The Long Way Home

by K. Langston

  “I’ll think about it.”

  He nods, clasping my hand with his. “You’re coming. So make plans.”

  Ignoring his demand, I kiss him once more. “Have a safe flight.”

  “Stubborn woman.” He finally releases my hand. “I love you,” he nearly shouts as he makes his way past the gate. He’s walking backward, an adorable grin smothering his handsome face.

  “Love you, too,” I mouth.

  I stay rooted to my spot until he’s out of sight. Sucking back a deep breath, I mentally prepare myself for the days ahead. I’m going to need to keep myself extra busy so I don’t think about this deep ache in my chest.

  I almost make it back home when my cell begins ringing from the console. I smile, thinking it’s Linc but it’s not, it’s Dani.

  My smile falters as I think about our last encounter.

  “Hello?” I answer, hesitation thick in my voice.

  “Hey, Sylvie.”

  “Hey.”

  “How are you?”

  “Good. How are you?”

  “I’m okay.”

  Painful, awkward silence fills the line, making me feel uncomfortable. Dani and I have always kept it civil, but there is an underlying truth that she’s never really liked me. I was never good enough for her brother and she made that clear more than once while we were married.

  It was my fault I got pregnant.

  My fault he turned to drugs.

  And we all know she blames me for his death.

  “What’s up, Dani?” I try to keep my voice calm when inside I’m anything but. She always puts me on edge, and I’m eager to get to the reason for her call.

  “I wanted to apologize,” she says quietly.

  I can hear the sincerity in her voice but I’m still on guard. Manipulation is her game and I’m not playing.

  “It’s just…it’s hard to see you with anyone other than Dean.”

  “Dani, you know Linc and I have been friends for a long time.”

  “Yeah, and I also know how my brother felt about him.”

  I bite my tongue to refrain from snapping at her. I know she’s still hurting. Dani and Dean were really close and he confided in her a lot during our marriage. But she’ll never know what it was like to be married to him. She’ll never understand the hell he put me through and how hard I fought to save him. And she’ll damn sure never understand my relationship with Linc.

  No one will.

  “Thank you for your apology,” I say.

  “I was wondering if Caroline could come spend the night this weekend?”

  I tense, feeling uneasy. “Dani, you’re more than welcome to come to the house and visit but I don’t think it’s a good idea for her to come spend the night.”

  “Why not?”

  Aside from the fact that she hasn’t bothered to contact either of us in the last year, I don’t trust Dani. Not when it comes to my daughter.

  Then she hits me square in the chest. “Sylvie, please. Caroline is the only family I have. She’s all I have left of him. I…I know I haven’t been around much the last year but it’s been so hard. I’m struggling to pick up the pieces but I’m trying. I finally got clean. Sober now for seventy-two days. But I have very little support and a long road ahead. I need something to hang on to. I think spending time with her will help.”

  Tears sting my eyes and my fortitude crumbles. I want to believe she’s changed. That she’s not the bitter, dramatic girl I once knew. And that she’s not a slave to her addiction. How can I fault her for trying?

  “Come by the house tomorrow night and we’ll go from there.”

  “Thank you, Sylvie. This means the world to me.”

  I can hear the relief in her voice and it brings me a small amount of comfort that I’m making the right decision.

  Present

  “Was that all she said?” Linc asks, his concerned face filling my screen.

  I’m sitting cross-legged in bed, my new laptop sitting in front of me. We’ve been chatting for a little more than half an hour and I’m silently thanking whoever came up with the innovative idea of FaceTime. I don’t know what I would do if I had to go two weeks without seeing his handsome face.

  He’s caught me up on his day and how the second he landed he was whisked away to his first of several interviews and one performance to promote the new album. Tomorrow and the day after will be packed full so this might be the only chance I get to talk to him like this until Thursday.

  “I don’t like the idea of you two being there alone with her. I want you to call Rachel and Will over. It would make me feel better knowing someone else is there.”

  “She’s not going to do anything, Linc. She would never hurt us.”

  “You said the same thing about him and he almost…” He clears his throat and leans closer to the screen, his eyes swimming with pain. “It fuckin’ kills me to think about it. Ever since you told me what happened I keep wondering what-if. What-if he would have…”

  I swallow back the guilt but like always, it still lingers. “Linc, don’t. Don’t do that to yourself.” I’ve thought about it enough myself. It’s frightening to know how close I came to death.

  “Forgive me for being a little protective. I understand you want to trust her, and I’m not here to dictate what you do, but I do not want you or Caroline alone with her. Period.” His stern voice forbids me to argue.

  “I’ll call Rachel in the morning.”

  He sighs in relief. “Thank you.”

  “You look tired.”

  “I am. And I’ve got an early morning. Long day tomorrow.”

  “You should get some rest.”

  “Yeah, but there’s no way I could go to sleep without talkin’ to my girl. I wish I were in bed with you right now.”

  I smile. “Me too.”

  His eyes become hooded, desire swirling deep in their green depths. “Is your door locked?”

  I nod.

  He lowers his voice. “Take your shirt off.”

  I can see his arm moving slightly and I wonder if he’s touching himself. Instead of asking, I do as I’m told and remove my thin T-shirt to reveal my white bra.

  “Beautiful. Now your shorts.”

  Getting up from the bed, I shimmy out of my shorts, my heart thundering in my chest as I climb back onto the mattress. I feel self-conscious and awkward but that all fades away when he says, “Relax, babe. It’s just us.”

  “I don’t know why I’m so nervous.”

  “You have nothing to be nervous about. You trust me, right?”

  That’s the stupidest question ever.

  “Completely.”

  He smiles, satisfied with my answer. “Lie back, spread your legs, and put the laptop between them. Close. I wanna see everything.”

  Swallowing hard, I summon my courage and situate the laptop between my legs, tilting the screen.

  “Perfect.”

  He reaches behind his neck to take off his shirt, then tilts his screen so I can see all of him, too. He’s sitting in a big leather chair. I can see numerous awards displayed on the lighted shelves behind him and several large picture frames scattered about.

  “Sylvie.” My name brings my eyes back to his, dark pools of green flaming with need. “Lean back.”

  His voice is like silk, slithering down my spine to center between my legs. “Yes, now pull those pretty panties aside and show me how wet you are.”

  He’s still stroking himself, mouth parted, muscles strained. He looks absolutely stunning. My body relaxes, desire filling my blood, discarding all of my inhibitions. Starting at my stomach, my hand slowly drifts down between my legs. I feel sexy beneath his heated stare.

  Beautiful.

  Brave.

  He watches my hand closely, licking his lips when I pull the fabric aside, holding it there, showing him what he wants.

  “I’d give anything to lick you right now. I can still taste you on my lips from this morning.”

  His words intensify the
throb beneath my fingers as I slide them back and forth teasingly. “Linc,” I moan, bringing my other hand up to cup my breast, but it’s not the same.

  I’m desperate for his touch.

  Desperate for him.

  “Look at me while you touch yourself, Sylvie. Tell me how it feels.”

  “It feels…good, but not the same. I need you,” I pant.

  “I need you too, babe. I need you to slip one of those fingers inside your pussy.” He grins and I blush, hesitating. I’ve never done anything like this before. It’s embarrassing and exhilarating all at the same time. “Finger, Sylvie.”

  Biting down on my bottom lip, I push one finger inside of me on a gasp. My body warms and my breathing accelerates. I close my eyes, listening to his deep, sensual voice. “That’s it. Just like that,” he grits, his control hanging on by a thread. “Another. Push them deep, Sylvie. Fuck yourself like I would.”

  Adding my ring finger to join my middle, I open my eyes to find his blazing with hunger. His mouth is in the shape of a small O, mirroring mine. Then I drop my eyes between his legs. My thrusting fingers and his stroking hand sends me hurdling over the edge. Arching my back from the bed, I clamp my thighs around my hand and turn my head into the pillow to stifle my moans.

  He groans and I know he’s right there with me.

  Once I’ve floated back down from my pleasure-induced high, I become conscious of where I am and what’s just happened. I quickly remove my hand from between my legs and slide my panties back into place, shifting to sit up.

  “Jesus, that is the hottest thing I’ve ever seen,” he says.

  I agree.

  In all the times I’ve touched myself, it has never felt like that. I begin to put my T-shirt back on when his voice stops me. “You okay?”

  “Yeah…I was just…I’ve never done anything like that before.”

  “Good. I like knowing I get to share this first with you. I wish I were there right now so I could hold you.”

  “Me too.”

  “I better get some shut-eye. Four a.m. is gonna come early as hell in the morning.”

  “All right.”

  “Sweet dreams. Love you, baby.”

  “Love you, too.”

  I close the screen and turn out the light, crawling beneath the covers. With a smile on my face, I snuggle the pillow he slept on last night to my chest, inhaling his familiar scent. Then I fall into a deep, deep sleep with the sweetest of dreams.

  Present

  “What time did she say she’d be here?” Rachel asks, sipping her glass of sweet tea.

  “Around six.”

  “It’s ten to. Think she’ll show?”

  Peeking around the corner, I make sure Caroline is not within listening distance before I answer. She’s sitting on the couch watching Goonies. One of Linc’s favorite movies. I smile to myself. She told me earlier she already missed him.

  To which I replied with a rapid ‘me too.’

  “I had a talk with her earlier about Dani coming by. She was curious why she hadn’t seen her since her father died, and I tried my best to explain to her that people just grieve in different ways. Hell, I’m just now starting to come to terms with it.”

  Rachel’s hand covers mine. “I’m so proud of you. I knew it would take some time but I also know how strong you are.”

  “I’m not that strong. If it hadn’t been for Linc, I would probably still be a mess.”

  “You should give yourself some credit, Sylvie. After all you’ve been through, most people would have given up, found a way to numb the pain or bury it forever. But instead, you carry it. You get up every day and find a way to go on. To live. To take care of your daughter. To me that takes a lot of courage and strength.”

  “I guess I never thought of it that way. Finding a way to get through each day without falling apart had become a challenge for me, one I faced with fear and hope in my heart, praying that someday I would wake up and it wouldn’t hurt so much anymore. I’m just so grateful those days have finally found me.”

  “You deserve to be happy, Sylvie.”

  A lump forms in the back of my throat. “Thank you for always being here for me, Rachel. I know I haven’t always been able to do the same for you, but I hope you know how important your friendship means to me.”

  She leans forward, pulling me in for a hug. “I’ll always be here for you. No matter what.”

  A few moments later, after we’ve wiped away our tears, the doorbell rings.

  When I open the door, Dani bursts through in a flurry of movements and frantic words. “I’m so sorry I’m late. I got hung up at work. Stupid boss. I told him I had somewhere to be but he just wouldn’t listen. Where is she? I can’t wait to see…” A gasp falls from her mouth as she rushes inside.

  Caroline is standing next to the couch. Dani drops her bag and falls to her knees in front of her. “Oh my God, you’ve grown so much.”

  Dani doesn’t say a word as Caroline’s eyes flicker to mine with uncertainty. “Dani, why don’t you have a seat so you and Caroline can visit. Can I get you something to drink?”

  Shaking her head, she begins to cry. “I can see him in your eyes,” she says, gathering Caroline into her arms. “I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”

  Rachel is standing in the entry of the kitchen, concern etched all over her face. When Dani finally releases Caroline, she stands up and takes a seat on the couch, wiping the corners of her eyes.

  I hand her a Kleenex. “Thank you,” she whispers.

  “Why are you sad, Aunt Dani?” Caroline asks, taking a seat next to her.

  “Because I miss your daddy so much.”

  “I miss him too, but I don’t cry when I think about him anymore.”

  “Oh yeah? Care to share your secret with me?” A small smile curls Dani’s lips.

  “Because Mama says he would be sad if we were sad. I don’t want Daddy to be sad anymore, so whenever I miss him a lot, I just think about all the good he gave me while he was here.”

  Sniffling, Dani gives her another hug and shifts her eyes to mine. “Your mom is right. He wouldn’t want us to be sad.”

  I retreat back to the kitchen to give them a little privacy. Their faint murmurs follow me and I smile, thinking about what Caroline said to Dani. I’m sure there will still be moments of sadness.

  For both of us.

  But we are finally dealing with it in a healthy, positive way. By being honest about who he was and honoring the good things about him. Dean will always be a part of our lives, the best part of him sitting in the living room.

  I close my eyes on a silent prayer, thanking God for putting him in my life. Despite the pain and heartache I’ve endured, it was worth every bit to have that angel by my side.

  A few hours later, Dani grabs her purse to leave. She gives Caroline a hug, telling her she will be back to see her soon and asks me to walk her out. Once we’re outside, her whole demeanor changes. Those brown eyes of hers that were twinkling moments ago are now filled with disgust. “He’s only been dead a year. I can’t believe you’re already moving on. How could you do this?”

  “Dani, I’m not trying to be rude, but my personal life is, again, none of your business.”

  She takes a step forward, folding her arms across her chest. I can see the anger building an arsenal in her dark eyes. I want to take a step back but I don’t want her to think I’m intimidated by her, even though I am. My body is trembling with fear but I hold my stance. “I should have known this would happen. I’m just surprised it didn’t happen sooner. I tried to tell him for years you two were more than friends but he was convinced you loved him.”

  “I did love Dean.”

  “No, you didn’t. You drove him to kill himself. It was the only way you could be with Linc.”

  Spinning around, I reach for the screen door but she steps around me and kicks it shut, propping herself against it.

  “I’m done with this conversation,” I tell her, trying to keep my voice calm.
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  “Well, I’m not finished yet.”

  “Listen.” I soften my voice more. “I know you’re hurting, it’s been hard on us all, but I’m not going to wallow in my grief anymore. I can’t. I have a little girl to raise.”

  “So that means letting Linc take my brother’s place?”

  “I would never do that.”

  “With the way Caroline talks, she thinks Linc hung the fucking moon. I’m pretty sure it won’t be long until she’s calling him daddy.”

  “Linc has been a part of her life since she was born. They share a special bond but he’s not her father and he would never try to replace Dean.”

  “Right,” she spits with a scoff.

  “What am I supposed to do? Never find happiness again?”

  “He’s dead because of you. You don’t deserve to be happy.”

  I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me. I stagger backward.

  She shoves past me, clipping my shoulder with her own, and without another word, climbs into her car and drives away.

  I shouldn’t give her this much power over my feelings but it’s hard not to. Maybe she’s right; maybe I don’t deserve to be happy. I couldn’t love her brother enough to save him, so why do I deserve someone to love me enough to save me?

  A couple days pass and I can’t seem to let go of what Dani said. Her words are stuck on repeat in my head. Even though I know how sick he was, I can’t help but wonder if my attempt to leave pushed him over the edge. Maybe I should have stayed instead of being so selfish. Maybe I should have tried harder.

  Then maybe he would still be alive.

  I’ve wanted to confide in Linc about what Dani said but I don’t want to burden him with my problems. He’s got enough on his plate right now. We haven’t been able to FaceTime the last few nights, only talk over the phone for a few minutes before bed, which has been a relief actually. I fear he would be able to see the turmoil written all over my face. I certainly feel it festering in my heart.

  In order to get my mind off of everything, Caroline and I are staying over at Gwynn’s tonight. I whip us up some spaghetti and garlic bread and after we eat, the three of us settle in the living room. Gwynn picks up a cream blanket that she’s been working on, along with her crochet hook, and goes to town. Caroline sits next to her, studying her every move and asking a million questions. Gwynn answers each one thoroughly and with extreme patience. My phone rings from my bag, I motion to Gwynn that I will take it in the other room. She gives me a warm smile and a nod. Swiping the screen, Linc’s handsome but tired face pops up.