Perfectly Damaged

by E. L. Montes

  Jenna stands by the end of the couch, her head hung low, but her eyes watching my every move. Very slowly, I remove my hands. I don’t know why, but I don’t want her to think I’m going to attack her or something because that’s how she’s acting right now, as if I’m going to attack her at any second. I lean forward, grab the remote from the oak coffee table, and lean back just as quickly.

  Crossing her arms, she looks around my living space, taking in every detail of my spot. I sit there and just watch her, remembering what she said about the perfect house and what lies within. As her eyes roam past the large flat screen mounted on the wall, I wonder if any of that is on her mind now. Her vision brushes down to the entertainment stand, which holds both of my game consoles and three piles of video games. A soft smile pulls at the corner of her lips. I grin too. Just watching her as she examines my place feels awkward. A good awkward, though. It’s like she’s collecting all the artifacts of my world and filing them away in that mind of hers to examine later.

  Those perfect lips, which I always seem to come back to, press into a straight line as Jenna’s stare circles the room, drifting over the plain, artless white walls. She twirls a bit, facing the galley kitchen. Then she turns back around to face me. “Your place is so normal.”

  I can’t help but laugh. “Were you expecting whips and chains?”

  “No. It’s just…I don’t know what I was expecting. It’s just simple, like you. You know?”

  I shake my head. “No, I don’t know. Won’t you tell me?” I pat down on the cushion next to me, gesturing for her to sit down.

  She does, right beside me. “You were definitely right about it being a bachelor pad. No art on the walls, not even a picture frame.” She chuckles. “But I like it. It’s definitely you. A place can tell you a lot about the person who lives in it.”

  “Very interesting—and what does my place say about me?”

  “Ha. You’d love to know, wouldn’t you? I’ll keep that to myself,” she teases as she lifts her leg up onto the couch and twists her body to face me. Her arm hangs over the back of the sofa. She’s acting playful again. All of her body language says she’s beginning to feel comfortable, thank God.

  “Wanna laugh at Kevin Hart’s pain?” I ask.

  She nods with a small smile.

  We watched two stand-up comedies back-to-back. I stayed on my end of the sofa, and Jenna stayed on hers. We poked fun at the comedians, laughed at a few jokes, and laughed even harder at the funnier ones. All in all, it was a good night.

  Afterward, I took Jenna home. She kissed me good night on the cheek, and I drove away.

  My mind is reeling over Jenna. She’s smokin’ hot and very mysterious and secretive, which, to a certain extent, I actually like. I’m beyond curious about the things she seems to avoid talking about. I push those thoughts away, deciding that if she’s ready to tell me more—if there is more—I’ll be waiting, but I will not push it out of her.

  If I could meet anyone from a past time, it would probably be Vincent Van Gogh, and it’s not only because he was a brilliant artist. It’s more because, in a way, I’m able to relate to his mental illness—he was known to have suffered “hallucinations of sight and hearing.” If he were living in this era, his symptoms would be diagnosed as schizophrenia. He also suffered from depression. He used painting as a way to cope, or I guess as a way to escape.

  As I lie here on the dock by the lake house, with my elbows bent and hands beneath my head, I admire the night’s canvas. The sky reminds me of one of Van Gogh’s most famous paintings, The Starry Night. I’m reminded of this painting because everything about tonight is perfect: the cool breeze, the breathable air, the way the moon casts over the trees and gleams down on the lake. If Van Gogh were here, would he have attempted perfecting The Starry Night?

  When I was in college, I minored in art. One of the things I learned about Van Gogh is that he admitted himself into an asylum, but not for fear of others, more for fear of himself. I became obsessed with researching and learning about him, about his life, and his art. I read hundreds of articles about him, and still it wasn’t enough. I wished I were able to have been in his head, to have spoken to him in person. He was brilliant: a talented artist, yet he suffered from a disease that slowly crippled his mind.

  Van Gogh died from a self-inflicted gunshot wound to his chest. When his brother Theo came to his side after hearing of the incident, Van Gogh’s last words to him before his death were “the sadness will last forever.”

  “The sadness will last forever.”

  When I read his dying words, I cried, not out of sympathy, but because I understood what those words meant. It’s something that cannot be controlled or escaped from. Depression is evil. Before you know it, it takes over and there’s no escaping it. Van Gogh died a sad and broken man, yet he left a legacy with his paintings that will last forever. Still, I want to know—when he painted, when he admired the sky at night to paint it from memory during the day, was he troubled in those moments? Because right now, this beautiful scenery is doing wonders for my state of mind. Right now, I am peaceful, content; there’s no possible way I could be sad. How will I feel when I remember this moment tomorrow in the daylight?

  Footsteps make me alert, but I don’t move. I already know who’s coming toward me. I texted Logan about an hour ago, letting him know I’d be on the dock, waiting for him. He was working overtime on the guesthouse when Charlie and I drove up to the lake earlier today.

  The past couple of weeks, things have been really good between Logan and me. We’re slowly developing into something more, which scares the hell out of me. Ever since the ice cream get-together and watching comedy at his place the next day, we’ve been inseparable. After his shift, we usually go out somewhere, whether it’s driving around, walking through the park, or just to his apartment. We’ve been spending all our free time with one another.

  “Always by yourself, Jersey. I think you like being all alone,” Logan says, almost whispering. It’s so quiet it seems like more of a statement for himself than for me to hear.

  “Have you not learned anything in the past couple of weeks?” Still in the same position, I tear my stare away from what could be a Van Gogh masterpiece to a uniquely Logan work of art. A smirk spreads across his gorgeously chiseled features. He lifts his hand to frame his chin, his thumb rubbing along the stubble. I’ve come to recognize this pose as his version of The Thinker.

  “Well, we have been spending a lot of time together, so I guess you’re not too much of a loner.” He settles to lie down beside me, and puts his hands behind his head as well. “What are we looking at?” he asks, looking up.

  I tilt my head to look up as well. “I’m admiring a Van Gogh. The Starry Night.”

  He chuckles. “Oh, wait. You’re talking about that painter dude who went crazy, right?”

  “Not crazy. He suffered from a mental illness, Logan.”

  “Um, if memory serves me correctly, he cut off his own ear. I’m pretty sure that’s some form of crazy.”

  “Yes. Yes, he did cut off his own ear,” I admit, but I don’t give in on the crazy.

  “And didn’t he, like, shoot himself? That’s another form of crazy.”

  “All right. Enough about Van Gogh. How was your day?” I ask, changing the topic. Obviously, this “crazy” talk and how he perceives a mental illness will only add fuel to a very small fire building within me, and I don’t want this night to go wrong. Not tonight, not with a view like this.

  “Oh, you know. Same shit, different day,” he says nonchalantly.

  “Ah.”

  “Well, I was mostly thinking about you,” he confesses quietly.

  “Me?” Tilting my head, I meet his gaze.

  “Yeah.” He smirks, charmingly so. “I just thought about how you’ll be surrounded by so many people here today. It’s a pretty big crowd tonight.”

  Right. The party, which is happening behind me and which I’ve managed to tune out for the past few
hours. “It’s okay. That’s why I’m out here on the dock, away from everyone.”

  “I know. But still, it’d be nice if you could interact with the crowd, maybe try to work on that shyness of yours.”

  I look away. “It’s not shyness.”

  “Then what is it?” I don’t answer, so he goes on, “Yet another thing you don’t want to talk about. I get it, Jersey.” His nickname for me is quite annoying, but I’m beginning to get used to it. “Fine. If you won’t talk, then we’re going to play.” He stands up, gripping my arm and lifting me in the process.

  “Play? W-what are you talking about?” I stand up straight, looking up at him.

  “We’re going to play beer pong.”

  I widen my eyes reflexively. “I don’t drink, remember?”

  “Yes, that’s why I’ll be doing the drinking.” He thumbs his chest, smiling widely at me.

  I cross my arms, drop my hip, and smack my lips. “Sorry. I’ve never played before. Guess you’re out of luck.”

  Logan reaches down, places both his hands on my shoulders, and smiles. “You’re gonna learn today.” He impersonates Kevin Hart. Logan takes my laugh as an okay, twists my body to face the lake house, and leads me toward the party.

  The rules to beer pong—well, I think they may be made-up by the guys—are that there are two teams of two people each with six Solo cups on each end of a rectangular table. Each cup is filled halfway with beer. Each player gets one Ping-Pong ball and one throw per round. The object is to get your ball into one of the opposing team’s cups. If the other team shoots the ball into one of your cups, you have to chug that drink and vice versa. The first team to sink their ball into all the opposing team’s cups wins. The team that loses has to drink the winning team’s remaining filled cups. But there’s a catch. The losing team has to take three shots of vodka as well.

  This is what I call alcohol poisoning just waiting to happen.

  “All right,” Bryson announces from the other end of the table. “Since Jenna doesn’t drink, we'll shift the rules slightly. Jenna and Logan are on the same team, but Logan does all the drinking. Jenna tosses the ball. Same with Blair and me.”

  Logan and I are against Blair Mega Bitch and Bryson. I’m hoping to do an amazing job because I want to beat Blair point-blank. Also, I really don’t want Logan drinking all that alcohol by himself.

  “Does everyone get the rules?” Bryson yells over the loud music. Logan and I nod. So does Blair. “All right, Blair, you’re first. Do me proud, babe.”

  My teeth find my inner cheek and chew as I take in every movement Blair makes. She positions her body as if she’s about to perform a squat. She puts her game face on—serious. You would think she’s in a real championship match. She lifts her hand, fingers gripping the tiny orange ball, and flexes her wrist back and forth to loosen it up.

  Logan’s hand finds its way to my waist, his lips lightly brushing the curve of my ear. “Don’t be nervous. You’ll do great,” he whispers encouragingly.

  By this point, our table on the deck is surrounded by partiers. And if Logan’s hand didn’t feel so damn right against my waist, I would’ve brushed it off. Instead I leave it there. Blair Mega Bitch finally tosses the ball, and I flinch as it taps the edge of one of our cups then bounces off. I smile in relief.

  “It’s okay, babe. That was just a warm-up,” Bryson encourages her.

  I go next and miss too. Blair and I go back and forth two more rounds, missing, until she finally makes the first shot. Logan grabs the cup and, with the ball still in it, chugs the beer down. He smiles at me, flashes a wink, and nods his head before saying, “It’s all right. I’ve played this dozens of times. It doesn’t faze me.” But it fazes me.

  I take extra measures to focus and it works. I make the next shot. I turn to face Logan, jumping up and down as I do. His wide grin and gleaming eyes show his affection for me.

  I bite my lip, face Blair’s scowl, and put on my poker face.

  Game on.

  “All right…this is good, we still have a shot. You got this, Jersey,” Logan slurs. I raise my brow, completely and utterly sure that we’re going to lose. We lost the first round, which made the boys competitive, so they decided on best out of three. That’s a lot of drinking on their part. We won one round and Bryson and Blair won the other. This is now the third round and both Logan and Bryson are completely trashed. The opposing team definitely has better odds. They only have one cup left to win and I have three.

  I toss the ball and make it in a cup. Bryson drinks. Blair takes her turn, tossing and missing. I go again and make the second in. The crowd around us—all highly intoxicated as well—whistles and cheers loudly. Bryson chugs. This is our last chance. One cup left for each of us. I want to win because there’s no way Logan can have another drink. I’m afraid he’ll pass out. Several cups of beers and three shots is no good, even for a heavy drinker.

  Nervously, and with complete focus, I aim and shoot. Dammit. I miss. Blair takes her turn, shooting and landing it. While everyone, including Blair and Bryson, shouts and screams—a bit overly dramatic if you ask me—all I can do is look at Logan, who has the largest grin smacked across his handsome face. He sloppily lifts his right hand up to give me a high five. “We didn’t win,” I say.

  “So?” He shrugs. “You played and that, my Jersey Girl, is a celebration in and of itself.”

  He just called me his Jersey Girl, emphasizing the “my.” I can’t help but smile. Bryson, now beside us, places their last cup next to our last cup along with three shot glasses filled with vodka. Logan’s hooded eyes graze over the shot glasses and he cringes. I’m not sure why, but something in me just can’t do it. I just can’t let him. I quickly grab both red Solo cups and chug down one of the beers.

  More whistles and cheering.

  Beer is disgusting. I can’t fathom why people actually drink this for enjoyment.

  I chug the second without another thought, gagging a bit at the end.

  “W-what are you doing, Jersey?” Logan stumbles forward.

  A hand tugs at my arm. “Yeah. What the hell are you doing, Jenna?” Charlie’s beside me now, looking at me like I have five heads.

  I shrug her off, smirk, and grip two of the three shot glasses. Saluting Logan, I tell myself this is for him. I bring the glass to my lips, tilt my head and gulp down the burning liquid. Logan laughs at my face, which I’m sure is twisted in disgust. “Jenna…you don’t have to drink it,” Charlie says.

  “I’m blending in, just like everyone else,” I say, taking the second shot, which I almost spit back out. I feel a burning in the pit of my stomach and wonder again why people drink this for fun.

  Wetting my lips and already feeling sick to my stomach, I reach for the third shot glass, but a hand stops me. I look up at Logan, who slowly shakes his head. He grabs it for himself instead and gulps it down. I hear Charlie mumble something under her breath as she stomps off. I’ll deal with her in the morning. Right now, I can’t keep my eyes off of Logan and the look he’s giving me.

  There’s no humor. Just Logan and his stormy blue eyes, scorching deep within me, trying to figure something out. He slowly steps forward. I tilt my head back to look up at him as his eyes scroll down over my face. What is this look, Logan? He rests his hands on my waist and gently pulls me in, my body against his. “Why did you do that?” he murmurs, low enough so only I can hear.

  “Because believe it or not, I care enough that I don’t want you to have alcohol poisoning,” I try to joke. But I fail miserably, too consumed with how close Logan is and how his hands curve comfortably along my hips.

  “You care about me?” He’s still giving me that unknown look.

  Something is stuck in my throat and I try to swallow it back. “Um, I care enough about the alcohol poisoning thingy.” Thingy?

  He leans down, his face centimeters from mine. “I care about you too,” he tells me. And I don’t know if it’s the way he’s looking at me or the words he’s saying t
o me or the fact that everyone else seems to have disappeared or a combination of all of those things, but I can’t help the way my heart soars at his declaration.

  “Y-you do?” I stumble over the two words.

  “I do.”

  Don’t kiss me. Please do not kiss me. He leans in closer. My chest burns, and I’m not sure if it’s the aftershock of the vodka or my nerves causing it.

  He smells like liquor and beer and Logan.

  Please kiss me.

  And he does. Three small pecks, but not where I expected. The first one lands on the tip of my nose—a small, simple peck. I shut my eyes at the contact. The second one presses along my forehead. It leaves a warm and tingly feeling and my chest expands. The third tickles my chin, lingering a little longer than the rest.

  It wasn’t what I expected—and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t hoping for a kiss similar to the first one on my front porch—but these three small kisses mean so much more.

  They’re beautiful and gentle and simply Logan. They outshine the first kiss on any given day.

  “Jenna?”

  “Yes?” I yawn, my head dizzy from the liquor. I’m snuggled against Logan’s chest. It’s a little past three in the morning. Every one of the partiers has left except for the ones who crashed because they were too drunk. We’re lying beside one another on the large, comfy couch. His fingers are gently running through my hair, and it feels so good.

  I like this.

  I like cuddling with Logan. I like lying on Logan’s chest. I like the fact that our legs are tangled with one another’s and it feels completely comfortable.

  He breathes out a heavy sigh. The smell of beer and vodka invades the thin space between us, but I don’t mind it. “I want us to be more,” he whispers.

  More?

  Oh no, Logan. Just…no. I knew it. I was afraid of this. As much as I’d love to be able to give him what he wants, I can’t. My thoughts roil with the idea. I’m too much more. He has no idea how much more I am—and not in a good way. He won’t be able to handle me, my issues, my illness, and especially how damaged I am. I’m just too much.