Men, Women & Children: A Novel

by Chad Kultgen

  Tim told his guildmates good-bye when his doorbell rang and logged off after the first two comments appeared in guild chat in response to his departure, reading, “Is your mom’s pussy stretched out from that nigger she’s marrying yet?” and “What about her butthole? Niggers love butthole.”

  Tim and Brandy spent the night watching an episode of Locked Up Abroad, which they both found enjoyable. During the course of the episode, Brandy said, “I don’t know if this is totally off-limits or whatever, but why does your dad go to the football games if you’re not playing anymore?”

  It was in that moment that Tim realized that he had never asked himself this question. He knew the answer. His father wanted him to play football, wanted things to be like they used to be, so badly that he maintained his normal pattern of behavior, ignoring the obvious changes that were happening around him. Tim said, “I guess he likes football. He’s friends with some of the other dads, I guess.”

  Brandy said, “Oh. It just seems weird, you know?”

  Tim said, “Yeah. I guess it does.”

  After the episode of Locked Up Abroad came to an end, Tim turned off the television and kissed Brandy, who was happy to return the kiss. They continued to kiss and hug for the next thirty minutes without removing their clothes or elevating their physical interaction to a level that included anything beyond kissing and hugging. This made them both happy.

  Don Truby was far less inebriated than he usually was at the beginning of the second half. He knew that he was generally a happier person as a result of having a sexual relationship outside of his marriage. He wanted to tell Kent and Jim about Angelique Ice, about the new life he was leading, but he knew it was potentially dangerous to let anyone know about his infidelity.

  Jim Vance had scheduled his vasectomy to occur two weeks later, choosing to wait until his son’s regular football season had concluded, not wanting to risk any complication with the surgery forcing him to miss a game. Looking for some support in the matter from his friends, he said, “So, I’m getting a vasectomy in a few weeks.”

  Kent Mooney said, “Ouch.”

  Don Truby said, “She finally broke you down, huh? Getting the old nuts cut. I’d do it, too, if I had a wife forcing me to do it, I guess.”

  Jim said, “She’s not forcing me. We’ve talked about it for a long time and it seems like the best thing to do.”

  Don said, “Yeah. I bet you’ve talked about it. Did the conversation go something like this—‘If you don’t get your balls chopped off, I’m never fucking you again’?”

  Jim couldn’t help but laugh. Don’s recounting of the conversation wasn’t too far from the truth. Kent said, “I don’t know if that’s something I could ever do, honestly. Just the idea of it is . . .”

  Don said, “Well, you might want to get over that unless you want to have a kid with Dawn Clint.”

  Kent said, “Well, we’d have to have sex first.”

  Jim said, “How long have you guys been dating?”

  Kent said, “I don’t know, maybe a month or so.”

  Don said, “And you haven’t fucked her? I had no idea what a pussy you’d become.”

  Kent said, “I’m working up to it. We’re going out tomorrow night. It’ll probably happen then. I just haven’t been ready, exactly.”

  Don said, “Like, you can’t get a hard-on?”

  Kent said, “No, emotionally ready, you jackass.”

  Don said, “Wow. You’d be less of a pussy if you just had a limp dick.”

  Kent said, “Like I said, it’ll probably happen soon. How’re things with you and your wife going? You seem a little happier than usual.”

  Don suppressed the urge to tell them about his new status as a connoisseur of prostitution and said, “Yeah, things seem to be getting a little better, I guess.”

  Kent said, “That’s good to hear,” as the Olympians kicked off to the Pound Squires, who returned the kick for fifteen yards. The Squires’ next play was a run up the middle. Their offensive line employed several illegal blocks that left only Bill Francis, the middle linebacker who replaced Tim Mooney, as the last possible defender who could stop the fullback from breaking into the open field. Bill saw the fullback running toward him, so he lowered his head and closed his eyes, hoping that there wouldn’t be a significant amount of pain involved in their impending impact. He leaned into what he assumed would be the impending collision and fell down as his upper body’s weight set him off balance without the tackle he was expecting ever occurring.

  The Squires’ running back had merely performed a rudimentary side step in order to avoid Bill Francis, who he could clearly see wasn’t watching the play at all. As Bill lay on the ground, he rolled over just in time to see the Squires’ fullback sprinting off into the distance, twenty-five yards down field, for a touchdown.

  In the stands, Kent Mooney said nothing, but he knew that his son would have made the tackle. Don and Jim remained silent as well, knowing that Kent couldn’t have been happy about what he’d just seen.

  The Olympians’ offense took the field with slightly less than two quarters of play left in the game, the score fourteen to seven in favor of the Squires. Getting any form of offensive momentum going proved too difficult for Danny Vance in the face of the Squires’ incessant illegal tactics.

  The remainder of the game saw no further scoring from either team, making the outcome a fourteen-seven loss for the Goodrich Junior High School Olympians. No one said anything specifically about Bill Francis’s missed tackle on the bus ride back to Goodrich Junior High School, but it was obvious to all the players and coaches alike that his inept play was the clearest reason for the loss.

  Before the players were allowed to leave the field house back at Goodrich Junior High, Coach Quinn delivered a speech in which he blamed the loss on the illegal methods employed by the Pound Squires. He told his players that they were still in contention for the playoffs, and that it was imperative that they win their last regular season game. Without that win, they would have no chance at making the playoffs. He assured them that the loss against the Squires was a fluke, and that no team in their league would have been able to beat a team who cheated that much and was penalized for it so little. Coach Quinn knew that blaming Bill Francis would only create discord. The team had to be unified heading into the final game if they were to win against the Culler Cougars, who were, in Coach Quinn’s opinion, the best team in their league. Without a win against them, Coach Quinn knew that his consideration for the high school coaching job he desperately wanted would likely dissipate.

  Kent Mooney came home and went directly to his son’s room with the intent of making him feel guilty enough about the Olympians’ loss to return to the team for their final game. When he opened the door, his son was sitting at his computer playing World of Warcraft with his headphones on. Kent stopped at the door and thought about the reality of the situation. Even if he could convince his son to return for the final game, Coach Quinn would surely not let him set foot on the field after missing the entire season. There was no point in talking to his son. Kent shut his son’s door without Tim knowing he had ever been there and went to his own room.

  He saw on his bedside table the pamphlet Patricia Beltmeyer had given him at his first and only meeting of Parents Against The Internet. Looking through it, he came to the section that outlined how to download and install various types of surveillance software on any child’s computer. Kent thought about what Patricia had said regarding the nature of the game his son seemed to be spending more and more time playing in the past month. Though he knew that Patricia Beltmeyer was far too overbearing in these matters, Kent couldn’t help wondering if he should be concerned about his son, wondering if the amount of time he spent playing World of Warcraft was directly influencing his decision not to play football. Kent decided to install a program on his son’s computer the following Monday, when Tim was at school, that would allow him access to his son’s World of Warcraft account. At the very least, may
be he could come to a greater understanding of the game, and therefore a greater understanding of his son, which, he reasoned, couldn’t possibly be a bad thing.

  Confident in his decision, Kent sat on his bed and reached over to the spot where his wife used to sleep. He felt her pillow. He had bought new sheets the week after they separated, but in that moment he realized that he’d never replaced the pillows. He thought about Dawn Clint and the date they had planned for the following night. He was almost certain that he would have sex with her for the first time after the date. She would be the first woman since his wife that he would have sex with. She deserved new pillows at the very least, he thought.

  chapter

  nineteen

  Danny Vance woke up Saturday morning after a particularly vivid dream involving his participation as a soldier in a war that was being waged on an alien world against the indigenous and technologically superior creatures of that world. It took his mind a few seconds after waking up to recalibrate itself and recall the reality that the Goodrich Olympians were six-and-two with one game left in the season, a game that would be played against a team that was arguably the best in the district. Another loss meant they would be out of the playoffs and the eighth-grade football season would be over for every member of the Goodrich Junior High Olympian football team.

  He checked his phone and saw that he had a new text message from Brooke Benton. It read, “Sorry bout last nite :( not ur fault :) want 2 hang 2day?” He replied with a text message that read, “Sure. Let me take a shower and I’ll call u.”

  Danny Vance showered, brushed his teeth, and came into the kitchen, where he found his mother and father. His father said, “You okay?”

  Danny said, “Yeah. I guess. We just have to win this last game, which seems tough, you know?”

  Jim Vance said, “Yeah, but you can do it. Keep that chin up.”

  Danny said, “I will. I might need a ride to hang out with Brooke today.”

  Tracey Vance said, “Okay. I can take you. Just let me know when.”

  Danny Vance ate breakfast and knew that the final game of the regular season would be the toughest he would have to play. The Culler Cougars didn’t cheat, like the Pound Squires. They didn’t have a freakishly tall player, like the Irving Aardvarks. They were just extremely good. They ran plays with precision. Their defense was difficult to fool. Their special teams were the best in the district. A win against them would be possible only if every member of the Olympian football team played the best game of their season. It was possible.

  A few hours later, Danny had his mother take him to Brooke’s house, where they planned to watch a movie with her little brother, Andrew, whom she was babysitting while her parents were shopping for a new bed. Once Danny arrived, Andrew informed them that he had a test on Monday that he felt he hadn’t properly prepared for. Andrew was identical to his older sister in that he, too, was instilled with a deep need to outperform his peers in any manner that presented itself, be it athletic, academic, or anything else.

  Andrew went to his room to study, leaving Brooke and Danny to occupy the living room alone. Brooke scrolled through the movies that were available on demand and found nothing that either of them wanted to see. Brooke had Wall-E saved on her DVR, which Danny agreed to watch for what he estimated to be the one-hundredth time. It was Brooke’s favorite movie, and, as such, Danny had sat through it more times than he could remember.

  Brooke had no real plan when she started kissing Danny a few minutes into the movie; she just knew she needed to lose her virginity as soon as she could in order to make herself feel that she was still the alpha member of the Olympians. Danny didn’t object to kissing Brooke, but when she reached down and started unbuttoning his pants, he said, “What are you doing?”

  Brooke said, “I don’t know. My brother will be in his room until my parents get back, probably, and they won’t be back for like a few hours at least.”

  Danny said, “But I thought we talked about this.”

  Brooke said, “I know we did, but in my opinion we might want to, you know, give it another try or something.”

  Danny said, “Why?”

  Brooke said, “Because we’ve been together for a long time, and it’s something we should be doing. We love each other, right?”

  Danny said, “Yeah, we do, but . . . we have the biggest game of the season coming up. I want to be focused on it. I mean, if we lose, we’re out of the playoffs.”

  Brooke said, “I know. I just thought maybe this would help you relax a little.”

  Danny said, “I don’t know. I don’t think we should.”

  Brooke said, “Well, in my opinion we should. And I think we should like . . . have sex, too.”

  Danny said, “I don’t get why you’re wanting to do this now. I thought we were cool with not doing anything but kissing and stuff for a while.”

  Brooke said, “I was cool with it, and once we have sex we can totally go back to just kissing and stuff if you want to, but we should do it at least once, just to, like, get it out of the way and everything.”

  Danny thought about this. He had put the possibility of having sex out of his mind since his conversation with Brooke weeks before in which they agreed to scale back their physical relationship. He was comfortable with the level of physical intimacy they had agreed on. It made him more able to concentrate on football, which was important to him. He assumed that having sex with Brooke would make concentrating on the final game difficult. He wondered why she had changed her mind so quickly and he couldn’t help thinking about the time she’d performed oral sex on him. It was pleasurable and it was something that he thought about with moderate frequency, especially when he masturbated. Sex with Brooke, he presumed, would be even more pleasurable.

  He said, “Can we just agree to not do anything until after the game this week and then we’ll talk about it?”

  Brooke said, “Yeah.”

  Danny said, “Cool.”

  Brooke laid her head on his chest and they finished watching Wall-E, each wondering what it would be like to have intercourse with the other.

  Kent was as nervous as he was excited about seeing Dawn again. He took a shower, did his hair, and then took the bottle containing five 100-milligram tablets of Viagra out of his medicine cabinet. He had already read the instructions multiple times and knew that one tablet was to be ingested approximately one hour before sexual interaction. He opened the bottle and took one of the tablets out, staring at it in his hand, wondering where he would conceal the tablet while on his date with Dawn, wondering how he would gauge her interest in engaging in any kind of sexual interaction. What if she was having her period? What if she just wasn’t in the mood? Having to take the tablet an hour before sexual interaction seemed like it might present problems for Kent. The last thing he wanted was to take the tablet and not have sex, leaving him with what he assumed would be an insatiable erection for the rest of the night. Beyond that, he had a limited supply of the tablets, which were not cheap in Kent’s mind, and he had no intention of wasting even one of them.

  He left the tablet on his bathroom sink, put on his clothes, and then went to the kitchen and got a small piece of tin foil, which he wrapped the tablet in. He then put the foil-wrapped tablet in his wallet along with a condom from a pack of twelve he had purchased earlier that day at CVS. He knocked on his son’s door before leaving for his date but got no answer. Kent cracked the door open to find Tim playing World of Warcraft with headphones on. Kent walked in and tapped his son on the shoulder, not thinking to read any of the scrolling green text in the guild chat window, which would have correctly revealed that his ex-wife was on the verge of getting remarried and would have incorrectly informed him that she was marrying a black man.

  Tim took his headphones off and Kent said, “I’m leaving for my date. I left you some pizza money on the kitchen table if you want.”

  Tim said, “Okay, thanks.”

  Kent didn’t know where he would be having sex wi
th Dawn at the night’s end, and he didn’t really know how to broach the topic with his son. He said, “Um, I might be out pretty late tonight. Like, maybe the entire night.”

  Tim said, “It’s cool. We’re raiding all night.”

  Kent said, “Um, also, I might be coming back here early, but, um, with Dawn.”

  Tim said, “Okay.”

  Kent said, “Okay,” happy to have avoided any perceptible awkwardness between him and his son. Then Kent left for his date.

  Tim put his headphones back on and accepted a raid invitation he’d received from Mzo. Tim thought about his father moving on just as his mother had. He couldn’t feel the emotions he knew were supposed to be there. He assumed this was because of the Anafranil. Tim had found some comfort in the fact that his father hadn’t moved on like his mother had. He held no hope of his parents reuniting. He knew that was out of the question, especially based on the fact that his mother was on the verge of getting remarried, but he found his father’s reluctance to replace his mother comforting. He had never told his father this, but he felt that this reluctance was something they shared. He knew that he should feel sad about that reluctance dissipating in his father, but instead he only felt hollow. It was a strange coincidence to Tim that the first Saturday his mother failed to call him from California was also the day his father was going to have sex with another woman. He wanted to feel something about all of this, but he found he couldn’t even feel numb. There was simply nothing for him to feel at all. He put the absence of feeling out of his mind and continued his raid, sending e-mails to Brandy through her Freyja account during any break his guild would take and reminding himself that nothing mattered.