Full-Time Father

by Susan Mallery

  He’d told her this part. “When Robin was your lab partner.”

  “Yeah. We were nerds together.”

  It was funny, but over the past week or so, his talking about Robin had ceased to bother her. Erin wasn’t sure why. His voice changed when he mentioned his late wife. She knew he loved her and would always love her. But Robin was gone and she’d figured out that because Parker was faithful enough to continue to mourn her, he was the kind of person she wanted to know.

  “I can’t picture you being a nerd,” she said. “You’re too good-looking.”

  He glanced at her and raised his eyebrows. “You think I’m good-looking?”

  She rolled her eyes, then realized that’s where Christie had picked up the habit. “Stop fishing for a compliment.” She leaned close to him and gently bumped him with her shoulder. “You’ve done great. If your parents don’t want to acknowledge that, it’s their loss.”

  “I tell myself that. When we first hit it big, I sent them a check for fifty thousand dollars. I thought they could fix up the house, or sell it and move somewhere else. Maybe buy a car. I was willing to give them anything they wanted.”

  “What happened?”

  “Nothing. They didn’t move, they didn’t even get new carpeting. My mother barely mentioned receiving the check. I know they got it because it cleared the bank, but the last time I visited them, everything was the same, right down to the peeling linoleum in the kitchen.”

  “How sad for them and you,” she murmured.

  He placed his hand on the back of her head and drew her close to him. She rested her forehead against his chest. The contact wasn’t sexual. She sensed he wanted comfort and connection. She was pleased to offer both.

  “Some people are afraid of living,” he said. “There’s nothing I can do about that.”

  His words echoed in her brain. Some people are afraid of living. You’re going to die before you get your turn. Different voices, different sentences, same sentiment. Parker’s parents hid from life. Is that what she was doing? Was she like them, living an empty existence, so mired in unhappiness that the thought of moving on was more than she could imagine?

  She didn’t want to believe that. She wasn’t unhappy. She had her job. It wasn’t her dream or even close to perfect, but it wasn’t horrible. Then there was Christie. The little girl was the most precious gift she’d ever received. Christie was alive. But was she the only one?

  “What are you thinking?” Parker asked. He placed his finger under her chin and forced her to look at him. “Did I say something to upset you?”

  “Why do you ask?”

  “You’ve gone all stiff.”

  She sighed. “I was just thinking about what you said and wondering if I’m like your parents.”

  He smiled. “Trust me, you’re nothing like them.”

  “Don’t be so quick to say that.” She placed her hands on his waist. His presence warmed and comforted her. “Do you remember when we went down to the beach a couple of weeks ago? It was right after the storm.”

  “Yes.”

  “I brought my camera and told you about my dream of being a professional photographer. You asked me why I wasn’t doing what I wanted to do.”

  “You told me it was because you didn’t get to study in graduate school.”

  She nodded. “And you pointed out that I didn’t need a degree to take pictures.”

  “I had no right to say that.”

  “Didn’t you? I’m not so sure. You made an excellent point. I’ve been thinking about it ever since. Why do I need a degree to take pictures? I own a camera. I can afford film.”

  He placed his hands on her shoulders. “You’ll take pictures when you’re ready.”

  “When I quit being afraid, you mean. I know that’s what this is about.”

  She started to turn away, but he held her in place. “Erin, you’re the bravest person I know. You’ve raised Christie on your own and you’ve done a damn fine job.”

  “Thanks. But that wasn’t about being brave.”

  “Weren’t you scared doing it on your own?”

  “Sure. I was terrified. But I didn’t have a choice.”

  “You could have given her up for adoption.”

  “No. Never. I loved her from the moment I knew she was alive.”

  “So you were scared, but you did it anyway. That’s what being brave means.”

  “It makes sense when you say it,” she mumbled, turning away in embarrassment. This time he let her go. She walked to the small table and pulled out one of the chairs. Parker followed her and took the one opposite. They sat in the darkness and gazed up at the stars.

  “It’s a beautiful night,” she said. “And warm. That’s a nice change.” She rubbed her bare arms. Like Parker, she was wearing a shirt and shorts.

  “Do you ever think about Stacey?” he asked.

  She glanced at him. He was still looking at the sky. “Yes.”

  “Often?”

  “I think of her more now than I used to. Probably because I’m here with you. At first I missed her terribly. We’d been attending separate colleges, but I still felt connected to her. I suppose it’s a twin thing. I just knew she was there and that I could count on her. Then when she was gone, it was as if someone had ripped out a piece of heart.” She paused. “That sounds so melodramatic.”

  “It sounds honest,” he said. He placed his hands flat on the table between them. “I’m sorry she’s gone, Erin, and about what you had to go through. I know it doesn’t change the past, but I want you to know that I take full responsibility for what happened that summer. I accept the blame for Stacey’s death.”

  She stared at him. What was he talking about? “You had nothing to do with it.”

  “You weren’t here that morning, Erin. You don’t know what I said to her.”

  “Words don’t kill someone.”

  “They can take away a reason for living.”

  He was telling the truth as he saw it, she realized, stunned that he blamed himself for Stacey’s death. Why? “Even if you had destroyed her emotionally, it’s not as if she left here and drove her car off a cliff. She lived for several more months.”

  “Nine,” he said grimly. “Nine months carrying a child she knew I wouldn’t want. Nine months of keeping secrets from the one person she loved in the world. You.”

  His pain swept over and around her. She ached for him, and for Stacey.

  He drew in a deep breath. “I was drunk the night she came to me. Several students had taken a break and headed into town, but Stacey stayed here.”

  Erin realized he was going to tell her what had happened that night. She wasn’t sure she wanted to hear the details, but she couldn’t think of a way to stop him from talking.

  “I knew she had a crush on me, but I couldn’t get past the grief enough to figure out what to do. I should have sent her away. Or turned her down.” He leaned forward. “I swear, Erin, I didn’t plan to be with her that night. Then she was here offering herself, and I figured I could use her to forget the pain.” He laughed harshly and without humor.

  Erin moved her hands to her lap so he couldn’t see she was shaking. Emotion built up inside her. Concern for Parker, regret and empathy for Stacey, confusion for herself. His story made her ache for what had happened. It also made her think about loving Parker and the forbidden fantasy was powerful in its intensity.

  “I used her,” he said. “But it didn’t help. The next morning I knew I’d betrayed Robin’s memory and that some connection between us had been severed. I was enraged, both at myself for my weakness and at Stacey for daring to be alive.”

  He leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes. “She tried to hold me and tell me she loved me. I told her she was a child. She didn’t know what real love was. While she lay there, naked in my bed, I stripped her soul bare and ridiculed her. I told her about how Robin and I had met and what we’d meant to each other. I deliberately made Stacy feel foolish and used.”

/>   He pushed the chair away abruptly and walked to the edge of the terrace. Erin watched him go. She thought about the letter of apology Stacey had written to Parker. She remembered the haunted sadness in her sister’s eyes when she’d come home at the end of that summer. Parker’s truth came from self-loathing. Stacey’s truth came from her infatuation. Erin suspected the real truth about what had really happened that morning lay somewhere in the middle.

  She stood up and moved toward him. She could feel his tension. Cautiously she put her hand on his back. He stiffened but didn’t pull away.

  “I’ve read my sister’s diary,” she said. “I know what you did was wrong, but she was wrong, too. From the moment she saw you, she was determined to see you the way she wanted to.”

  “The dark prince,” he muttered. “Some prince.”

  “She created a dream based on her past and what she’d always wanted. You had nothing to do with that. You have to see she manipulated the situation so she could get what she wanted. I’m not saying you weren’t at fault, too. She was young, you should have known better. But Stacey was just as wrong. She wasn’t willing to admit that you were still in love with your wife. She only cared about her dream. She hurt you, Parker, and she finally figured it out. Don’t you remember? That’s why she apologized in the letter.”

  “You don’t understand.”

  “Of course I do. Stacey was my sister. I knew her better than anyone.”

  “I destroyed her.”

  “What about what she did to you?” she asked.

  He was silent for a long time. Erin kept her hand on his back hoping the physical connection would comfort him. She ached for both of them. For the young woman her sister had been, for the grief-stricken husband Parker had been. They’d both needed something. If the circumstances had been different, perhaps they could have found it together. Or maybe their odd relationship had been destined for tragedy from the beginning.

  “You’re very generous,” he said. “What I did was wrong.”

  “Yes, but I refuse to believe that a single conversation could destroy Stacey. She was stronger than that.”

  He spun toward her. “Then why did she die? You don’t know, do you? I do. She died for the same reason Robin did. Stacey died because she’d lost the will to live.”

  “Oh, Parker, you’ve got to let this go.” Erin took a step closer and wrapped her arms around his waist. “It wasn’t like that. Stacey was doing fine. She finished her classes at college. She even got good grades. Does that sound like someone who has lost the will to live? She died because there was a complication in the pregnancy. It was a one in a million chance that something could go wrong.” She tilted her head back and stared at him. “She had a beautiful baby she wanted to live for. She’d seen Christie. How could she see her child and still want to die?”

  Their gazes locked. She could see the war being waged in his eyes. Would her words be enough to defeat years of blaming himself?

  “It’s all there in the letter I gave you. The one Stacey wrote. She apologized, Parker. She knew she’d been wrong. And she said that she wasn’t sure whether or not to tell you about the baby. She planned to make a decision after Christie was born. Those aren’t the words of someone who wants to die. She had a future, something to live for. She had me. She knew I would support her, no matter what.”

  “You don’t know how much I want to believe you,” he said hoarsely.

  “Then do. I have no reason to lie about this. I loved my sister with all my heart. She was brilliant and funny and the best friend I ever had. I’ll always miss her. But I know her, Parker. I know her dreams and I know what happened to her that summer. She lost her head. So accept your part of the blame, but don’t take it all on yourself. Leave some for the rest of us.”

  “Are you sure?”

  Her heart ached for him. “Of course I’m sure. Obviously it’s the destiny of the Ridgeway women to have a serious crush on you. We’re just going to have to learn how to handle it better.”

  She spoke without thinking. As the meaning of the words sunk in, Erin wanted to call them back. But it was too late. She stepped away from Parker, then turned her back on him. Oh, Lord, why couldn’t she think before speaking?

  She could feel the flush of embarrassment climbing her cheeks. At least it was dark and he wouldn’t be able to see. She pressed her hands against her face.

  “What I meant was-” she muttered in a strangled voice, then realized she didn’t have a quick line to make it all sound right.

  “Erin?”

  She cleared her throat. “I think it’s time for me to make my escape.”

  Before she could leave, he grabbed her arm and turned her toward him. His gaze searched her face. “Erin?”

  Okay, there was no easy way out of this. She would survive the moment. To the best of her knowledge, no one had actually ever died of embarrassment.

  She stared at the open collar of his polo shirt. “Look, it’s no big deal. Really. It’s just the stress of the situation, and being here. You’ve been nice to Christie and me. You know, I am a single mother. I don’t get out much. Socially, I mean.”

  She was babbling.

  He touched a finger to her chin, forcing her to look at his face. His eyes were bright with an emotion she couldn’t read. His mouth curved up at the corners.

  “Stop looking at me like that,” she said.

  “Like what?”

  “Like I’m Christie, and I’ve just given you a dopey looking drawing.”

  “You’re nothing like Christie.”

  Was that good or bad? “This doesn’t change anything. I’m not Stacey. I’m not going to get you drunk and seduce you.”

  “Too bad.”

  “What?”

  He moved a little closer. The finger touching her jaw slid up and caressed her cheek. The sound of the ocean faded to a dull roar.

  “Parker, you’re not listening to me. I’ll admit that I sort of fell for you while I was reading Stacey’s diary. I mean she made you sound terrific and I thought…well, I’m not sure what I thought. Anyway, then I got here and you were good-looking and sweet to Christie and I like to think any woman in my position would have reacted the same way. But it’s not a problem.”

  “You’re talking too much.”

  “Huh?” His finger brushed against her skin, moving back and forth. He was making it difficult to think. “I’m saying I can control my feelings. This doesn’t have to change anything. You don’t have to worry about me.”

  “I’m not worried.”

  With that he dipped his head lower and brushed his mouth against hers.

  Like a lit match touching dry tinder, fire exploded inside her. Instinctively she clung to him. He wrapped his arms around her waist and hauled her hard against him. His tongue swept against her lips. She parted for him, seeking him as he entered, shivering when he began to explore her mouth.

  She was ablaze with heat and long-denied need. She wanted him. All of him. So it took every ounce of willpower to pull back.

  “You don’t have to do this,” she said, her voice trembling. “I don’t want you to kiss me because you feel sorry for me.”

  He laughed. “Erin, do you remember the last time I kissed you?”

  She nodded.

  “I told you then I was concerned that my attraction to you was making you uncomfortable.”

  “I thought you were kidding,” she whispered.

  “Fool,” he said gently, then pressed his lips to her forehead. “I didn’t want to scare you off. And I didn’t want you to think I was using sex to keep Christie.”

  “You’d never do that.”

  “I know that. I didn’t know if you did. There’s something powerful between us. Maybe it’s time we stopped resisting and went along for the ride.”

  She wasn’t sure. This could be an elaborate trick to make her feel better about mentioning the crush. Then he pressed his hips against hers and she felt the hard ridge of his desire. That part would be di
fficult to fake. Okay, he did want her. Now what?

  “I’m not Stacey,” she said, voicing the fear she didn’t want to admit she had.

  “I know, Erin.” He cupped her face in his hands. “You’re afraid I just want to relive the past.”

  “Maybe.”

  “The only thing I remember about that night is that I wanted to get so lost, the pain couldn’t find me anymore. This isn’t about that. This is about you and me and how much I want you in my bed. No ghosts this time.”

  She believed him. Maybe because she wanted to. A thousand questions filled her mind, but she ignored them. She ignored everything but the man in front of her. If she trusted him with her child, then surely she could trust him with her body. She raised herself on her toes and pressed her mouth to his.

  Chapter Eleven

  She was soft and sweet as she pressed against him. Parker felt his body harden more as she leaned into their kiss. In the past five years he’d been aroused on occasion. There were mornings he awoke with the lingering physical evidence of an erotic dream. A cold shower quickly diluted his need. But not this time. He could feel heat burning away the barriers he’d constructed. This time there was no turning back.

  He broke their kiss and wrapped his arm around her shoulders. “I think we need some privacy,” he said.

  “What?” She glanced around the terrace, then smiled sheepishly. “Oh, we’re outside. I’d forgotten.”

  “Good.”

  As they crossed to the stairs, she looked at him. “Parker, are you sure?”

  “I haven’t been as sure of anything in a long time.”

  “I’m a little nervous.”

  “Because of everything in the past?” He wanted to reassure her. She was the only woman he was thinking about. Briefly he wondered if that was wrong. Should he still be caught up in the grief of his wife’s passing? Then he decided he didn’t want to have to think about that right now. Tonight he wanted to feel alive. In Erin’s arms, in her body, he could find life again. He could see the colors and do away with the dull gray of his world.