The Long Way Home

by K. Langston

  When will I be able to pour my heart out and tell him everything left unsaid?

  Probably never.

  I don’t say that though. Instead, I shove past him, seeking refuge from his expectant stare. Thankfully, he lets me in my car and I think I’ve made my escape, but once I click my seatbelt into place, his knuckle taps loudly on the window.

  “I’ll be by the house tomorrow,” he informs me as I begin powering down the glass.

  “I have to work tomorrow,” I snap, putting the car in reverse.

  He lowers his head, seeking my eyes. “It’ll be before your shift.”

  I don’t even bother asking how he knows what time I come in, because knowing Linc, he’ll be there at dawn. I drive off into the night, sparing him one final glance as I pull out of the parking lot, then I continue my journey down memory lane.

  Alone.

  Past

  My daughter came into this world with a healthy set of lungs and a head full of jet-black hair, just like her daddy. She already possesses my stubbornness, it seems. I had to be induced two weeks after my due date because she absolutely refused to come on her own.

  My mother told me giving birth would be the single most painful, beautiful experience of my life and she was right. But this angel is worth every ounce of pain. I’ve been so scared in the months leading up to her birth, but all of my fears evaporated the moment I laid eyes on her.

  She is the light of my life.

  She gives it color and meaning.

  I’ve finally found my purpose and it’s swaddled in a tiny pink blanket, sleeping soundly in my arms.

  Dean hasn’t left my side. He’s been overly sweet and attentive. He held my hand the entire delivery and even cut the cord. It was so precious watching him hold his baby girl for the first time, and he’s just as enamored with her as I am.

  “She has your nose,” he says, smoothing his index finger across the bridge.

  I smile down at her. She does have my nose. I’ve spent hours staring at her. Even though I’ve only known her for two days, I can describe every line and curve of her face. How many wrinkles in her tiny fingers.

  How many breaths she can take in a single minute.

  She consumes my every thought. My need to love and protect her is immense and overwhelming. Something I think only a mother can truly understand.

  Dean rises from the bed, stretching his arms above his head. “You hungry? I’m sick of the cafeteria food.”

  “Yeah, a burger sounds really good right now.”

  He leans down and kisses me on the cheek then the lips. “Need anything else?”

  Smiling up at him, I shake my head. “I think we’re good. Take your time. Get some fresh air. You’ve been cooped up in here for two days straight.”

  He kisses me again. “I’m so proud of you, baby. I’m the luckiest man in the whole goddamn world. I love you both very much.”

  “We love you, too.”

  “Be back soon.”

  When the door finally shuts behind him, I breathe a sigh of relief and reach for my cell to text Linc and see where he is. I hate going behind my husband’s back but I’ve become desperate.

  When I called Linc to let him know when I would be induced, Dean went crazy. He doesn’t want me talking to him at all. He’s always been jealous of my relationship with Linc. Anytime I talk about him, his whole demeanor changes, but it’s gotten to the point where I won’t mention him at all in order to avoid a fight, and I hate that I have to do that. But it’s hard not to talk about him when he’s sometimes all I think about.

  The guilt eats at me because of it. I know I shouldn’t long for another man, especially my best friend, but I can’t help the way I feel inside.

  I read somewhere once that it’s impossible to love two men at once, that your soul can have only one counterpart.

  One true love.

  That may be true but both of them own a piece of my heart. And each have the ability to tear it apart.

  Linc quickly replies, letting me know that he’ll be here soon. He moved to Nashville after graduation. It was bittersweet. He was finally going to live his dream but it meant seeing and talking to him less. He came by the day before he left to tell me good-bye. It broke my heart all over again. We never spoke of what happened the day of my wedding.

  I swept it under the rug along with all the dirty feelings I continue to hide.

  He promised he’d be back when the baby was born, giving me another reason to look forward to that day.

  I’m ashamed at how many times I’ve fantasized about the kiss we shared. Even standing in front of Dean, exchanging our vows, it was all I could think about. Sometimes I wish he hadn’t told me how he felt. It only added to the deep longing in my heart.

  A longing for something I can never have.

  Looking down at my daughter, I know I made the right choice. My feelings for Linc are irrelevant, because all that matters now is her happiness.

  The knock at the door startles me, pulling me from my deep thoughts. “You decent in here?” Linc shields his eyes with his hand as he enters the room.

  “Yes, goofball. Come in.” I laugh.

  Lowering his hand, he walks over to the side of the bed. “There’s my girls.” He’s holding a bouquet of pink calla lilies with a big smile on his face.

  God, I’ve missed him.

  My hands tingle to touch him, to make sure he’s really here. It’s been six long months since I’ve seen his face. The longest we’ve ever gone without seeing each other since the day we met and he already looks so different.

  Older.

  There’s a scruff lining his jaw and his hair is longer but it suits him.

  He leans down, pressing a kiss to my forehead, lingering there. I close my eyes against the deep ache in my chest. “Sorry I couldn’t get here sooner. I had a gig last night, and I couldn’t back out.”

  “It’s fine. I’m glad you’re here now.”

  He looks down at Caroline cradled in my arms and his eyes light up in wonderment. “She’s so tiny.”

  “Yeah well…she’s not. She weighed in at eight pounds twelve ounces.”

  “Holy shit.”

  We laugh and it’s still so comfortable.

  Easy.

  I’ve been so afraid things would be awkward between us but I’m relieved to discover they’re not.

  “Do you want to hold her?” I ask.

  “Is it safe?”

  “She not a bomb, Linc. Of course it’s safe.”

  “I…I’ve never held a baby before. I don’t wanna hurt her.”

  “You can’t hurt her. There”—I nod to the chair next to the bed—“sit down first.”

  He places the flowers on the table next to the bed and takes a seat, scooting the chair closer. Once she’s safely in his arms, I relax against the pillows, gazing at two very important pieces of my heart.

  “I can’t believe you gave birth to a human,” he says.

  “I know…it’s so weird.”

  “How’re you feelin’?”

  I shrug, avoiding his searching eyes. “I’m fine. The actual giving birth part sucked, but now that she’s here, I couldn’t be happier. She’s perfect.”

  “Of course she is…she’s a part of you.”

  Warmth invades my limbs, centering in my chest. His green eyes hold mine. So many truths. So many things left unsaid but impossible to deny. I realize it will always be there.

  This unspoken bond between us.

  This undeniable longing.

  No matter how deep we try to bury it.

  I clear my throat, shattering the moment. “How’d the show go last night?”

  Linc has been busting his hump to get noticed on music row, playing every place he can to get his name out there.

  But, apparently, everyone wants to be a star.

  When we spoke last week he was feeling discouraged. That he might not have what it takes to stand out.

  I know better.

  His eyes ar
e back on Caroline when he shrugs, dipping his forefinger beneath her tiny ones. She wraps them tightly around his digit, and I smile as Linc bonds with my daughter.

  Of all the times I imagined my future, I never saw it leading me here.

  But that’s okay, because right now, in this moment, here is perfect.

  “It went okay. There was supposed to be a producer there from an indie label, but I have no idea if he came or not. I hit the road as soon as we finished our last set, and I haven’t heard from the guys so that’s probably not a good sign.”

  “It’ll happen, Linc.” I place my hand on his knee. “I know it will.”

  The corner of his mouth lifts but I can see his doubt peeking through. “What’d you end up naming her?” he asks, diverting the subject like he always does.

  “Caroline Rose.”

  “‘Sweet Caroline.’” Linc begins to hum the old Neil Diamond melody, and I close my eyes, lost in the deep timbre of his voice.

  A sound I desperately miss.

  Linc stops humming and I open my eyes to find Dean standing next to me. I didn’t hear the door open or close because I was so immersed in the moment, but I can feel every ounce of anger and bitterness pouring off of him now.

  Linc’s brows pinch together in the center of his forehead and his jaw tenses.

  “’Sup, man,” Dean greets, extending his hand.

  Linc stands up. “Congratulations,” he says, taking his offered hand.

  “Thanks.”

  Leaning over, Linc gently places Caroline back in my arms. Then he instinctively kisses my forehead before moving away.

  Dean says nothing but his pressed lips and hollow eyes do not require words.

  I can hear him loud and clear.

  “I’ve gotta run. I promised Mama I’d take her out for dinner tonight.”

  “How long are you in town for?” I ask with hope in my voice. I’m not ready for him to leave me yet.

  “Just tonight. I need to be back to work by Wednesday or Jeb will have my ass. I wish I could stay longer.”

  Me too.

  The stab of disappointment is painful. I desperately want to spend more time with him but I know he has to get back and my husband is not going to stand for it. “Thanks for coming.”

  “I wouldn’t miss it for the world.” Leaning down, he kisses Caroline’s forehead, too. “She’s beautiful, Syl.” He gives Dean a terse lift of his chin then turns to face me once more. “I’ll call you soon.”

  “Okay,” I whisper. “Bye, Linc.”

  “Bye, Syl.”

  A heavy silence descends once he leaves the room and my heart sinks with dread. I feel his eyes upon me, burning through me like a raging fire. He sets the bag of food down on the table next to me and crosses his arms over his chest.

  “You really expect me to believe you two are just friends?”

  Avoiding his gaze, I look down at Caroline. “We are just friends, Dean. I’ve hardly spoken to him,” I say, holding my baby girl tighter.

  That ever present guilt niggles in my gut, knowing that while I speak the truth—we are just friends—in my heart I still long for him. I need to find a way to move past that. Make it go away.

  But I have no idea how.

  “Bullshit. I see the way he looks at you. And if he ever kisses you like that again, I’ll fucking kill him.”

  I hate it when he speaks to me this way, and I don’t like that I am intimidated by him.

  He leans forward, holding on to the rails with both hands. His face is inches from mine. I can smell the remnants of his last cigarette and taste the panic in my mouth.

  “You are my wife,” he says. “I don’t want him coming around anymore or you talking to him on the phone. That shit’s not right.”

  I raise my chin in an act of defiance. “You can’t tell me who to be friends with.”

  “The hell I can’t.” The tone of his voice straightens my spine.

  “You’re being ridiculous, Dean. He’s…”

  “He’s what?”

  I look down at my sleeping angel, avoiding his accusing glare. “He’s my best friend.”

  Dean’s fingers grip my chin firmly as tears fill my burning eyes. “Well it’s time to decide if you’re his friend or my wife.”

  I nod, submitting to the anger residing in his dark brown eyes.

  He carefully gathers Caroline from my arms and cradles her against his chest. “Now eat. Before it gets cold.”

  In the short time I’ve been a mother, I have found strength I didn’t know I had and discovered a fear I never knew existed.

  Present

  I tossed and turned all night. Not that sleep has ever been a friend of mine, but last night I couldn’t seem to fight off the memories long enough to squeeze in an hour. Before Linc strolled back into town, I was doing a good job of keeping them away.

  Especially the bad ones.

  But now they roll in like thunder and strike like lightning, a raging storm of pain and regret. The only regret I don’t have sits in the passenger seat next to me. She’s the only reason I made it through the last few years.

  She’s the only good piece left of my shattered world.

  And I’m trying like hell not to break it, too.

  “Mama, please don’t make me go. Why can’t I just stay home with you?” Caroline pleads as I drive her to school.

  This is almost an everyday thing. She hates going to school. She hates interacting with people. Probably because they all know what happened to her father.

  Everyone in this damn town knows.

  “Sweetie, we’ve been over this. You have to go.”

  “I don’t want to be around those kids.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because they all look at me weird,” Caroline says quietly, looking out the passenger side window.

  Kids can be so cruel sometimes. I’ve thought about homeschooling but the counselor said that would only make it worse. My heart clenches in my chest as tears clog my throat. I have no idea how to help her because I still don’t know how to help myself.

  “Baby, it’ll get better with time,” I tell her gently.

  That’s my answer to everything.

  I tell myself that over and over but even I don’t believe it. It’s been a year and we’re still stuck in the same place.

  My Caroline is not like other kids. She’s endured far more in her seven years than most kids her age. She’s so strong.

  Far stronger than me.

  When she leans over to kiss my cheek, I place my hand on her arm. My heart aches for her. She’s been to grief counseling. We both have. But she’s still distant and it’s killing me. She wants to deal with it on her own and part of me wants to let her, but I know it’s not healthy. But how in the hell are we supposed to move past this if I can’t even talk about it? I don’t know how to help her move on because I’m still stuck in the past myself.

  “I love you, Caroline.”

  “Love you too, Mama.”

  The last year has been hard on her, and I’m doing my best to pick up the pieces and find a sense of normalcy but it’s just so hard. I want to be able to talk about Dean without all of this anger and resentment bubbling up from inside of me but it’s still impossible to do. And even though Caroline saw and heard more than I ever wanted her to, she loves her father very much. Since I’m uncertain with how I should be coping with his memory, much less honor it, I have, instead, buried it.

  It might not be fair but it’s the only thing I’m capable of at the moment.

  I’m just doing what I can to survive.

  After dropping Caroline off at school, I rush back home so I’m not late for my appointment. I have someone coming to look at the roof to give me an estimate on the storm damage from last week. The last thing I need is another bill on my table but what else am I going to do? I have to get it fixed or else we’ll be swimming in the living room with the next storm that rolls through.

  I only have ten minutes to spare by the ti
me I pull into the driveway. Enough time to brew a pot of coffee and clean up the dishes from breakfast. I remember Linc’s promise to come by this morning, but I ignore the flutter in my belly at the thought.

  Just as I turn the knob to start the dishwasher, there’s a knock at the front door.

  Making my way through the tiny foyer, I stop to adjust a crooked picture of Caroline the day she turned four years old. I close my eyes against the memory and the heartache the day brought with it.

  Not now, Sylvie.

  When I open the door, I come face-to-face with Linc. “Mornin’.” His voice washes over me like an old familiar song, evoking a million emotions all at once.

  I swallow hard but it doesn’t prevent the heat from soaring through my body. “Can I help you?” I ask, sarcasm dripping from my words.

  A smile tugs at the corner of his lips as he steps forward. “Yep, I’m looking for my girl, Sylvie. Have you seen her? Vibrant woman, full of life, with a smile that could bring a man to his knees.”

  “Nobody lives here matching that description. Maybe you should check down the street.”

  He looks over my shoulder, stretching his neck. “Where’s Caroline?”

  “School. I just dropped her off.”

  “Damn, I wanted to see her. But I’m glad we’re alone,” he says, stepping further inside and shutting the door behind him.

  Grinding my teeth, I walk away from him. “I didn’t invite you in.”

  “Why are you being like this?”

  “Like what?”

  “So…I don’t know…hard.”

  “What do you want me to say, Linc? Life made me this way. There, is that what you came here for?”

  “No, I came here to look at your roof.”

  “What the hell are you talking about?”

  “You called Greg for a quote.”

  “You’re working for Bradley Construction again?”

  Linc worked for him all throughout high school, and as I recall they did stay in touch over the years. But I never would have expected him to go back to work there.

  It’s not like he needs the money.

  “Not really. Just picking up a few odd jobs while I’m here.”

  While he’s here? Guess that means he’ll be leaving again once Gwynn recovers. The thought depresses me. Even though I’m fighting him at every turn, I can’t deny that I’m happy he’s here. I’ve missed him terribly. I just didn’t realize how much until he showed back up.