Providence

by Jamie McGuire

Page 36

 

  “I’l see you at study group,” he murmured.

  I slammed the door behind them and stood in place, trying to slow my pulse. Adrenaline pumped through me like I’d been in a physical altercation. I breathed in and out slowly and covered my face. That was it. Any chance we might have had to be friends was over.

  My phone buzzed and I jumped. I hesitated before picking it up, and then peered at the lighted display.

  It was Jared.

  With each ring, I wil ed myself to answer it but couldn’t. The only explanation was the truth, and the truth would devastate him. The phone buzzed again, and I pressed the button, knowing if I didn’t answer he would end up outside my door. I wiped my face and tucked my hair behind my ear.

  “Hel o?” I waited for a moment and my heart pounded through the silence.

  “Are you okay?” he final y asked, the pain evident in his voice.

  I pressed my lips together and clinched my eyes shut, trying not to cry. “I’m ready. ”

  There was a pause, and then Jared’s strained voice came across the receiver. “You’re ready for what?”

  “I’m ready to move my stuff…I’m not going to study group, so I can help you. We can have my things moved by ten and we can go to bed and forget this ever happened. I won’t talk to him, I won’t go near him. I swear I won’t. ” I tried to sound optimistic, but my voice broke over and over.

  I heard a frustrated sigh. “Nina, you can’t do that. He’s your friend. ”

  “Yes, I can. I wil ,” I promised.

  I waited for him to tel me that he didn’t want a weak, faithless coward like me living with him, but he kept silent.

  “You don’t want me now, do you?” I asked, struggling to keep calm.

  He sighed. “I want you. I’l always want you. I want you here because you want to be, not because you want to prove something…to me or to yourself.

  I don’t want you to come here because you don’t trust yourself there. ”

  I dropped the phone, covering my face with my hands. Why would he want me after what I had done? It was pathetic at best, and at worst it was dangerously close to being unfaithful.

  I sat on my bed and rested my head on the pil ow, trying to cry quietly. I didn’t want Jared to hear and feel worse than he already did. Ten minutes later I heard a knock at the door. When I didn’t answer, it slowly opened. Jared stood at the door, looking as devastated as I felt.

  “I love you,” he said.

  I sat up and wiped my face, trying to look him in the eyes. He walked over to me and pul ed me to my feet, wrapping his arms around me.

  “I want you to come home with me,” he said against my hair.

  I nodded. It was the only thing I was capable of.

  We kept pace with one another in silence down the hal . Jared didn’t reach for my hand; he simply walked beside me, opening the various doors for me as we walked to the Escalade. When he pul ed away from the curb I struggled to keep the tears at bay.

  Jared reached over and gently placed his hand on mine. “Don’t cry,” he whispered.

  I shut my eyes, praying he wouldn’t offer further comfort.

  He drove to the loft and parked. Neither of us moved after he switched off the ignition.

  “I can have Claire grab some of your things if you decide to stay,” he said, looking ahead.

  “Do you want me to stay?” I looked down at our hands, afraid of his answer.

  Jared’s eyes darted over to me. “Do you even have to ask?”

  “You shouldn’t want me. I’m a horrible person. You must be so angry. ”

  “I’m not angry. You feel bad enough for the both of us,” he paused for a moment, and then continued. “This isn’t your fault. It’s not even his fault…I did this. You’re supposed to be with him,” he said, his voice breaking at the end.

  “Don’t I have a say in who I want? Don’t I have a choice? I don’t feel that I do. Even you act as if I don’t. No matter what I do, I lose. ”

  “You don’t know that, Nina. I could just be in the way. ”

  I shook my head, refusing to even consider that.

  Jared gently pul ed my chin to face him. “He said he wouldn’t make you choose. But if you don’t have a choice, I’m the one that loses. So I’m going to make you choose, Nina. Choose me. Please…. choose me. ” He shook his head. “I can’t live without you. ”

  I held his face and kissed him tenderly, pul ing back to look into his eyes. “I’ve already made my choice, Jared. I’l make it a thousand times if I have to. ”

  Jared buried his face into my chest and I held him to me, knowing he was as close to despair as I was. He had promised to fight fate for me, but I could see he was terrified that the fight wasn’t his at al —it was mine.

  The next morning I felt marginal y better. The fact that Jared’s arms were around me made the world seem right again.

  “How did you sleep?” he whispered.

  I turned over and pressed my cheek into his chest. “Like a rock. I don’t remember fal ing asleep. How about you?”

  Jared shrugged. “Al right, I guess. For me. ”

  “Did you get more than an hour?”

  “No, not real y. ”

  “You didn’t sleep at al , did you?” I grimaced.

  “I had a lot to think about,” he justified.

  When he noted my expression, he leaned down to kiss the top of my head and hugged me to him. “There are a lot of things for me to think about right now. ”

  “Like what?”

  “How about you get in the shower, and I’l get us breakfast. Waffles sound good?

  “Waffles sound great. Don’t change the subject. ”

  He chuckled. “I don’t want to start out the morning rehashing the chaos. Let’s just have a normal morning, okay? You have a test in a couple of hours and I’m just about ready for Little Corn. Once we get those out of the way, we can talk the whole thing to death to your heart’s content. ”

  I ignored his dig. “Little Corn. Mmmmm. Hammocks, sun, beach, ocean…that sounds even better than waffles. ”

  I left the bed, pul ing off his shirt on the way to the bathroom. I tossed the crumpled fabric into the hamper as I passed. Jared’s footsteps stopped abruptly and I smiled as I heard him continue down the stairs with a loud, flustered sigh.

  The next days passed quickly. Before I knew it, the tests were over, the papers were turned in, and school had been dismissed for Spring Break. I spent Friday night with Jared, but even in his warm arms I was too excited to sleep. Saturday was spent packing, and I teased Jared with the dozens of bikinis I’d purchased for the trip.

  Sunday final y arrived. I could barely contain my enthusiasm when I stepped out onto the tarmac. Cynthia had chartered a jet for our trip, as my father had always done. I had never understood before, but seeing the crates being wheeled in and loaded, I knew that flying commercial y wouldn’t be possible. I tried to remember earlier vacations, scanning my mind for similar memories of Jared or Gabe directing traffic and giving orders as I boarded the plane. There was none. My only memories were of the smiling faces of our flight attendants as I was led into the fuselage by the large hand of my father.

  I fol owed Cynthia up the stairs and tried not to stare at Jared as he handed our luggage to a man wearing a blue jumpsuit. I wasn’t sure how many people worked in the background when we left the country, but it seemed to be a ful blown tactical operation. Even knowing the truth, the activity around the plane seemed like needless fuss.

  Jared was al business. He seemed at ease giving orders and organizing the details of our flight, arrival and return. The men loading the plane worked fervently on each of his specific instructions, seeming to be afraid to make a mistake. When Jared spoke to one or a few, they listened with nervous obedience. He exuded control and leadership, and my heart raced in my chest.

  Jared turned around once to look at me, and I waved. His mouth turn
ed up into a warm smile before turning away from me with the no-nonsense expression he used with the crew.

  I counted one large crate and three smal er crates. The luggage had been loaded, including an entire set belonging to Cynthia. My mother had never been one to pack light.

  I tried to suppress my excitement when Jared finished and began to board the plane. He trotted up the stairs in a crisp white button down shirt and jeans and walked down the aisle, breezing right past me.

  My expression compressed into a disappointed frown. Jared was going to insist on just being my protector during this trip. My first inclination was to cross my arms and pout, but I restrained myself so I wouldn’t have to listen to Cynthia lecture me on Jared’s priorities.

  Jared plopped down in the empty seat beside me and fastened his seat belt. He let out an exhausted sigh and leaned over to kiss me on the forehead.

  “It’s a lot more work when I’m by myself. I should have brought Bex,” he chuckled.

  I stared at him for a moment, concentrating on keeping my heart rate at a normal pace and my smile polite. I didn’t want him privy to the fact that I was giddy about him being as much my boyfriend on this trip as protector.

  “I’m impressed,” I smiled.

  “Is that what it was? I wondered why you were so keyed up. I thought you had developed a sudden phobia of flying. ”

  I felt the blood rush to my face when the realization came as to why he had turned around and grinned at me from the tarmac. He could sense what I felt as I watched him.

  I feigned insult. “I’ve never been afraid to fly. ”

  Jared’s expression turned dubious. “Impressed with what, exactly?”

  I shrugged. “Just watching you give orders and how they reacted to you. I haven’t seen that side of you. It was very…appealing. ”

  “That’s what impresses you? Interesting,” Jared said, considering that for a moment.

  “Oh, it’s more than that. You impress me al the time,” I said, scanning his face.

  Jared leaned his head against the seat, staring into my eyes. He was clearly amused by the conversation. “Real y? And here I thought I needed to work harder,” he smiled, leaning toward me.

  I leaned in for a kiss, but he took each piece of my seat belt and fastened it snuggly across my waist.

  I smiled and sighed, gazing out the window at the various crew members on the run way. I could feel Jared’s warm breath on my neck; he was looking out the window over my shoulder. The exhilaration I always felt before a trip mixed with the elation of being virtual y alone with Jared for five days made it almost impossible to sit stil .

  “Are you al right? Your heart is going to take off before the plane,” Jared whispered into my ear.

  “I’m just happy,” I said, stil looking out the window.

  The pilot came over the intercom and spoke directly to my mother, tel ing her our position in line for take-off, the expected flight time and the current weather in Nicaragua.

  The plane pul ed forward and we taxied to the runway. Jared grabbed my hand and interlaced his fingers with mine. He leaned his head against the seat and watched me with his light blue-grey irises, a content grin spanning across his face. I smiled and closed my eyes as the plane suddenly gained momentum. The fuselage shuddered and then transformed into a weightless, graceful vessel the second we left the ground.

  Jared informed me that from the big island, there would be a water taxi that transports guests to Little Corn, but the smal boat wouldn’t be possible with the crates of expensive surveil ance equipment. He’d contracted a larger water craft to take us over and arranged for a car to take us to Casa Iguana, where we would be staying.

  “Just a head’s up, you won’t see me for several hours when we first get there. I’l be setting up a perimeter and situating the equipment. Cynthia’s reserved three cabins. She has the grand casita…”

  “Of course. ”

  “…and you and I have deluxe casitas. They’re not bad for little cabins nestled in the side of a cliff. ”

  “A cliff? Where’s the beach?”

  Jared smiled his patient smile. “Close. Just a two minute walk. The cliff cabins are more private. There’s nothing to worry about. ”

  “My guardian angel is with me. What could I possibly be worried about?” I grinned, kissing the corner of his mouth.

  He smiled at my words and continued. “It wil take some time for me to get set up, so that should give you time to get unpacked and settled into your room. ”

  “Three cabins seem wasteful to me. Why don’t I get settled at your place while you set up?”

  Jared shook his head, amused by my idea. “My place wil be ful of monitors and computer equipment. Not exactly a romantic setting. ”

  “Aw,” I lilted, my voice sickeningly sweet. “You’re going to be romantic?”

  He wrinkled his nose. “Don’t say ‘aw’. ”

  I giggled and leaned my head on his shoulder, settling in for the rest of the flight.

  We arrived on Corn Island in the early afternoon, and I began peeling layers. Two men, one shorter than I and the other as tal as Jared and twice as wide, met us just yards from the plane. Several other locals stood behind them, ready to work and a bit intimidated. I looked at Jared and couldn’t fathom why they would regard him in such a way. I had seen him look far more menacing than he did now.

  I quickly discerned that the two men standing in the front of the others were our drivers, and beyond them and the smal workforce were their two waiting vehicles. A car that might have doubled as a taxi cab sat with open doors and a rusty, white moving truck waited for the crates.

  I waited for Jared to demonstrate his fluent Spanish, but to my surprise he and the driver conversed in the only language I understood.

  Once again Jared took charge, issuing orders and getting the crates and our things secured in the vehicles. I stood next to him this time, and I was more than pleased when he took my hand.