Liquid & Ash

by E. M. Abel

  Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath.

  You can do this, Penelope. This isn’t about him. This is about you.

  I pressed my finger down before I had a chance to second-guess it.

  Sent.

  It was Sunday night, and I’d spent the day talking to my mom and sister about my upcoming trip to Ghana and my plans for when I got back.

  I tried not to think about Brandon, but it was no use.

  I picked up my old copy of Pride and Prejudice, ready to lie in bed and lose myself in another fantasy, just as someone knocked on my door. I’d been sure to lock it. Better safe than sorry.

  “Who is it?” I called out as I made my way toward the peephole.

  I didn’t need an answer. I looked through it and saw Brandon on the other side. I opened the door and felt that familiar tug in my heart.

  “Hey,” he said, his eyes traveling down my body.

  “Hey. What are you doing here?”

  “I missed you.”

  Those three words slipped right through my defenses, and I took a step back, letting him in. Induce was closed on Sundays, so we both had the night off.

  Brandon surprised me when he bent down, wrapped his arms around my waist, and kicked the door closed behind him. “You’re avoiding me again,” he said.

  “I know.”

  Leaning down, he brushed his lips over mine. “I hate how much I want you, how empty I am when you’re gone, and I’ve been punishing you for it. I’m sorry,” he whispered.

  I looked into his eyes, feeling the fear again. Reaching up, I held his face in my hands and pulled us closer together, hoping he still felt it, too. His fingers dug into my back as I kissed him.

  Let it mean something.

  Let it mean something.

  I knew I shouldn’t wish for such things. After all, I’d be leaving soon, and Brandon had made it clear that he wasn’t looking for any type of commitment, but I still had a desire to claim him. I wanted him to need me, to beg me to stay. I wanted to own a piece of his heart.

  Brandon groaned as my tongue found his. He walked me backward into the room until my ass hit the dining room table. A sense of urgency took over as I shut my laptop and shoved it aside. As he pulled away, his eyes found mine. He unbuckled his belt and shoved his pants down, his erection springing free from his briefs. My teeth raked over my bottom lip, and my attention lingered over his hips.

  His hands went to the waistband of my shorts and pulled. I lifted my hips, helping him remove them, before I took off my shirt, revealing my bare chest. My nipples instantly hardened from the cool air and his heated gaze. Bending forward, he took one into his mouth and swirled his tongue around the tip, sending waves of pleasure straight to my core. I rubbed myself against him, seeking friction between my legs, and he pressed his hips forward in response.

  “I want you inside me, Brandon. With nothing between us.” I hadn’t meant to say it out loud. It was just another thought, something I’d been hoping but never had the courage to ask for.

  I stopped moving as Brandon released me from his mouth and lifted his head.

  “Are you sure?”

  I nodded, knowing I was sure. I didn’t want anything between us. Ever.

  He searched my face before kissing me again, it was deeper and more passionate.

  I could feel his cock against my inner thigh, and I adjusted my hips, pressing him against my wet heat. I didn’t want to give him time to change his mind. I knew this wasn’t something he usually allowed. I knew he always kept a barrier between himself and the women he fucked.

  This time, I wanted more.

  “What are you doing to me?” he asked as he reached between us and guided himself inside me.

  My head fell back. I was so wet, so eager, to take him, and he felt exactly how I had known he would, like bliss.

  “Fuck, Penelope,” he growled next to my ear.

  He slowly pulled out and thrust himself back in, both of us gasping.

  “I don’t ever want to stop,” he breathed, punctuating every other word with his hips.

  I couldn’t respond. I was too high on him, on us together. My eyes rolled back into my head. I was like a junkie getting her fix as Brandon buried himself deep inside me before circling his hips. I felt his teeth bite into my shoulder as his muscles tightened. He was going to come. Brandon never came before me.

  “Fuck. Don’t move.”

  I tried to stay still as I panted under him, but my body wasn’t listening. My insides clenched around him, and I felt him shudder.

  “Shit. I’m gonna come. Are you close?”

  “Yes. God, yes.”

  “Good.”

  Brandon straightened his back, and I lay back on the table as he lifted my legs and pressed them together. I moaned so loud that it echoed against my walls. He wrapped his arm around my thighs and pulled them closer. I was so tight, and he was so hard. The friction between us was explosive. He pounded into me, and both of us lost all control as we came together in a different place, a moment made only of him and me.

  After using the bathroom and cleaning up, Brandon and I sat at my dining room table. He was smoking a cigarette, and I was trying not to stare at him. A part of me knew that our time together was limited, and I wanted to remember this. I wanted to remember all of him.

  “What?” he asked with a crooked grin.

  I shook my head and tucked my hair behind my ear.

  I should have talked to him about it. I should have asked him why we couldn’t have a normal relationship, why we couldn’t belong to each other, but I was scared of the answers he might give me. It was easier to pretend the future didn’t exist, that all we needed was now. And, honestly, I was scared to ask myself what I’d do if he did want me to be his.

  “Will you go somewhere with me?” I asked, giving him a coy smile.

  He squinted against the smoke as he looked at me. “Sure.”

  I loved how he never asked questions. He just agreed because he knew I wanted him to.

  I stood up and pulled my hair back into a ponytail.

  “Get your boots on,” I said, pushing my feet into my flip-flops.

  Brandon chuckled at my sudden excitement and held his cigarette between his teeth as he bent down to pull on his boots. I was getting impatient, so I knelt in front of him and tightened his laces before tying them. He let me, leaning back, as he took another drag. When I peered up at him, he was grinning at me with the most beautiful wonder in his eyes.

  “Let’s go.”

  He followed me outside and stood beside me as I unlocked my bike.

  “You remember that time I asked if you wanted to ride on my handlebars?” I peered at him over my shoulder.

  Brandon laughed. “You’re kidding.”

  “Don’t say it unless you mean it, remember?”

  I swung my leg over the bike and planted both feet on the ground before giving him a challenging smirk.

  He shrugged. “Okay. Let’s do it.”

  Walking over to me, Brandon straddled my front wheel and put his hands on the handlebar behind him. “Ready?”

  I planted my feet wide and tried to keep the bike balanced as he lifted himself off the ground and sat between my hands.

  “Whoa. Shit,” I said, laughing, as the bike started to fall.

  Brandon’s foot came out, and he caught himself before he ate concrete. “Have you done this before?” he asked, looking at me.

  I pulled the bike back into position. “Yeah, when I was, like, ten and with my sister, not with a buff six-foot man.”

  “Six foot one and a half,” he corrected as he positioned himself again. “Okay, on three, you start pedaling.”

  “Okay.”

  “One. Two. Three.”

  He lifted himself up just as I pedaled, and after a few wobbles, I finally got control of the bike, and we started moving.

  “I can’t see anything!” I shouted between laughs.

  We were only going up a small hill, and my le
gs were already burning. The bike was moving so slow. Brandon just hopped off the side, and I stopped, completely out of breath.

  He shook his head and laughed at my failed attempt at giving him a ride. “Here, let me.”

  I dismounted the bike and tilted the handlebars toward him, happy to give up my position.

  “Climb on,” he said after taking my place.

  I went in front with my back facing him and held on to the handlebar.

  “You ready?” he asked.

  “I hope so.”

  “One, two…three.”

  Hopping up, I sat on the handlebar just as he started pedaling. I screamed when he stood up and pumped his legs faster.

  “Hold on tight,” he said as he brought us up a hill. As he accelerated, the bike jerked from side to side.

  I laughed as I tightened my grip, trying not to be thrown off.

  When we finally reached the top, he slowed and told me, “Now, let go.”

  “What?” I shouted as I felt the bike going faster.

  “Let go! Hurry, before it’s too late.”

  I took a second to close my eyes, and then I slowly released my grip and lifted my hands out by my sides. Brandon howled behind me, and my cheeks hurt from smiling so wide. The night air whipped across my face as I finally let go, deciding to enjoy the ride.

  About thirty minutes later, Brandon and I were climbing up the water tower.

  “This view is amazing,” he said as he took a seat next to me on the rickety old ledge.

  “Isn’t it? This is my new favorite spot.”

  “I had no idea you were such a romantic.”

  He smiled teasingly, and I laughed as I shook my head. I looked out at the sky in front of us. A jet took off, and we both grew quiet as we watched it disappear into the darkness. The silence began to grow between us, filling up with all the words we weren’t saying. Reaching into my lap, Brandon took my hand and laced his LOVE through mine. I looked at our hands together and smiled. I scooted closer to him and rested my head on his shoulder.

  “I love the stars,” I said, tilting my head back, as I looked at the never-ending sea of them above us. “My dad used to take me and Liz to the beach when we were little. We’d lie in the bed of his old truck and just stare at the stars.”

  Brandon lifted his chin, and his eyes searched the sky. Maybe he was trying to see it the way I did.

  “That’s one of the only good things I remember about him,” I muttered.

  I noticed Brandon glance over at me, but he didn’t say anything. He probably thought I was trying to get him to open up, but I really just wanted him to know me.

  “He left us on my sixth birthday. When I woke up that morning, he was gone, but he called me later that night to wish me a happy birthday. I remember being so excited when I heard his voice on the line. I thought he was calling to tell me he was coming home. I was so relieved. But all he said was, ‘Happy birthday, baby girl,’ and then he hung up. I used to wait by the phone every year on my birthday, hoping he’d call back, but I haven’t spoken to him since.”

  By the time I finished, I realized Brandon was staring at me, his eyes intense and full of understanding. I could tell he got it. He understood how much that had hurt me, how devastating that was to the little girl I’d once been. He blinked and looked away, as if he were avoiding the memories my confession brought back for him.

  “Sorry. I’m not sure why I just told you that.” That was a lie.

  I’d told him because I wanted him to know I’d been broken, too, and he was safe with me.

  “You don’t have to apologize. I’m glad you told me,” he said, squeezing my hand, as our eyes met.

  I could feel something floating in the air between us, an energy and an acceptance that hadn’t been there before. I knew he could feel it, too. Taking a deep breath, I tried to suck the feeling into my lungs as I rested my head back on his shoulder and closed my eyes.

  I wanted to hold on to this for as long as I could.

  We had one day left before Brandon would board a plane for Scotland. He’d be gone for a week. It wasn’t much, but I knew it would feel like more. I’d gotten used to having him around. I’d grown accustomed to his company and addicted to the smell and taste of him. I only had twenty more days before I’d be on my way to Ghana.

  Twenty days. And Brandon will be gone for seven of them.

  Time was moving too fast, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. The closer it got, the more desperate and anxious I began to feel. It was hard to be easygoing when you knew you were on a road headed straight for destruction. I’d wanted to keep things light between us, but I’d failed.

  I was falling in love with the beautifully broken man lying next to me, and I didn’t know how to stop.

  “What are you thinking about?” he asked, his fingers tracing invisible lines on my arm.

  “I’m gonna miss you,” I admitted, my voice cracking a little, as my emotions bubbled over.

  Brandon turned onto his side, so we were facing each other, his eyes studying mine. He knew I wasn’t only referring to Scotland. I was sure it was written in the tone of my voice and the quiver of my chin.

  “I’ll miss you, too,” he whispered, his thumb coming out to wipe away the tear that had fallen across the bridge of my nose. “But we’ll always have this.”

  Leaning forward, Brandon pressed his warm, soft lips to mine, and I closed my eyes, willing to accept whatever he would give me.

  The power of his kiss was so strong that it was painful, especially since I knew it carried a good-bye behind it.

  “Will you do me a favor?” Brandon asked as he pulled his suitcase into the living room the next morning.

  “Okay.” I turned to face him as I tucked my legs under me on his couch.

  “Stop pouting.”

  I bit my bottom lip, and he grinned at me as he walked over. He leaned down for a kiss.

  “I’m only going to be gone for a week. You should use this time to get ready for your trip. I know you have a long list of shit to do, and I’ve only been distracting you from it. Take care of yourself. Don’t worry about me.”

  I nodded, trying to smile for him, and he squatted in front of me, so I couldn’t avoid his eyes.

  “You should be excited about this internship, Penelope. I hate that I’m ruining that for you. It’ll change your life. You can finally do something for yourself, something fulfilling, you know?”

  “Yeah, I know,” I murmured, glancing down at my lap.

  Shame washed over me as I realized he was right. I’d lost my focus so easily. I had found someone to love, and I’d begun to lose myself all over again. Only this time, I was with someone who didn’t want me to be lost.

  “I’ll cheer up. I promise,” I said, giving him a hug.

  He pulled back and held my face in his hands. “No promises.”

  Before I could respond, his mouth was on mine again, but this kiss was different. I felt it in my bones, and the caress of his tongue awakened an instant throbbing between my legs. I moaned as he took my bottom lip between his teeth, his hands going around to my ass and pulling me closer.

  I slipped my fingers into his beard, holding his jaw, as I kissed him back deeper. I wanted to make sure he left with the taste of me lingering on his tongue. His fingers dug into my ass, and I wrapped my legs around him, his body giving just the right pressure exactly where I needed it. I ground my hips against his. I was already wet for him, feeling empty and needy. He pressed himself between my legs, and I broke our kiss on a gasp.

  His lips trailed down my neck as I tilted my head back and panted. My eyes closed, and one of his hands moved to my breast and squeezed. A growl came from deep inside his chest before he leaned down and bit my hard nipple through my shirt. My breath hitched in my throat.

  “So fuckin’ gorgeous,” he whispered as he lifted my shirt. He covered the spot he’d just bitten with his warm mouth.

  He made circles with his tongue, and I did the same
with my hips, begging for more.

  “Please, Brandon. Oh God.”

  He ignored me though. I thought he enjoyed torturing me, watching me squirm and beg for more.

  I loved it.

  Brandon pulled my hips forward, surprising me, and I fell back onto the couch cushions. He quickly pulled off my shorts and panties, and he licked his lips and grinned at me devilishly.

  Leaning down, he spread me open with his fingers and wrapped his lips around my clit. My eyes rolled back into my head, and I moaned again, louder and uninhibited. He groaned in response, the vibrations of his deep voice echoing straight into my core.

  Oh God, don’t stop. Please don’t ever stop.

  I balled my hands into fists as his tongue flicked feverishly over my swollen, sensitive skin. My hips lifted off the couch of their own accord. His hands pressed them back down, and I whimpered in protest as he pulled his mouth away and teasingly flicked the very tip of his tongue against me.

  “Please,” I whined, my hips trying desperately to follow his mouth.

  The look of hunger and desire in Brandon’s eyes would be enough to make me come. He kept his gaze locked to mine as he slid two of his fingers inside me, excruciatingly slow. I pressed my hands onto my breasts, trying to find some relief, as I pinched my nipples between my fingers.

  Once his were all the way inside, he curled them and rubbed them back and forth. I cried out when he leaned forward and took me back into his mouth. His tongue moved at the same pace as his fingers, and I lost all control. My hips bucked against him, my hands searching for something to grab, as I cried out in ecstasy, and an orgasm exploded from somewhere deep inside me.

  I lay there, limp and panting, as Brandon stood up and pulled off his jeans. He was so hard that it looked painful, and I wanted nothing more than to help him with it. I got up onto my elbows, and my eyes traveled up his body until I met his smoldering stare.