Almost Broken: If I Break #2

by Moore, Portia

  “I have another appointment with Dr. Clemons next week,” he says before starting the car.

  “That’s good. Do you feel comfortable with her?” I ask, glad that he’s finally opening up about his appointment.

  “For a stranger, I guess.” He chuckles looking down at his lap.

  “She wants to do some testing at our next appointment,” he continues.

  “What type of testing?”

  “To confirm that I actually have DID. Go figure right?” He grins, and I can’t help but laugh at that.

  “The other is to test my level of dissociation. I think,” he continues. That’s why he should have asked for me to come in and talk to her. After hearing from me there wouldn’t be any test needed. I can testify to the fact that his level is pretty high.

  He sighs. “She gave me some homework,” he says sarcastically, pulling out a piece of paper from his pocket. He glances at it and hands it to me. I unfold it and have to bite my cheeks to keep the smile from spreading across my face. So this is why he’s been sulking.

  “This isn’t so bad,” I say, and he frowns. Well of course it’s bad. He doesn’t want to like Cal.

  “She wants me to connect with him.” Again with the sarcasm. I guess it’s better than pouting.

  “Is that such a bad thing?”

  He looks at me, completely baffled. It’s funny that Chris has never said how he’s felt about Cal. I mean I know he isn’t happy about him, but I never got the impression that he has the same disdain for him as his dad. I somehow thought he’d come to terms with the fact that Cal is him, but from the way he’s acting, now maybe he doesn’t think of Cal as himself.

  “Nope. It’s awesome,” he says even more sarcastically than before. I feel myself growing defensive, and I’m really trying not to be. We both sit in silence the awkwardness filling up the car.

  “Well are you going to do it?” I ask trying very hard to restrain my aggravation.

  “I kind of have to,” he sounds bitter. At this moment I realize just how much I have filtered myself when it comes to Chris.

  I’ve done it since I’ve known him.

  After our disastrous introduction I’ve been trying to keep my emotional outbursts on lock down. But, in reality, my tongue has become pretty sharp when I’m upset. Thanks to Cal and I usually say things without thinking about them. I tried to be pre-Cal Lauren. I wanted him to see that I’m not psychotic. Maybe in the back of my head I’ve sort of shown him what I imagined he wanted me to be. I haven’t been dishonest about who I am but he certainly hasn’t seen me in my full glory which laughable since his fiancé is complete... I won’t even go there but what he’s just said strikes something in me and the tight rope that’s been holding me together from letting the old Lauren, Cal’s Lauren rearing her head. I don’t know if it’s the city, the fact that I’m hungry and tired from sitting in a waiting room for three hours or the fact that what he just said is so out of character from the man I used to know but the kids gloves are coming off.

  “You don’t have to do anything Chris.” He is caught off guard by the bluntness of my statement.

  “You always have a choice in life. You don’t have to do that assignment if you don’t want to. You could crumple up the paper and throw it out the window right now. You could go back and tell her you aren’t going to do it; you can walk away from this doctor and never look back,” I say looking him directly in the eye. I expect him to give some sort of response but he doesn’t, he just shrugs and chuckles. Now I am pissed off.

  “Did you want to get something to eat before we hit the highway or wait till we get home?” he asks as a quiet yawn escapes his mouth. The next moment he rests his head against his arms as they drape over the steering wheel. His sleepy green eyes look downward and a small smile spreads across his face; and, just like that, my anger disappears. He doesn’t want to debate, fight or piss me off he just wants peace, and I feel a warm calmness spread through my body.

  “I can wait,” I say. It’s funny, how ridiculous I can be. I was angry for nothing really.

  “But you look tired. Are you sure you’re up for the drive back with no rest?” I ask him.

  “I’m good,” he says yawning again and I laugh aloud this time.

  “I have an idea, and you are under no obligation to say yes if you don’t want,” I start with a disclaimer. He looks at me apprehensively, but I can tell that I’ve piqued his interest

  “Our…My house is less than fifteen minutes away,” I continue. His face remains impassive, and I take that to be a good omen.

  “We could order some food and get a couple of hours of sleep before hitting the road again,” I finish giving him my most innocent smile.

  “You might even be able to knock your homework out in one day,” I say giving him a little nudge.

  “Why not?” he says simply. That was easier than I thought it would be. Sometimes he does surprise me.

  Chapter 13

  Chris

  I’ve only been to Chicago once, in high school for a class science trip before all of this happened, that I can remember. So, it was a little eerie that I was able to drive to Lauren’s house without directions. I wanted to think it was just a fluke, but honestly it was more like I was on auto-pilot. The visit with the doctor really drained me, and I just drove without thinking.

  Lauren tells me to stop in front of the building addressed 304. I do as she instructs, and when I look at it I’m astonished. There are at least thirty floors, and it looks more like an expensive hotel than an apartment building.

  “This is it?” I’m sure she has noticed my apprehension, she gives me a nod and a beautiful smile. “Where do I park?” I ask. But before she can respond there’s a guy in a suit near my door.

  “He’ll park it,” she says and gestures for me to let down the window.

  “Hi James, can you take it around please” Lauren replies.

  “Of course Mrs. Scott,”

  “Good evening sir,” he says opening my door.

  “How are you?” I’m not really sure how to act.

  “Wonderful and you?” he says,

  “Great,” I reply looking over at Lauren in disbelief.

  “You can get out, it’s in good hands” Lauren’s tone is playful and I notice the man is returning her smile. I feel left out of the joke.

  “Do you need any help upstairs,” he asks.

  “I’ve got it” I tell James as I step out of the car.

  “Have a great night James” she says as we head to the entrance of the building.

  “What about the keys?” I ask.

  “They’ll send them up,” she’s amused by my uncertainty. I follow her into the building and we head to the elevator. This can’t be an apartment building. I feel like I should be paying something to walk in.

  “This is nice,” I whisper feeling like I’m in a museum.

  “You have good taste,” and she winks at me as the elevator closes.

  “I picked this place?” I can’t believe that I would pick a place like this. When she presses the button for the thirtieth floor I take a deep breath. I think I might be sick. .

  “You’d been here a few months before we met” she smiles at me. It’s a little weird how she’s not saying Cal but me. As the elevator makes its way up I put one of my hands on the wall and take a few more deep breaths.

  “Are you okay?” she asks nervously and I nod my head.

  “Yeah, I just don’t really like high places” I say swallowing the sick feeling in my stomach. Her eyes widen in surprise.

  “I forgot you’re afraid of heights?” she says covering a laugh.

  “I wouldn’t necessarily say afraid, more like I hate them, “I say with a laugh. But, if we go any higher I’m going to throw up.

  “Well, I may need to get curtains or something then,” she says exiting the elevator once it stops.

  “Why is that?”

  “You’ll see,” she says with a slight giggle. When she opens the do
or to the apartment my jaw hits the floor as she turns on the lights.

  “This is it” she says as she closes the door behind her.

  She’s watching me waiting for a response. If I didn’t feel like I walked into someone else’s life before, I definitely do now. Everything in this place screams expensive. For one it’s huge and I even know space equals money in the city. There’s a seventy inch, television and leather furniture that looks imported, a kitchen where everything is stainless steel and modern. It looks like a show room or bachelor pad except for the play pen and toys scattered about…

  “I’m pissed! Just leave me alone Cal!” Lauren says snatching away from me but I grab her and push her up against the window our bodies pressed against each other.

  “I don’t think that’s what you want” I say as my hands go underneath her dress and my fingers slip inside her. She moans as I do.

  “Now I know that’s not what you wan,t” I whisper into her. She reaches down to move my hand but I just move it away with my other hand and go deeper into her. After a minute she relents spreading her thighs.

  “I haven’t seen you in two weeks. You make me sick! I’m not screwing you tonight,” she says bitterly in between soft moans.

  “Not a problem. I’ll screw you.”

  “What do you think?” her voice pulls me out of I don’t know what to call it, a trance, fantasy or shit! I look at her trying to keep my expression calm and unaffected by what I just saw. I look at the window the exact place where I-he held her. It’s been awhile since I’ve seen things this way. Recently the way I see things, these memory are like second hand as if I’m watching, this time it was like I was there,…doing those things.

  “Can I get a glass of water or something?” I ask my voice is shaky. She looks at me curiously for a minute but then she nods.

  “Sure,” she says as she makes her way to the kitchen. I try to forget about what I just saw, how hot her skin was, how good she smelled and felt.

  “Kittens, grandma, Spongebob, rats, math,” I mumble trying to think of every turn off I can. When I look up and see her heading towards the spot I’m standing in by the window, the spot I just saw her pinned up against I make a beeline to the couch. She looks a little caught off guard stopping mid-way.

  “Are you okay?” she asks a little nervous.

  “I’m good,” I say folding my hands together. She smiles tightly and hands me the glass of water. I finish it in record time.

  “This must be weird huh?” she asks her voice light but a little shaky. She has no idea, but then again maybe she does.

  “A little bit,” I answer gripping the glass tighter in my hand.

  “I guess I need to show you around,” she smiles and sweeps a piece of hair from on her face.

  “Cool,” I say.

  “Well this is pretty self-explanatory,” she gestures towards the living room and kitchen area.

  “There’s a bathroom right there,” she points to what I thought was a closet in the far corner. She heads up the stairs and I follow her. Her butt is right at eye level now, and I try not to stare at it. As I follow her every move I find myself struggling with the urge to grab it.

  What the hell is wrong with me?

  Thank God we’re up the stairs so I’m no directly behind her. We walk down the hall to the right and she opens the door.

  “Caylen’s room,” she says. She steps aside for me to walk in. I do but only half way. It’s pink. There’s a rocking chair and a book case filled with kids books and glowing stars on the wall and ceiling.

  “Cute,” I laugh and she smiles. The next stop is a small bathroom and then she stops in front of two doors. She hesitates, and lets out a sigh then opens the doors.

  “This is my room,” she says quietly. She stands aside for me to go in. It’s really big, bigger than mine. There’s floor to ceiling windows lining the entire left side and a door to a patio. In the center of the room is a gigantic bed. I recognize the black ceiling fan from that…dream or maybe not so much a dream. On the right side of the room is I see double doors I imagine to be the closet and a single door I assume is the bathroom.

  “This is a really nice place,” I admit stuffing my hands in my pocket.

  “Yeah, thanks,” she sort of laughs then shakes her head.

  “You picked out everything in this apartment, well almost...even me” she chuckles then her expression shatters.

  “Bad joke, really bad joke” she says covering her face.

  “No it wasn’t that bad, maybe work on your delivery a little” I joke touching her hands and moving them from covering her face.

  Don’t ever hide that beautiful face from me again.

  The moment is brief but I just saw her, sitting a table in a diner her hands over her face just how they were now, but he was he one removing them.

  “Are you going to let go?” she whispers, and I wonder how long I’ve been holding her hands.

  “I’m sorry,” I say feeling like an idiot stepping away from her.

  “What just happened Chris?” she asks apprehensively.

  “Nothing, I just” I stumble over my words but she’s obviously not buying it. She just sighs a little.

  “I’m going to order some food? Chinese okay?” she asks moving from the space we just shared in the doorway.

  “Yeah, that’s great,” before I can even finish my statement she’s heading down the stairs.

  Ugh, that wasn’t awkward at all.

  This trip was supposed to help me find something I like about him so far it’s making me do the opposite, I know it’s him doing this, ruining everything throwing bits and pieces of memories at me at the most awkward time possible.

  No need for me to interfere. You’re screwing this up all by yourself.

  There it is again! I close the door behind me and walk over to the needlessly large mirror and stare at it.

  “You are an asshole!” I say into it. “And I can’t wait to get rid of you!”

  Such language, Chris. Sorry to tell you, but the mirror isn’t going to talk back. We don’t have hallucinations.

  “Go away. Right now!” My anger is getting the best of me.

  But we haven’t had any fun yet.

  “This is fun for you? Making me talk to myself, driving me crazy, destroying Laurens life is fun for you?”

  “Chris who are you talking to?” Lauren says her voice slightly raised. How much did she hear?

  I really am going crazy.

  “My parents,” I say pulling my phone out of my pocket.

  “I was letting them know we were taking a break before heading back,” I say quickly.

  She looks at me skeptically but a few seconds later her worried expression disappears. She tells me that the food will be here in a half hour, but before she walks away she asks if I’d like her to shut the door. She thinks I’m crazy. I tell her I’ll be down in a minute, then turn to go into the bathroom. She just looks at me and walks away. She knows I’m crazy.

  Great idea coming here.

  Lauren

  Something is going on with him. I don’t know what it is, but he seems nervous and a little timid. I was going to the room to ask him what type of Chinese he wanted me to order for him and I heard him talking or better yet arguing. I didn’t hear exactly what was going on but whatever it was he was livid. I’ve never heard him that angry before. He said he was talking to his parents but I just don’t see how that could be the case unless he just hung up on them as soon as I came in the room.

  I wonder if it was a good idea coming here, bringing him to the house and letting him see our life. He had just seen his doctor maybe this was too much too soon, but he looked so tired in the car. Now he doesn’t look tired he looks annoyed, maybe even a little paranoid. His appetite is normal though since he’s eaten two plates of Chinese food but he’s been so quiet I don’t really know what to make of it. No jokes, no short stories he’s looks like he’s in deep thought and it’s causing the tension in the air to be he
avy.

  “How do you like the food?” I ask him even though he’s been devouring it. I want him to say something, to break whatever reverie he’s in. It’s almost like he’s reverted back to the man who showed up at my hotel room after I exploded on his front porch. I definitely don’t want us to go back there.

  “It’s really good. I’m stuffed now,” he says washing down his food with the glass of orange soda.

  “I’m glad you liked it,” I say starting to clean up the table.

  “I don’t need a nap if you just want to hit the road in a few,” he says standing and stretching. I look back at him surprised as I throw away the take out containers. Usually after most people eat as much as he did, especially Chinese, they could sleep for a while. Now he’s ready to hit the road? Once I turn all the way around I have to admit he looks alert, the anxiousness and worried look that was on his face is gone. Maybe it’s just being here is what makes him uncomfortable. I try to pretend like that doesn’t bother me. Cal and I had a lot of fights and tough times in this house but so many good ones as well. The idea that being here makes Chris so distressed, doesn’t bode well and I wonder if he’ll find anything good about Cal.

  “What did you do with his stuff?” he asks as he walks up beside me to throw away his own plate. I wish he wouldn’t stand so close to me. Actually I wish he would stand much closer, but I’m trying to ignore the fact that whenever he’s near me my body becomes alive. Every nerve ending in my body awakens and begs to be touched. I’m learning to tune them out, each day it gets a little easier. But today it’s a little harder. Especially when he’s standing so close looking down at me in the very room where he did so many things that my body remembers and misses.

  Stop it Lauren!

  “What did you say?” I ask. I’m so caught up in my own thoughts I can’t remember what he just asked me.

  “His things, when I looked around up stairs. I didn’t go in your closet or anything but it looks like it’s just you and Caylen that live here. Do you still have his stuff?” he asks stuffing his hands into his pocket. Oh that’s what he was saying.