No Turning Back

by Susan Lewis

  ‘Well, I’m sure she’ll be keen to hear all about what you’re up to at school, and what sports you like,’ Izzie answered. ‘You can tell her about the holidays we’ve been on …’

  ‘I can’t sit there talking about myself the whole time,’ he protested.

  ‘You don’t normally have a problem,’ Sadie informed him.

  Pulling a playful punch, he said, ‘Wouldn’t it be better if I asked her about her?’

  ‘It would certainly be polite,’ Izzie agreed.

  ‘What, you mean like how she got into modelling?’ Sadie suggested.

  ‘Yeah, I suppose so, but we know that already, don’t we?’

  ‘You haven’t heard it from her, though.’

  ‘True.’

  ‘You could ask if she has any other children. I don’t think she does, do you Mum?’

  Izzie shook her head. ‘I’m sure Patty would have mentioned it, if she did.’

  ‘I could always ask why she didn’t want me when I was born,’ Richie said edgily, his cheeks suffusing with an even deeper colour.

  Feeling for the turmoil inside him, Izzie’s eyes narrowed. ‘I don’t think that would be a good idea on a first meeting,’ she responded carefully.

  ‘I wasn’t being serious,’ he said, still looking moody. ‘Well, I was, because I’d like to know, but OK, I can see it probably wouldn’t get us off to a great start.’

  ‘And you’d better not ask who your father is straight off, either,’ Sadie warned.

  Richie’s face tightened. ‘I don’t get why his name’s not on my birth certificate,’ he said, almost angrily.

  Sadie glanced at her mother. ‘The thing is, Rich,’ she said gently, ‘there’s a chance you’ll have to get your head round the fact that she might not actually know who it is. If you think about the kind of life she was living back then, probably partying every night, I expect they were all on drugs …’

  ‘You don’t know that for certain,’ Izzie interrupted, ‘so don’t let’s paint too bleak a picture, but Sadie’s right, you probably shouldn’t ask about him straight away. Just take some time to get to know her, and for all you know, she’ll end up telling you anyway. So don’t let’s worry about that. What we have to decide now is if you’re feeling ready to go through with it.’

  Richie’s eyes went to Sadie, then back to his aunt.

  ‘No one’s forcing you,’ Izzie reminded him, knowing that for his sake she had to hide her own feelings about the possibility of eventually having to let him go. At the same time, she mustn’t allow him to think he wasn’t wanted. It was a very fine line to tread, and considering the way her heart was aching already, and how her protective instincts were closing in around him, she doubted she was ever going to find it easy.

  Lowering his head he dashed both hands through his hair, and left it standing on end as he looked up again. ‘When are we supposed to do it?’ he asked.

  ‘We haven’t set a time. I told Patty I’d call her once I’d spoken to you. Apparently she isn’t going to say anything to Eva until she’s heard from us, so you don’t have to worry about feeling as though you’re letting anyone down.’

  Richie looked at Sadie again. ‘I’ve got to do this, haven’t I?’ he said.

  ‘We’ve talked about it a lot,’ she reminded him, ‘and it’s what you want really. And it’ll be dead cool, you’ll see.’

  Turning back to his aunt, he shrugged and said, ‘OK, I guess I’m up for it if she is.’

  Smiling as she swallowed a lump in her throat, Izzie said, ‘How could she not want to meet you?’

  Eva was strolling through the wild-flower meadow with Rosie and Elvis, admiring the dewy cobwebs that stretched over hedgerows like crystal nets, and catching little showers of raindrops from leaves overhead. She was thinking of the Sunday mornings she and Don used to go down to the Hive Cafe for breakfast. He’d usually have a full English, while she went for smoked haddock and scrambled eggs, and all the time Rosie and Elvis would be waiting impatiently in the Range Rover – or on the terrace with them if the weather was good – for their leisurely walk along the cliff path, sometimes as far as West Bay and back. They’d almost always run into someone they knew, stopping for a chat and to gaze out at the spectacular view, which, on a clear day, rolled and sparkled across the waves all the way to the blurred mound of headland at Lyme Regis. If it was cold and stormy they’d sometimes huddle together on a memorial bench, snug in their embrace as they watched the marauding army of white horses bucking and diving to the shore and crashing up over the rocks. She couldn’t help wondering if he was doing those things with Patty, even now, as she was recalling them, and if he was, were either of them sparing a thought for her?

  As the sky darkened a fine, gauzy mizzle began sweeping over the fields, though she barely noticed it as she watched Rosie and Elvis prodding about in ditches and puddles, occasionally romping on ahead before bounding back with glee and mud plastered all over their daft little faces. It made her smile, in spite of the ache in her heart.

  The loneliness wasn’t getting any easier, nor was the longing showing any signs of abating. Weekends were always the worst, when she struggled to fill her time; but so were the mornings when she woke up alone; and the evenings when he didn’t come home; and all day long when she wanted to call and couldn’t. Then there were the times the pain reached out like a hand to snatch away her laughter, and the emptiness opened like a cavern to swallow her heart. If she’d allow it, she knew every minute of every day would be weighted by grief, for her marriage, her sister, her mother …

  After opening the gate to let Rosie and Elvis into the orchard, she closed it behind her and scooped up the sodden tennis ball that Rosie had dropped at her feet. Elvis was already beetling off to forage for fallen apples, so for the next few minutes Rosie could have a game of fetch all to herself. As Eva sent the ball sailing through the air and watched her beloved retriever go tearing after it, she laughed as she sobbed and turned her face to the sky.

  It sometimes helped, she found, to talk to her mother in her mind, to feel her close and tell herself that no matter how desperate or afraid she was, her mother, wherever she was now, would be willing her to stay strong and go forward. More than anything, she felt certain, she would want her to try to mend things with Patty, but she would surely understand why that couldn’t be possible. Perhaps her mother, like Elaine, would accept that during this time, when emotions were at their most intense and most terrible, it was best not to interfere. Elaine listened and consoled, and occasionally advised, but only on how Eva should search within herself for resources that would help get her past the worst of the pain. Deep breathing and visualisations of letting go; cleansing after tears to remove the toxicity that her heart had just shed; and encouragement to express everything she was feeling, particularly the anger and resentment, treating it as though it was an exorcism of worthless demons, or, as Elaine also called it, a spring clean of the soul.

  Hearing someone calling her name, Eva turned around to see Livvy standing on the footbridge over the pond and waving. Waving back, she might have carried on through the orchard if she hadn’t noticed that Livvy was beckoning to her. Did she want to go home yet? Not really, but the rain was getting worse, so perhaps it was time to hook Elvis on to his lead, since he’d never be coaxed from his fruit feast otherwise.

  ‘You’re back earlier than I expected,’ she remarked, as Livvy came to open the gate into the garden. She didn’t ask where Livvy and Jasmine had taken off to before she was even up this morning. They’d almost certainly gone to have breakfast with their mother and father, and it would be easier not to hear it.

  ‘Hang on, hang on,’ Livvy was saying into her mobile, ‘I heard but … Yes, I’m here now. What’s happening your end?’ There was a pause as she listened to the reply, then with a squeal of excitement, ‘You’re kidding me! Oh I can’t wait to see him.’

  Presuming she was talking to a friend about some boy who’d caught her eye, Eva pressed on ah
ead through the vegetable garden, scolding Elvis as he made a quick grab for a potato plant, and hustling Rosie around the summer house to go in through the next gate on to the lawn. Once Livvy had locked up behind them, Eva freed Elvis from his lead and ushered both animals round to the side of the house where she tied them up, and hosed them down, before going inside to fetch towels.

  When she came out again she saw, to her surprise, that Livvy was standing in the porch of the summer house, still on the phone. Whoever she was speaking to, it wasn’t Jasmine, since Jasmine’s mobile was on the kitchen table where she’d left it earlier. As soon as Jasmine got back the three of them would be on their way out again, since Eva had promised to go and help decorate the shop for Christmas. It might still only be the first week of December, but the entire town was already lit up, with the only gloomy spot lurking in their alley. Left to her it might have stayed that way, but it wouldn’t have been fair to deprive the girls of the joy of creating their seasonal magic, and she knew if she tried to get out of going herself they’d either start bullying her into it, or declaring that they wouldn’t go either.

  She’d decide later what to do about decorating the house, though feeling as she did now she strongly doubted she’d find the heart. Besides, what would be the point if she wasn’t going to be here? She hadn’t actually committed to Barbados with Carrie-Anne yet, or to London to stay with Bobbie, but she guessed she’d opt for one or the other, since it would be easier all round if she wasn’t here. Elaine wouldn’t feel torn between her and Patty, Livvy could go to her mother with an easy conscience, Jasmine was presumably staying with her mother anyway, and Patty and Don wouldn’t have to feel terrible about her being up on the hill all alone. Not that she particularly cared how they felt, but she did care how she felt, so it would definitely be wiser to go away. Mrs H would no doubt be happy to throw her own family Christmas here, taking care of Rosie and Elvis the way she usually did when her employers went away.

  ‘OK, right,’ Livvy declared, coming on to the terrace and grabbing a towel. ‘Let’s get these two inside and then I’ve got something to tell you.’

  Casting her a teasing smile, Eva said, ‘So what’s his name?’

  Livvy did a double take. ‘What do you …?’ Then, catching Eva’s meaning, ‘Oh, right, you think I’ve met someone. Wrong. Well, I might have, or at least I’m going to, but that’s not what this is about. I mean it is, but I think I should just shut up now and … Great, here’s Jas. I’m just going to talk to her,’ and dropping Rosie’s towel she all but leapt in through the door and quickly closed it again.

  A few minutes later, with a marginally less wet odd couple, Eva ushered them into their den for a drink and a more thorough drying out, before returning to the kitchen to find out what all the whispering was about.

  ‘Coffee, chair,’ Livvy announced, putting the former in front of her as Jasmine pulled out the latter.

  Smiling in bewilderment, Eva did as she was told, and looked from one to the other as Livvy checked her watch and Jasmine bunched a hand to her mouth, clearly trying to stifle some excitement. ‘What on earth is going on?’ Eva demanded.

  ‘OK,’ Livvy said, sitting down next to her, ‘Mum is going to ring any minute … No, no, don’t look like that, you have to speak to her, Eva. I promise, everything’s all right, and you’re going to really want to hear what she has to say.’

  Eva was already shaking her head.

  ‘You have to,’ Livvy insisted. ‘I swear it’s absolutely brilliant news and there’s no way in the world I’d try to make you do this if … Oh God, that’s her,’ she gasped as her mobile started to ring. Checking, she gazed fiercely into Eva’s eyes as she clicked on. ‘Hi Mum, yes, she’s here,’ she said. ‘I’ll hand you over.’

  Eva drew back.

  ‘Eva, please, just hear what she has to say,’ Jasmine begged.

  ‘You don’t have to speak if you don’t want to,’ Livvy told her, ‘all you have to do is listen. I’ll even hold the phone, if you like.’

  Realising she wasn’t going to get out of this, Eva took the mobile, while knowing already that even if Patty gave her the best news of all, that she’d broken up with Don, there was still no turning back for them. The betrayal was absolute, the forgiveness impossible.

  ‘OK, Mum, she’s listening,’ Livvy shouted.

  ‘Eva, my darling,’ Patty said, her voice turbulent with emotion, ‘I’m just about to arrive at your gates …’

  As Eva started to protest, Livvy put a hand over her mouth.

  Pushing it away, Eva said, ‘I don’t want to see you, Patty.’

  ‘I understand that,’ Patty replied, ‘but I have someone with me who I know you’ll want to see.’

  ‘Patty, I’ve just …’

  ‘Eva, listen to me please. Are you listening?’

  ‘Go on,’ Eva said stiffly.

  ‘Eva, his name is Richie.’

  Eva frowned, then her heart gave a tremendous jolt as Patty’s meaning … Suddenly terrified she might be misunderstanding, she looked at Livvy, and seeing the euphoria in Livvy’s eyes she felt herself starting to shake.

  ‘He’s your son,’ Patty whispered, ‘and he’s with me, so please let us in.’

  Chapter Eighteen

  Dropping the phone, Eva clasped her hands to her face, trying to catch her breath. ‘I don’t understand,’ she gasped as Livvy wrapped her in her arms. ‘How did she find him? Oh God, please tell me I’m not dreaming.’

  ‘You’re not dreaming,’ Livvy laughed. ‘I swear, it’s really him.’

  ‘But how? I mean … Oh God, I can’t believe this. Have you met him? Oh Livvy, have you seen him?’

  ‘Not yet, no,’ Livvy cried, tears flooding her own eyes. ‘It’s all happened really fast, since yesterday, actually …’

  ‘Here they are,’ Jasmine announced from where she was watching the screen, and rushing to push the button to open the gates she let out a ‘Yes!’ of triumph.

  With her heart in her mouth Eva watched the monitor, still hardly able to make sense of this as Patty’s Audi came into the drive with another, smaller car close behind. ‘Who’s that?’ she asked Livvy.

  ‘It’s his auntie,’ Livvy explained. ‘She’s really sweet. You wait till you meet her, you’ll see what I mean.’

  His auntie …? What about the woman who’d adopted him?

  As both cars left the screen she turned to Livvy again, suddenly afraid though she couldn’t think why.

  ‘It’s all right,’ Livvy said, putting calming hands on her shoulders. ‘Everything’s going to be fine.’

  ‘But look at me! My face is terrible and …’

  ‘You’re gorgeous,’ Livvy told her gently.

  ‘Stunning,’ Jasmine added with feeling.

  Eva had lost all colour.

  ‘Take a deep breath,’ Livvy advised.

  Eva tried to do as she was told, but it barely happened. She’d waited so long for this, had almost given up hope, and now he was here. He was here. ‘Are you sure …?’ She dashed a trembling hand through her hair. ‘What am I trying to say? How long has Patty known where he is?’

  ‘Just since yesterday,’ Livvy reminded her. ‘His cousin is one of the girls who kept coming into the shop, you know, the ones we thought were shoplifters.’

  Eva looked blank.

  ‘Never mind,’ Livvy said. ‘Mum and Izzie – that’s his aunt – will tell you everything … Oh Eva, don’t cry.’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ Eva choked, trying to pull herself together, but it was hardly possible. ‘What am I going to say?’ she gasped. ‘Does he know why I let him go? Is he angry? Oh God Livvy, what if …’

  ‘Sssh, ssh,’ Livvy interrupted. ‘From everything his aunt told us he sounds really cool. You know, like Jake, but younger. Well, maybe not like Jake, but you know what I mean.’

  ‘I’ll put more coffee on,’ Jasmine decided. ‘Or should I get out some champagne?’

  Eva couldn’t think how to answer. It was all t
oo sudden, so totally unexpected that she still couldn’t get a grip on it. Then she was afraid she might not be up to it, that she was so shattered and disoriented after all that had happened that she’d end up letting him down again …

  ‘Come here,’ Livvy said, grabbing her into a hug. ‘You’re going to be fine, OK? You’re his mother, he wants to meet you and Mum says this is what you’ve always wanted.’

  ‘It is,’ Eva sobbed. ‘Oh God, it really is, but landing it on me like this …’

  ‘She knew you wouldn’t want to wait. As soon as she found out which was like, completely out of the blue yesterday morning … We didn’t tell you then because she had to make sure everything was kosher, you know, that there wasn’t anything fraudulent or dodgy going on, and then she arranged for him to come over to the barn today so she could meet him and make absolutely sure … Oh, Evie, look at you,’ she wailed, hugging Eva again. ‘I know it’s a shock, but it’s wonderful, isn’t it?’

  ‘Of course,’ Eva spluttered through her tears. ‘But I’m going to look a wreck. I have to pull myself together.’

  ‘Here, dry your eyes,’ Jasmine urged, grabbing the kitchen roll.

  ‘Where’s your bag?’ Livvy demanded. ‘Let me brush your hair. Not that it matters what you look like, you’re beautiful anyway and he’s going to absolutely love you. How could he not?’

  ‘He couldn’t,’ Jasmine assured her, starting to bounce up and down in excitement. ‘This is like so amazing.’ Then, frowning worriedly, she said to Livvy, ‘Do you think we should be here? Maybe we ought to make ourselves scarce?’

  ‘No way!’ Livvy cried. ‘I mean, maybe later, but it would be really awkward if it was just the two of them at first. Wouldn’t it?’ she said to Eva, suddenly uncertain herself.

  Hardly knowing how to answer, Eva simply blew her nose and tried again to believe this was happening.

  ‘Crikey, I’d better go and unlock the door,’ Livvy suddenly remembered, and shoving the rest of the kitchen roll at Eva she scooted across to the conservatory where she flipped the lock on the outer door and ran back again.