Perfectly Damaged

by E. L. Montes

  “Well, isn’t this your lucky morning.” I announce as I approach her.

  She slowly crooks her neck to look up at me. “How so?” Well, at least she’s not pushing me away. Yet.

  “May I?” I point at the empty space beside her. She nods. I sit down, stabbing a foot to the ground to give us more of a push on the swing. “I brought this for you.” She takes the red Solo cup filled with OJ.

  “This isn’t spiked, is it?” she teases, but something tells me it’s a serious question.

  “There’s only one way to find out.” She lifts the cup to the tip of her nose and takes a sniff. I laugh. “I’m joking. It’s pure orange juice with some pulp.” She flashes me a sly grin, then takes a sip. After the first taste, she downs the rest of it. “Whoa. Take it easy there, killer. You don’t want to OD on pulp.”

  “Funny,” Jenna says. Then she looks back at the lake. “It’s peaceful here.” She breathes in deeply. “It feels easy.”

  Easy sounds like the wrong word choice, but I encourage her to go on. “Yeah? Easy how?”

  She leans back, getting comfortable on the wooden bench—the bench my brother and I built together. “Just easy. Life feels like it’s always hard. There’s never a calm way to get through it, to just breathe. Every day brings the same challenges, the same routines…the same everything. And as much as I hope the next day will be different, it’s not. It’s just the same old cycle over and over again.” She turns her head and rests her chin on her shoulder. “Sorry. Is this too much for an early morning chat over orange juice?” She giggles nervously.

  “No, not at all. I sometimes feel the best mornin’ talks are had over a fresh cup of OJ.”

  She laughs. “Logan?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Thank you. For yesterday morning. And I’m sorry about last night—you know, the way I acted on the dock. It wasn’t right—”

  “Hey, don’t worry about it. And you’re welcome. Again.” I tease.

  “Again?”

  “I mean…” I purse my lips, lift both arms, and shrug. “I keep saving your life: the pool, that Matthew dude, and then from the evil, perfect house. I think we’re meant to be. After all, how could you resist this body?”

  “Wow. Are you always this into yourself?”

  “Hmm.” I tilt my head, pretending to be in serious thought, then nod. “Pretty much.”

  She nudges my arm. “At least you’re honest.”

  I smile. “That I am.”

  “Well, if it makes you feel any better, thank you for all three.”

  “It does,” I say. Jenna laughs again. Then my mind drifts back to her earlier statement. “If it makes you feel any better, I do feel that way sometimes. Like you mentioned about life being a constant cycle.”

  “Like you’re trapped in a nightmare, where you’re screaming for someone to wake you, but it never happens?”

  I nod. It does feel like that at times.

  Jenna’s expression changes to compassion. “I remember you saying something like that yesterday. After you lost your brother, right?” she says.

  Yesterday, as she stood in her pajamas on the corner, I told her how after Sean’s death, I felt like I was stuck, at a standstill. Me and my big fucking mouth. It’s been two years since his death, and it still kind of fucking hurts to talk about him. But I do anyway. “Yeah. We were really close.”

  “I was very close with my sister before she passed,” she confesses.

  A jolt of shock rushes through me. “You had a sister who passed?” She nods. “How long ago?”

  “About eight months now.”

  “Wow.” It’s all I can say; I can’t believe she lost a sibling as well. In some ways, this explains a lot about what I’ve witnessed of her so far.

  “Yeah,” Jenna says quietly.

  “Is it too early for me to ask how she passed?” She looks down and nods. I can understand. For the first year of Sean’s death, it was difficult for me to talk about how it happened without it taking an emotional toll on me.

  This little confession of hers sparks an idea. I stand from the bench and reach for her wrist. She looks down at my grip, then back up at me. “Come on,” I say. “I want to show you something.”

  She doesn’t resist. Instead, she reaches out and places her hand in mine. I hold her small, delicate hand the entire time as I lead her toward a large wooden shed. I leave the doors wide open, just in case she feels uncomfortable, and guide her in. Jenna looks around but doesn’t say a word. She steps toward the first table and our hands lose contact as hers slips away. I kind of wish she’d held on just a bit longer. I would be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy it, because I did. A lot.

  Jenna slowly walks past each carved sculpture, lightly brushing her fingers against them as she admires each one.

  “Did you make these?” she asks.

  “No. Sean did. At first it was a hobby for him. Then he became really good at it. He did it as a way to cope with his depression.” She looks back at me. Her features are pinched but unreadable.

  “He suffered from depression?”

  “Yeah.” I move forward, standing beside her as I look over each sculpture. “He was dealing with a lot of difficult issues. Issues a regular teenager should never have to go through.”

  Jenna crosses her arms, hugging herself as if she’s chilly. “What kind of issues?” she asks.

  I swallow, wondering if she’ll act like most everyone else who hears about Sean’s story. “When he was younger, about seventeen years old, he was reckless and out of control. What teen isn’t, right? Well, one night he was underage drinking and driving with a few friends in a car. He accidently ran a red light and hit two people crossing the street—a kid and his mom.”

  “Oh my God,” Jenna lets out in a raspy tone.

  “Yeah.” I nod, tempted to leave it as that, but I decide to keep going. “He didn’t leave the scene. He pulled over and called an ambulance. He waited there and held the kid in his arms until help came. But by the time they arrived, the kid had lost so much blood he was already dead. The mother suffered severe injuries, but she survived. Sean did some time in jail for it. Once he was released, he was never the same. Mentally. He couldn’t get the image of that scene out of his head and knowing that his irresponsible behavior killed an innocent boy made him insane.”

  It’s the first time I’ve spoken about Sean’s history with anyone. Family and close friends who know of the incident never speak of it. When Sean was released from prison at twenty-two, everyone just tried to pretend it never happened. But Sean still lived with it every single day until the day he died.

  I went on, staring intensely at one of the pieces—a half angel, half demon full-body sculpture. “Some say that Sean’s death was an accident, that he lost control of his bike and hit the tree. He wasn’t drinking. It wasn’t snowing or raining. It wasn’t dark out. It was a direct hit to the tree. As much as everyone wants to believe it was an accident, I know in my gut that he did it on purpose. It wasn’t the first time he tried to take his life. It was the day before the anniversary of the kid’s death. I think he couldn’t handle it anymore, and I think he thought if all of us believed he died in a motorcycle accident, we wouldn’t feel guilty. Guilty for not trying hard enough to get him help.”

  I back away from the table, face Jenna, and look down at her. She stares at me with puffy eyes. But there’s no pity in them, just understanding. “Why are you telling me this?” she asks.

  “I don’t know.” I shrug. “It just feels right. I’ve never talked to anyone about it, but I think knowing you can relate makes it easier.” It does make it easier. Jenna knows how it feels to grow up in a household with someone all your life—your best friend—only to have them taken away from you in the blink of an eye. “I also wanted you to realize that even though the pain will always be there, I’m living proof you can get past this. Right now I know it feels impossible, but one day you’ll look back and see how far you’ve come.”

 
; Jenna lifts her hand to my face and cups my jaw. There’s warmth where she touches. Her eyes stare intensely into mine. I stare back, waiting for her to say something. My gaze drops to her lips—those perfectly pouty, pink lips—which she wets with a stroke of her tongue. She opens her mouth to say something and then shuts it quickly. “Thank you,” she finally whispers as her eyes water. She tries fighting back the tears, but she can’t, and a few escape.

  “Come here.” I bring her close, wrapping my arms tight around her. She buries her face in my chest, and I think about the pain we both share. More than anything, I wish Jenna and I were bonding over something else, that she didn’t know what it feels like to lose a sister and I a brother. I rest my chin on her hair and hold her, giving her whatever comfort I can.

  After we stand this way for what seems like forever, Jenna looks up at me, her tearstained cheeks flushed. She seems embarrassed by our small connection and pulls away from me. “I-I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to cry on you. I’m so very sorry,” she says.

  “Don’t be. You needed it. It’s okay to cry sometimes.” I smile. “It’s kind of nice chatting with someone who doesn’t know me and doesn’t judge me for a change.”

  She furrows her brow. “Why would I judge you?”

  “Because that’s what most people do when they hear what my brother was responsible for or the reason behind his jail time. They look at me with revulsion, or they whisper something like ‘His brother is a murderer.’ They make it seem like I did it.”

  Jenna sniffs, brushing her nose with the back of her hand. “You’re not your brother, Logan,” she says with a simple shrug. “And even at that, I’m sure he wasn’t a bad guy. It sounds to me like he was a young kid that made a terrible mistake, and he had to live with that mistake for the rest of his life.”

  Does she even know that those are the exact words I needed to hear right now? “Thank you,” I say.

  Her pouty lips tug into a tiny smile. Damn. I’d do anything to touch those lips again. “You’re welcome,” she says. Then she turns around and walks out of the shed. I fight back the urge to reach out, grab her, and kiss her. Not like the kiss we had on her front porch when I first met her. Don’t get me wrong, that kiss…well…it heightened all my senses and could have turned into much more than just a kiss. But it wasn’t a real fucking kiss. I want to show her how much this one moment truly meant to me. Wow. I’m starting to sound like a little bitch.

  “Jenna,” I call out. She turns around.

  “Yes?”

  “Go out with me. On a date.” From the look on her face, I can tell I’ve caught her off guard. She opens her mouth to speak but closes it just as quickly. “You don’t have to give me an answer right now,” I say. “Think about it.”

  “I don’t think it’s a good ide—”

  “Do me a favor and just think about it first. Okay?”

  She nods. “Okay. I will.”

  I arch a brow. “You’ll think about it? Or you’ll go out with me.”

  Jenna casually laughs. “I’ll think about it, Logan.”

  And then she’s gone.

  I can’t believe I just cried my eyes out in front of Logan. What the hell was I thinking? Some of the things he said resonated with me so deeply that I allowed myself to show weakness in front of him. His empathy, his understanding, his loss completely shook my resolve. How pathetic am I?

  There’s a part of me that feels relieved—relieved that I was able to just let it out. He’s a stranger. I don’t know anything about him aside from the little I’ve seen. Even so, I feel a unique connection with Logan. When he revealed the details of his brother’s death, I felt sympathy for him, but not in the way an outsider might. It was coming from a place of first-hand knowledge, from a place of compassion. I felt his pain, the struggle I imagine he went through¸ and his loss. I’ve lived through it.

  There’s another part of me that feels it may have been a mistake—a huge, stupid mistake. I don’t want him to think that because we shared a moment there could be something more between us. Because there can’t be. Of that I’m certain. Logan is probably a good guy. Or maybe he’s not. Either way, he’s a risk I’m not going to take.

  I grab a bottle of water from the fridge and sneak back into the bedroom, quietly shutting the door behind me. I turn and see Charlie sitting against the headboard of the twin bed. Her shoulders and head are slumped over, but she looks up when she hears me. I smile. She rolls her eyes. “Don’t take out your hangover anger on me,” I say, treading over to her.

  “I’m never drinking again.” Sure. That’s a famous line of hers. I hand her the bottle of water. “Thank you,” she mumbles, snatching it from my hand. Charlie unscrews the cap and chugs back the entire bottle. She places the empty bottle on the nightstand beside her and leans her head back against the headboard. “Oh God. I’m going to be sick.”

  “I’m pretty sure you threw up all of last week’s meals last night.” I hand her the clean bucket from beside her bed and take a seat across from her on the bed I slept in last night.

  Charlie settles the bucket between her legs and stares into it. “Where were you?” she asks as she concentrates on the green container.

  “Downstairs. I couldn’t sleep and didn’t want to wake you.”

  She nods. “I woke up over a half hour ago. I didn’t have the strength to go looking for you. I told myself if you didn’t come back in fifteen minutes, I was going to force myself to search.”

  “Ha! I’m sure you would’ve made it,” I tease. “Whenever you get yourself together and ready, we’ll drive back. Take your time.”

  She groans. “Do we have to leave? I’m seriously in no mood to take a three-hour drive back home. It’s not like you can take the wheel if I get sick.”

  “We’re not staying another night, Charlie.”

  “Come on. I’m going to need a day to recuperate. I promise I won’t drink today. I’ll keep it to just soft drinks. Don’t make me drive back home like this.” She pouts her lips and rolls her head back against the wooden headboard.

  “Oh my God. I can’t believe you’re making me feel guilty.”

  “Do you want to face your mother today?”

  “Low blow.” And the brief reprieve I had without thoughts of my mother is now over. “Fine.”

  Charlie doesn’t smile at my concession. She just sighs and her shoulders deflate. “Thank God,” she says. Then she sinks into the bed, tossing the covers over her face.

  It’s noon. I sat in bed channel surfing on the tiny television until Charlie woke up. I couldn’t leave the room and face Logan alone after what happened this morning. Charlie grumbled out of bed with only the word “food” escaping her mouth. I waited patiently as she showered and put on shorts, a tank top, and flip-flops. Now, we’re finally heading downstairs together.

  “There’s my little alcoholic,” Santino sings as Charlie and I step into the kitchen. All of the guys are hanging out in here. Danny, Justin, and Scott are seated by the table, dishing some food onto their plates. Bryson is by the stove, cooking, and Logan is leaning against the counter with his legs and arms crossed. His eyes are on me. Even though I just saw him a few short hours ago, my chest constricts. I look away.

  “That’s me,” Charlie responds with her arms raised. She walks over to Santino. He pulls her into his lap and she lets out giggles.

  “If you girls are hungry, we have plenty of breakfast.” Bryson points toward the center of the table where there are several plates filled with pancakes, waffles, bacon, and sausages. “Help yourselves.”

  “I’m starving!” Charlie turns to face the food, still on Santino’s lap, and grabs herself a plate. She begins filling it.

  “Jenna?” Logan says. I look over. He’s pointing at one of the empty chairs for me to take a seat. I shake my head.

  “No, thank you.”

  Charlie waves her hand. “She barely eats. I could never do it.”

  Santino looks over and says, “Are you one of those gi
rls who force themselves not to eat because they want to keep a stick figure image? Because personally, I love me a curvy woman. The more curves, the better.” He grips Charlie’s hips and begins to bounce her. Her laughs fill the room as my irritation spikes.

  “What? No. I eat. I’m just not hungry.” I want to kill Charlie right now. She looks over at me, and her smile instantly disappears. She mouths, “Sorry.”

  Everyone digs in to their plates, except for me and Logan, who’s still leaning against the counter all good-looking and cool, like he doesn’t have a care in the world. It’s annoying. I feel awkward now. Out of place. I let out a deep breath, force a small smile, and make my way out the back and toward the dock.

  “I’m really sorry, Jenna. You know I wouldn’t say anything to make you feel bad, especially about yourself. Right?” Charlie grips my shoulder. I look up at her.

  “Yeah, I know. It’s fine.”

  She smiles gently. “We’re all going to take a dip in the lake and play a few games. You should join us. It’ll be fun. Maybe it’ll take you out of this little slump you’re in.”

  “I’m not in a slump.”

  “Look, I know you don’t want to be here, but can you at least pretend? You’re acting like the antisocial kid right about now.”

  “I am the antisocial kid.”

  “Well, can you not be today? Let’s have fun today.”

  I let out a draining breath, pause, then nod. We head for our bedroom and change into our swimsuits.

  When we exit the house, there are several people hanging around in the back area—more than just the guys and us. There are girls in bikinis and guys in swim trunks that I haven’t seen before. Some are on the deck, sipping on drinks. Others are by the grass. There’s a net set up, so some are playing volleyball. There’s a table set up with aluminum containers filled with food. My stomach growls, and I cover my belly with my hand. “I’m kind of hungry,” I whisper to Charlie.

  “I bet. You haven’t eaten. Let’s grab a quick bite then we’ll head for the dock.”