The Long Way Home

by K. Langston

  I call my mother as soon as we land but there is still no word. Caroline has been missing for exactly six hours now and in those three hundred and sixty minutes I have prayed a thousand prayers.

  Please let her be okay.

  Please let her be okay.

  Please let her be okay.

  When we finally pull onto my parents’ street there are two squad cars parked in the driveway. I rush from the car before Linc even has it in park. Dread curls its cruel fingers around my heart and lungs, suffocating me with each step I take toward the house. My feet are heavy as I cross the threshold into what I am sure is my certain hell, and follow the voices coming from the kitchen.

  Deputies Carl Burns and Ricky Bolton are there, along with both of my parents. Sheriff Griffin holds a recent school photo of my Caroline. My knees buckle beneath me but Linc is there to catch me before I hit the floor.

  “Anything?” Linc asks. Thankfully, because I don’t have the courage to.

  My mother steps forward, her hand resting on my arm. “Not yet.”

  “We’ll find her, Sylvie,” Sheriff Griffin says softly.

  I try to find comfort in his words, but until I know she’s home and safe with me, there is nothing he can say that will ease my worried mind. “Do you know anyone who would want to take Caroline?”

  Since my mother’s phone call, I’ve rolled the very same question over in my mind at least a dozen times, and there’s not a single soul I can think of that would do this.

  “No,” I whisper.

  “Can you think of anyone who has a vendetta against you? Have you had a falling out with anyone at work? Or perhaps Dean had enemies you were unaware of.”

  The moment he mentions Dean I sag in Linc’s embrace. “Dani.”

  My mother gasps and Linc tenses. Why the hell didn’t I think about her before? Would she actually take Caroline? I know she wouldn’t hurt her, but would she take her just to hurt me?

  “Dean’s sister?” the sheriff questions.

  “Yes.” I swallow hard, trying to find the words to speak instead of falling apart. I can’t believe this is happening. “We…we got into an argument recently when she came to visit Caroline. She was upset…about Linc and I being together, and that I won’t let her be alone with Caroline, but I don’t think she would hurt her.”

  He nods to Deputy Bolton and he steps out of the room with his radio close to his mouth.

  “We’ll check her last known address then go from there. I think you should go home and wait there. I’ll keep you posted, but just in case she comes home, someone needs to be there.”

  “No.” I shake my head frantically. “I can’t leave. I need to be here. I need to know what’s happening.”

  Linc pulls me against his chest. “There’s nothing you can do here, baby. The sheriff’s right. Let’s go home in case she shows up there.”

  I nod, burying my face in his chest, praying nothing happens to my little girl.

  Present

  There is only so much a person can take before they break. Before they lie down and let the pain and despair consume them completely. I’ve overcome a lot. I got married and had a baby at seventeen. I watched the father of my child take his own life. Found the courage to face his death and began to pick up the pieces.

  But losing Caroline…

  Words cannot describe what losing her would do to me. Even right now, not knowing where she is, if she’s hungry or worse, if she’s hurt, my heart feels like it’s being carved out of my chest. There’s a hollowness in the pit of my stomach that tells me I won’t be able to go on without her. She’s the reason I breathe, the reason I live.

  Without her, I’m nothing more than an empty shell.

  Standing on the front porch, I look out into the dark night. Caroline has been missing for close to seven hours. My house is full of my friends and family, Rachel and Will, my parents, Gwynn, but I can’t be around them right now. I’m too upset, too angry. All I want to do is scream up to the star-littered sky.

  Why?

  Haven’t I endured enough?

  I hear the door open but I don’t turn around. I know who it is when his firm fingers massage my tense shoulders. “You okay?”

  Shaking my head, I swallow past the permanent knot in my throat.

  He exhales a long sigh. “Mama made some soup, you should come inside and try to eat.”

  “I’m not hungry,” I say, shrugging from beneath his comforting hands.

  I don’t want his comfort. Not when my baby girl is out there all alone with no one to comfort her.

  “You need to keep your strength up. Caroline will need you when she gets home.”

  “How do you know she’s coming home, Linc? God knows where she is or who she’s with. I’m going out of my mind right now. I have no idea if she’s hungry or hurt or…”

  I can’t even finish the sentence. I can’t allow myself to go down that road. Panic claws at my throat, strangling me.

  Linc reaches for my hand but I jerk it away and attempt to go back inside but I’m spun around and pulled against his chest. I fight the urge to wrap my arms around him but once I’m enveloped in the warmth of his embrace, I give in to the need.

  Linc strokes the back of my head. “She’s gonna be okay. I promise.”

  “You don’t know that.”

  “Yes, I do. She’s strong, just like you. She can survive anything.”

  “I shouldn’t have left her. This never would have happened if I had been here.”

  “Syl, don’t do that to yourself. This isn’t your fault.”

  “Yes, it is. I wasn’t here to protect her. God, I don’t know if I can do this. I can’t lose her.”

  He leans back and takes my tear-stained face between his hands, wiping away the moisture beneath my eyes. “Listen to me, you’re not gonna lose her. They’ll find her. They will.”

  My forehead falls to his chest on a silent prayer, hoping he’s right.

  I’m not sure how long we stand locked together. It feels like hours. Maybe days. It’s only when my cell phone rings from my back pocket that I pull away. Dani’s name lights the screen and relief floods my body briefly before dread steals it away. I’ve tried to call her nonstop for the last two hours but couldn’t reach her. I hold the phone to my ear with a shaky hand. “Hello?”

  “Mama?”

  I grip Linc’s shirt, my knees weakening beneath me. “Caroline? Oh my God, baby, where are you? Are you okay?”

  “Mama, Aunt Dani won’t wake up,” Caroline cries out and my heart slams against my ribcage.

  “Where are you?”

  “With Daddy.”

  Fear sweeps through me, knocking the wind from my lungs. It takes me a few precious seconds to find my voice. I keep it low and calm, trying not to frighten or upset her more than she already is. I feel so helpless right now. “Are you at the cemetery, Caroline?”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  I nod to Linc and he releases me long enough to dash inside and get Deputy Bolton, who has been here since we left my parents’ earlier. I tap the screen for speaker as Linc comes back out, Deputy Bolton following behind him. The three of us head toward his squad car. “Mama, I’m scared.”

  “I know, sweetie. We’re on our way. Do you know why Aunt Dani won’t wake up?”

  “She said she missed Daddy too much. She took a lot of medicine, Mama.”

  Oh God, this can’t be happening.

  I haven’t been here since we buried him. Not even when they put his headstone in place. Guilt tries to overtake me as we make our way toward the back, but I stomp it down.

  My only concern is Caroline right now.

  “We’re here,” I tell her as we pull through the wrought iron gate of the cemetery where I buried my husband. Before the deputy has the car in park, I bolt and barely register Linc calling after me, but I refuse to wait. I’ve kept Caroline on the phone the entire time, trying to talk about anything but the fact that her aunt may or may not have taken her own life
, but mostly I just reassured her that Dani would be okay, even though I have a sinking feeling she won’t.

  The wail of sirens can be heard off in the distance as I make my way toward his grave. I frantically search for her but my eyes are full of tears, and I can’t remember which way to go.

  Then I spot her.

  She’s running toward me, tears streaming down her face in rivers of fear.

  I fall to my knees the second she reaches me and take her in my arms. “Thank you, God.”

  It’s all I can say. Over and over the words fall from my lips in a desperate and gracious prayer. I finally find enough strength to release her. “Are you okay?”

  She nods and by all appearances she looks perfectly fine. Not a hair out of place, but I can see the deep sadness buried in her dark brown eyes. She looks over her shoulder as the paramedics run toward Dani as well as several other deputies.

  Her tear-filled eyes return to mine. “Is she gonna be okay, Mama?”

  “I don’t know, sweetie. They’re gonna do their best to help her.”

  “She was so sad,” she whispers, her lip quivering. “I tried to make her feel better. I tried to tell her Daddy was in the sky. That he was in a better place but she wouldn’t listen. She just kept saying how much she missed him. I miss him too, Mama.” Her tiny arms wrap around my neck tightly. “I miss him, too.”

  “I know.”

  Linc crouches down beside me and cradles her face. “You sure you’re okay, sweet girl?” I’m already on the verge of tears but the emotion in his voice sends them falling down my cheeks.

  She wraps her arms around his shoulders as she buries her head in the crook of his neck. The sounds of her cries are all too familiar. They’re the same ones from one year ago.

  The sound of a child’s heart breaking in two.

  Present

  Two months later…

  Dani survived. Even though she was barely alive by the time they got her to the hospital. While her only niece helplessly looked on, she’d taken a handful of antidepressants, mainly to rid her mind and heart of the demons that plagued her, but ultimately to ease the pain of her brother’s death.

  She was charged with kidnapping and child endangerment. After pleading no contest to the charges due to her mental illness, she was sentenced to three years in Parkhaven, a psychiatric hospital in Savannah. I haven’t been to see her yet but I call to check on her once a week. I’m listed as her closest living relative. Part of me is still angry over what happened. Caroline is still coping with watching her aunt attempt to take her own life and it’s been a difficult road for her. But the other part of me feels sorry for Dani. I’m certain had her parents given a shit about her or Dean, neither one of them would have ended up this way.

  Then again, who’s to say?

  Mental illness is unpredictable and oftentimes, incurable. And no matter how much a person is loved and cared for, sometimes it’s just not enough. Sometimes there are just things in life they simply cannot overcome. They feel cornered and defeated and see no possible solution other than death.

  I often worry if Caroline will suffer from the same disease that plagued her father and aunt. After an extreme amount of research, I’ve discovered that mental illness is hereditary and normally symptoms do not occur until later in adolescence or early adulthood, so it’s hard to tell but I pray it skips a generation. However, I can’t shield her from the trauma that has already been bestowed upon her in her short life.

  Which is why we are both back in counseling, something I feel we will need for a while.

  It scares the hell out of me but I don’t let her see my fear. I just take it one day at a time and pray that my child can conquer what her father and aunt couldn’t.

  Life.

  The one thing we can both count on though is each other. And Linc has also been an anchor of comfort for us. He hasn’t left our side in the last two months, but once again, our life is about to be flipped upside down. Linc leaves to go on tour in three days. He had them push the dates back as far as he could with everything that’s been going on but they can’t put it off any longer. The selfish part of me doesn’t want him to leave. I need him here. I need his strength and his love. His guidance. Aside from Caroline, it’s the one thing I can depend on.

  The one thing I trust and believe in the most.

  Us.

  But this is his career. And no matter how much I hate him leaving, I have to support him.

  We’re on our way to check on the progress of the house today. It’s nearly finished. We’ll be moving in while he’s away and the thought saddens me he won’t be here to share it with us. I remind myself that there are worse things in life, like not having him at all.

  His hand clasps mine, pulling it to his warm lips. “What’s on your mind, babe?”

  I shrug, not really wanting to share my depressing thoughts. I don’t want to be sad. I don’t want to dwell on the negative.

  “I’m gonna miss you,” I say.

  “I’m gonna miss you, too.” He places a kiss on my knuckles before settling our clasped hands on his thigh. “Both of you.” He steers the truck up the inclined road, up to our mountain in the sky. I’ve grown to love this place. The way the late sun kisses the peaks and ridges with its glorious golden rays. The vast land and trees and the peace they offer.

  “Have you thought about what we talked about?” he whispers, and looks over my shoulder to see if Caroline is listening. She’s engrossed in her book, not paying the least bit attention to us.

  “I still think it’s too soon.”

  He’s quiet for a moment, and I almost think he’s pissed but then the house comes into view and a big smile smothers his handsome face. I drag my eyes away from that satisfied grin and gasp at the sight before me.

  Our home.

  The front is covered in windows, no doubt offering a generous amount of natural light inside. The three-story cabin is unlike anything I’ve ever seen before with its wraparound deck hugging the entire second floor and stone chimney, promising comfort and peace. The house is perched up on a massive hill, the mountain offering the perfect backdrop. It looks like something you’d see in a painting.

  “It’s beautiful.”

  “Wait until you see inside,” he says, pulling to park in front of the four-car garage around the side. Caroline pokes her head between our seats, her mouth agape in awe of it all.

  “Wow,” she whispers.

  Linc lands a kiss on her temple. “Welcome home, sweet girl.”

  We make our way around front. Linc looks like he did on his eleventh birthday when he got his first ten-speed. “There’s a little bit more touch-up painting that needs to be done but other than that, they’re finished with construction,” he says, opening the door.

  “I thought it wouldn’t be finished for another month.”

  “Surprise,” he whispers close to my ear as we walk inside.

  “Oh my God.”

  I’m speechless. Probably because there’s not enough air in my lungs to speak. The vaulted ceilings are breathtaking with vast wooden beams stretching across the top. Just as I had suspected, the natural light filtering in through the windows is stunning but not overwhelming. I can see now that the glass has been tinted so the light filtering in isn’t harsh, but soft, offering a warm, cozy feel.

  Linc steps out in front of me and grips my hand while Caroline darts off upstairs. “I’m going to find my room,” she shouts, her feet eating up the stairs with excitement.

  “C’mon. I wanna show you the rest.”

  “I can’t believe they got it done so fast.”

  “I know people,” he says with a wink, pulling me toward the kitchen, which is even more impressive than the living room.

  “Oh, wow. This is amazing.”

  The floors are all wood and polished to perfection. There are cabinets galore and the appliances are all state of the art. The countertops are an exquisite dark granite and there’s an island in the center equipped with a
wrought iron pot rack hanging low from the ceiling.

  Linc wraps his arms around my waist, kissing my neck. “I see you barefoot and pregnant, cooking up a storm right over there.” He points to the six-range stove.

  “That’s a little sexist, don’t you think?” I tease, although nothing would make me happier.

  “A little.” I give him a pointed look over my shoulder and he kisses my nose. “Okay, a lot, but what can I say, this is like a dream come true for me. The woman I love, making a home for us, taking care of me and our children.” He sweeps my mouth in little kisses. “You, naked, wearing nothing but an apron and a smile.”

  Laughing, I swat his arm. “I won’t be doing that while I’m pregnant, I’ll tell you that.”

  “Okay, maybe not while you’re pregnant but soon, very, very soon.”

  I turn to face him completely. “How is it possible to love someone as much as I love you?”

  “Easy, it’s me and you. Us, baby. It doesn’t get any better than this.”

  He takes my mouth in a hard kiss, conveying everything I feel.

  Love.

  Devotion.

  The burdens of life I carry melt away when his lips are pressed against mine, when I’m wrapped in his arms. I forget about all the bad and bathe in the good.

  “Mama, Mama! Come look,” Caroline squeals from above.

  With his hand holding mine, he leads me up the stairs. The house has five bedrooms and three baths but the entire third floor is one large bedroom, and it’s clearly been designed for Caroline. It’s open and bright and the far wall is nothing but built-in bookcases filled with books. Tons and tons of books. In the center there’s a reading nook equipped with a big pink oval cushion and what looks like dozens of throw pillows in every shade of the rainbow. And written above it, in big scrolling letters it says…

  Read to live…live to read.

  This is obviously the cause of her excitement because the smile on her face is priceless and it makes me wish I hadn’t left my phone in the car so I could capture this moment forever, even though I know I’ll never forget it. “Look at all the books, Mama!” she exclaims, tugging me toward the center of the room. The walls are painted a soft yellow and the bathroom a soft pink. I twist my head to get a look at Linc and find him kneeling down on one knee. When I look back at Caroline, she smiles mischievously as if she’s in on it, too. I turn my attention back to him. His hand reaches for Caroline’s and mine.