Running Fire

by Lindsay McKenna

  Compressing her lips, she felt tears stinging the backs of her eyelids. She couldn’t cry now. Not now! “I don’t want to hurt you, Kell…”

  “The only way you could pull that off, is if you tell me you don’t want a relationship with me.” He smiled a little sadly. “Is that what you’re telling me?” Because he had to know.

  Rubbing her face, Leah rasped, “I’m…not whole, Kell.”

  Kell didn’t move. But he wanted to. He heard the broken tone in her voice, felt it stab him in his heart. “No one is, Leah. Not even me. But I learned a while back that I make do with what I have. I don’t cry over what’s gone. I make a point of trying to learn from my mistakes and not repeat them. I’m only concerned with what’s left of myself after my marriage. I’m divorced. I learned a lot from Addy, my ex-wife. All I can do is move forward and try to do right by others.” The suffering in her eyes tore at him.

  “I’m a failure in so many ways,” she whispered, voice strained.

  “I don’t care,” he said patiently, holding her moist, confused gaze. “I’ll take whatever you want to give me, Leah. It’s on your time. Your schedule. I won’t push you.”

  Tears blurred her vision and she made a strangled sound in her throat. The tears fell. “You don’t know me!” Leah quavered, afraid to raise her voice.

  “That’s true, I don’t know everything about you. But I’m willing to find out, Leah. I feel I know enough about you to want a closer connection. And I’ll always let you define what that connection is between us.”

  “How can you be so damn sure of us, Kell?”

  “I kissed you last night. It told me everything I ever needed to know about you, Leah.”

  She angrily wiped away the tears, glaring at his passive expression. It was his eyes that held a burning look that seared her body, made her feel weak and sexually needy, wanting to have him kiss her like that once more. “I’m afraid, Kell. All right? I’m really afraid!”

  “So am I, but I’m not going to stop listening to my heart where you’re concerned.” He held her glittering stare, saw the deep anguish in her eyes, the terror of making a mistake in another relationship. “We’re in a risk-taking business. If we’re so willing to put our physical bodies on the line, knowing we could die, what’s so different about us putting our hearts on the line, too?”

  Covering her eyes with her hands, Leah tried to stop tears from falling. She hugged her knees to her chest. “I’m not good enough for you, Kell.”

  “Who the hell ever made you believe you were less than a whole woman?” He couldn’t keep the anger out of his voice. She looked as if he’d slapped her, but he hadn’t touched her.

  “I just know!” Leah pushed to her feet, walking away, unable to stand the care she saw in his eyes. She took three more steps and Kell was beside her, gently capturing her arm and turning her around. The next moment, Leah was staring up into his turbulent gray eyes. His hands settled on her shoulders, holding her, not hurting her.

  “Hayden Grant told you that,” Kell growled, his voice low with feeling. “It’s not true, Leah. He hurt you. I know that. I can tell by how you respond to me exactly how he treated you.”

  Her lower lip trembled. “I told you, I wasn’t—”

  Kell took her mouth, anchored her against him, tried to kiss away her fear that she was no longer whole and didn’t deserve him or a possible relationship. He molded his mouth against hers, felt her start to protest and then, suddenly, she buckled against him. Leah moaned and surrendered. She tasted so damn good, so clean and sweet. Her hand curled against his chest and he softened the kiss, not wanting to bruise her lips.

  Holding her, Kell slid his hand against her hips and pulled her against him. There was no denying his erection. She had to feel it and had to know what it meant. Or who the hell knew what she was thinking? He had no idea of how severely Grant had abused her. And he needed to find out.

  Releasing her mouth, breathing hard, Kell held her stunned-looking eyes. “I want you in my life, Leah. I don’t give a damn how broken you think you are. I see your heart. It’s whole. I see a good person in there. A kind person. From where I stand, there’s nothing wrong with you at all.” His words became guttural. “Grant brainwashed you. He’s a sick bastard and you know that now. But you didn’t know it then. You were younger and probably pretty naive. Hell, Leah, you didn’t have a mother to teach you about sexuality, about your own body or being a woman, what it feels like to be one, or how you should be treated by a man.” Kell saw her face crumple and he cursed himself. Diplomacy was not his specialty. Obviously.

  Leah closed her eyes, feeling gutted by his truth. Kell was a sniper. He was an alert observer of the human condition. She felt his arms around her, felt his lips resting against the top of her head, letting her silently know he wasn’t going to throw her away or abandon her.

  As Hayden had told her, she was a cold, screwed-up bitch who couldn’t please a man if she tried. He’d beaten her down in every way. And even now, the way Hayden saw her is how she saw herself. It was a frightening realization. Leah thought she had recaptured her self-esteem from the past, her confidence in herself. But that wasn’t true because she was fighting Kell’s invitation to try a relationship with him. And here she was, trying to make him believe she wasn’t worth wanting, desiring or loving. Anger rose in her, pure and hot.

  Hayden had stolen pieces of her spirit. And now that she’d met a man, a real man, she felt incapable of being who he saw her as: a woman who was worthy of being loved, being cared for and being protected, if necessary.

  “Come on,” Kell rasped, turning her around. “Let’s sit down. We need to hash this out.”

  Her knees were mushy. Leah leaned wearily against Kell, needing his strength as he led her over to the sleeping bags. She sat down, wanting to curl up into a fetal position of protection. Her mind was like a wild animal careening into the darkest corners of her wounds. Kell sat opposite of Leah, his leg resting against hers, his arm spanning her lower legs, his gaze tender as he watched her.

  “I don’t know where to begin,” Leah managed.

  “Start with me,” he said. “Do you want a relationship with me?”

  Sniffing, she brushed the tears away. “Y-yes.”

  “Okay, then there’s reason for us to continue our talk, Sugar. I need to know what’s got you so spooked about yourself. When you were in my arms last night, I couldn’t believe how warm and loving, how hot and hungry you were. I liked every bit of you.” Kell reached out, wiping a tear from her cheek with his thumb. “There’s nothing wrong with your body, Leah.” He managed a half smile. “Your body knows exactly what it wants. The only thing in the way is that mind of yours, how you see yourself. Or maybe, how Grant taught you to see yourself.”

  “I need to start at the beginning,” Leah choked. “I thought two years of psychotherapy had helped, but I was wrong.”

  “We all need some help now and then,” Kell said gently. “Where do you want to start?”

  Giving a painful shrug, Leah said, “With me. I only had two one-night stands in college. I just hid from boys because they scared the hell out of me. I didn’t understand them. I hated that they followed me around. In high school, I was a shadow. When I got to college, it was easier to hide in my dorm room. I got tricked twice by boys. I’m not very proud of it, Kell.” Leah waited for his judgment and censure. None was forthcoming.

  “In my freshman year, I met this guy. He came on strong and kept telling me how hot I looked. Maybe I was lonely. I don’t know, but I went out on a date with him. I didn’t know what to do. He kissed me and I didn’t know how to—respond. He got angry with me because when he tried to touch my breasts, I pushed him away. I felt so embarrassed and scared. I got out of the car and walked home. It wasn’t that far back to the dorm, but I was so shaken up, so scared, that I felt like a loser. Stupid.”

  “You weren’t stupid,” Kell said, his hand moving across her shoulder. “You didn’t have a mother to teach you a lot
of things, Leah. And I’ll bet your father never talked about your menstrual cycle with you? Or when you needed to start wearing a bra? All those things moms talk to their daughters about?”

  She took a ragged breath. “I was in high school, my freshman year, when a couple of girls took me aside and told me I needed to start wearing a bra. Before that, I was blind, deaf and dumb. I didn’t know…”

  Kell felt her pain. “But you survived it, and you learned.”

  “I did,” Leah said. “In my sophomore year at college, I met this guy and he kept after me for nearly half a year. I finally gave in and he took me to his dorm room. Tried kissing me, touching me. It was the same horrid situation all over again. I was terrified, pushed him down and ran out of his room.”

  “Did you ever have any talks with your father about this? About relationships? Boys?”

  “No. I was afraid to. He was always so busy and I didn’t want to bother him. I learned early on not to take my problems to him. He was so uncomfortable when I’d ask him something.”

  “What about Grant?”

  “I don’t know,” Leah muttered, shaking her head. “I look back to when I was twenty-three. I was trying to please my father, to get him to be proud of me for joining the Army and graduating from flight school. I was at the top of my class. I wanted him to praise me. Hayden was in his Shadow Squadron. We met at a squadron picnic. I just felt like a fish out of water, Kell. All the wives and girlfriends were there, and I was alone. I guess Hayden saw my discomfort and came over and made friends with me. He was nice…kind, then…” Her voice trailed off.

  Kell allowed his hand to travel lightly down her left arm. He took her cool, damp hand into his and said nothing. Leah was struggling and it was tearing him up. Grant was a wolf in sheep’s clothing. He’d really wanted Major David Mackenzie’s attention. What better way than zeroing in on his shy, innocent daughter? Using her to get what he really wanted, which was more power, a higher rank in the squadron.

  “I fell for him. He was so worldly, so polished and he was paying attention to me. In six months, we were married and my father couldn’t have been happier. I found out on our wedding night that whatever I had read about, whatever brides and grooms normally did, wasn’t what would happen to me.”

  Kell tried to steel himself against whatever she might say. His fingers stilled on hers.

  “I’m so embarrassed to tell you this…I had a hard time telling my therapist.” Rubbing her face, Leah couldn’t meet Kell’s gaze. “He tied my wrists to the headboard. He told me that’s the way he liked his women, helpless. I thought he’d try to kiss me, like those boys had. Or try to touch my breasts. But he didn’t. He pushed his fingers up into me and I remember the pain and I screamed, trying to get away from him. He covered my mouth with his hand and all I felt was terror.”

  Kell felt black rage roll through him. He held her hand a little tighter. He wanted to tear that bastard’s heart out of his chest.

  “He said I was dry. I didn’t know what that meant, what he was talking about. He got angry with me. I didn’t know…” Leah forced herself to look at Kell, his eyes flat and hard. “He just entered me. And I remember he nearly suffocated me because his hand was so large and it was across my nose and mouth. I was screaming. I think I lost consciousness…I don’t know…maybe fainted.” She shook her head. “When I came to, my hands were untied and I was in bed alone. I found him out on the couch, asleep.” She looked at him. “I wish I’d had experience. If—if I had some earlier, someone to tell me what ‘normal’ was, but I didn’t know…”

  He picked up her hand, kissing the back of it. “He raped you.” The words came out low and tight.

  Leah’s face scrunched up with pain. “Yeah, I finally figured that all out later. I thought that’s what husbands did to their wives. What the hell did I know? It felt wrong. It hurt. I was afraid to tell anyone because I was so ashamed. Hayden told me he’d kill me if I told my father or ever spoke to anyone about our sex life. I believed him.” She drew in a pained sigh. “About three months after we were married, I tried to fight back. I told him he wasn’t going to keep hurting me like that anymore. That’s when he hit me in the face.”

  Kell stilled his rage, his gaze going to her nose. “That’s how your nose got broken?”

  “Yes, and he fractured my cheekbone, too.” She touched it with her fingers, remembering that day. “I thought he was going to kill me right there in the kitchen. He swore if I ever fought back again, I would die. He’s a big man, Kell. I believed him.”

  “Of course you would. Why didn’t you go to your father?”

  Snorting, Leah whispered, “Hayden had situated himself with my father by marrying me. I finally realized what he was doing. My father, because he always felt guilty about Evan drowning, began to see Hayden as the son he’d lost. Hayden replaced Evan in my father’s world.” She grimaced, pushing strands of hair away from her face. “He wouldn’t have believed me.”

  “But what about your broken nose and cheekbone?”

  “Hayden told me to go to a civilian hospital off base and tell the medical staff that I’d fallen down a flight of stairs. I was too frightened at the hospital to ask for help. He was so violent…”

  “So, he hoodwinked your father for three years?”

  “Yes. I just partitioned off my personal life from my career. I wanted my father to be proud of me. And Hayden was jealous of me. He’d punish me by raping me. He didn’t do it often, just when he felt threatened. And if I didn’t go to my father and ask him to put Hayden up for a task that would make him look good in the squadron, he’d rape me that night.” She rubbed her cheek dry of tears. “I told you, I’m screwed up. I can look back on those three years and wonder where the hell my head was at.”

  “He beat you down fast,” Kell said, his voice vibrating with rage. “He knew exactly what he was doing, Leah. The guy’s a sexual predator. I’ve seen his type before. They look for someone who’s not worldly, someone they can manipulate and scare into submission. They use fear and physical abuse to control you.” His voice dropped to a rasp. “You were only twenty-three and what did any of us know at that age?”

  “Not much,” Leah muttered. “But I knew a lot less than normal. I tried two more times to escape him. The second time, he broke this arm.” She held up her right arm. “He did it on purpose, I think, because by then, I had joined the Shadow Squadron and was making really good grades. I was showing him up. I figured that out after the fact. With my arm in a cast for eight weeks, that put me behind in the ratings because I couldn’t fly, and it made his scores look good. I was out of the way. Looking back on it with my therapist, I saw I was focused more on pleasing my father than trying to survive Hayden’s machinations.”

  “You said there was a third time?” He saw Leah’s face close up, her mouth tighten.

  “I don’t want to talk about it, Kell. It’s just too painful. Maybe someday. But not right now.”

  “I understand,” he said, trying to get a hold on his rage. “And you say Grant is at Bagram right now?”

  “Yes, he’s the CO of the Shadow Squadron.”

  “How did you manage to get into his unit?”

  “Not by choice, believe me,” Leah said, frowning. “I got picked by the general to stand in for a pilot at Bravo who got appendicitis. It’s only a temporary slot and assignment. As soon as they can get a permanent replacement, I’m gone. I want nothing to do with that son of a bitch. I don’t ever want to see him again, Kell. He scares me to this day.”

  Kell could understand why. His mind turned over the sat phone calls with Axton. “He has jurisdiction over you, though?”

  “Right now. Yes.”

  “And did he see you when you flew into Bagram to take this assignment?”

  “No, he was out on a mission. His XO signed me in and gave me my orders for Bravo. I was so damned scared I would have to face him.” Leah shivered. “I wish I could get over my fear of him, Kell. I’ve tried so hard.”
<
br />   Kell knew Hayden was gunning for her right now. He was damned if he was going to bring it up. Leah had enough on her plate. Gently, he said, “I want to hold you.”

  She held his gaze, a trembling smile on her mouth. “I’d really like that.”

  Kell stood up and scooted her away from the wall and sat down behind her, easing her back against his chest, her legs inside of his. “Just rest right now,” he urged her thickly, bringing his arms across her waist. Leah placed her hands upon his. He was sure his erection was pressing into her lower back. She didn’t move, but simply melted against him, their trust in one another in place. He was grateful to Leah for giving him a chance. She could have turned him down for a hundred good reasons.

  His gut was tied in painful knots of rage. Grant had gotten away with abuse and spousal rape. He understood Leah being innocent and untrained in the ways of the world. A mother who hadn’t even had a chance to teach her daughter anything about her budding body. A father who didn’t care for his daughter as much as he had his son. Plus, most fathers would never be able to comfortably teach their daughters things about a woman’s body. Grant manipulated her to get what he wanted out of her blind father. Kell wasn’t sure who he was more angry with.

  And tomorrow, Leah was supposed to talk with her father. He’d like to rip him a new asshole. His arms tightened around her for a moment and he leaned to his left, pressing a kiss to her cheek.

  “Better?”

  “Much.” Leah sighed. “Did you know, Kell, that all my anxiety goes away when you come into the cave? If I’m with you, I feel fine. I feel strong. Confident.”

  “And if I’m not around?” he asked, nuzzling his face into the soft ginger strands near her temple, inhaling her scent.

  “I have too much time on my hands around here.” Leah partially laughed, opening her eyes and looking up at his shadowed gaze. “I think too much. About the past. About my many, many mistakes. You take my mind off all of that.”