No Turning Back

by Susan Lewis

  Furious and riddled with frustration, he said, ‘And if I don’t?’

  ‘Then I’ll carry on staying at the cottage,’ and pocketing her keys she let herself out into the rain, unable to bear the pain and confusion in his eyes a moment longer.

  Eva was sitting with Izzie at a window table of the Bridport Arms, gazing out across the rain-spattered harbour towards the boats that would remain beached in mud until the tide turned. Along the jetty the fish and chip stalls were gaily decorated with Christmas lights, and the Riverside restaurant beyond was aglow with its own seasonal cheer. ‘It’s bizarre,’ Eva was saying, ‘to think of how often I’ve been here in West Bay, in this very pub even, and all the time Richie might have been here too.’

  Izzie was smiling gently. ‘We saw you a few times,’ she admitted, ‘you even spoke to him once, when he was about five. I remember we were all dead chuffed that someone famous had been nice to him.’

  Stunned by the fact that she’d actually spoken to her own son without realising it, Eva quickly made herself push it away. Now wasn’t the time to try and deal with it. To distract herself, she wondered where Don’s boat might be moored now. There had been no sign of it when she’d arrived, and since the night she’d spotted him driving out of West Bay, with Patty just ahead, she hadn’t seen him at all.

  Realising she must let that go too, she turned to Izzie and said, ‘So where does your mother live?’

  ‘Just up over the back,’ Izzie replied, ‘in one of the old terraced houses. Most of them are still council-owned, but she managed to buy hers a few years ago.’

  Realising how proud she was to say that, Eva’s heart warmed with affection. ‘It’s a lovely spot,’ she told her, ‘virtually right on the beach.’

  ‘The kids certainly enjoyed it while they was growing up. They still do in the summer.

  Eva wondered if she was trying to remind her that Richie had a shared history with her family, and whatever happened in the future that would never change? There was no edge to her voice or suspicion in her eyes, but she must surely be worried about how everything was going to play out.

  Before Eva could think of a way to reassure her, Izzie said, ‘Did you grow up anywhere around here?’

  ‘No, we weren’t near the sea at all. I sometimes wonder if that’s why we can’t seem to get enough of it now.’

  ‘You mean you and your sister?’

  Eva nodded, then moving straight past Patty, she said, ‘I like to think of Richie playing with his cousins in the sand, jumping about in the waves, climbing the cliffs, thinking he was king of the world the way children do.’

  ‘That pretty much sums him up,’ Izzie admitted with a smile. ‘He’s a good boy,’ she went on quietly. ‘Not perfect, but show me one who is. The important thing is, his heart’s in the right place and a more generous spirit you could hardly wish to meet, but he’s sensitive too, and I should hate to see him hurt.’

  Loading her tone with feeling, Eva said, ‘I promise, I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure I never let him down again. You probably have no idea how much I regret giving him up but I swear I do.’

  Izzie’s eyes were intently on hers and seeming reassured, if only for the moment, her expression softened. ‘He’s a mischievous one too,’ she added with a twinkle. ‘Too blinking clever for his own good at times, so be warned.’

  Finding herself able to laugh now, Eva said, ‘It’s wonderful to hear you talk about him like that. It makes me feel very proud. Not that I can take any of the credit, of course …’

  ‘He has your genes,’ Izzie reminded her generously.

  Still smiling, Eva said, ‘Would you mind if I asked about his adoptive mother?’

  ‘Feel free,’ Izzie replied. ‘I just wish … Well, I’m sorry she’s not here to see you herself, but if you knew her, you’d understand how hard she finds it to meet new people – and, obviously, you’re not just new, you’re … Well, you’re you.’

  ‘Why didn’t she ever write to me about Richie?’

  With a sigh, Izzie said, ‘I’m not sure if this is going to make any sense to you, but I know she wanted to, she just didn’t have the courage. She feels terrible about it now, and even worse about not giving Richie the cards and letters you sent …’

  ‘Have they turned up yet?’

  ‘Actually, they came yesterday. I didn’t hand them over straight away, instead I asked him if he’d rather be with you when he reads them, and he’s decided to think about it. I don’t suppose you’ve heard from him today?’

  ‘Yes, I had a text while I was on my way here.’

  Izzie looked relieved. ‘That’s good. It’ll mean he’s got over the funny five minutes he had before school this morning.’

  Eva’s eyes widened. ‘What happened?’

  ‘Don’t look so worried. Just keep in mind that all that’s happening is a pretty big deal for a boy his age, enormous, in fact. Obviously it is for you too, but with him being so young, and a bit confused …’

  ‘What happened?’ Eva repeated.

  Izzie flipped a hand, making light of it. ‘Oh, he was just going on with some nonsense about not wanting to see you at the weekend …’

  Eva’s heart contracted. ‘But why?’

  ‘Frankly, I don’t think even he knows why. Chances are he was testing us in some way, or maybe he wanted you to persuade him to change his mind so he’d know you care.’

  ‘But he surely can’t be in any doubt about that now?’

  Izzie’s eyes were gentle as she said, ‘I’m afraid it’ll probably be a while before he can make himself totally believe it.’

  ‘Of course,’ Eva whispered. ‘It would be wonderful if it could happen overnight, but …’ She took a breath. ‘I’ll just have to make sure I do everything I can to let him know that he’s the most important person in the world to me.’

  Izzie smiled. ‘And you will be to him soon enough, I’ve no doubt of it.’

  Eva regarded her gratefully. This woman wasn’t her enemy, she was simply looking out for the boy she loved, probably as one of her own. ‘So I should still come to collect him at ten tomorrow morning?’ she asked.

  ‘Absolutely. He might well kick up again between now and then, but if he does, it’ll be no more than a bit of a show for us, so we don’t think he’s a pushover, dying to get away from us, which I don’t think he is. But obviously he’s pretty fascinated by you, and as nervous as he is, I really don’t think he’s going to miss out on seeing you again.’

  Understanding his complexity, while still fearing that he might change his mind, Eva said, ‘Do you think I should invite Sadie to come along too? Or one of his friends?’

  Izzie gave it some thought. ‘No, I think you need more time on your own,’ she decided, ‘the two of you, because before you know it you’re going to have rugby, school, mates, girlfriends and all sorts of other stuff to be dealing with.’

  Both daunted and thrilled, Eva asked, ‘Is there a special girlfriend?’

  Izzie shook her head. ‘Sadie says not, and she’d know. If you ask him he’ll tell you he doesn’t want to be tied down so he’s playing the field.’

  Eva bubbled with laughter at the irony in her eyes, and taking heart from how well they were getting along she said, ‘Going back to his mother. Does he have very much contact with her?’

  Izzie nodded as she took a sip of her drink. ‘She rings every week, on a Sunday morning,’ she answered. ‘They have a catch-up with everything then, though I think he spends most of the time chatting to his little sister, Una. You know about her, I take it?’

  ‘Yes, Livvy told me.’

  ‘He’s very fond of her in spite of them being like chalk and cheese and five years apart. She’s just like her mother, shy as a little mouse and not much bigger. You only have to look at her to think she’s going to break.’

  Wondering when – if – she’d ever get to meet Una herself, and hoping she would if she meant so much to Richie, Eva asked, ‘So how attache
d would you say he is to Linda – his mother?’

  Izzie tilted her head as she thought. ‘I’d say probably more than he lets on, but he definitely always seemed closer to Tim. He took it pretty hard when Tim went, well, they all did, but I think it was worse for Richie, losing his dad.’

  Eva’s heart tightened as she thought of Nick, but she wasn’t ready to mention him yet, at least not unless Izzie asked.

  ‘That Linda,’ Izzie went on, ‘she always used to worry herself sick about the way people were drawn to Richie. She’d even tell him to stop pushing himself forward and getting on people’s nerves, when the poor little mite was just being a normal boy who got a bit above himself at times, the way they all do, but I never saw him going out of his way to get himself noticed when he shouldn’t. Even if I say so myself, he always seemed more comfortable when he was home with us, especially after Tim went. He’s close to our Sadie, you saw that for yourself. It’s always been her he talked to about his “real mother” and whether or not he should try to meet you. Sadie was all for it, of course, which is how come we’re sitting here now. Left to his own devices I’m sure he’d have been too nervous and shy.’

  Loving Sadie for her assertiveness, Eva said, ‘And what about your other children? How close is he to them?’

  Sadie rolled her eyes.

  ‘Jack, my youngest, practically hero-worships him,’ Izzie answered. ‘He always got on well with our Russ too, the eldest, until the last few months, but Russ’ll grow out of his nonsense soon enough.’

  ‘Nonsense?’

  ‘Oh, it’s the old jealousy thing again. Richie’s more popular, better at rugger, does well at his lessons, whereas it’s all a bit of a struggle for poor old Russ. He’s hoping to join the police when he’s old enough, so he’s got his mind set on that at the moment, which’ll hopefully help sort him out a bit.’ She waved out to someone passing the window. ‘My mum’s next-door neighbour,’ she explained. ‘So, anyway, you’re going to pick Richie up after training tomorrow morning, and take him to meet your stepmother, I hear? Apart from his blip earlier, he’s been talking about nothing else all week. That and the animals, and how cool you are, and the fact you’re coming to watch him play on Sunday with his cousin Livvy and stepsister Jasmine. Blinking full of it he’s been and I have to tell you it’s doing my heart good, because he deserves to feel like he’s the centre of someone’s world, and who better than his own mother?’

  Deeply moved by Izzie’s generosity of spirit and feeling her heart swelling with joy, Eva said, ‘Believe it or not, he was always the centre of my world, even when I didn’t know where, or even who he was, and this past week has been just incredible. It’s like the future really means something now, because he’s a part of it – the main part of it, in fact. I just worry about how angry he is with me … Not that I blame him, I just need to find the right way to deal with it.’

  Izzie nodded her understanding. ‘The only sensible answer I can give to that,’ she said, ‘is that we shouldn’t try to rush anything, either of us. Take it at his pace, and do our best to answer his questions when they come up.’ She fixed Eva’s eyes with hers. ‘I expect you realise what the big one’s going to be for him, don’t you?’

  Admiring her candour, Eva nodded. ‘I do. And I promise you, I have every intention of telling him about his father, I just want to speak to Nick first to make sure … Well, I just think it would be wiser. Nick and I haven’t been in touch for a very long time and the last thing I want is something to be said, or done, that might end up making Richie feel anything less than the wonderful young man he is.’

  Smiling appreciatively, Izzie said, ‘I think that sounds a good decision.’

  ‘I have to go back to London next week,’ Eva continued, ‘so I’m hoping to see Nick then.’

  Izzie’s eyes stayed on hers. ‘If you do, then I wish you good luck and please let me know what happens.’

  *

  ‘Mum! Are you here?’ Livvy shouted as she let herself into the barn. She knew her mother was at home because the Audi was outside, but finding no sign of her in the kitchen, or her study, she went through to the hall where a light was shining under the furthest door.

  ‘Can I come in?’ she said, giving a knock.

  Receiving no reply she opened the door anyway, and finding the bedroom empty she called out again.

  ‘Mum! Where are you?’

  ‘In here,’ Patty responded from the bathroom.

  Hearing the swish of water and clink of a glass Livvy came to an abrupt stop, appalled by the prospect of walking in on her mother and Don. ‘Are you alone?’ she asked tentatively.

  ‘Yes, I am. What are you doing here?’

  ‘I came to pick up my scarf.’

  Finding her mother submerged in a steaming, milky bath, with scented candles casting a soft, romantic glow around the walls and a bottle of Merlot next to a glass on the side, she said, ‘Well, you obviously weren’t expecting me.’

  Patty’s mouth twisted as she tried to smile. ‘I thought you were going out tonight,’ she said. ‘Isn’t that what you said in your text, that you and Jasmine are taking Richie to meet Dave and some of his friends in Bournemouth?’

  ‘That’s right, but I was passing and they’ve already gone on ahead, so I thought … Are you OK? Your eyes look all puffy. You’ve been crying.’

  ‘No. I’ve just taken my make-up off, and it’s been a long day, so I thought I’d come and have a nice long soak.’

  Knowing that was what her mother did when stressed, Livvy came to sit on the edge of the bath and helped herself to a sip of wine. ‘So where’s Don?’ she asked. Then, ‘Please don’t tell me he’s about to come cavorting naked through the door … It will so do my head in. I’ll go … Just tell me where the scarf is.’

  ‘In my car, I forgot about it yesterday. And there’s no rush, I’m not expecting Don. Tell me how things are with Eva and Richie.’

  Livvy shrugged. ‘All I know is that they spent the afternoon with Elaine, and then he was up for coming over to Bournemouth with us tonight. Sadie’s driven over from Chard to come too, and Jasmine’s gone in Sadie’s car with them while I popped in here.’

  Thinking of how remiss she’d been in not trying to get closer to Jasmine, while remembering it was probably for the best that she hadn’t, Patty said, ‘So Eva’s not going with you tonight?’

  ‘No. We asked her, but she keeps saying Richie doesn’t want his mother hanging around in bars with him, and he says he does, and she says he’s only saying that … You should hear them. Anyway, Sadie brought a couple of his mates with her too, so there’s a load of us getting together. It should be really cool.’

  Unable to stop herself, Patty said, ‘I hope no one’s drinking and driving.’

  ‘Duh! That’s your generation.’

  ‘The statistics still show …’

  ‘OK, OK, no one is, all right?’

  Feeling absurdly as though her role as a mother was vanishing along with everything else, Patty sank beneath the water to wash away the tears of self-pity as they stung her eyes.

  ‘Hello! That was a bit long,’ Livvy protested, as Patty came up again. ‘You don’t have anyone hiding under there, do you? No, don’t answer that.’ When her mother didn’t laugh, or even seem to connect with what she was saying, Livvy’s eyes narrowed with concern. ‘What’s up?’ she asked. ‘And please don’t say you’re fine, because I can tell you’re not.’

  ‘I’m fine,’ Patty said. Livvy wasn’t as quick at reading her as Eva, she was thinking, but she was getting there.

  ‘Hello. This is me,’ Livvy said, waving. ‘You know you can tell me anything.’ She gave a playful gasp. ‘Oh my God, I’m starting to sound like you.’

  This time Patty did manage a smile.

  ‘So where is Don?’ Livvy asked.

  Taking a breath to stifle the wrench in her heart, Patty said, ‘Actually, I’m not sure … Have you been to Eva’s this evening?’

  ‘No, I came stra
ight here from the shop, and I probably won’t see her because we’re all crashing at mine later before we go to watch Richie play rugger tomorrow. Why?’

  ‘No reason, just being chatty.’

  ‘Mu-um!’

  It took Patty a while to decide what to tell her, and even when she began speaking she still wasn’t sure what she was going to say. ‘I think that’s where Don is,’ she finally answered. ‘It’s probably why Eva couldn’t come with you this evening, because they’re having … a talk.’

  Livvy went very still.

  In a voice that she couldn’t quite make steady, Patty said, ‘It’s probably best if I tell you now that we’ve broken up. Don and I … We …’ She couldn’t go on, her throat was too tight.

  ‘Oh no,’ Livvy groaned, burying her head in her hands. ‘I don’t believe this. I’m the one who’s supposed to have all the relationship problems, not you two.’

  Patty might have laughed, but found she couldn’t.

  ‘What happened?’ Livvy asked gently.

  Overcome by her daughter’s empathy, Patty had to submerge again for a moment. ‘It doesn’t really matter,’ she said. ‘We came to an agreement … I think … He’ll probably go back to Eva.’

  Livvy sat staring at her, her eyes full of misgiving. ‘Why isn’t this feeling right?’ she finally demanded.

  ‘It will, because it is,’ Patty told her. ‘And if it turns out that he’s not with Eva tonight, please don’t say anything to her, because I’m sure it’ll only mean he’s choosing the right moment to ask to go back.’

  Livvy was still looking decidedly troubled. ‘So where does that leave you?’ she asked, starting to detest Don for all the heartache he was causing.

  Desperately close to breaking down, Patty picked up her wine. ‘Here, in the bath pampering myself,’ she replied.

  Finding herself at a total loss as to how to handle this, Livvy very nearly got into the bath, fully clothed, to give her mother a hug.

  ‘You should go now,’ Patty told her. ‘They’ll be wondering where you are.’