by Chad Kultgen
chapter
five
Karen’s menstrual cycle was fairly regular. It had been this way since she got her first period in junior high school. She would occasionally skip a period. It wasn’t common for her to do so, but it did happen. But only one of those occasions came after she became sexually active. She was a freshman in college, and she had engaged in unprotected sex a few times with a fellow student who became her first college boyfriend.
The month after these initial unprotected sexual encounters, Karen did not get her period. When she began to suspect she was pregnant, she went to the campus health center, only to find out that she wasn’t. The doctors there told her that it’s not uncommon for girls entering their freshman year of college to miss a period due to the stress of such an extreme change in their lives. The doctors also said that an increased intake of alcohol and drugs can be contributing factors. Although Karen didn’t admit this to the doctors, she felt that this second explanation was far more plausible in her case.
Paul had already gotten out of bed, made himself breakfast, and left for work by the time Karen woke up. She could still smell the bacon he cooked. She knew she had missed her period the month before, which she attributed to mounting stress concerning her dissertation. But she was now aware that a week had passed since her period was due again, which meant that she had missed her second period in a row. This was something she had never experienced. After checking her phone’s calendar to see that she had only one afternoon class to teach, she decided to spend the morning buying and taking a pregnancy test, just to be on the safe side.
Once inside her neighborhood CVS, she paused for a moment to really absorb the experience. It was the first time she had ever purchased a pregnancy test, and she viewed it as a strange kind of a rite of passage—something that was available to women only recently in the overall timeline of humanity. She tried to imagine what it must have been like before pregnancy tests, before women had options. Then she tried to imagine what it would be like for women in the future. She wondered if it would be better, if there would be some kind of male birth control, if there would be no social stigma associated with an abortion, or if it would be worse. She knew it was possible that the future could see a return to more restrictive laws and social norms where reproduction was concerned, where a woman’s freedom was concerned. In Karen’s mind it was completely plausible that the next superpower to govern the world after America could be any one of the currently existing misogynistic societies around the globe. Without any foreknowledge of what might be in store for future generations, she considered herself lucky to live in the time she did.
She made her way to the family planning aisle and realized she didn’t know enough about the variety of pregnancy tests to make a quick selection. As she looked over the dozen or so possible choices and read the back of some of the boxes, Karen became aware of other CVS patrons watching her. She didn’t know if this was an accurate assessment of the situation, but it felt accurate. She questioned her uneasiness in this moment, but she gave into it nonetheless, grabbing a First Response test without inspecting it and walking to the front.
Paul always made some derogatory comment about automation being the downfall of society when they encountered self-checkout machines in grocery stores, but Karen was glad that CVS had an entire bank of them as she purchased her pregnancy test. But as she walked back to her car, she mentally scolded herself for feeling any shame at all about her purchase.
At home, as she sat on the toilet urinating onto the plastic stick, she knew what she would do if she was, in fact, pregnant. She would have an abortion. Both she and Paul had discussed with certainty how neither of them ever wanted children. This made the possible positive result of the pregnancy test seem more like an injury or illness that Karen would have to seek medical care to treat. In her mind it was more of a significant and horribly unpleasant inconvenience than a life-changing decision.
She pulled her pants back up and stood in the bathroom for the three minutes the box indicated were necessary for the hormones from her urine to react with the chemicals on the stick. As the final seconds of those three minutes ticked by, Karen watched two pink lines materialize in the small oval window at the end of the stick. She said, “Fuck,” and flipped open her laptop to Google the nearest Planned Parenthood.
She found that the Hollywood Health Center was the closest to her. As she called to make an appointment, she soothed herself by rationalizing that the Hollywood Planned Parenthood office had probably done more abortions than any Planned Parenthood in the country, so their skill level should be high at least. She made an appointment for the following day, and then called Tanya and asked her to come over. She told Tanya that she had big news.
Karen knew that Tanya didn’t share her views on abortion, and she also knew that the situation had more innate gravity than she was willing to acknowledge. “Guess what?” she said to her friend when she arrived.
Tanya said, “What?”
Karen said, “I’m preggers!”
“Wait, what?”
“I know. It sucks. I don’t know what happened. There were a few days two months ago when I had the flu and I didn’t take my pill, but Paul didn’t come inside me for at least a week or so after that. Anyway, doesn’t matter now. What’s done is done.”
“Holy shit. What did Paul say?”
“He doesn’t really, uh, know at this point.”
“Holy shit. You have to tell him.”
“Stop holy shitting me and calm down. I don’t have to tell him at all. I obviously have to do something, but telling him is not that something.”
“That’s not cool. That’s his baby, too.”
“It’s not anybody’s baby right now. It’s not even a fucking baby at all. It’s a little ball of snot stuck to the wall of my uterus. That’s it.”
“You can’t be serious. You’re really not going to tell him about it?”
“No, I’m not. And neither are you.”
“Why wouldn’t you tell him?”
Until that moment, Karen hadn’t thought about why she didn’t want to tell her boyfriend about the pregnancy. Practically, the situation would be resolved by the end of the following day. She didn’t see the need to involve Paul. But beyond that, she realized that she was feeling a certain amount of shame, guilt, and embarrassment for having gotten pregnant in the first place. She thought about all the conversations she and Paul had about not having children, about all the times they had laughed at their friends when they replaced their Facebook profile pictures with sonograms, about how they each hated the idea of willingly replacing themselves. This one shared view was something they took pride in and had built at least some part of their relationship around.
She felt that the pregnancy was somehow her fault, an easily preventable mistake. She knew logically this wasn’t the case, but she couldn’t help how she felt. On top of that, she knew that there was at least some chance that if Paul should find out about the pregnancy and the abortion that would follow, it might alter their relationship. Even though Karen knew that Paul would agree with her decision and take her to the appointment and care for her after the procedure, she felt it was better to leave him out of it. This wasn’t an experience she wanted him to have to share.
Karen said, “I just don’t want him to know, okay?”
Tanya said, “Obviously, I’ll do whatever you want me to, but I’m telling you, you should seriously think about telling him. I know you’re probably trying to downplay this in your head, but it’s is a bigger deal than you think.”
“No, it’s really not, and that’s how it’s going to stay.”
“Okay, fine.”
“And I need you to take me to Planned Parenthood tomorrow.”
“What? I’m not helping you get an abortion.”
“I went to church with you that one time your boyfriend dumped you on Easter.”
“I can’t believe you’re making jokes about this.”
“I’m sorry. I know this is seriously against everything you stand for and all of that shit. But I really need your help, Tanya. You’re my best friend, and I called you because you’re the only person I want to know about it. You’re the only person I really trust. Will you help me, please?”
“Are you serious right now?”
“Yes.”
Tanya took a moment, exhaled a long breath, gave Karen a hug, and then said, “You know the fucking irony here, right? As a Christian, I have to help you when you’re in need and I can’t pass judgment. So I’ll take you. But I don’t agree with this at all. At all.”
“I know you don’t, and that’s why you’re my best friend.”
That night Karen ate dinner with Paul, watched television with Paul, and had sex with Paul without telling him that she was pregnant with his child. While they had sex he said, “I think your boobs are getting bigger.” Karen denied it, even though she knew he was right. Her bras had been getting tighter. She knew that after the following day, her hormones would return to their normal levels and her breasts would return to their normal size. Karen knew that this would be the closest Paul would ever come to finding out she was pregnant.
As Paul slept, Karen remained awake, building dread by imagining the procedure she’d have to endure the following day. She rubbed a hand over her stomach in small circles and thought to herself that this would very likely be the only interaction she would have with a child of her own.
chapter
six
Proverbs 12:11: Whoever works his land will have plenty of bread, but he who follows worthless pursuits lacks sense.
This was the opening line of James Dobbs’s profile on ChristianMingle.com. James had studied this specific line from the Bible since he was a child. It had always held special meaning for him. Throughout his childhood and early adulthood he had felt contempt for his peers because he felt that many of them followed worthless pursuits while he worked his metaphorical land. He felt that this proverb was the simplest and best way to describe himself, the life he led, and the future he hoped to share with a wife. The work ethic he created based on these words was something that he tried to apply to every aspect of his life.
Even though his year-long membership on ChristianMingle.com had yielded him only two dates, neither of which led to a second date, James logged in to his account every night before work and made a habit of sending at least five personal messages to women with whom the site had matched him. He felt that God would not simply place his wife in front of him. He had to show God that he was ready for her and that he was willing to work in order to get her. God had to know that he was deserving of such a blessing.
In the first six months James was active on the site, he sent a standard cut-and-paste message to every woman he felt was a good match for him. It read:
“Hello. My name is James Dobbs. I haven’t been on this site for very long, but after reading your profile it seems like we’re a pretty good match and I’d love to get to know you more. If you find my profile interesting, please message me back. —James”
The message took James several nights to craft. He was unsure of what a good first message on an Internet dating site should include. In the end, he decided that keeping it short was the best strategy. He never received any replies to this message, however, and after reading complaints on several prospective matches’ profiles that they were tired of having their inboxes filled with meaningless cut-and-paste messages from guys who clearly hadn’t taken the time to read their profiles, James abandoned his standard message strategy. He rationalized that if he was sincerely going to work the land of ChristianMingle.com, he should put in the time required to personalize each of his messages.
His first message of the night was sent to a woman with the username “ChicaDeJesus.” She was five foot three, Caucasian, twenty-five years old, had a bachelor’s degree, and worked as a nurse. She described herself as having a goofy sense of humor and loving animals, including her two cats. She claimed to be looking for a hard-working guy who would be a good provider for the family she wanted to start as soon as possible. Jim imagined himself married to ChicaDeJesus, sitting in the backyard of some house he didn’t yet have, watching their children run around after church squirting each other with water guns.
He wrote:
“Hi. I saw your profile and it seems like we have a lot of things in common. I really like comedy movies and it seems like you do, too. I don’t have cats but I really like them and have no allergies or anything like that. Where do you nurse at?”
James felt that ending the message with an innocuous question about something he could only have learned by reading her profile increased his chances of receiving a response. He sent two similar messages to two similar profiles before he saw the small Christian Mingle instant messenger window open up in the bottom right of his screen. James was receiving an instant message from a user named “Eyesofblue.” He saw that she was five foot seven, Caucasian, twenty-eight, and had graduated from high school, though she listed no job. James had always initiated first contact with women on this site, and he began to wonder if this could be the sign from God that he had been waiting for.
Eyesofblue’s message read, “What do you do for a job? You don’t have it listed.”
James explained that he worked at the mall in Topeka.
Eyesofblue replied, “Like in a store?”
James explained that he worked at the Dillard’s department store.
Eyesofblue replied, “Do you sell stuff? Like suits or something?”
James explained that he worked nights as part of the cleaning crew for that store, mainly, but sometimes they also cleaned other stores in the mall or the mall itself if the regular mall cleaning crew was unavailable, which happened a few times a year.
Eyesofbue replied, “Are you trying to save up money to move to Kansas City or something?”
James explained that he was not.
Eyesofblue replied, “Are you going to school?”
James explained that he was not.
Eyesofblue replied, “Oh. You just want to clean Dillard’s forever? Lol.”
James explained that the job paid his bills, and if the Lord had different plans for him, then James was sure the Lord would let him know.
Eyesofblue replied, “True. So what do you do when you’re not working?”
James explained that he spent his free time either in church or reading for the most part. He then asked Eyesofblue what she did in her free time.
Eyesofblue replied, “Watch TV, I guess. So are you busy this weekend?”
James explained that he was not.
Eyesofblue replied, “Maybe you should ask me out, then.”
James had never encountered a girl so forward. He wondered if God had sent her his profile and then compelled her to message him. He wondered if Eyesofblue was his soul mate. He asked her if she would like to get dinner with him.
Eyesofblue replied, “OMG! You read my mind. Lol. I’d love to.”
They exchanged phone numbers, made plans for their date, and then James logged off. As he polished the floor in Dillard’s that night, he prayed to God to help him decide what he should wear on what would be his first date in almost a year.
chapter
seven
Karen had instructed Tanya to pick her up at 10:00 A.M., an hour and a half after Paul left for work. Karen assumed this buffer time would ensure that Paul wouldn’t find out about her clandestine plan, preventing Tanya from having to lie about why she was at their place, if the two ran into each other. Tanya arrived on time and tried to stop herself from initiating any kind of conversation about the events at hand. She told herself she was just going to be a good friend. She told herself that she would remain neutral. She told herself this wasn’t about her or what she thought should be done. But she couldn’t help herself.
The drive to Planned Parenthood was silent at first. Then, about ten minutes in, Tanya said, “I know you don’t want to hear t
his, but I have to make sure you’ve really thought this through. It’s only been a day since you even found out. You can take some more time before you decide anything.”
Karen said, “I don’t need to think about it anymore. I’ve thought about this my entire adult life. I made the decision before I ever even got pregnant.”
“I know. I know. It’s just that there’s no harm in waiting another week, and who knows? You might change your mind. Some kind of motherly instinct might kick in or something.”
“That’s why I need to do it now. If there’s even the slightest possibility that some flood of mom hormones might make me change my mind, I need to make sure I take care of this first.”
“That’s a really shitty thing to say.”
“Why is that shitty? I think making an informed decision based on logic and reason is far better than basing it on hormonal fluctuation and emotion.”
“Okay, robot. I’m obviously here for you and I’m obviously supportive of you, but, I mean, don’t you think about the baby at all? That baby can’t speak for itself. Don’t you feel like as a human being you have even the slightest obligation to let it live?”
“Here we go. I still don’t know how or why you champion that pro-life bullshit rhetoric. You know the people at the heart of the pro-life camp—not you and the regular people who just don’t like abortion, but the ones who get laws passed and try to shut down Planned Parenthood—those fucking pieces of shit are the ones who started that whole line of reasoning. The baby can’t defend itself, so we have an obligation to defend them. Those fucks don’t give two shits about the unborn babies they’re supposedly saving. All they care about is control. They have to control women, and having women with the freedom to choose what to do with their bodies is a scarier proposition to them than letting women vote. Because on some very primal level, men see it as women controlling life, controlling the future of the species, and they certainly can’t have that. And somehow their bullshit has sunk into your head and stuck. I know this is just one of those things between us that will probably stay like this until we die, and I’ve learned to accept it, but please, for the love of your God, the one who tells you not to judge people and to be accepting and loving of everyone, can we just check this conversation today? Just today. Just let me get through this, and then you can tell me how bad it is to take the choice away from a blob of cells all you want.”
