Because of Her

by KE Payne

  “But she still lives up North, I take it?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Must be horrid.”

  “It is,” I said.

  “It’s nice, though.” Eden breathed out slowly and shifted the weight from one foot to the other. “Long-distance love.”

  “Yeah, but…”

  “But?”

  “Sometimes I wonder if it’s all worth it, you know?” I said. “Her up there. Me down here.”

  “I’m sure those kinds of relationships can work if you’re really into one another.” Her eyes roamed mine. “Are you?”

  “Am I what?”

  “Really into her?”

  “Yeah.” I looked away. “And kinda counting the days until I can leave this place and be with her again.” I slid my eyes back to her. She was still watching me, so I looked out of the window.

  “Only kinda?”

  Was she sounding me out? Questioning my loyalty to Amy?

  Of course she wasn’t.

  “We made a pact,” I said, “that I’d be as horrendous as I could at Queen Vic’s so I’d get sent home.” I shrugged. “Three months in and I’m still here.”

  “Because you’re not an horrendous person,” Eden said softly. “Or is it more like now you’re here, you realize it’s not as bad as you thought?”

  More like now I’m here, and I’ve met you.

  Eden looked out of the window, too, so we were now both facing in the same direction.

  “So who else knows?” she asked.

  “About me?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Libby and Greg,” I said. “That’s all.” I hesitated. “It’s no secret, really. So as vacuous as Beth and Gabby can be, I don’t care if they know, either.”

  “It’s nothing to do with them.” Eden bristled.

  “No, but they’re your best friends. If they ever ask you, just tell them.”

  “I don’t know,” Eden said, sighing. “They’re so shallow sometimes, it does my head in. Boys are everything to them, but boys aren’t everything to everyone, are they?”

  “Not to me.” I grinned.

  “No.” Eden stared straight ahead for a few moments, thinking. “Anyway, I’m glad you felt like you knew me well enough to tell me,” she finally said.

  “Me, too,” I said.

  “I better go,” she said. “You’re coming to fencing tomorrow night, aren’t you? Knee permitting?” She signalled towards my leg.

  “Wouldn’t miss it for the world,” I said.

  I meant that, too. Every word.

  Chapter Fourteen

  “I was thinking,” Eden said, stepping back from me and lifting her mask. Her face was shiny with sweat, her hair sticking up. “About what you said about sightseeing with Amy.”

  It was the next night. Tuesday. Fencing night. I was still buzzing from the day before when I’d come out to Eden. Although I knew I probably shouldn’t have fenced that night, considering I’d only busted my knee a few weeks earlier, I also knew nothing was going to stop me. My euphoria from having told Eden would see me through any pain barriers, I guessed.

  “And?” I replied, pulling my mask off and running my hand through my hair.

  “Well, I couldn’t believe it when you said you didn’t go up in the Eye,” Eden said slowly.

  “Yeah.” I laughed. “Just about the one thing we didn’t do, but it would probably have been the best thing.” I declined to tell Eden about the row Amy and I’d had over it.

  “So there are still parts of touristy London you’ve not seen?”

  “I guess.” I put my foil on the mat by my feet and took my glove off, wiping my hand down my sweats. “It’s so hot in here, don’t you think?”

  “Boiling.” Eden took her glove off and did the same thing. “So, yeah. I was wondering if you fancied doing the Eye experience thingamabob with me this weekend? I mean, it’s been ages since I’ve done it myself. It’d be good to—”

  “The London Eye?”

  “Yeah. Or is that too nerdy, like you thought fencing was nerdy?” Eden grinned.

  “No!” I blurted. “No, I’d love to. Thanks.”

  “London’s an awesome city,” Eden went on. “It would be a shame if you didn’t see all its best bits. From the Eye you can see, like, everything.”

  “And…you want to bring Beth and Gabby, too?” I asked hesitantly.

  Please say no.

  “Well…” Eden bent down and picked up her foil again. “I was kinda thinking just me and you. Is that okay?”

  “Yeah, sure. Thanks.” I tried to keep my voice measured, when inside I was jumping around with happiness.

  “I mean, Beth and Gabby have lived here all their lives,” Eden said. “I’m sure they wouldn’t want to come, even if I asked them.” She paused. “But if you want to ask Libby or Greg…or Amy, if she can come down again so soon?”

  I felt the usual wave of guilt. The thought of spending an entire day with Eden on my own was too good an offer to turn down. There was no way I’d ask Amy to come, despite knowing it was wrong to think like that.

  “No,” I finally said. “She wasn’t keen on the idea on Saturday. I don’t think she’ll have changed her mind in a week.”

  Lame.

  “So, you fancy it, then?” Eden twiddled the handle of her foil in her hand and considered me.

  “Well, it’s either that or go watch my brother play football this weekend.” I grinned. “So, yeah. I’d love to.”

  *

  “She’s taking you where?” Greg leant past me and grabbed one of my pens, waggling it in my face. “Can I?”

  “Do you ever have a pen with you?”

  “I do! I have lots.” Greg opened up his messenger bag and showed me a pile of pens inside. “Just none that work.”

  “Handy.”

  I fished in my rucksack and pulled out another pen to replace the one Greg had just taken from me. I pulled the lid off and scribbled some circles on my notepad to make sure it worked.

  “So? Saturday?” Greg asked. “The Eye, huh? Nice.”

  “Yeah,” I replied. “I told her I hadn’t done it yet, and she said it was the only way to see this fair city of ours.”

  “Ours?”

  “What?”

  “This fair city of ours?” Greg repeated. “Are we converting you at last?”

  I didn’t answer.

  “And then maybe drinks afterwards? Perhaps a little dinner? Sharing a plate of spaghetti?” Libby bumped my arm. “A romantic stroll down along the Thames?”

  I gave her a withering look. “You forget two things,” I said. “One, she’s straight, two, she’s just being friendly, and three, I’m dating Amy.”

  “You said two things.”

  “Whatever.”

  “Well, you never know,” Libby said, watching as Dr. Thompson entered the room. “After this weekend, you might have a better idea of whether you really do like her or not.”

  “I do like her,” I stressed. “That’s becoming clearer and clearer the more time I spend with her.” I lowered my voice as Dr. Thompson began to set up his laptop on his table to the front of the lab. “Despite me telling myself she’s just a friend, well—”

  “It’s clear you want her to be a helluva lot more than that?” Greg offered.

  “And then I come back to Amy,” I said, lowering my voice even more as Dr. Thompson began to speak. “So, yeah. I like Eden too much, but there’s not a damn thing I’m going to do about it.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  Eden was waiting for me on that Saturday, just as we’d arranged, outside Bond Street station, having come down the line from her house in Kilburn. She was leaning against the wall outside the Tube station, gazing around her and looking so captivating, it made my heart ache just to see it. I loved how she was dressed: hands dug deep into a dark blue hoodie with I’m Not Getting Smaller, I’m Just Backing Away From You written on the front of it in white letters, faded jeans, and a pair of Airwalks that gave mine a r
un for their money in the battered-up stakes.

  Her hair was gathered up and held in place with a large grip. She only occasionally wore it like this at school, usually preferring to have it loose. I loved it either way, but today she looked especially cute.

  “You’re early.” Eden pulled herself away from the wall and approached me. “My train got me here quicker than I thought it would. I thought I’d be standing here for ages.”

  “Am I?” I looked at my watch. I knew I was early. That had been deliberate.

  “Nice top.” She nodded. Her eyes lingered briefly on it, making me self-consciously smooth it down.

  “Thanks. Yours, too.”

  We walked mostly in silence towards the Eye, stepping out of the way of the people walking towards us, occasionally making a comment about something we’d seen in a shop window or across the other side of the road. It didn’t matter how inane the stuff we were chatting about was—I was just happy to be in her company, to be near her, and have her walking so close next to me.

  I felt easy in her company, too. The nerves I’d felt on my way over to meet her had disappeared the second she’d spoken to me, and now I felt relaxed and contented. We rounded the corner and mingled with the small crowd that was gathered next to the Eye, my ears picking up snippets of different languages—Spanish, French, Japanese—as people chattered excitedly amongst themselves.

  Now that I was standing right next to it, the huge scale of the London Eye was jaw-droppingly apparent. It rotated much slower than I thought it would, giving the uniformed guides below plenty of time to herd groups of tourists into each capsule. I stood rooted to the spot, gazing up at it, my eyes wide in wonder, my mouth slightly open, thumbs hitched firmly into the pockets of my trousers.

  After a few moments, I became aware of Eden standing next to me and hastily looked away, glancing at her as I did so. She was smiling.

  “You look like a kid who’s watching fireworks for the first time,” she said.

  “Sorry,” I said. Warmth flooded my cheeks. “I didn’t realize just how big it is. I mean, it’s huge, isn’t it?”

  “Biggest in Europe.” Eden looked up at the Eye. “And you don’t have to apologize, you know. It was nice to see. The look on your face, I mean.” She glanced down at me and held my gaze awhile. “Not gonna be scared, are you?”

  I pulled my eyes away from hers and looked back up to the sky. “Scared?”

  “Because it’s so high,” Eden said. “Now’s not a good time to remember you don’t like heights!”

  “Pff!”

  “Good, ’cos I don’t want us to get up there and have you pass out on me. C’mon.” Eden took my hand and pulled me away from where I was standing, leading me over to the ticket office.

  The feel of her hand in mine sent tingles through me, the warmth of her skin and the occasional squeeze of her fingers making me light-headed. As we joined the end of the queue just inside the office door, she slowly let go again, the brief brushing of her fingers against mine the last lovely reminder of how it had just felt.

  We bought our tickets and made our way back out of the busy office, this time joining the end of the queue of people waiting to board. I looked idly around me, staring at the nameless faces in the queue. I wondered if any of them were with someone they really liked, desperate to make a good impression, like I was with Eden. I glanced across at her and watched while she gazed ahead. Her profile was illuminated by the midmorning sunshine, the sun radiating from her honey-coloured skin, giving her a fresh, beautiful glow. I occasionally glanced away but kept looking back, unable to pull my eyes away from her for more than a second.

  “Remind me to show you St Paul’s when we get to the top.” Eden’s voice made me immediately look away, worried that she’d see me staring at her yet again. “On a clear day like today it’ll really stand out.”

  “I’ll have my phone ready.” I put my hand into my pocket and pulled out my iPhone, waggling it in the air.

  “I can’t believe you didn’t get to bring Amy here, y’know,” Eden said as the queue finally started to move.

  “Yeah, I know.” I took a few steps forward. “But she wasn’t keen.”

  “Seriously? I mean, the tour bus is great, but to see the real London you really have to come up here.” Eden jerked her chin towards the Eye. “At the top you can see for miles. It feels magical up there.”

  “Do you have shares in it or something?” I joked. “You keep telling me how good it is. It’s like you have money tied up in it.”

  “No.” Eden’s face fell. “I just know how good it is ’cos I’ve been on it myself.”

  The look of hurt on her face made me feel like I’d just kicked a puppy. I felt like the biggest jerk in the world for mocking her when all she was doing was trying to be friendly.

  “Sorry,” I said. “That came out wrong. I didn’t mean to—”

  “I thought it’d be a cool way to show you the best of London, thassall,” Eden said, still looking crestfallen.

  “It’s perfect, and I’m sorry.” I reached out and ran my hand up and down Eden’s arm, making her look at it, then back to me. I dropped my hand and deliberately took a small step away from her, afraid I might have freaked her by touching her arm.

  “Am I being a bit full-on?” she said. “Gabby’s told me I have a habit of being in people’s faces.”

  “I like full-on,” I said. My face heated when I realized what I’d said. “I mean, not that you are. But if you were—which you’re not—I’d like it because I like people who are like that.”

  Quit gabbling, Tab.

  “So,” Eden said slowly, “if I wasn’t full-on, you wouldn’t like me?”

  “No! I mean, yes,” I blurted out. “I’d like you whatever. I mean I do like you whatever.”

  “Good,” Eden said, a look of mischief on her face. “I like you, too. So we’re sorted.”

  We advanced in the queue while my face returned to its normal colour, and my heart started to slow back to its regular rhythm once again.

  “You’re a breath of fresh air at school, you know that?” Eden turned and looked at me.

  “Really? That’s nice.”

  “Yuh-huh. With your funny quips and funny ways.” Eden glanced at me again. “And your funny accent.” She caught my eye, making us both laugh.

  “Well, I aim to please.” I poked my tongue out at her, suddenly feeling overwhelmingly happy.

  I gathered my thoughts, desperate to talk more with her, wanting to hear her laugh again. It was a nice sound, and I suddenly thought I could quite happily listen to Eden Palmer laugh all day.

  “Won’t Gabby and Beth be insanely jealous that you’ve found yourself a new friend now?” I raised my eyebrow mischievously.

  “Tsh.” Eden looked out into the distance, a flash of disdain on her face. “Like I just said, you’re a breath of fresh air around here.”

  “I thought you three were watertight?” I arm bumped her.

  “Sometimes that’s not always healthy,” Eden said.

  We moved forward another step, closer to the entrance to our capsule.

  “But you get on okay with them, don’t you?” I persisted. Libby, I thought with a wry smile, would love the way this conversation was going, if she was here.

  “Oh yeah, I get on fine with them,” Eden said hastily. But then she faltered, choosing her next words carefully. “But sometimes…you know?”

  “You feel like a change?”

  “Precisely,” Eden replied. “Sometimes, I don’t know, sometimes it feels as though I can’t do anything without them wanting to know about it. I feel suffocated by them, which isn’t fair of me because they’re my oldest friends.”

  “But you’ve managed to keep your fencing secret.”

  “So far.” Eden smiled tensely.

  We took another two steps forward, then stopped again.

  “Were they always like that?” I asked. “Overbearing, I mean.”

  Eden shook her head. �
�I guess people can drift apart, can’t they?” She looked at me. “We seem to have different interests these days. I mean, neither of them are into the same things as I am.”

  “Such as?” I asked.

  “They think we’re still thirteen,” Eden said. “And that we’re all still into the same music, the same clothes, the same boys…” She sighed.

  “And they don’t understand people change?” I offered, thinking about Amy and the comments she’d been making to me recently about her still being small town while I was beginning to feel like I was moving forward. “It happens a lot. People grow up and find other things in life that they want to do. It’s the natural progression of growing older, I guess.”

  “Nope. They don’t understand that.” Eden took another step and I followed. “And…oh, I don’t know…then someone else comes along…” She looked at me. “And that person clicks and feels more like who you are yourself, and then you look at your old friends and begin to see strangers.”

  “Do you mean me?”

  Eden nodded. “You’re more like me than Gabby and Beth are these days,” she said. “I feel like I’ve got a lot more in common with you than I do with them.” She stopped. “And I’ve started to feel recently like I want to spend more time with you than them,” she suddenly said. “What with fencing and everything, you know?”

  “Ha!” I laughed. “Don’t tell them that, will you? I think they already don’t like me very much. If they think I’m taking you off them, that’ll give them even more reason to dislike me.”

  “I don’t think they dislike you, Tabby,” Eden said. “I just don’t think they get you. Because you’re different. They don’t quite know what to make of you, your sense of humour, your quirks and put downs.”

  “And they don’t even know I’m gay yet, do they?” I asked. “That’s going to be something to look forward to.” I laughed hollowly.

  “No,” Eden asserted, “they don’t know.”

  “But you get me, don’t you?” I said, catching her eye.

  Eden didn’t answer at first, and I wondered if she’d actually heard what I’d said. Then finally, “I totally get you,” she replied slowly, returning my look and holding it.