you were armed with even a spoon. But I’ve got a few pocketknives I can give you. That should give you all the weaponry you need. Just piss her off and point her at who you don’t like, Sebastian. She’s got good reason to have a temper, and she’s spent all of her life fighting with her brothers, so she can handle whatever you throw at her. If you want to throw her for a loop, just tell her she’s pretty. She’ll be so stunned you can get the drop on her.”

  “You are mean, Henry Wells!” As it was expected of me, I stomped my foot and hissed at him. “Absolutely mean.”

  “What part of that wasn’t true, little kitten?”

  “I can handle someone trying to tell me I’m pretty. I handle it by laughing at them. But it doesn’t throw me for a loop. It confirms they’re blind and possibly brain damaged. Or they have a scar kink. I mean, that’s always a possibility.”

  “Peter? Your daughter needs an attitude adjustment,” my uncle yowled, and to my amazement, he managed to cut over the cacophony of fighting felines. “She’s callin’ herself ugly again.”

  “I’m busy right now,” my father replied, and he tossed one of my brothers off the porch into the grass. “Have the boy adjust her attitude while I take care of this lot.”

  “It seems her daddy likes you already, else he would have come over here and beat you for not having already adjusted her attitude,” my uncle said, considering the brawl on the porch with interest. “I’d say take your daddy’s convertible, but your new yarn collection won’t fit. Why don’t you put the sewing machine in my car, and we’ll leave the stand in the bed of one of the other trucks. That way, you two can get back on the road. They’re going to be at it for a while.”

  “I’m all right with that if you’re all right with it,” Sebastian said.

  “That works. Guard the sewing machine with your life, Uncle Henry. If anything happens to it, I will cry rivers. Entire rivers.” While Sebastian retrieved the Singer out of the cab, I considered the nearby truck options, settling on the Ford with the least amount of rust as a temporary holding place for the stand. Once the sewing machine was safe in my uncle’s car and he gave me my new phone along with several pocketknives, I ran for my daddy’s truck, got behind the wheel, and started the engine. I rolled down the window, leaned out, and hollered, “Sebastian? Hurry up. If they catch us, they’ll keep us here until dawn.”

  Sebastian headed over as though he didn’t have a care in the world, chatting with my uncle on the way. They shook hands before my uncle returned to his car to guard the precious Singer.

  Once in the truck, Sebastian chuckled. “They’re so busy brawling they won’t notice us leaving. Your uncle even walked over the fight to get something from in the house without anyone caring. Relax. Do you want to drive while I look for a good hotel? It’s too far to reach Cincinnati tonight.”

  “He went to get my new phone and some pocketknives. The phone is yet another demonstration of guilt on their part. Forget the hotel. I’ll just take you home with me, that way we can drop off the yarn we won’t need for the next week or two. While I have a couch, it’s small. But so is my bed. You will have to pick where you sleep wisely.”

  “But how is the soundproofing?”

  I grinned. “My house is small, but it’s far enough from the neighbors a few roars won’t bother anybody. They’re used to lynxes. What’s a lion around for a single night?”

  “Don’t blame me if there are complaints,” he warned.

  “I think I’m going to be really disappointed if there aren’t now,” I muttered.

  The lion smirked but said nothing.

  Seven

  But why would I want you to be quiet?

  It wasn’t until I pulled up in front of the house I rented, which may have started its life as an oversized garden shed for all I knew, that I comprehended I’d made a rather serious mistake. The place barely had room enough for me, and while I’d done some tidying, I hadn’t planned for guests. Or possibly trashing the entire structure laying a claim on a lion.

  Even sharing my bed with the lion would require a complete lack of personal space and would make for a tight squeeze. My virus loved everything about sharing my bed with him.

  Unless he said no, I would be saying yes, and my willingness to evict myself from the eligible pool of single female lycanthropes appeased my virus. She waited, her eagerness warming me from within.

  Unless Sebastian refused to breathe or otherwise completely ignored his nose, he knew exactly what I hoped for.

  I didn’t want to think about what would happen if he rejected my advances, however awkward and inexperienced I was at displaying interest in hearing him roar for a reason other than pure frustration.

  “The building has to survive whatever happens tonight,” I informed him. “This is important to me, as while this is basically the equivalent of a nice shack, I don’t pay much rent on it, and I don’t think I can afford to replace it should we destroy it.”

  “I’m sure we can figure something out that doesn’t involve the destruction of your home. Despite the reputation lycanthropes have, we are entirely capable of reason. We’re also capable of not destroying everything around us when we’re engaging in certain activities with prospective mates. Or just mates. And since lions can be very noisy, my father saw fit to teach my brothers and I the finer points of being quiet before, during, and after successful seductions of our women.”

  “But why would I want you to be quiet? You roar.”

  On that, my virus and I were agreed. I needed a roar out of him, and I needed one soon.

  “I will be sure to give you at least one roar tonight,” he promised. “But seriously, we were taught because human women are fragile compared to lycanthropes, and the last thing we want to do is hurt our mate during a claiming, and until the virus has replicated enough to allow her to heal faster, we need to be careful, so my father made sure we know how to be gentle in bed. He also gave us a variety of tips and tricks on how to be gentle but excessively satisfying.”

  “Wait, excessively satisfying? How is that possible?”

  “Once, my father made my mother pass out. And at the time, my mother’s virus had fully taken root, she was well beyond her first shift, and she was well aware of his wily ways. Yet he managed to make her pass out. Let’s just say my father is an excellent example of what all men should strive to be like. I do not have my father’s experience, but I plan to make up for my lack of experience through extensive practice and enthusiasm. And I’m a lion. That helps. I’m a shifting lion who has been exercising more patience than I like the past few years.”

  “Oh.” I stared at him with wide eyes. “What a way to go. That would be pure tragedy, to be killed in such a way. But what a way to go.”

  “My mother asks for a repeat. Often. Usually when my brothers and I are visiting, as she feels we’re too easily embarrassed. He refuses, mainly because he was initially afraid he’d hurt her. Now she only complains he hurts her by not giving her a repeat performance, and he wants to save such evenings for when they’re planning to add to the family again.”

  “I really don’t want to cut into my savings repairing this place, but I’m siding with your mother on this one.”

  “Fortunately for you, I have brought handcuffs, and if y
ou have rope, I won’t even need to misuse any of the yarn. However, I will be using some of your quilting supplies, as ropes aren’t good for your skin. While my brothers are more inclined to immediately indulge in their wild side, I’m far more methodical than they are.” Sebastian chuckled and got out of the truck.

  Much like a lost puppy seeking attention, I followed him. “I’m the definition of inexperienced, so don’t get your hopes up. I am not under any delusions about my general prowess. Or having any prowess at all. And honestly? I’m not sure how I’m going to cope with any form of nudity. I do not own a bathing suit, Sebastian. Unless you run away, I’ll be scoring a grand slam during my debut as a lady of the night. Assuming I don’t run away. I might. I have never been in this position before.”

  The lion laughed. “Lady of the night? Don’t I have to pay for you to count as a lady of the night?”

  He made a good point. “Two words, Sebastian: vintage Singer.”

  “We have joint custody of the Singer, so it doesn’t count. That was as much of a gift for me as it is a gift for you. More importantly, your scars aren’t going to make me run away, although if you’re not ready because of them, then we wait. If you need me to be patient, I’ll be patient. If you need me to be impatient, then I’ll be that. I am not experienced, but I am fairly educated, I take pride in being smart, and my father made it clear if he ever caught wind of one of his sons not treating a woman right, we would be skinned alive, castrated, disowned, and tossed into a vat of acid. I’m sure we’ll, through extended mutual exploration, discover what we enjoy. And anyway, women aren’t cookie cutter creatures. Men aren’t, either. Every woman likes and dislikes different things. The key, according to my father, is that a good man takes the time to discover what those things are. A good woman does the same.”

  “Was your father born a lycanthrope?” My father had made a point of teaching all of my brothers—and me—one and done was probably how our love life would work out, but the careful use of condoms and the abstinence from all forms of oral sex might allow us to sleep around before settling down.