The Blasphemy In The Canopic Jar & More Tales Of The Cthulhu Mythos

by McLaughlin, Mark

  Seth opened a jar of buffing cream and rubbed the gritty ooze over his face. “Is there that much money in funerals?”

  “Oh, she didn’t stop there. She also opened some restaurants and catering services. All haute cuisine. Her empire has been steadily expanding. More funeral parlors, restaurants, real estate, chemicals–”

  “Chemicals?”

  “Sure.” Maggie poured herself another glass of champagne. “Some of her businesses rely on keeping things fresh. Steaks. Fish filets. Human bodies. Maybe preservatives are the only thing keeping Sabah presentable.”

  Seth pushed back his bath-softened cuticles. “She doesn’t need them. She’s already pickled in vanilla vodka.”

  - - -

  “Tell me about Egyptica,” Seth said, walking with Mrs. Dakhamunzu into the Blue Room for dinner.

  Sabah gasped. “What do you know about Egyptica?”

  “Only what you’ve told me – after a few drinks.”

  “Oh dear.” She laid her hand softly on his arm. “Let’sss not bring up that topic again.”

  As Seth helped Sabah into her chair, a thought occurred to him. Were the restaurants they visited so frequently all part of her financial empire?

  “You must eat out often,” he said. ‘All the waiters know you by name.”

  Sabah laughed. “They should! I am their ….how you sssay….” She paused for a moment. “Meal ticket. My friend Dr. Khyan thinksss that you, too, think of me as a meal ticket.”

  “Then this Dr. Khyan isn’t really your friend.” He held her small, dry hand. “What do you think?”

  “I think he may be right,” she said, “but it doesn’t matter. Rich old men are often accompanied by young ladies. I enjoy having dinner with a handsome young man. Lassst night, a gentleman friend gave me a call. A fellow named Umer, a sssenior partner at a law firm. Very wealthy, but his ssskin is so wrinkled and loose. A boring, awful man. Ssseth…” Smiling dreamily, she cocked her head to one side. “You’ve been with older women before, yesss?”

  Seth found her smile promising. This was a look that whispered carte blanche.

  That night, Seth discovered that Sabah had an amazing body. Amazingly gaunt. Amazingly wrinkled. Amazingly wiry. Her agility reminded him of a praying mantis, or perhaps a capering spider monkey.

  - - -

  Time passed and with another night came another penthouse party. Simone wasn’t feeling well, so Seth went by himself. He scanned the room. It wasn’t time to replace Sabah yet, but it didn’t hurt to look.

  He noticed a gnomish man in an ill-fitting tuxedo waving to him from the bar. The old man pushed through the partygoers until he reached Seth. “Good to meet you at lassst, Mr. Kendall,” he said.

  Without question, he was the most wrinkled person Seth had ever seen. His deeply tanned skin dangled from his bones. He looked like a leathery scarecrow with only half its stuffing. And, apparently he shared Sabah’s speech impediment. His teeth, like hers, were large, white and square.

  “Excuse me, but have we met?” Seth said.

  “No. My name is Umer Horemheb. I’m a friend of Sssabah Dakhamunzu.” The old man leaned forward to shake his hand. “I sssaw the two of you at Carlotti’s the other day. Sssabah is quite taken with you. I hope you know exactly who you are dealing with.” Umer started to breathe heavily. Either he was angry or he was having some sort of attack.

  The same teeth, the same speech impediment…. Yet the old man couldn’t be related to Sabah. He was the one who wanted to go out with her. They were probably from the same area in Egypt … maybe this Egyptica that Sabah didn’t want to discuss.

  “I fail to see how my relationship with Sabah is any of your business,” Seth said.

  The old man’s almond-shaped black eyes narrowed. “Sssabah is not your kind.”

  “My kind?” Seth took a sip from his cocktail. The jealous old fossil must have meant type.

  “Sssabah is a princess of Egyptica. But of course, that means nothing to you.”

  “Is that where you’re from?”

  Umer nodded tersely.

  “I’m thinking you’re not supposed to be talking about Egyptica with me.” Seth grinned. “Be careful, you may get in trouble with all the other folks in Egyptica ... wherever that is.”

  The old man grabbed Seth by the lapels. “I am a lord of the Hidden Realm. I can sssay what I please!”

  It was easy enough to push the old man off of him. Despite his excess skin, he probably weighed only about ninety pounds. “Easy, gramps,” Seth said. “You may be a big deal in that Hidden Realm of yours, but I can still kick you ass here and now.”

  Mr. Horemheb straightened out his tuxedo. “I have a proposition for you, Mr. Kendall. Care to ssstep into the hall?”

  As a waiter with a drink tray passed, Seth snatched up a champagne glass. He followed Umer through the party toward the door. No doubt the old man was going to pay him to keep away from Sabah. He hardly knew what to think of the old fool’s talk about the Hidden Realm. Hidden? How could anyone hide an entire country?

  The hall outside of the party was empty. Seth watched as Umer made sure to shut door behind them. Then the old man reached inside his jacket and pulled out–

  Not a checkbook, or even a gun. Umer pulled out a plastic bag with an enormous insect inside. He tore open the bag and flung the insect at Seth. The blue-green beetle spread its wings, opened its mandibles and launched itself toward the young man’s face.

  Seth tossed the contents of hs champagne glass at the creature. The insect flailed its wet wings madly as it spun in the air. Then it flew at Umer’s face and sank its mandibles into one of his eyes.

  Seth ran down the hall. The old man’s screams echoed behind him.

  - - -

  Seth sat on the edge of his bed. It was four in the morning and he couldn’t decide what to do. Having Sabah in his life was too strange and too dangerous. He thought of calling the police, but what could he say? That an elderly man had attacked him with a meat-eating mutant scarab?

  He wondered if other Egypticans would come for him now. What would they use to attack him? More scarabs? Asps? Sacred cats? Mummies? He vaguely remembered that the Egyptians of ancient times worshipped a veritable herd of animal-headed deities….

  At that moment, the doorbell rang.

  Seth pulled a small handgun from under the mattress. He’d never used the gun. He only kept it in the unlikely event that one of his not-so-lovelies had a temper – or worse, a jealous, violent husband. He loaded the guns with bullets from his nightstand and went to the front door, where he looked out the peephole.

  A tall, hugely obese man with a dark, wrinkled face waited outside. Like Sabah and Umer, he also had large, square teeth. “I can hear you, Mr. Kendall,” the pale man said. “Mrs. Dakhamunzu wishes to sssee you.”

  “It’s late,” Seth said. “I’m not going anywhere.”

  “You can ssstay right where you are,” the visitor said. “I am Dr. Khyan. May I come in?”

  Seth opened the door. When Dr. Khyan entered, Seth closed the door and pointed the gun at him. “Sabah’s friend Umer tried to attack me with a killer scarab, and now you pay me a late-night visit. So, you’ll forgive me if I keep this little precaution handy. Put your hands up and go sit on the couch.”

  Dr. Khyan did as he was told.

  “Now. Explain why you’re here.” Seth took his seat on the edge of a coffee table farthest from his guest.

  The doctor lowered one hand just enough to point to a small dish of candy corn on the table. “Can I have sssome?” He said. “I’m unarmed. No weapons, no deadly insssects. But I am terribly hungry.”

  Seth nodded. The doctor picked up the dish and tipped it over his mouth.

  “Sssabah is a princess of Egyptica,” Dr. Khyan said after finishing his snack. “She has always preferred life in England and America, but she must now return to her homeland. She has duties to perform in Egyptica and mussst leave immediately. And, she wants you to go with her.” />
  “That’ll piss off Umer,” Seth said.

  “Umer is dead,” the doctor said. “The bite of the Tomb Ssscarab is lethal. Ressst assured, no one else from the Hidden Realm will cross you. You sssee, Egyptica is a domain without a queen. Even though her parents passed away decades ago, Sssabah was denied the throne because she was childless. Egyptica is terribly ssstrict in that regard: a ruling queen mussst be a mother. But now Sssabah is carrying a child. Your child. You shall be the new pharaoh of Egyptica. A pharaoh in name only, but I’m sure you won’t have a problem with that.”

  “I don’t believe your insane little fantasy,” Seth said, moving to the phone, “so I’m going to call the police. You’re probably here to finish the job for Umer. It’s obvious you’ve never met Sabah. Otherwise, you’d know she’s too old to be pregnant.”

  “Please, don’t call anyone.” Dr. Khyan began to remove his coat. “I’m not reaching for a weapon. I have something I need to show you.” He removed his tie and unbuttoned his shirt. A long, puffy scar ran from his neck to his navel. The edges of the scar seemed especially thick, almost lip-like.

  Seth gasped as the scar opened up and Sabah poked out her slime-streaked face.

  Sabah pouted. “Ssseth! Put away that sssilly gun.”

  Seth went to a side table, set down the gun and poured himself a brandy.

  “What were you sssaying about Umer?” Sabah asked, blinking fluids out of her eyes. “Ssseth, did that idiot Umer try to hurt you? That foolish meddler! I will kill him!”

  “Too late. His pet cockroach got him.” Seth downed the drink in one swallow.

  “Could you hand me that can of nuts next to the brandy?” Dr. Khyan asked. Seth handed him the can of cashews and watched as the doctor gobbled down a handful.

  “I believe an explanation is in order,” the doctor said. “Those who come from Egyptica are not like other people. We are a ssseparate race: descendents of cultists from ancient Egypt, who worshipped and mated with the great god Nyarlathotep. We are his children and we worship him ssstill today.”

  “Never heard of him,” Seth said, staring at the Dr. Khyan’s enormous gut. Sabah’s slime-smeared face still protruded from the gash, but her eyes were closed. She appeared to be asleep.

  “Nyarlathotep is an ancient, all-powerful entity,” said the doctor, “and the messenger of the Outer Gods. He has walked the Earth in the form of a man, and has a thousand other forms as well. He obeys only the daemon sssultan Azathoth, who gnaws hungrily in the darkness beyond time and ssspace.”

  Dr. Khyan wolfed down another handful of nuts before continuing. “Nyarlathotep coupled with human companions in the days of ancient Egypt and we are his privileged dessscendents. He has made for us a sssecret world, where we can dwell in comfort and enlightenment. We call that world Egyptica, since it is modeled after ancient Egypt. We also call it the Hidden Realm, since no outsssider has ever been there. When you go there, you will be considered one of usss, since you are the consssort of our queen.”

  Seth gestured toward the gash. “But what about … this? How is this possible?”

  Dr. Khyan smiled. “Our metabolisms – our bodies – are not like those of humans. We are more … flexible. Our life-ssspans are far longer. You think Sssabah is an old woman, but in fact, she is quite young. The ssskin of our people has a wrinkled appearance, ssso we appear to be geriatric. I am Sssabah’s physician. She is having difficulties with this hybrid pregnancy, so I am nurturing her in a way that would be quite imposssible for your kind. Do you have any meat available? I need protein.”

  Seth pointed toward the kitchen door. “Help yourself. You’re lucky, I went shopping this morning.”

  Dr. Khyan hauled his massive body up from the couch and shambled off. He returned a few minutes later with a plate loaded with lunch meat and roast chicken. Sabah’s face still protruded from the gash, but now her eyes were open. The doctor sat at the dining room table and began to feast.

  Seth watched as the bloated physician wolfed down his meal. He ran down his mental list of excuses for ending a relationship. He decided that for once, the truth would have to suffice. “I’m sorry, but this whole situation is just too bizarre. Sabah is a very nice lady, but the two of you scare the shit out of me.”

  The doctor turned his chair toward Seth. Sabah repositioned her head so that her face rested coyly against the folds of the open scar. “Nonsenssse. You’re jussst feeling overwhelmed. You will enjoy being the pharaoh of Egyptica. You will live in sssplendor, with ssservants to sssee to your every need. We only need to talk more….”

  “You know,” Dr. Khyan said, “you might want to gaze upon Egyptica. I can make that posssible. I can do ssso right now, if you like. That would help you to make an intelligent decision. Just take that mirror down from the wall and ssset it upon the table.”

  Seth did as the physician requested. “Going to do some magic for me?”

  “In a way,” the doctor said with a smile. “It’s a type of ancient ssscience unknown to your kind. That’s jussst as good as magic from your point of view.” He slowly passed his hands over the mirror while intoning words in a foreign language. In a moment, Sabah joined him in the ritual, chanting in a low, soft voice.

  Seth stared into the mirror. In its depths, he saw a vortex of green clouds. As the chants continued, the clouds grew thicker and swirled faster. Yellow lightning flashed across this alien sky. Then the clouds parted and he saw a thick jungle with trees and plants of red and bluish-green. Above the jungle, huge pyramids soared through the air with impossible ease. Thick vines tipped with jaws like those of a Venus flytrap weaved through the air, attacking the birds that soared above the forest.

  By this time the chanting had stopped, but the images continued to fill the mirror. “That’s not on Earth…” Seth whispered.

  “No, but it can be reached through temporary transdimensssional passages,” said Dr. Khyan. “We know how to sssummon them.”

  Seth watched as an Egyptian barge floated through the air and docked at one of the pyramids. Humanoid beings with bestial faces disembarked and proceeded into the structure through a golden gateway. The creatures were draped in elaborate robes and wore golden headdresses upon their shaved heads.

  The pyramid soared over the jungle, then across a range of blood-red mountains capped with pale-blue snow and ice. At last it reached a desert where the sand glittered like copper. There he saw a fabulous city with buildings of black stone trimmed with strips of gold. The pyramid lowered to the ground next to the city. A moment later, figures draped in red and yellow silks left the buildings of the city and hurried toward the pyramid. Seth leaned toward the mirror, hoping to see more, but then the green clouds returned, hiding the scene beneath layers of mist and yellow lightning.

  “Would it not be grand, to be part of thisss world?” Sabah said. “You enjoy luxury more than anyone I’ve ever met. Here, your entire life will be one long party without end. I know we can work out sssomething. Perhaps you’d like a few companions of your own kind, to help you to adjussst….”

  - - -

  “Guess what? The captain winked at me.” Missy brought a Manhattan to her sister, who was slumped in a bathrobe in her deck chair, lighting yet another cigarette. “Congratulations, Maggie. You’ve finally perfected the Chain-Smoking Bitch Look. I’ll have to fight my way through legions of drooling men to give you your drink.”

  “Spare me the comedy act.” Maggie blew smoke up toward Missy’s face. “Why did I even bring you on this stupid cruise? That green bikini makes you look like a giant pear.”

  Missy sucked in her stomach. “I’ve lost two pounds this week, so just shut up. You’re just being mean because what’s-his-name dumped you for that skinny old rich gal.”

  “He did not dump me. Both of them are missing persons. Though I suppose they’re dead. Her private plane was lost over the Atlantic. I don’t see how they could’ve survived.”

  “LIfe is so weird.” Missy looked out over the sea. “You
drop your business card in a fishbowl at some restaurant and win a cruise to Bermuda – just two weeks after what’s-his-name disappears off the coast of Florida.”

  Maggie sighed. “His name was Seth.” She found herself thinking about Mrs. Dakhamunzu’s sibilant s. “Sssseth. Sssssseth….”

  In the distance, Missy saw a wall of fog. “Why are you talking like the captain?” she said. “The ship doctor talks that way, too. They’re both a couple of prune-faces. Lots of wrinkled old dudes on this cruise. I hope we meet some cute guys pretty soon.” The swirling vapors appeared to be moving closer. “I think we’re in for some nasty weather. Just look at those green clouds ... and yellow lightning? That’s something you don’t see every day….”

  The Pharaoh Of Pendleton Court

  by Mark McLaughlin

  After Christine applied the Midnight-Blue Metallic, she daubed little spots of Day-Glo Candy Pink onto each nail. So much for the toes. Now to start on the fingers….

  There was a rap on the door, then it opened partway and her brother Chad popped his head into the room. “What’cha doin’?”

  “Piercing my nipples with a spoon, you moron. What’s it look like I’m doing?” She slathered a coat of Voodoo Jungle Green on a thumbnail. “What do you want?”

  “I wanna borrow a bedsheet. One’a your shiny red ones.” He entered, crossed to her hamper, and peeked inside.

  She jumped off the bed and slapped the hamper shut. “Keep your face out of my laundry, you little perv.”

  Chad pouted and kicked the wall. “We’re playin’ Egyptian Gods of Death over on Pendleton Court again and I need a real fancy robe. I get to be the High Priest this time.”

  Christine raised a dark purple eyebrow. “How come you’re never the King?”