The Numbers Game

by Frances Vidakovic

  Fifteen minutes later, somewhere in between unpacking and eyeing Jasper admiringly, Serena stepped outside the shower and almost had a heart attack.

  “Oh gosh I think I love him,” she muttered disbelievingly to her inner self. “Hell I think I have already fallen in love!”

  Now to the outside world, this may have been a rather an obvious observation but to Serena, who less than one month ago had been playing the part of a stupefying happy housewife, it was shock in the major degree. She had never used the word love lightly, nor had she this time. Such was her welcome to the greatest nightmare come true: Being in Love with Two Men at the Same Time.

  In case one has never made a trip to Yosemite themselves, a typical day plan for visitors to this gorgeous escape usually looked like this:

  Begin the day by spending at least thirty minutes deciding which awe-inspiring, mind-boggling beautiful leisurely walk one should partake on today.

  Note this was not an easy decision to make, given that there were about a thousand different trails spread across Yosemite like an intricate spider web. Despite lots of talk about wanting to tackle the more obscure parts of the wilderness, visitors typically opted for the tried and true alternative: Vernal Fall Bridge, El Capitan, Nevada Falls, Merced River or the Half Dome.

  Embark on the walk and quickly realize how crazy the idea was.

  It didn’t take Serena long at all to realize there was actually nothing mildly leisurely about a four to eight mile walk UPHILL. Actually she grasped this insight before she even left but by the time she voiced it they had gone too far to return. Despite the chill in the air, she got very sweaty and seriously wished she could kill the mountain for been constructed at a perfect 45 degree angle. Even promises from Jasper that ‘it would be way, way easier on the way back’ did little to concert her.

  Once back on the mainland, food usually takes precedence over showering for the first time ever…

  When Serena said she could eat a horse after all those hours of walking she was almost serious. She was positively starving!

  “Please point me in the right direction before I collapse,” she begged Jasper.

  “Curry Village Restaurant,” Jasper suggested, because according to the brochure it was not only cheap but covered all the hot food one could eat. Which was pretty much equivalent to a horse.

  This time Serena took her time deciding what food option to go for (seeing as hastiness was what got her into trouble with the hiking). Would it be mashed potatoes and gravy, macaroni and cheese or spaghetti with meatballs? Or there was also the “South of the Border” section to consider – she could either make up her own burritos and tacos or explore the Asian delights like egg rolls and rice. Just as long as she left some room in her tummy for dessert (and my, my, what a glorious selection there was on offer!) then she would be very satisfied at the end.

  The only problem was she couldn’t decide. So instead Serena made the biggest mistake of all and chose to try absolutely everything. She piled her plate with a few different options and then went back for more when her plate was clear.

  “Are you okay?” Jasper asked, glaring at her full plate after her fourth trip back to the counter.

  “I haven’t had All You Can Eat for a very long time,” she replied defensively, ‘it would be a waste not to sample the full menu.”

  “If you say so,” Jasper smiled which was so not fair because in that smile was a knowingness of what lay ahead.

  After dinner, patrons usually retreat straight back to their tens or cabins as Quiet Time officially begins at 10pm.

  “Argghh,” Serena moaned, as they waddled their way back to their room. Well, Serena waddled, while clutching what looked like a rather pregnant stomach; Jasper on the other hand moved like a lithe jaguar.

  “You should have warned me,” she cried.

  “But you were hungry enough to eat a horse,” Jasper grinned, “No horse on the menu so I assumed eating everything else would be a good substitute. And you have to keep it down with the moaning. Its Quiet time until six a.m. Unless it’s another type of moaning you have in mind”.

  But Serena was in no mood for sexy time. Her stomach cramped like a wrench, her legs felt like bricks and the only thing she wanted to do was fall into bed and hopefully score a nice massage to ease her off into Dreamland.

  Something happened during the night which caused Serena to lose all consciousness of the pain that had accumulated during the day before. Well almost all…When she awoke the next morning to find Jasper gazing at the hiking map, rather than wanting to scream and duck back under the covers, she found herself devising a secret plan.

  She really had an alternative agenda. After falling into the long hiking trap on the first day Serena declared, “I refuse to trample across any more miles of timberland, in the bitter cold, when we’ve spent good money for a fireplace and bath.” Lots of cuddling and sex-induced snuggling was what she had in mind for today.

  The only thing Serena hadn’t counted on was how dead-set Jasper seemed to be on doing some more exploring.

  “Sorry did you say something,” Jasper said, lifting his head up from what could have posed as a National Geographic magazine. Serena bent in to have a look at the brochure and almost lost her breath over how truly breathtaking the pictures were.

  “Inspiration Falls…I was thinking we could go there today?” Jasper suggested, tilting the brochure her way, “It’s apparently fantastic if you don’t mind the long drive.”

  “Drive?”

  Drive! It was as if it were a magic word.

  “Of course I don’t mind a drive,” Serena replied, too overjoyed for words.

  “From there we can visit Glacier Falls,” Jasper went on. “They say you have to see it to believe it.”

  “Is that the plan then?” Serena still could not believe that doing something touristy here could involve petrol rather than human energy. “Let’s go then,” she said, jumping out of bed and reaching for her sneakers. She started getting dressed before Jasper could change his mind. Exploring was actually great idea, the best way to get over the frightening new knowledge that she was in love with two boys. Maybe if she ignored it, it would go away… or at the very least politely solve itself. “We want to get back before sunset, right?”

  “Well, before Quiet time at the very least. So we can make a bit of noise while it’s still acceptable,” Jasper grinned.

  So that was how the couple spent their next day at Yosemite. To visitors, Inspiration Point was THE place to take pictures. Just off Highway 41 on the way to Glacier Point, it gave a person an incredible panoramic view of Yosemite Valley and the whole park. Words could not do it enough justice. One could attempt to imagine the mammoth prehistoric mountains jutting out at all angles, one could try to envisage green openness as far and wide as the eye can see…but like sex, understanding the logistics and seeing a few pictures and videos were simply not the same as the real thing.

  To be honest back at the cabin site Serena had no idea how colossal Yosemite was in size. She was impressed with what little she had seen when in actual fact they were sitting on just one hair follicle on Yosemite’s giant ear. Here was a place where horse, mule, burro and llama riding were all permitted, which of course meant such animals were gallivanting about somewhere in the park. Flanked by the Nevada mountain ranges, Yosemite was abundant nature at its extravagant best and despite threats that the countless waterfalls would be dry at this time of the year Serena could hear the glorious sound of the falls gently roaring.

  She could have spent all day there. In fact they almost did spend the entire day there, chatting, laughing, sharing stories, watching the hours slip away. Making their way up to Glacier Point afterwards was also an exciting event and so easy – no long distance walking involved! There they found the best and most accessible high-elevation viewpoint in the Sierra Nevada range and to get there, the couple simply took the paved 16-mile road that forked west from CA 41 at Chinquapin Junction. By then dusk was fall
ing and a soft haze hung over the valley, softening the grandeur scene.

  “Oh my holiness,” Serena gasped, bringing her palm to her mouth.

  She had been doing a lot of that today.

  Before her was the most stupendous vista that stretched out for miles north and east, over forests and meadows, cliffs and soaring domes, and across the many taller mountains in the distant wilderness areas of the National Park. It made Inspiration Point look like a cupcake.

  A few meters from Jasper’s right stood an official guide speaking to a group of Japanese tourists.

  “If you look down,” the pointy woman said and many of the Japanese tourists did look and nearly fainted,” you will note that the valley is a 3200 foot drop below. To your left Vernal and Nevada Falls are clearly visible, along the course of Little Yosemite Valley.” (Though clearly there was nothing little about it.) “And just opposite are Upper and Lower Yosemite Falls which cascade 2400 feet down the sheer cliffs. If you look a bit closer, you can actually see far beneath cars and even people, moving slowly along.”

  Oh so that’s what all those ant-like looking things were.

  Serena leant forward and stuck her head out past the railing, letting the wind play pick-me-up games with her hair. So this was why Jasper became an artist, she thought to herself. The sight before her made her want to rush out and buy her own canvas and large selection of oil paints. She wasn’t sure how well she could capture the depth and contour of the valley but she would sure as hell like to try.

  “Do you like it?” Jasper asked her, circling his strong arms around Serena’s waist. “Was it worth the three hour round trip in the car?”

  “Yes it certainly was,” Serena smiled.

  For only now did she know and recognize beauty in all forms.

  From the way their trip at Yosemite started – as an array of beauty, sweat, wonder and bliss – not even the tabloids could’ve predicted the ending that was to come. Serena sure as hell didn’t see it coming.

  Their Saturday continued just as one would expect from a pair of young lovers – a delicious dinner at a nice restaurant (far, far away from the all you can eat buffet because NOTHING in this world came for free). Serena feasted on delicious, exotic fruit like paw paw and melons which melted like syrup in her mouth, while Jasper took the traditional fettuccine boscaiola. Serena didn’t even mind; she actually enjoyed the whiff of fatty bacon and mushrooms while munching on rations because it reminded her of how much control she had.

  Afterwards they retreated back to their cabin for some energy-burning and because Serena was so keen to burn off some more calories after the horrendous binge she had endured the night before Serena suggested going for a quick bike ride too.

  “Come on, we’re leaving tomorrow so who knows when we’ll get another chance.”

  So Serena and Jasper wandered over to Yosemite Falls Rent-A-Bike section and immediately hired out two red bikes for an hour, despite the coming nightfall. It had been years since Serena had rode a bike but she managed well, avoiding pedestrians on the tracks as successfully as when driving bumper cars. In her bike’s basket she also wisely placed a bottle of pre-corked white wine just in case she got thirsty and on the rare occasions Serena got tired, she would simply stop mid-track, lean the cycle against a fat tree and take a long slug of wine. That seemed to do the trick.

  By the time they made it back to base, Serena and Jasper were ready to collapse. But as fate would have it, they bumped into some Yosemite happy-happy-joy-joy employee who encouraged them to visit the Nature Centre.

  “If you’re leaving tonight, you have it see it now,” the man insisted, adjusting his bifocals. “Come with me, I’m going that way.”

  “Okay,” the two shrugged, because when one is on a holiday they are up for anything.

  Serena held this same man fully responsible for what followed next.

  Inside the Nature Centre, there were plenty of informative exhibits on displays. Some, the ones Serena focused on, were coincidentally to do with how different animals such as bears identified their “turf” and how it was not wise to follow the trail of a fresh pile of “dung” as it meant that the bear was very near. Serena wasn’t sure what sort of lunatic would go and follow sloppy poo so she left Jasper to his own devices and visited the attached gift shop.

  She hadn’t as yet bought any souvenirs seeing as she wasn’t a souvenir sort of girl but she did ask the salesgirl where she could get some lip-gloss because her lips were completely dried out from the dehydrating wind. It hurt just to rub her parched lips together and if they didn’t get a generous dose of moisture soon, she’d have no choice but to pull the hard bits off and start growing new lips all over again.

  “The convenience store isn’t too far and it doesn’t close for another half hour,” the sales girl informed her and upon getting directions, she went that way, purchased a fresh pot of strawberry gloss and then waited outside the Nature Centre for Jasper to get over his fascination. By the time he finally got out, it was late and her brand new pot of lip gloss was almost empty.

  “I cannot wait to get into bed tonight,” Serena sighed on the walk back to the cabin.

  They’d dropped the bikes off and she’d stopped at the car to pull out the latest issue of Cosmopolitan…the only thing that bothered her was that she’d left her new gloss pot on the dashboard but that given her lips were swimming in shine maybe they would be okay until tomorrow.

  If only she knew what was coming…

  They warn you a lot about the bears here at Yosemite. When you arrive at the park you receive a flyer and when you stay the night the advice they give you is even more thorough. There were even signs in the accommodation to get through to those more thick-headed. Of course Serena had ignored most of this advice when she discovered on day one that black bears didn’t walk about in the car park like she expected them to. Sure, she refrained from going on walkabouts late at night: the distant unfamiliar sounds coming from the mountains were definitely of wild foxes, coyotes and bears going to an Animal Discothèque. But distant was the key word here, to Serena her immediate surroundings were safe, the chances of something going wrong impossible.

  That is, those were her thoughts until she heard Jasper’s screams on Sunday morning.

  “Oh feck. Oh feck feck feck.” These were the shrieks Serena awoke to, of someone who had surely encountered a few problems on the way to buying the newspaper.

  She jumped up, and raced outside, without even thinking to fling something over her flimsy nightdress. Jasper’s cries had struck that indefinable chord within that made her focus laser-sharp. Find out what’s wrong with Jasper; find out what’s wrong with Jasper: like a mother tuned to her baby’s tears, a hundred of the worst possibilities rushed through Serena’s mind. He’s been hit by a car, some madman has shot him, or maybe the happy-happy-joy-joy employee was trying to drag him away on a deadly-boring hike. After running through all the nastiest scenarios, Serena was surprised to find Jasper outside in one piece.

  But his car was in a thousand.

  “What in the world happened?” Serena squealed, once she made it to the car. Or what used to be the car. The windscreen was completely smashed and the passenger door looked as if someone with big claws had been trying to tear it off.

  “Someone with big claws was trying to tear off your door Serena. Do you have any reason why?”

  Jasper looked at her with disappointed questioning eyes.

  “No,” Serena replied, shocked that he could even ask such a question. What made Jasper think she was in some way responsible for this mess?

  “Well young lady,” a ranger said, stepping forward. He was holding a spiral notebook and pen with tricolors in his hand. “As you may or may not be aware there have been sixty seven cars wrecked so far this year at Yosemite and all were due to people not listening to the advice given to them.”

  “Advice? What are you talking about?” Serena said. As far as she could tell, she’d done nothing wrong. She had u
sed all the special lockers in the park to store her luggage, however inconvenient. She kept the car and cabin as food-free as possible.

  “Macie over at the Nature Centre said you bought some lip gloss yesterday. Is that true?”

  “Yes…” Serena replied slowly. Not that anyone could really tell, her lips still resembled snowflakes.

  “Would you mind telling me where that tube of lip gloss is now, young lady?”

  “Look it wasn’t a tube,” Serena bit back. She was getting quickly pissed off at this young lady routine seeing as she was almost thirty. And what was the story with Macie dibbing behind her back?

  Serena went into the cabin and returned outside with no replacement gloss but Jasper’s black knitted sweater covering her hopelessly shrugged shoulders. “I’m sorry; I don’t know where it is. I must have left it in the car or something.”

  “Aha!” The ranger bellowed, rapping the notebook across his palm. “Just what I thought; once again carelessness has lured a black bear into an incident. What were you thinking, young lady?”

  “Hang on,” Serena said, interrupting the ranger’s chuckling, “Lip gloss? You’re trying to tell me that a bear broke into Jasper’s car because it smelt lip gloss?”

  Um…that was strawberry lip-gloss to be more specific but Serena didn’t want to go into specifics now.

  “Listen dear,” the ranger sighed,” if you took the time to read our guide you would have learnt that bears are attracted to anything sweet smelling. This includes sunscreen, cosmetics and lip gloss.” He stressed the last word.

  It was all sounding vaguely familiar.

  “Oh.” Serena bowed her head. She was in deep trouble.

  “What do we do now?” she asked, looking at the car wreck. There was no way they could possibly drive all the way home in that hunk-of-junk. Jasper was going to kill her.

  “For now young lady you’ve caused enough trouble. Just go back inside and keep yourself warm while me and your boy sort through the details.”