The Long Way Home

by K. Langston

  “Relax, Syl.” The endearment rolls off his lips like a balm, soothing me instantly.

  But then the damn thing starts moving again.

  I hold my breath as he continues to talk, offering encouragement as we steadily climb. I try to listen to his voice, get lost in the gentle tone, but the further we climb, the more frightened I become. I close my eyes, refusing to look down or anywhere for that matter.

  His hand squeezes mine.

  He hasn’t let go of it since he told me we were doing this.

  “Just breathe. You’re doin’ great.”

  “I wanna get off, Linc. Please,” I whisper, my body trembling with fear. My belly dips as the Ferris wheel begins to fully rotate.

  “Look at me.”

  I shake my head. There’s no way I can open my eyes. If I do, I will hurl for sure.

  “Sylvie, look at me,” he demands.

  His fingers find my chin as he turns my face toward his. I keep my eyes mashed tight, terror crippling my mind and making me nauseous. All I can think about is falling or being flung off this thing and hurdling toward imminent death.

  But then I hear his voice again, penetrating the haze of my anxiety and fear. It starts out low and builds. I have no choice but to pry my eyes open.

  It’s the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard.

  Linc’s voice began to change earlier in the year. It’s always been deep with a unique rasp to it, but as more time passed, the inevitable awkwardness that came with puberty had started to wane. Now, his voice sounds more solid and deeper than I’ve ever heard before. The words coming from his mouth are all too familiar. I recognize them instantly.

  One of my favorite songs.

  This is the first time I’ve ever heard Linc sing. I know he loves to play guitar with his dad, and has even played for me a couple of times. He’s really good, especially for a beginner, but I had no idea he could sing, too.

  Now here he is, singing to me, and it not only calms my uncertainty and makes me forget how high up we are but it also has me completely captivated.

  “I didn’t know you could sing,” I say, in awe of him.

  His voice is truly beautiful.

  He shrugs, his cheeks flaming red. “Whoa… Linc Matthews, are you blushing?”

  “I’ve never sang to anyone before,” he admits, and a surge of pride swells in my chest, grateful that I’m the first person he’s shared his talent with.

  “You’re really good.”

  “Nah.”

  “No, I mean it.” I sigh. “You’re amazing.”

  “Thanks. Worked, didn’t it?” He nods over my shoulder, and for the first time, I feel brave enough to look.

  We’re stopped at the top again. I can see the entire county fair below. We are at least a hundred feet in the air, but there is no more fear. No more anxiety. He’s taken it all away with nothing more than his hand wrapped around mine and the sound of his extraordinary voice.

  He presses his lips against my forehead. Something he started doing more often lately. Part of me wonders if he means more by it, but the other part knows crossing that line could ruin our friendship, and I would never be willing to take that risk.

  “See, I knew you could do it,” he says.

  I throw my arms around his neck, hugging him tight. “Thank you.”

  I still can’t believe I did it. With him, I overcame one of my greatest fears, and he revealed to me a part of himself no one else knows about.

  It goes down as one of the best nights of my life.

  Past

  My feet dangle from the bed of Linc’s pickup, parked near the railroad tracks. We spend almost every Saturday night here. Usually we come with Rachel and Will but tonight it’s just the two of us.

  “What are your plans after we graduate? Do you ever think about that?” Linc asks, looking up into the star-filled sky.

  “Yeah, I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. It feels like my parents are constantly on my ass now, and I just don’t know. There was a time when I thought I wanted to be a nurse. I love to help people, but I don’t think I can ever get over my fear of needles.”

  “I bet I could help you,” he says, nudging my shoulder with his.

  “I’m pretty sure that’s one thing you can’t help me overcome, Linc. And if you even think about tryin’ I’ll do some serious damage to your junk.”

  He winces, cupping himself. “Calm down, girl, no need for violence.”

  We both laugh, filling the silent night with the comforting sound. Our friendship is effortless. There is never anything we can’t talk about, even the scary stuff.

  “I don’t know. My parents want me to go to college, but I have no idea what I wanna do. I’d love to travel. See the world.”

  “Me too,” he agrees, staring off into the distance.

  “What do you wanna do?”

  He shrugs but I can see that determination glimmering in his green eyes as he looks up into the darkened night. “I wanna write music. Sing. I don’t know. It’s a long shot but it’s what makes me happy. My dad wants me to join the Marines. He says there’s stability and discipline there.” Linc scoffs. “He thinks I need more discipline.”

  I try to stifle a giggle but it sneaks out anyway. I can’t imagine Linc in the Marines. He has a hard enough time following instructions in school. He just seems to always find his own way of doing things. It drives the teachers nuts but they all adore him.

  Hell, everyone does.

  Linc is an only child so he gets away with a lot at home, too. His father is a sergeant in the Marines and is deployed ninety percent of the time, leaving his mother at home to enforce the rules, but Gwynn can be a big pushover when it comes to her son.

  In her eyes, this boy can do no wrong.

  “What’s so funny?”

  “I’m just trying to imagine you with a buzz cut,” I say, running my hand over his head. “And taking orders from someone else.”

  He playfully swats my thigh. “Smart-ass.”

  “Have you told your dad you don’t wanna join?”

  “Yeah, but he won’t listen. He thinks music is a hobby, not a career. I think he’s just pissed he never went for it.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “My mom told me that he was in a band once. When they first met. It was a hillbilly rock band and they were really good. She even showed me pictures and some old videos. She told me they could’ve been huge. Even had a record label offer them a deal but he turned it down.”

  “Why?”

  “They got pregnant with me. Changed everything.”

  “That sucks.”

  “Gee, thanks.”

  “You know what I mean.” I nudge his shoulder. “I cannot picture your dad in a hillbilly rock band, that’s for sure. He’s always so serious.”

  “I know. He was such a badass, too. I tried to ask him about it once but he refused to talk about it. The only thing he’d say was he never regretted his decision. But I’m not so sure he’s telling the truth. He’s like a completely different man with a guitar in his hands.”

  “Well, maybe he can live that dream through you.”

  He’s not convinced. “Maybe.”

  “I believe in you, Linc. I think you could go all the way. Your voice and the way you sing some of those songs…it’s breathtaking.”

  Ever since the first time he sang to me on the Ferris wheel, I’ve become his biggest fan. He is modest about his talent and still only shares it with me. I don’t think he believes in himself as much as I believe in him, which is crazy to me because Linc is confident about pretty much everything.

  “You’re my best friend, you’re supposed to say that.”

  “Do you really think I’d blow smoke up your ass?”

  He lifts a brow, a gift apparently, considering I’ve tried countless times to execute the move and can never do it. “I don’t know…would ya?” he asks.

  I punch his arm. “Lincoln Cole Matthews, you should know me better than tha
t.”

  “I know you wouldn’t. You’re the most honest person I know.” Then his eyes flash with excitement. “Oh shit, I’ve got it,” he says, hopping down from the tailgate to stand in front of me, placing his hands on my knees. “Let’s move to Nashville after graduation. I can work on my music, and you can find a job, I don’t know, somewhere cool. We can be roommates. Maybe save some money and travel. We can go anywhere we want.”

  He’s grinning from ear to ear but his words are completely sincere. Thinking of the possibilities makes me giddy inside.

  “You’re serious?”

  “Hell yes, I’m serious. I want us to stay close. Just like this. I don’t ever wanna lose what we have. I don’t ever wanna lose you.”

  My heart flutters in my chest, his words burrowing themselves deep within my soul. “You’ll never lose me. I’ll always be here for you, Linc. You know that.”

  The thought of not seeing him every day saddens me deeply. I can’t remember a time when he hasn’t been a part of my life, and I don’t ever want to consider what it would be like without him.

  “I know, it’s just…” He steps away, shoving his hands into the front of his jeans. “Never mind. It’s a stupid idea anyway.”

  I remain silent for a moment, contemplating what he’s asking. We have another two years before we graduate. A lot can change between now and then but this is obviously something he wants. Whether I end up going or not, I’m not going to be the one to destroy his dream.

  “Nashville, huh?”

  “Yeah, maybe you could be my manager,” he teases.

  “Manager? That means you’d have to do what I say. Think you can handle that?”

  “As long as you’re there with me, yeah, I’ll do whatever you say.”

  “Hmmm…I find that hard to believe, but it sounds too fun to pass up. Besides, I’ve always wanted to go to Nashville.”

  His eyes light up and they are brighter than the stars twinkling in the sky above us. “So you’ll go?”

  I nod. “Yeah, I’ll go.”

  Under a blanket of stars, on the tailgate of his Ford, we make a pact to go to Nashville. To spread our wings and fly away from Grandeur.

  Together.

  Past

  There are moments that mark our lives. Moments when we realize nothing will ever be the same and time is divided into two parts.

  Before and after.

  The day Linc found out his father died is one of those days. Linc is sitting on my front porch, waiting for me when I get home from school. He didn’t show up today, and when I texted him to ask why, he never replied, but I know by the devastation in his eyes.

  Losing his father has been one of his greatest fears.

  He knew his father was a strong man, a tough man. But he was also a brave soldier who fought for his country and Linc knew that he would lay down his life in an instant if it meant saving the lives of others.

  Which is exactly what had happened. His unit had been ambushed and Sergeant Cole Matthews took on most of the gunfire, protecting his men.

  I’ve never seen Linc cry before.

  Come to think of it, I’ve never seen any man cry before. But today he breaks down right there in my arms, weeping for the loss of his father and all the days they would never have.

  I hold him tight, trying to absorb every ounce of his pain as my own. It’s hard to think about either one of my parents dying. I don’t know what I would do. I only know the ache would be deep and impossible to forget.

  This will change his life forever. His father is his hero. He looks up to him, and in many ways wants to be just like him—honorable, loyal, and courageous. Even though they don’t agree on much, especially Linc’s plans for the future, the man loved his son. I saw it in his eyes every time he looked at him.

  He was proud of him.

  After a while, he finally lifts his red, swollen eyes to mine. “He’s gone forever, Syl. He’s never comin’ back.”

  I don’t respond. What should I say? I should probably say what people normally say when someone dies. Things like I’m sorry, or he’s in a better place, or this is God’s plan, but none of those things sound right. None of those words will give Linc comfort right now, and anything less than acknowledging how much he’s hurting seems like a slap in the face to me.

  So I remain silent, reaching up to cup his cheek. Something inside of me shifts as I look into his deep, sad eyes. I can’t define it and I’m afraid to acknowledge it but it’s there, and I swear, I think I see it reflecting back at me.

  I long to take away his pain. To ease the grief that is consuming him. But I have no idea how to do that.

  Linc stands abruptly, pulling a forearm across his wet face. Once he finds his composure, he looks at me again. Those beautiful green eyes that are always so full of life and bursting with happiness are now darkened with sorrow and despair.

  The sight makes my heart twist with agony.

  “I need to go,” he says. “I left Mama alone with Aunt Shirley. I just…I needed to see you. I needed to hear your voice.”

  “Want me to come with you?” I offer.

  I don’t want to leave his side.

  I don’t want him to face any of this alone.

  Of course he has his mother, but he will be strong for her. He will never allow his mother to see him fall apart like that. That’s why he came here. He knows he can’t keep it bottled up.

  That’s not how Linc is built.

  He feels every emotion with full force, and he knows he can let it go and feel it all with me. Whenever we are afraid or hurt or happy or sad, we always find what we need in each other.

  “No, I need to be with Mama for a while.” He presses his lips to my forehead, the gesture filling me with warmth like it always does. “I’ll call you later,” he promises, his voice soft.

  I watch helplessly as he walks to his pickup truck and climbs inside. Then I stay rooted to my spot on the porch until he disappears into a thick cloud of dust, taking my heart with him.

  Past

  Butterflies dance in my belly as I stand in front of the mirror. Twisting from side to side, I smooth down the front of my dress.

  Mama is right, lavender is my color. My blue eyes pop against the silky fabric and complement my pale skin. The floor length gown has a beaded bodice and a somewhat revealing slit. It nearly gave my father a heart attack when we brought it home to show him, but I love it, and as usual, my mother talked him into letting me wear it.

  Rachel and I spent hours at the salon today. My updo is a delicate knot at the base of my head with blonde tendrils framing my face. I can’t remember ever being so nervous in my life. Even though I have no reason to be. I’m not going to prom with just anyone.

  I’m going with Linc.

  Tonight is the night. I’m finally going to tell Linc Matthews I’m in love with him.

  God, I can’t believe I’m going through with this.

  Nausea bubbles in my belly each time I think about it.

  “Syl! Get your butt down here,” Linc hollers.

  I smile, my heart fluttering in my chest.

  Standing at the top of the stairs, he’s there waiting for me at the bottom. A big, goofy grin smothering his handsome face while he chats with my mom and dad.

  They adore him, of course.

  Everyone does.

  Especially me.

  His smile is contagious and anytime he’s in a room it’s full of light. Even after losing his father, Linc didn’t let it dampen his spirit. Of course he misses him very much, and some days I can still see the sadness in his eyes, but his father would not have wanted him to dwell on his death. So he finds ways to celebrate and remember his life through his music.

  His hair has been trimmed for the occasion, but there are a few unruly pieces that always escape his attempt to tame the wild locks, a gift from his father, he always says. His tux fits his athletic body nicely and he’s wearing a lavender bow tie and vest to match my dress.

  His gaze l
ifts to mine, and I have to hold onto the rail to keep my knees from buckling beneath me.

  Those green eyes have become my weakness.

  My addiction.

  He hasn’t always had this effect on me. Which makes me realize just how much my feelings have grown over the years.

  I have to fight every day to keep it from him.

  I have no idea how to tell my best friend that all I can think about is what his lips taste like. How I dream about his touch, and not just his friendly, polite hands when they find the small of my back or tuck a piece of my hair behind my ear, but what it would feel like to have them roam my body and explore the places I only want him to discover.

  So, tonight, I am putting it all on the line.

  I hope and pray he feels the same way. When he looks at me like this, like I am the only girl in the world, like he can’t see anyone else but me, I think for sure he feels the same way.

  But I’m also scared to death.

  Terrified of what will happen if he doesn’t feel the same way. A rejection from Linc will definitely change our relationship.

  We would never be the same.

  I take the first few steps down and he shuffles on his feet. He seems nervous but he’s not going to let me see it. Linc has a way of making me feel calm even when he’s wound up. His strong confidence is just one of the many things I love about him.

  “You look beautiful, Sylvie,” my mother says, standing next to my father, who has a pained look on his face.

  When I reach the bottom of the steps, Linc gifts me with one of his breathtaking smiles, eyes flashing with something I hope is real and not just something I’ve imagined.

  “Hey you,” he says, and my insides melt.

  “Hey.”

  He takes a step forward, reaching for my fidgeting hand. He can sense when I’m nervous. He knows me better than anyone. “You look…wow.”

  My heart slams against my chest as he bends down to retrieve a clear plastic box from the bottom step.

  “Hold on, you two, I need to grab my camera,” my mother says, scurrying to the other room.

  “I should not let you out of here in that dress. You do not look seventeen, you look twenty-three.” My father runs a hand through his hair. He’s frustrated with me, and I’m pretty sure it has nothing to do with the dress anymore.