by Colt, Shyla
A headache begins to form in my temples. I scrub the plate harder than necessary and take deep breaths. It’s not fair for me to take out my stress on Jamie. The man has been nothing but supportive, and helpful. I don’t know why I’m letting everyone else get inside my head. “You’re my best friend, Jamie. You know that. I just think maybe we’re better off staying that way. You want things I don’t think I can give you.”
“You were giving them to me just fine before.”
“No, we were still figuring things out. When you wanted to get serious, and this thing happened with my sister, it all became clear. My loyalty can’t be to you first.”
“The kid has one more year of school, and he’s done. Plus, isn’t his father coming out soon?”
“Did I say he was the sole reason? You need my loyalty to be to you first. I’m not sure I can do that.”
“Your family can’t keep you warm at night or give you babies, Bluebell. I know you want that. I see it in your eyes when you’re with children.”
The man I’m meant to be with will fit into my world. Our days doing this dance are numbered whether he wants to admit it or not. The thought fills me with peace. It’s time to put this to bed. With my family behind me, and Bolt depending on me, I couldn’t afford to let guilt get in the way anymore.
“You’re letting me come to the party?” Bolt asks again.
“It’s not a trap. I want eyes on you.”
“Awwh, Aunt Blue, where’s the trust?”
“Being rebuilt. I know your mom let you get away with murder. Not so much with me.”
“Trust me, I know,” he mumbles.
“You’ll thank me for it when you’re a productive member of society.”
Bolt walks off to join a few of the other members, prospecting for the first time.
In another year, I know he’ll be one of them. The club is in his veins. There was no other option for him but to earn a patch. The rock music pumping over the speakers travels through my core and vibrates in my chest. The smell of smoke, the heat from bodies, and the aroma of alcohol are a mixture I’ve long become accustomed to.
Jamie coughs from beside me.
“You get used to it,” I call over the loud noise. His ring is resting in a black velvet box in my pocket. It’s like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I should feel horrible, but instead I’m free. I nod at the brothers who catch my gaze and give a smile. And home.
“Bluebell!” Stone’s voice booms across the room.
I turn and find myself scooped up in a massive bear hug. “Hey, Stoney,” I say. When I was a girl, I always added a y to his name, and he allowed it. The men were nasty when they needed to be. Larger than life, and bold as brass, but they doted on their children, especially us girls.
He sets me down on my feet and looks over my shoulder. “This still your old man?”
“He—”
“Yes, I am,” Jamie says stepping closer to my side.
I bite the inside of my cheek to keep the rude words from forming on the tip of my tongue.
“Huh,” Stone says, rubbing his chin. “Guess we’ll see. Nice to see you here, darling, it’s been a while.”
“Good to be here. I let Bolt come tonight. He needs his family right now.”
“Hey, you’ve done an excellent job with him so far. You think he needs to be here, I’ll back you up. I meant to have a talk with him myself,” Stone says. He pats my shoulder. “Get yourself a drink and try to relax. You have been working yourself too hard.”
I roll my eyes. You can take the girl out of the club, but you can’t take the club out of the girl’s business. Exasperated, I shake my head as he walks away.
“What was that about?” Jamie asks.
“Overprotection,” I say.
“You think they’ve been watching you, us?”
I narrow my eyes. “Me, always. You, not so much. I mean, I’m glad you think so highly of yourself, but you’re not a point of interest for them.” I pat his cheek gently. “Come on, let’s grab a drink, and hunt down an empty pool table.” I glide through the crowd, pausing to chat with small pockets of people until we arrive at the bar.
“Hey, doll face, long time no see,” says a dark-haired girl with hazel eyes.
“Hey, Clover, been busy with work.”
“What can I get you and your fella here?”
Jamie clears his throat and looks everywhere but at the cleavage displayed by Clover’s low cut, skin tight, leather vest. “Whatever beer you have, works for me,” he says.
“Whiskey and cola for me.”
“Coming right up.” She turns and begins to make our drinks.
“I started to think maybe you were afraid of us, Jamie,” my father says, appearing out of thin air, as he’s prone to do. His gaze lands on my left hand. A shit eating grin appears.
I mentally groan.
“No, sir, just busy.”
“Hmm.” My father goes silent and stares down Jamie, who returns his gaze.
I feel like I’m watching an interrogation. There’s a wealth of words in the silence happening between them. I want to smack Jamie in the back of his head. If he understood how dangerous my father was, he wouldn’t be looking him like this. I clear my throat. “How about we go grab a drink and mingle?” I ask.
“Nevada’s here. She’s been asking for you.”
I perk up. The newest Old Lady is a sweetheart. She’d grown up fast once she got hitched to Wizard, another enforcer. “I’m shocked they left Vegas behind.”
My dad snickers. “They didn’t, brought her with a babysitter who’s hanging out in Wiz’s old dorm.”
I laugh. The two got by with compromise and caring. Their first year together had been tumultuous. Wiz had laid down his bike in a hit and run that had taken a portion of his memory. I sigh thinking of the way they’ve fallen back in love. They gave me hope. In the midst of darkness, there was always a bit of light. Just because Jamie wasn’t Mr. Right, didn’t mean it was the end of the world.
“Oh, I want to see my Vegas baby.” I grab Jamie’s hand. “Come on, let me introduce you.” I pull him away from my father and weave through the crowd. It feels good to be among my extended family. I’ve been barricaded in my apartment with my civilian friends much more than I realized. I spot Wizard leaning against the wall with his arm around Nevada.
He looks softer and more approachable somehow. Marriage and fatherhood have been good to the man rumored to have ice in his veins instead of blood. The life of an enforcer is bloodier than most patched members, and it takes its toll. I’ve seen that for myself in my father.
“Wiz,” I call.
He turns his head to look at me and cracks a smile. “Hey, little girl Blue, how you doing?”
“You’re never going to let that go, are you?”
“No. You were the most intense kid I ever met in my life. It works.”
I shake my head in mock exasperation.
“Who’s the friend?” Wizard asks, narrowing his eyes and giving Jamie the once over.
“This is my friend, Jamie.”
“Hmm.” Wizard’s facial expression instantly ices over.
Great, no one likes him. I beg Wizard not to bust Jamie’s balls with my eyes.
He quirks an eyebrow and shrugs. It’s the way they do things, weeding out the people they think aren’t good enough for us daughters. The men might be the Kings, but their women are royalty to them in their own way.
“I’m so glad to see you here, Nevada,” I say.
His wife steps forward and we embrace. “You, too, Blue. It’s been too long.”
“I know. I heard my Vegas baby is here,” I tease.
Nevada laughs. “Yes, she is. I didn’t want to leave her, and Wiz wanted to get out. Well, he demanded I get out and have some fun. So, here I am.” She shrugs.
“You know I’m always down to babysit the cutie.”
“We’ll be taking you up on that soon, Blue,” Wizard says.
I nod.
H
e takes his family serious. They only leave the baby in the company of people who’ve been affiliated with the club for years. After what went down, I can’t blame them. Betrayal of the magnitude they experienced would make a person look at everyone around them differently.
“Why don’t you take her to visit Vegas while me and Jamie boy here have a chat?” Wizard says.
I want to protest, but I know better. I give Jamie a worried glance.
“Don’t worry, Blue, this is why we’re here. So I can get to know your family better.” Jamie nods his head.
“Is that right?” Wizard asks.
“Yeah, it is,” Jamie retorts.
The fierce expression on his face shocks me. I’m seeing a side of him I never realized existed. If he’d shown this before, maybe I would’ve said yes to that ring.
“We’ll be back in a bit, boys,” Nevada says, hooking her arm in mine and leading me away.
We walk down to the dorms, and she knocks on the door. I recognize Speed’s kid, Amanda, holding the baby close to her. She’s cooing contently in Amanda’s arms and waving her tiny fists. Her silky black hair coats her head and her eyes are a wicked shade of bluish-green.
“Hi, Vegas, baby, it’s Auntie Blue. You remember me, kiddo?”
She flashes me a gummy smile, and I melt.
“How’s she been, Amanda?” Nevada asks.
Amanda grins. “Excellent as always. She’s such a happy baby.”
“Yeah, until she’s hungry,” Nevada says.
“Hah, she must take after her father then,” I tease. I take the tiny bundle from Amanda and cuddle her close. The smell of baby powder and goodness fills my nostrils. I sway back and forth with her.
“So, what’s the deal with the…um, interesting fellow being grilled by Wiz?” Nevada asks.
“He wants to make things more serious and I don’t. This is my attempt at convincing him why we won’t work,” I say carefully to keep my voice light and playful for the baby’s sake.
“If he’s willing to stand up for you against this lot, he might be worth giving some consideration,” she suggests.
“There’s no spark there, Nevy. I tried to wait for my feelings to change. I attempted to tell myself that he’s exactly what I need, but none of it works. Continuing this would be stringing him along. I don’t want to be that girl.”
“I hear you. But something tells me he’s not going to give up easily,” Nevada says.
“You can’t fight for someone when their heart’s not in it,” I whisper.
“Make sure he knows.”
“I did, Nevy, trust me. If I’m anything, it’s upfront. He just doesn’t want to let go.” I sigh. Just my luck—the man who seems too easy going discovers a stubborn streak at the worst possible time. I kiss Vegas’ forehead and wonder if I’ll ever have this with anyone. I can’t blame Jamie for hanging on, when I’m sending out mixed signals. I need to be ready to stand alone. I wasn’t raised to be a frightened woman-child. My current behavior is embarrassing. I’m straddling the fence, trying to cover my ass to deal with what if situations. Life doesn’t work that way.
My clinginess embarrasses me. This is what running from my fears gets me. It’s time to face things head on.
Jamie
I can feel her patience is wearing with me. She’s going to cut me loose soon, and I don’t have anything to show. After a veiled threatening session with Wizard, the known enforcer, I’m left to wait for Blue to return. I make my way through the club, sipping on beer as I keep my ears open for meaningful conversation.
I make my way toward the dorms. If I’m caught, I’ll feign looking for a bathroom. It’s important to have a story ready. They consider me a stupid boyfriend who’s crazy for Blue. A twinge of guilt runs through me. She’s caught up in the middle of something much bigger than herself. I like her, but she’s a means to an end. I’ve been undercover for over a year, and I’m ready to go home.
But not empty-handed, not after everything I’ve lost at their hands.
The guilt disappears as I remember the broken shell of a woman Shannon
became after the Kings got a hold of her. They’d showed her no mercy. I had to finish this for her.
I continue down the hall. It’s too easy. The bodies are wall-to-wall, the music is loud, and the booze is flowing. I ignore the couple fornicating against the wall and memorize the layout. Suddenly, I hear whispered voices and slow down, straining to hear over the rowdy environment. Moving into the dark alcove where the walls meet, I hunker down and do my best to blend in. I’d worn black pants, and a black T-shirt for a reason. I zone in on the words guns and drop off.
Got you!
Chapter Five
Changes
Blue
This is it. I preview my empty apartment and try not to let the water spill from my eyes. This place had been my shelter. A haven against the storms life threw at me. I learned a lot about myself behind the safety of these walls. There was no protocol or reputation to worry about. Now I was going back into the belly of the beast I’d spent a year weaning myself away from. It was stupid to think keeping my distance and living in denial with Jamie would change what was in my heart and running through my veins.
“That’s it, Blue.” Jamie sounds like a child who’d had his candy taken away. I suppose in a way he had.
“Thanks for helping me move. You really didn’t have to,” I say.
“Yeah, I did. I want you to know you’re not alone. I get that you’re all about family, but I’m always here if you need anything.”
“I know the party freaked you out. But they’re my family, Jam. I don’t see them the same way you do, and they’d never hurt me.”
“I’m more worried about you getting caught up in the crossfire.”
I roll my eyes. He’d been like a dog with a bone about the club recently. I imagine it was because he blames them for taking me away. “Someday soon, some girl who’s perfect for you is going to make you very happy. I’m just not that girl. I know we want to stay friends, but I think some time apart would be a good thing, yeah?”
“If that’s what you want.” He runs the backs of his knuckle across my cheek. “Remember, I’m always here.”
“I know, Jam, thank you,” I say, gently resting my hand on his shoulder. “You were more than I deserved. I wish I could have loved you the way you needed me to. You’re my best friend, but what you need is more.”
He presses his lips together and gives a curt nod. “At least let me walk you out.”
“Of course. I’m not trying to push you away. I just…this isn’t healthy for either of us. I’m struggling to deal with all the new responsibilities laid at my feet, and you’re waiting in the wings for me to miraculously change my mind.” I shake my head. “It’s not right.”
“I get it. The party was…eye opening. After all of this dies down, maybe we can try the friend thing again.”
I smile up at him. “I’d like that.”
We leave the apartment behind, and I lock the door behind me for the last time. With the return of my keys and my final good-bye to Jamie, I’m brought back to square one. In a way, I’m rebuilding my life. I should be terrified and at least a little sad. Instead, I’m nervous and excited. What I had going before didn’t work. It’s time I figure out what does.
“How are you?” Ruth asks.
I take a sip from my beer, letting the porch swing I had installed swing back and forth a few more times before I answer. “I’m good.”
“Thanks for the bullshit answer, now how about the real one?”
I laugh. Ruthie Price has been my best friend since college. The firecracker has never hesitated to speak her mind. It’s what I love and hate about her. She’ll lay your shit bare if she thinks it’s in your best interest. When I need tough love, she’s the first one I turn to. “I’m dealing. Being a full time parent to a teenage boy full of angst, anger, and the need to feel unconditionally loved is heavy.”
“I can only imagine, bu
t he loves you, and everyone knows how crazy you are about him. It’ll settle.”
“I hope so. I’m terrified of screwing up and making things worse for him.”
“Not possible, babe. You’re here every day, all day. That’s more than I think Bolt has ever had.”
“I know you’re right, but it’s different when you’re in it,” I say, trying to neutralize the fear threatening to creep up and ruin our girls’ night in.
“Always is, babe. That’s why I’m your voice of reason. I’m far enough outside to be objective, but close enough to get what’s going on. How are things with the family?”
“Crazy, overwhelming. It’s amazing how moving twenty minutes closer can change everything. The boys are always over to check on us or doing drive-bys. My father seems to think I need to be over there every other day, and my mother,” I picture the withdrawn woman with sad eyes, and a fake smile, “she’s not taking this well at all. I don’t want to say Calla is her favorite, but they connect on a different level. One I know she misses.”
“Can’t Calla have visitors?” Ruth asks.
“Yeah, but she’s refusing to see my parents. She’s furious they wouldn’t post her bail.”
“Which leaves you running interference, like usual. I hate that they do this to you.”
“If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, right?” I say, trying to lighten the mood.
“It’s been broken for a long time. Is she seeing you at least?”
“Oh yeah, she loves seeing me.” I roll my eyes.
“Meaning she’s a total bitch the entire time. Has Bolt gone to see her?”
“No.” I shake my head. “He doesn’t want to, and I’m not about to force him. You reap what you sow.”
“I can’t tell you how happy I am to hear you say that. She’s gotten away with so much shit over the years.”
“And look at her now. We all got to pay the Piper sometime.”
“Truth. How are you dealing with the Jamie break up?”
“Better than I should be. I swear I’m such a bitch. I actually feel relieved.”
