Under the King's Command

by Ingrid Weaver

  As far as her body was concerned, there was no debate. There never had been. The physical pull she felt toward him was stronger than ever.

  But it wasn't that simple. The past they shared was the source of their bond.. .and it was also what stood between them.

  She dropped her gaze to the bruised rose in her lap before she finally replied. "There are things you don't know, Sam. Things about the past."

  "Then tell me. Help me to understand why you keep pushing me away."

  "I can't."

  "Sure, you can." His hands closed over her shoulders. "What happened?"

  "It doesn't matter now. It's over."

  "No, it isn't. You woke up crying."

  "Forget it."

  "It's clear that you haven't forgotten it. Tell me, and you might be able to stop running."

  The rose blurred as she blinked back a fresh wave of tears. Was he right? Did he hold the key to releasing her from the past?

  Tell him. Once more the urge crept into her mind, and this time, it wouldn't go away. Her heart pounded. Why was she fighting this? What was she so afraid of? So what if Sam condemned her for what she'd concealed? If he turned away, if he rejected her, that would solve one problem, wouldn't it? She wanted him out of her life, didn't she?

  Well, didn't she?

  "Kate?"

  She lifted her gaze to his. "I just want you to remember that I kept my promise, Sam."

  "What promise?"

  "Five years ago I promised to give you an easy goodbye."

  "I know what we said. It was a mistake. We never should have—"

  "Please, Sam. Just remember that I kept my word."

  "All right."

  "That's why I didn't tell you about the baby."

  Chapter 11

  It was like doing a night dive into forty-degree water. Sam felt the shock flow over him, freezing his lungs. He stared at Kate as he struggled for breath. "Baby?"

  "It happened on our last night together," she said. "We weren't as careful as we should have been. We ran out of condoms and—"

  "Baby?" His grip on her shoulders tightened. "You got pregnant? With my baby?"

  "Yes."

  He dropped his gaze to her stomach. "We made a child together?"

  "I don't know how many other ways to say it, but—"

  "A baby. Our baby." He released her shoulders and put his hand over her stomach. He splayed his fingers, imagining Kate's taut, firm body swelling with a life they had created. "We made a child. My God, Kate. I have a child?"

  "Sam—"

  "I'm a father?" The ice switched to fire. Something hot and primal stirred inside him. It was too savage to be called joy. He felt dizzy. "A father."

  "Sam, stop." She pushed his hand off her stomach. "Listen to me."

  Kate's voice seemed to be coming from a great distance. He inhaled deeply, trying to clear his head.

  "Sam, you're not a father. Our baby didn't.... I didn't—" Her voice broke.

  "What?"

  "I miscarried when I was six months along. I lost the baby."

  His head was reeling. It was too much to take in all at once. He had just grasped the fact that they'd created a life. How could that life already be gone?

  "I tried, Sam. I tried to get to the hospital but I was too late. They couldn't save him."

  Him? They'd had a boy? A son? He felt a renewed spark of savage happiness before it was submerged beneath a wave of loss.

  "I'm sorry," Kate whispered. Fresh tears flowed down her cheeks. "I'm sorry."

  Her anguish penetrated the haze of his roiling emotions. Without hesitation he slipped his arms around her and drew her against his chest. "Ah, Kate. My Kate."

  "He was too small. They said he didn't have a chance." Her words were muffled as she buried her face in the crook of his neck. "I tried."

  "I'm sure you did."

  "It happened so fast."

  He felt his shirt grow damp from her tears, and his heart turned over. Kate never cried, but this was twice in one day... Something fell into place. "The nightmare you were having when I got here. This is what you were dreaming about."

  "I always dream about it. I'm always too late."

  He stroked her head, her back, trying to give comfort. A baby. They had conceived a child and it had died before it could live. He felt as if a part of him that he hadn't known he possessed had just been torn away. "Oh, Kate, I wish I'd been there for you."

  "It wouldn't have made any difference."

  "You shouldn't have gone through this alone. All that pain—"

  "You couldn't have helped."

  "We both made the baby."

  "That didn't matter. I did what we'd agreed."

  His hand stilled. I kept my promise, she'd said. "Kate, when we agreed to say goodbye, we hadn't known there was a baby. That would have changed everything."

  She pulled away from him and slid to the other side of the bed. She got to her feet and shrugged on a silk robe. For a moment she stood in silence, bending her head as she concentrated on tying a knot in the belt of the robe. "There was no need for you to know about my miscarriage," she said finally. "I handled it by myself."

  He stood up and rounded the bed, reaching for her hand. "No one should have to go through that on their own. I should have been there to take my share of your pain."

  "I managed. It's over. I got on with my life."

  Her words were clipped and matter-of-fact, but her cheeks still gleamed with tears. "No, you didn't," he said. "It still hurts, doesn't it?"

  "I managed," she repeated. "I was doing fine until a week and a half ago. Finding the prince's baby and seeing you again stirred the memories up, that's all."

  He passed his knuckle under each of her eyes to catch her tears. "No, you weren't doing fine, Kate. You don't smile. You don't play. You're still keeping the pain inside."

  Her lips trembled. She stepped away from his touch and crossed her arms. "I deal with it, Sam."

  "Why didn't you tell me?" he asked gently. "If I'd known you were pregnant..."

  "You would have done what?" She took another step back and lifted her chin. "Would you have jeopardized your future with the SEALs before your first training mission so you could come running to my side? We'd already been through the reasons we wanted to say goodbye. You had put off your dreams for too long and you were finally going to have your freedom. My pregnancy wasn't your concern."

  "My God, Kate. How can you say that? What kind of man do you think I am? I wouldn't have turned my back on you. I would have taken responsibility."

  "And what would that have meant?"

  He didn't even have to think about the answer. It came full blown into his mind. "We would have been married."

  "Married?" She tightened her belt. "Our relationship was about sex, remember? Simple, no-strings sex."

  "Well, yes, but—"

  "And you still haven't changed your mind about that, have you? You came here this morning because you wanted more of the same. What was it you said? Getting together when we were on leave? Having fun? That's no way to raise a child."

  "Kate, you're not being fair. A baby would have changed everything."

  "Getting married only for the sake of a child leads to disaster. That's what my parents did, and I know firsthand it doesn't work. I would have raised my child alone and given him enough love for two parents instead of making everyone miserable by forcing an instant family on a man who hadn't planned to settle down."

  Her words struck a chord in his memory. He thought back to their conversation at the palace when the royal family had been celebrating baby Luke's homecoming. Kate had said the same thing then when they'd been talking about the prince and Jessica.

  Only they hadn't really been talking about the prince and Jessica, had they?

  Other snippets of memory started to click in his mind, small unexplained comments, odd reactions. Now that he knew the truth, he saw them from a whole new perspective.

  "You weren't ever going to te
ll me," he said, realization slowly dawning. "If you hadn't lost the baby, you wouldn't have told me I was a father."

  "It's what would have been best for everyone. I was fully prepared to give up my career in the Navy if I had to so I could provide my child a stable home."

  He looked at the way she lifted her chin—damn, he was starting to hate that gesture. He could see her pain, but she didn't want his comfort. She didn't want anything from him. While he'd carried her in his heart for five years, she'd already judged and condemned him. Kate. His Kate.

  Only she wasn't his Kate any longer, was she? Maybe she never had been. He must have deluded himself by idealizing her memory. The Kate he'd thought he'd known never would have... betrayed him like this.

  Yes, betrayed. That's how he felt. Conceiving a child was the most intimate of acts, but she had dismissed his part in it.

  "You would have raised our son by yourself," he said. "You would have kept me from my child."

  "You weren't ready to settle down. You still aren't."

  "That's not fair. You judged me without giving me a chance."

  "I wasn't willing to gamble my baby's future."

  "He was my baby, too. You had no right—"

  "How dare you say that? I'm the one who would have given up her dreams and turned her life upside-down for a child that wasn't planned. I'm the one who felt the butterfly kicks from a baby in my belly. I'm the one who left a trail of blood from the taxi to the operating room floor while you were off on an adventure in the Pacific somewhere, so don't you tell me about rights."

  Despite his growing resentment, he reached for her. "Oh, Kate."

  She batted his hand away and strode past him to the small table where he'd laid out their breakfast. She snatched his backpack from the floor. "I want you to leave now, Sam." "Kate..."

  She threw the pack at him and pointed at the door. "Get out."

  He caught the pack by one strap. "Why are you angry at me for something I didn't have any say in?" "You put the baby in me, Sam. It didn't get there by itself."

  "That's my point. I was his father. The choice of whether or not to tell me wasn't yours to make." "It was the right choice, damn it." "If you're so sure it was the right choice, Kate, then why do you still have nightmares?"

  * * *

  The flag in the center of the square snapped in a sudden gust. Kate glanced at the sky as she hurried toward the north building and the office that housed the command center. Clouds covered the sun, smothering its warmth, turning the morning to dull slate. The seagulls that rode the air currents over the base were more numerous than usual today. Their cries sounded like mocking laughter.

  The bleak weather suited Kate's mood. So did the birds.

  Whoever said that the truth would set you free? It didn't. It sucked you down into a tangle of questions that were better left buried. What on earth had she been expecting when she told Sam about the baby?

  She'd hoped for understanding. She'd feared condemnation. She hadn't anticipated seeing his joy.

  His reaction had been so swift, there was no doubt in her mind that it was real. His eyes had glowed with the news that he'd fathered a child. And his grief when he realized the child hadn't lived was as genuine as her own. Had she underestimated him? Had she misjudged him? What if she'd told him earlier? He'd said he would have married her. Could it have worked? Could he have grown to love her?

  A gull screamed a series of grating jeers. Kate winced.

  They were useless questions. Pointless thoughts. Love hadn't even been mentioned. And if the look on Sam's face when he'd left had been any indication, the topic of love wasn't likely to come up.

  Why had she lost her temper with him? Was it really him she was angry with, or herself?

  Or was she angry with the whole twisted situation? She'd spent a week and a half pushing him away. Now that she considered letting him get close to her again, she'd succeeded in driving him even further away.

  But that's what she'd wanted in the first place, wasn't it?

  Yes. No. Damn.

  She reached the entrance to the north building and grasped the handle of the door, only to have it wrenched out of her hand as it was pushed open. She sidestepped quickly, barely avoiding a collision with the man who was coming out.

  He caught her arms to steady her. "Sorry. I—" He paused. "Hello, Kate."

  Of course, the first person she saw would have to be him. Give the seagulls something else to laugh at. She looked at the place where he touched her, fighting a sudden urge to fall into his embrace.

  But she and Sam were no longer in her bedroom. They were in public, in full view of every building that ringed the square and every sailor who crossed it. "Sam."

  "I wasn't sure you were coming in today."

  "Why?"

  "You were upset when I left you."

  "I got over it."

  "Kate..."

  "We still have a mission to complete, Sam."

  He dropped his hands and stepped back.

  Oh, God, she hadn't meant to say it that way. But doing her duty was how she coped. It's what had forced her to get out of bed and get dressed on those dark days after the miscarriage and it was what filled her life now.

  She moved her gaze to Sam's face. His expression was shuttered. He didn't look like the same man who had brought breakfast and a rose to her quarters and who had greeted her with kisses mere hours ago. There was a distance between them. It was brittle and wary. It made her feel as if something precious had been broken.

  She had hurt him, she realized. She'd carried her secret for so long by herself and she'd been so wrapped up in her own pain, she hadn't considered the pain he would feel when he learned the truth. "Sam..."

  "You're right. We do have a mission to complete." He moved aside to give room to a pair of enlisted men who emerged from the building before he continued. "We got a call from the base hospital a few minutes ago."

  "The hospital?"

  "Petty Officer Thurlow was brought in this morning. That's where I'm heading. Excuse me," he said, starting off in that direction.

  It took a moment for Kate to switch mental gears. She hurried to catch up to Sam. "Thurlow?" she asked when she reached his side. "He's captaining a fishing boat in Sector C, right?"

  "Yes."

  "What happened? Was there an accident?"

  "It appears he was mugged. He was found in an alley. His watch and his money were gone."

  "How bad is he?"

  "He has a head wound and hasn't regained consciousness. The medics figure he has a concussion."

  "The crime rate in Montebello is low. Muggings aren't common occurrences."

  "So I've heard."

  "Do you think there could be more to it?"

  "That's what I hope to find out."

  They walked the rest of the way to the base hospital in silence. It wasn't an easy silence, but Kate didn't attempt to break it. She rubbed her arms. She wasn't sure whether the wind that curled around the buildings was getting colder or whether the coolness came from the man who strode beside her.

  Thurlow was in a curtained cubicle in the emergency ward. A white bandage circled his head and an IV bag dripped fluid into his arm. The doctor on duty reiterated what Sam had told Kate, then moved to his next patient, leaving them alone with the young officer.

  Sam stepped to Thurlow's side and laid his hand on his arm. "Petty Officer Thurlow," he said. "Tom, can you hear me?"

  There was no response. Not even the flicker of an eyelid.

  Sam leaned closer. "It's Lieutenant Coburn, Tom. I need you to tell me what happened."

  "He might be out for hours," Kate said.

  "Or he could wake up in the next minute."

  "Sure, but—"

  "I prefer not to assume the worst, Kate." He shot her a look from under his brows. "It's always better to give people a fair chance."

  She knew by the hard line of his jaw that he wasn't only talking about Petty Officer Thurlow. And she sensed the rift
between her and Sam gape wider.

  But she couldn't think of anything to say in reply. She could understand his bitterness. He'd only had a few hours to come to terms with something she'd been trying to resolve for five years. A few quick words weren't going to fix this.

  The curtain at the foot of the bed moved aside. The blond policewoman who had been handling the weather data for the fleet burst into the cubicle. "Tommy. Oh, my God, I—" She pulled up short when she saw Sam and Kate. "Oh. I just heard and... I hadn't known anyone else was here."

  "Hello, Sergeant Winters," Kate said.

  She glanced at Sam, her cheeks flushing, before she returned Kate's greeting. "How is he?"

  "According to the doctor, he's holding his own."

  "I heard he was mugged," Winters said. "I can't believe it. He was fine when we left the Flying Jib."

  "You saw him last night?" Sam asked.

  The sergeant nodded. She flicked Sam another quick glance but seemed unwilling to meet his gaze. Kate was momentarily puzzled—Shannon Winters hadn't been very subtle about her interest in Sam. Until now, she'd barely been able to keep her eyes off him.

  "What time did he leave?" Kate asked.

  "It was after midnight," she replied. "Maybe around one. I'm not sure of the time. I had..." She cleared her throat. "I had a little too much wine."

  "It happens," Sam said.

  Winters clutched the rail at the side of the bed. "It's embarrassing. Sometimes I do things... I wouldn't normal lydo."

  "I understand," Sam said.

  Winters gave him a tight smile. "Thanks."

  "No problem. Where did you and Thurlow go when you left the Jib?"

  Kate looked from Winters to Sam. She had the feeling there was a subtext to this conversation that she was missing.

  "Tom wanted to show me his boat," Winters said. "I, uh, left about an hour later. He was still there. He was asleep."

  "He was found in an alley near the harbor." Sam turned his attention to the motionless form on the bed. "I'm wondering whether there was a connection."

  "Do you think someone mugged him for the boat, not his money?" Kate asked.

  "Possibly."

  "That fishing boat he had been assigned to wouldn't normally interest a thief," Kate said. "Unless..."

  "Unless the thief was desperate for transportation," Sam finished.